Haunted

The divorce has been final since June 29th, two days after our 2 year anniversary. I moved 2,000 miles to be with a man roughly two months ago who kicked me out two weeks later after I tried so hard to make it all right. I've been hurt a lot, no doubt, but why it pops up randomly the way it does I may never understand. Today was a fairly good day, if a little chaotic. I have a week left until I ship out to go to basic training for the army. I've been back in touch with a friend of mine from my carnie days, which has been really nice, but it's been rough, too, because I remember how strongly I felt about him, and we've been talking a lot about getting back together. Most days it seems like it'd be a really good idea, but there's always this edge to me that screams 'he's a man, same as the rest, it'll never work out.' I just want to cry right now... I'm hurting so bad, I just want to give up. I keep thinking about all the love I've felt and all the times it's been ripped from my arms... I just want to scream. I'm a wreck tonight and I'm so tired of this all. My heart is so heavy, tears are falling from my face. I want to blame it all on the stress of joining the army, but maybe it's just normal. I don't know, honestly. All I know is I'm lonley and hurting and there may very well be no one in the world who truly cares the way I need someone to care right now. There are people who would be there for me, I know, but I'd just end up feeling like talking to them was a waste of my time and pushing them away anyhow. I just want someone to wrap their arms around me right now... I feel so damned alone. I hate this world right now, because every time I allow myself to get close to someone it blows up in my face and then I just try to do my thing and it's like there's something or someone in every direction forcing me to be a bitch because they just won't back off. I don't want a relationship right now. My heart hurts, my soul weeps and the rest of me is too busy to worry about love. I've never liked being alone, but I've been okay with it lately because it just seemed like that's what was right, and I guess it still does, but I just don't want to be alone tonight. I'm frustrated, I'm hurting and there is no one here to help me through it. It seems like all I do these days is be there for everyone else, and here I am needing someone and there's really just no one to ask to be there for me. I'm alone, I'm really alone. I keep telling people I won't be the type to get homesick while I'm at basic because I've never really had a place to call home. I wonder if I'll even miss anyone while I'm there. That sounds harsh I'm sure, but it's not because I don't care about anyone, it's because I care about a lot of people, I just don't feel like any of em really care about me at this point, so it'll be harder to miss them... *sigh* I give up.

No Mas, Chica Stupida

I should have known better. Most of me did know better. Fact is, I tend to ignore the logical portion of my brain when it comes to matters of the heart. I'm 21 years old and divorced, you'd think I would have figured out that emotions are silly things to bet a vital organ on, particularly one's heart. So, I sit here irritated and tired, anxious and frustrated and wonder what is going to kick me in the ass next. I hate love, but my heart is obsessed with the idea. I'm not happy alone, but I can't trust anyone either. I'm alone even when I'm not. I sound cocky saying it, but there are several guys that have made it clear that they're interested in seeing me, and frankly, I don't want anything to do with it all. I love going out and spending time with people, love having guy friends to curl up and watch movies with, but I don't trust a man as far as I could throw his dismembered member, so it's silly of me to entertain any amount of hope when it comes to dating. I'd love to use the word romance, but I'm not in the habit of using words I don't know the meaning of. My friend Lowe opened the car door for me today and I thought he was opening it up to but the bag he was carrying in the back of the car. No, I'm not kidding. I can't recall the last time someone did that for me. Flowers? Aren't those the big fluffy things with stems I see on my way out of walmart? I'm tired of it. I don't want a fairy tale at all... Thats the last thing I want. I want something REAL. I want someone to prove to me they can be there for me through the hard times and still have the motivation to go the extra mile to show me I'm still special to them and I'm still a lady. I'm bitter and I'm cynical and I'm very angry. Irritated no longer covers it. I'm not a piece of ass, I'm not anyone's bitch or whore, my place is not in the kitchen or the bedroom and I am no one's property. I'm so tired of this BULLSHIT!