Showing Out

I spent 4 hrs on a bus for someone who decided he had better things to do than spend time with me.
Then I had a guy decide it was a good idea to try to touch and kiss on me like I was his own after inviting him out to dinner (as friends) after homeboy #1 ditched.
Then, after splitting with that one... My homegirl decided to get me talking to the hottest guy in the bar... I'll be back next weekend.
I'm proud of myself and happy about the outcome of this weekend. Truth be told, I'm more than a little blown away by all of this.
I really can't complain, God has me in his sight, and my life is good, even if it's just a little confusing sometimes.
I'm making my own choices. There's no action that will be a consequence of my past, there's no excuses anymore. I'm better for all I've been through, and I will not let the hurt control me anymore.

Saying Goodbye

He wasn't the best boyfriend I ever had.
I loved him, anyway, though.
I put him through hell, as I tend to.
Last night, I said goodbye. I moved on.
I thought I already had, honestly, but sometimes, things happen so completely and suddenly that you see it like lightning, and realize the thing you did not know before.

It's 0600 hrs, and I'm doing laundry so I can pack some things and be on the bus to Osan. It will be a good weekend, with a good friend.

Best Practices

This last week has been extremely busy.
We had our BOSS (Better Opportunities for Single Soldiers) Regional Forum down here, and we had people from all over the peninsula come to Daegu for it. It was great to have people I haven't seen in a while come down here for this, and it was really awesome to meet new folks. We had a few people from Department of the Army come as well, which was really incredible for us, as they are three really outstanding women.
The amount I learned both professionally and personally this past week blows me away, now that I have slept off enough of the exhaustion to be able to see it clearly.
Professionally, I have gotten my head a lot better wrapped around what I need to do both for my local BOSS Program, as well as for myself and my career. I'm going to be sitting down with my 1sg on Monday and discussing things I don't want to continue being responsible for and some things that I think I can do better with his help. There's a board I'll be going to on Friday, which is more than a little worrisome after this crazy week, as studying couldn't have been farther from my mind.
On a personal level, an individual I was seeing prior to this week has dropped out of my life, and with a reason. He hasn't done anything horribly wrong, but he has taught me what I was meant to learn from him, and now I see pretty clearly that he's not someone I would be happy with long-term. I fought with this thought before, but chalked it up to being scared of committing, etc. After not hearing from him for days, and not caring, I realized that I needed to let that go, because he wasn't as caring or interested in my life and wellbeing as I needed my other half to be. I let it go. I am glad I kept my senses with him and kept it slow and didn't let it get farther than it did. I got to talking to someone I've had a crush on for quite some time over this week, and will be spending some more time with him. It's interesting to me that he turned out to be such an awesome guy, and the timing of this; he is not nearly as aggressive as most of the guys I'm used to dating, and is the type I usually would have chalked up to being "too nice", but recent experiences have made me see what that's worth.
I don't know what's going to happen, or where this will all take me. I know that I met some truly outstanding people, and that I'm really grateful for their support and friendship, and that I have an impression upon me of how far I can go that I truly believe will never wear off.
SGM Coon, if you read this, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your kind words and gestures will not be forgotten, and you can't possibly know how inspiring you are to a young(-ish) Soldier like myself.

Astonished Beyond Compare (Adult Content)

So, while I struggle with some very real, if very basic, issues as far as reconciling my own past with any sort of intimate- emotional or otherwise- relationship, apparently I am, thankfully, quite behind what is being reported as the new power curve.
Anal sex is the new deal breaker, the headlines scream.
The medic side of me is horrified at the thought of how much more vulnerable these people are making themselves to STD's, amongst the other, very severe health risks they are opening themselves up to.
The spiritual side of me is absolutely in mourning that the over-sexed generation has gotten this out of control.
The rest of me is just... so disappointed in people.
I posted a video on Facebook a while back about a pretty lil girl, probably in her early twenties at the most, saying the number one reason she can't bring herself to give anal sex isn't because of the risks or pain- it's because after it's over, the guy can look at the girl and say 'I f'ed you in the ass.' Her comment: "What can you say to that?!"
Amongst other popular sex practices lately; Revenge Porn. Posting videos/pictures of yourself and an ex to get back at them. Apparently by posting it you're not disrespecting yourself, only them?
...And here I was, hoping the Born Again Virgin trend would be the one to take over the mainstream. Horrible.

Single And (Learning To) Love It

I have always dreaded being single- which is hilarious, considering my disastrous dating history.
All my guy friends have the most wonderful, amazing compliments for me... some of my exes have even chimed in. Yet I'm single.
How's that work?
So, I'm keeping it this way.
Not the easiest thing for me.
My biggest priority in relationships is faith, and finding a man who's faith matches my own is near impossible, it seems. If that's number one, though, there should be no compromising it, so there won't be.
I may have to start again from time to time, but this is my intention, my focus.
Going out to dinner tonight with a very-off-limits friend, as his thank you for looking out for him when he first got here.

My Brothers & Sisters

Friday night, there was a Poetry/Spoken Word Contest in honor of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. here on post. I was quite impressed by much of what I heard, different styles, ways of thinking, and different messages. The one thing that remained exactly the same: all the people that walked on stage were black men.
Not that I have an issue with black men, clearly, but it seemed to defeat the purpose of MLK's work that the only people who were standing up in memory of him looked exactly like him.
So I got up there.
I didn't read anything, I just said my piece.
I said that all there were four very talented black men that had taken the stage- and I was none of the above. I said that it didn't change anything, because we are all brothers and sisters, regardless of race. I can't remember exactly what I said, but I remember my eyes watering and my face burning.
Here's a quote I recently stumbled across: "Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase." -Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
What takes more faith than trusting someone of another race, another background to not screw you over? What shows more trust, more strength and courage, than to stand beside someone different from you? I saw a show on midwives the other night, and they were from very different religious and cultural backgrounds- and each of them realized, when they came together, that they had more in common than they did different.
It's hard to see, in the Army, how much people will put themselves into a clique. Much of the social groupings seem to be centered around race. Granted, this seems to be progressively less the case, but is still very plainly present. There are a few people- females, especially- who have gone out of their way to say hi to me, to talk to me, even though they are black. They have no reason to believe I'm any different than other people who have treated them badly because of their race, yet they took that leap of faith, anyway, and I am very grateful to have been given that opportunity. This is a thank you to all my brothers and sisters out there who have ever taken a chance on me- regardless of their race.

Simple Rules That Are Hard To Follow

The latest (though brief, even by my experience) trusted-boy situation ended up in the worst-case-scenario I should have expected from the jump. It was literally an over-night let down, in a way, so I don't care. I'm mad for the moment, but it's not going to take time to get over, at least. I'm looking at it as further proof that I need to be alone for a while.
It's really difficult to talk to men about religion/faith/etc. especially during the potential date phase. I know, I know, if I can't talk to them about the things that are important to me, I have no business considering dating them. I get it. That doesn't make it much easier, though, now does it? I'm not Christian, but finding a Baha'i in the Army... well, lets just say I've found one and that was long-distance through AKO and he and I haven't really looked at it as a potential match. I have no issues dating outside my faith... If dating outside my race hasn't been a horrific issue for me, how much harder could dating outside my faith be? However, the faith, the true, solid belief in God and what He does and wants for us, that is a resounding must. Faith is all that sustains me so much of the time. I was born with a connection to a spirituality I cannot explain, but lack of explanation hardly defiles it's existence.
Race, I don't care. Physically, of course, I have my preferences, but even those can be overlooked, should the right person come along.
The thing is... I have to get so used to taking care of me, that letting that habit slip even a little will throw me into awareness of it. I can't be in a relationship until I know I will take care of myself, regardless of the state of my relationship, that my needs will be thought of.
If I wanted a relationship, well, I have my options, but right now everyone I give a rat's behind about has that 'but' tagging along at the end of their pre-quals. I can't do that right now. I shouldn't even consider it, at this point.
Simple rules, hard to follow.
Ain't that about a blimp?

Soul Song

I'm frustrated, but trying to remain patient. Every day, lately, it seems I must start again. Forgiving myself has always been quite difficult for me. This is nothing new. It's more frustrating, though, to me that when I slip and revert back to old ways, I tend to do it almost completely. It is much harder to undo that kind of slip than a smaller one. It is much more painful, as well. I know who it is I want to be, but being that person is so difficult. In my friend Jerry's words, well, "That's why it's right".
I don't believe in drinking, and that crap is more done than it ever was before. Whether or not I want to admit it, I was a f'ing alcoholic. Dealing with the tremors after one night of being drunk, I can't even deny that crap.
Once again, I haven't been praying like I should, despite personal goals to do at least one Obligatory Prayer per day.
It is more clear to me than ever before that I need to be single for a while. I don't know how long, honestly, but I am more dependent on people than I should be. Community is one thing but an absolute need not to be alone is not okay. There's someone who I really liked that I'm relatively sure I got blown off by, which sucks, but I'm done stressing about anyone willing to lie to me. I don't care. I may be difficult at times, and make the occasional dumb choice, but I'm not going to accept that it's okay to walk on me. Screw that.
Another post to follow shortly.

Reality Just Set In

I'm terrified of relationships.
Yet I'm more terrified of being alone.
I'm so lost.

Defining My Horizons

Last night, I went out for my birthday, and came back with an ear-to-ear grin.
This was quite possibly the best birthday I've had.
A lot of people had said they were coming out, but only a few actually made it out. B, Trip Daddy, Q, Fonz, Norrington, Zhang, Adrianna and Oreo were out at different points.
I had a blast.
Bennigan's was a great choice for food, though I think they got tired of us pretty quick. The Hookah Bar... Well, if I ever get called an Amazon again, I might lose my drink laughing at the memories from that one... Though I didn't have to rip anyone's spine out last night, so it's all good. :-)
Q and I danced half the night at least, and I had so much fun. I'd forgotten how much I enjoyed dancing.
Over all, I couldn't have had a better birthday!

Waking Up Older- Happy Birthday, Undo What You've Done

16 JAN 10
I drank last night.
I didn't have a glass of wine or one drink. I had liquor.
It was the first time in eight or nine months I've been drunk, and I'm quite upset with myself over it.
I definitely considered keeping it a secret, as very few people saw this, thankfully, but I really don't want it to happen again, and the best way, in my experience, to keep something from happening again is to be very honest and open about the fact that it's happened and you don't want to do it again. That's one reason I have very few secrets.
I guess it's called a relapse, but no matter what you call it, it made me realize that I can't keep hiding the truth from myself. I have fought with the word 'alcoholic' because, no matter how much I drank, I kept telling myself I wasn't REALLY an alcoholic. I quit because I don't really like the idea of being intoxicated, I don't agree with it.
Last night, as one of my brothers watched me shake uncontrollably while the alcohol burned off, and I realized that I knew exactly how my body would react over the next few hours- from experience, not any text book lesson- I saw that I can't keep lying to myself. Acceptance is hard, especially when it limits you from something that was once a part of your identity. I used to be able to drink most of my guy friends under the table, and I was proud of that, because it meant I wasn't just a girl, I was one of them, and a force to be reckoned with. Last night, two very strong drinks (the latter of the which I ordered, only to have the waitress ask me if I was okay) and a shot in, I realized there was no high alcohol tolerance left, and I didn't like the thoughts going through my head enough that I was willing to continue.
Maybe I'm less of a soldier for not drinking, I don't know, what I do know, though, is today, my birthday, I start again. I'm drinking water like it's going out of style because I can literally still feel the alcohol in my body. Scary feeling.

Happiness- ???

Clef asks me today, after I explain to him that I don't plan to return to Hood just yet, 'What is it that would make you happier than anything else?'
...And it dawns on me that I really, really don't have the first clue.
I guess I knew that already, in a way... I mean, I've said multiple times that I'll never be happy, because I always have a bigger mountain to climb.... but am I okay with that answer? Not really.
What is going to make me happy?
I've learned a lot about what is wrong for me these last 18 months.
How do I figure out what's going to be right for me?

Step Off

I'm not Barbie, I'm not a model, I'm not the best thing since sliced bread, blah blah f'ing blah.
I put my trust in people and get slapped in the face for it. That's my bad for trusting you, got it, it won't happen again. I refuse to compete with anyone. I don't give a damn if it's a girl back home, if it's your almost-ex-wife, if it's your ex-girlfriend that you still talking to n lyin tellin me you not, if it's my home girl, I don't care if it's Halle f'ing Berry. I will not compete with another woman. WILL NOT.
Maybe it's dangerous that I've found a way to be more honest with myself about my emotions. Maybe it's a bad idea for me to be honest with other people about these same emotions.
Fact of the matter is, I really don't care what's a good idea and what's not because, guess what, asshole, this is me. I'm tired of people who don't know how to handle someone who doesn't drink or people who don't want to deal with me because I won't sleep with them. Ya'll aint getting the picture: If you can't or won't handle me, step off and stop wasting my time because I have better things to be doing than patching up your poor, bruised egos. I don't have time for boys, I don't have time for a man that can't even imagine being in a relationship for a f'ing month without sex, nevermind the thought of doing the right thing and waiting til marriage. Sorry, brother, if you can't keep it in your pants, I'm clearly not that important to you, so go find you some ass elsewhere. I'm all set taking care of me.
I'm angry. I'm hurt. The hurt from last night has spilled over to today, and I realize that it's not just something to blow off. I've been blowing off and holding back emotions too long. Guys say I'd be easy to date because maybe they really aren't seeing me for me. I don't care if I'm difficult to handle, let me be difficult if that means that the people who are in my life are really in it for the long haul and not just some asshole trying to screw me over or play the game. Ya'll are about to know what I'm about in a way you've never seen before, because I'm tired of being the nice girl. I see the fake ass women and the honest-but-angry chicks getting the play, so you know what? I'll tell it like it is. Cuz the chick who says she doesn't like men, guess what, doesn't like men, but she sure as hell likes the attention. If that's who you wana wrap your time up in, be my guest, because I have better things to do than waste my time on someone who isn't ready to see the dawn for the light. I'm glad now that I haven't gotten wrapped up in anyone since my relationship ended, because I'm not ready to trust these boys we got runnin' round here, and there's no use in getting myself hurt again.
This ain't to a single individual, so don't get cocky and think you're worth that much (some of you will anyway). I'm tired of being lied to (you know who you are- and there's more than one on that list, too) and I'm sure as hell not going to play second G-D fiddle to one of my sisters.
Step Off.

Astaria and Kadijih

Astaria Rhiannon is the baby girl I lost so many years ago. She still haunts my dreams from time to time, but I know she is Mama's lil angel, so everything will be okay. She is a memory, if in some ways painful, she is still a beautiful memory and a sign of hope in my heart. So long as she's there, I know my heart hasn't blocked everything out completely.
Kadijih Elizabeth is what my first born daughter will be named. (Ka-Dee-Jah) Kadijih is the name of a religious figure's wife in the Baha'i faith. Elizabeth is, obviously, a more common name. Two of the best women I've ever known are named Elizabeth. Elizabeth Harmon, Elizabeth Files and my wonderful friend Beth Juliar have all been reasons for this middle name. They have been there for me in the darkest times, and, though each of them has been through some serious shit, they have come out amazing, beautiful and very strong (not to mention strong-willed) women. I can't imagine any other women I'd ever want to name my daughter after.
It will be a long time, I think, before I have children of my own.
I'm just grateful for the women in my life who have helped me learn what it is to grow up in the first place.
I love you guys.

The Fine Art Of Being A Lady

So, I'm reading two books right now, as is my habit. One is specific to my belief system (Hour Of The Dawn, a biography on The Bab) and the other is... well, interesting. It's called A God Who Hates, and is written by Wafa Sultan, a Syrian-turned-American, who was raised Muslim. While I've had a fit every time I heard people point at religion as a terrorist trademark, this writer has a very unique perspective on the whole of the Muslim/Islamic world and culture.
Above and beyond the religious implications of all of this, I'm having a hard time consolidating some things, as much within myself as culturally.
My faith tells me, and I've always believed, that women and men are equals. However, the Muslim faith believes, of course, that nothing could be farther from the truth. While, obviously, I don't agree with that, something I've been having trouble with for many years now is the roles in relationships. While men and women are equal, in my eyes, that doesn't necessarily mean they are exactly the same, of course. I'm trying to understand... what the hell the roles are supposed to be... I don't expect to be treated as less than my partner, but I don't necessarily think that being the fragile one is out of the question. Women have strengths, inherently, I think that males can't relate to. I've always seen the woman as the morally strong, emotionally aware and spiritually grounding half of the relationship. I guess my perspective is just that- my perspective. It doesn't necessarily apply to others.
I just need to figure out how this all applies to me, though.
I don't mind being a little, and I hate to use this word for it's connotations, but submissive, in a relationship with someone I know is with someone I can trust to keep my best interests at heart. Maybe I just need to find the right person, I don't know. I'm kind of tough to handle sometimes... but I'm learning to trust people, no matter how much work it's taking- and it IS taking a lot of work- and I really think I'm getting a lot better. I'm not ready to let anyone in yet, but I'm getting there. I need someone who's patient, I need someone who's not going to push me into anything... I'm not ready to give myself to someone yet. I don't know when I will be. I know I can be a good woman to someone worth it, eventually.
I want someone to be patient. I want someone to be willing to wait. I want someone who believes what I do, or is at least open to it. I want someone ambitious and hard-working, but who believes in putting their family and loved ones first.
I'm really hoping I find this.

In other news, I'm staying at the Dragon tonight, and I got a free upgrade. I'm not entirely sure how it happened, but I have a feeling it had something to do with the sweet male I spoke to on the phone the other day when I had to change the reservations. He was very kind, much nicer than most of the people I've spoken to on the phone for reservations. He made it easy to be nice, which I try to do with people, because, frankly, you never know where the other guy is coming from.
I'm getting my nails n feet done tomorrow, n considering getting braids done here, though I might wait til Saturday for that. Bones says it'll look good, though I was surprised someone who likes my hair so much was that supportive. He's really sweet, and I'm really appreciating how kind he is. It's a nice change from the aggressive attitudes I'm surrounded by so much of the time. Slim is slowly opening up to me, though I'm still not sure if I want to trust him or not. Then again, I'm not sure if I want to trust anyone right now. I'm trying, but I'm just not good at this stuff.
Keep Your Head Up 2Pac Shakur...
"I think it's time to kill for our women
Time to heal our women, be real to our women
And if we don't we'll have a race of babies
That will hate the ladies, that make the babies
And since a man can't make one
He has no right to tell a woman when and where to create one
So will the real men get up
I know you're fed up ladies, but keep your head up"

My song right now...

Trust

I have a few friends in my life right now that I am truly grateful for.
I am learning to trust people. You want to know what the hardest thing to learn as an adult is? Screw a second language. Trust is a &(%@^ to learn.
Slim has done all he knows how to prove to me he's not after a piece of ass, but every time he comes near me, I tense up. I feel threatened at all times, and can't open up to him face-to-face at all. When he's around, I feel like I'm just waiting for him to leave. Then we talk on the phone, and I can say what was on my mind all along. I don't understand it, or me.
Then there's Mr. Seductive. He'll know who he is. One of the best looking men I've ever seen, but it hasn't been "like that" with us since we met. Of course, I had a boyfriend then, but we'd just rather hassle each other than actually flirt, I guess. I don't know. I talked to him on the phone for quite some time tonight, though, and we actually talked. He opened up to me about things that had happened in his past. I guess I didn't say much in retrospect, about his obstacles, but it felt really good to have someone try to relate to what I've been through without doing the 'not that it's as bad as what you've been through' crap that I hate so much. He just spoke, he was just real with me. So, I didn't have anything to hide from him, either. It's been a while since a guy opened up to me. Granted, Mr. Seductive is just a friend- and that's more than likely all he'll ever be, and that's just fine- but it made me realize that someone to talk to me was something I've wanted more than someone who'd listen to me.
And now I have two men in my life that I'm not afraid to fall asleep next to. Bones and 'Zo are both really good dudes, and I'm grateful to have them in my life. I know where 'Zo stands, homeboy has more than enough going on in his life, he doesn't need a woman complicating things further, but Bones.... Well, I like the dude. I just don't know how long it'll be before he tries something, or if that point will come before I can explain to him where I'm coming from.
I'm learning how to trust people- and finally getting the idea as to WHEN to trust people- but this isn't easy. I'm not ready for things to be more than this, yet, but life inevitably moves at it's own pace, without waiting for anyone.
People who know what they're talking about have told me repeatedly to make someone wait for me, and if they're not willing to, they're not worth it... I just can't help but wonder how many losses it'll require before I find the one who's willing to wait.
In this world of instant gratification, nobody wants to wait for something they haven't seen for themselves is worth the wait, by their standard.
I'm not ready to open up like that... And no one is coming inside until I am.

Where I Stand, There You Lie

★♦★ You don't trust me, then set me free. You don't understand me, then let me be. You can't fix me, cuz I aint broke. You keep laughing, but this aint a joke. ★♦★ Whether you can't or you won't, a fact is a fact. My heart is broke and you committed the act. Just remember when you've had your fill, if you won't be there, someone else will. ★♦★ Gypzy Swagga ★♦★

I'm not sure how to let my heartache go and still deal with you.
It doesn't matter what I tell you, and it never has- you'll always be jealous, you'll always be defensive, and the things that has opened my eyes up to has both hurt me and healed me.
I thank you for the things you've taught me. I will never again try to love someone who hasn't let go of his past, I will never again try to love someone who doesn't make me his first, or at least second, priority. I will never allow myself to question what I mean to someone again, while continuing to stand there and hope for the best. It's interesting to me, all the technical rules of relationships, what counts as cheating, what we can get away with, what we hide, what we just hope turns out okay... You did everything right, technically... You didn't break any of those rules that are so well-documented.
Yet, my heart still hurts in a way I never thought it could.
I love you, but I can't come back this time.

The Downward Spiral

I don't know if my brain just isn't used to having this much energy or what.
I feel like I can't slow my thoughts down, bouncing from one fear to the next. It's not the typical anxiety, the typical freak-out, this is a whole new animal. I'm not sure whether to be upset or relieved by this change.
This isn't the severe, panic-attacking, horrific, nightmarish shock fest that my mind has so enjoyed taunting itself with for so long.
This is just a ping pong ball bouncing off one bad-memory trigger, and onto the next. Past loves, heart breaks, hurts and wants... The things and, especially, people who have hurt or abandoned me in the past... they fill my mind. I want to be with someone who will hold me and listen, and be there for me, without ever needing explanation or apology, or asking for more than I can give....
Truth is... I don't have that right now.
Everyone needs that explanation, they need me to tell them what's going on, they need to know what I'm thinking, when right now, all I really need is a chance to be open to what comes and what doesn't, without risking opening myself up to being hurt again. It's going to be a rough night, I expect, but perhaps it's for the best that I'll be alone this time... or maybe not. I suppose I'll find out soon enough.
At least this time, I know who to trust how much and in what way... And who will use my weakness against me, given the chance. I want things to be different, but I guess they're all only human, too.

The Cure

PT was a hard-in-the-paint game of basketball.
Before you ask, no, my team didn't win.
We played like nobody else stood a chance, though. I forgot how much I've missed playing. Had anyone been paying attention to that sort of thing, I think I woulda had at least 2 or 3 personal fouls. I get rough with it.
I can't get over how incredible I feel after the fact, though.
The insecurity, the fear of being vulnerable, none of that is there. I feel GREAT. I feel like I proved myself somehow on that court, so I don't have to keep the walls up. I'm tired, bound to be a lil sore after using so many muscles I haven't used in ages, but I feel amazing.
...Maybe PT really does cure everything. :-)

Bliss, And I Don't Mean The Fort

I spent eight hours of my day on a bus.
While not exactly my definition of a good time, today was easily one of the best I've had in months. I wasn't stressed out about anything. Nothing. The man formerly known as boyfriend and I are on good terms, no drama, no fussing, though I'd be lying if I said I expected things would cool off this fast. I got to talk to a friend of mine as well as my Daddy on the phone today. I wasn't at work, which is always a plus. I got to read most of the day, which just topped it all off quite nicely for me.

I picked up a copy of Success Magazine today, and, I must say, I'm a fan.
While being a little underhandedly female oriented-which it took me reading about 4 different articles to actually catch on to- it is one of the most positive messages I've read in a while. One of my favorite things about this magazine is that the overwhelming message that I saw presented was take care of yourself. How many places do we actually hear that these days? I know my friends/family are about it for me.
So, after reading through this lovely magazine, I came up with a revised list of goals for my 24th year:

-Gym minimum 1x weekly (though I'm hoping I exceed that quickly and happily)
-Give at least 5 compliments daily, and go out of my way to do something nice for someone at least 1x daily. (People are my strength, and what makes me happy. It's a good goal to work on that.)
-Set aside a portion of money from each paycheck to buy something truly nice for myself. (Not just a tank top from the PX, something that improves my quality of life, and presentation of such.)
-Journal at least 3x weekly- blogs don't count!
-Minimum of 1 obligatory prayer daily. (The Faith asks for three, but I've been failing at this, so I'm starting slowly.)

It's been a really good day. It feels like the pieces are just sort of falling together today, and I'm truly grateful for that feeling. I hope I can keep this up.

Prophecy And Boyfriends

Self-fulfilling prophecy? Not so sure.
I'm trying my ass off. There are days that I have plenty of places I'd rather be than dealing with the hard times that are quickly building, but I stay because I love him, and because it's the right thing to do. Some days, I just wonder where that line is. Is it really supposed to be this hard?

Musical Perfection

I stumbled across this blog over at Baha'i Views about your perfect song, thanks to Google Reader, which I am so completely addicted to. I already know exactly what mine is. Joss Stone feat Lauryn Hill- Music. This song is me on a whole deeper level. My music is what keeps me calm, makes me focus. It's what I love most about life. I can't go a day without it. I used to sing for no reason in basic training, because I needed music in my life. These are the lyrics:

[VERSE]
Nothing in this world got me like you do baby
I'd give up my soul
If I couldn't sing with you daily
I'm not the only girl
In love with you it's crazy
I appreciate your groove
Now I know I owe everything to you

[CHORUS]
Music
I'm so in love with my music
The way you keep me
Movin
Ain't nobody doing what you're doing
Doing, doing
So bring me back to the day
When tape decks press play
DJ drop the needle til the
Record just break
You are my sunlight
You are the one mic
That sound so sweet because the beat just inspires me
Ooh

[VERSE]
No limit to your mind
Your endless love is open
To every race and kind
Could it be your blood runs golden
Baby if this world were mine
We would be singing in the Key of Life
When you're gone I can't survive
Cause I just can't be without my

[CHORUS]
Music
I'm so in love with my music
The way you keep me
Movin
Ain't nobody doing what you're doing
Doing, doing
So bring me back to the day
When tape decks press play
DJ drop the needle til the
Record just break
You are my sunlight
You are the one mic
That sound so sweet because the beat just inspires me
Ooh

[Lauryn]
Colours of sound
Scales and beauty
Audio scenery
Electric love and
Rhythmic symmetry
Written in memory
Beautifully crafted scenery
Complex or simplicity
Sonic energy
Piercing insensitivity
Sympathetic poetry
For some even identity
Collective entity
Something to belong to
A source of energy
The possibilities
Wave lengths and bandwith
Higher vibration
Energizing entire lands with
Or stand for
Lovers to walk hand in hand with
then plan for
Sanctuary chords
Harmony, melodies, even riffs can be
Disguised human essence
Sonically bottled ecstasy
Or melancholy
Agony blues angst
Exercising anxieties
Fueling entire societies
Making economies
Stimulating generating
Inspiration synonymously
Entertaining expression
Intangible invisible but undeniable
Plays the language of excitement on survival
Some call it tribal
But perspective is everything
Connected to everything
Some say collectively everything

[CHORUS]
Music
I'm so in love with my music
The way you keep me
Movin
Ain't nobody doing what you're doing
Doing, doing
So bring me back to the day
When tape decks press play
DJ drop the needle til the
Record just break
You are my sunlight
You are the one mic
That sound so sweet because the beat just inspires me
Ooh



[Thanks to Louise for these lyrics]

[ JOSS STONE LYRICS at www.AZLyrics.com ]

Patience, Strength And What Happens When You Run Outta Both

I've been stepping back a little bit the past couple days- trying to detach myself, I guess. Some of it is long overdue- caring too much only ends in pain, after all- but some of it, I think, was more that I simply ran out of Give A Damn.
I've been doing all I know how for quite some time now, and I finally got the idea: sometimes it's more important NOT TO CARE.
I won't go into depth with what areas of my life this applies to, but this is, right now, exactly where I stand.

Aging Disgracefully

I feel old, unattractive, and rather angry just now.
I'm sick, it's cold, and I have too much to do.
On top of that, I spend all my time worrying about this that and the other. Or someone else. Or trying not to think about someone else. Or any number of other things I really don't want to have to think about.
I turn 24 in a couple weeks here, and I can't figure out for the life of me how I got old in so few years. I remember wanting to be like the 24 year olds I knew. Now, I just want to feel 24, instead of 84.
Relationship issues, trying to work that out... N0 matter how in love you are with someone, relationships can really suck the energy out of you sometimes.
Work, work, work, work WORK. Study for the board, correspondence courses, study for EFMB, get civilian ed...
Save money.
Go to the gym, to work out, so you can get that 300 on the PT test and get more promotion points.

It's not like I don't get looked at. I get attention for my looks, okay, whatever. Knowing someone's looking at me and feeling attractive.... so not the same thing.

I don't know why it hit so hard today, but I just really don't care right now.
No, I REALLY don't care.

Maybe not giving a rats ass for a bit is what I need, I don't know.
I just don't have the energy to be dealing with crap right now.

Knocking On The Gate

“Perseverance is a great element of success. If you only knock long enough and loud enough at the gate, you are sure to wake up somebody.” -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I'm bound and determined to make this work. I hated that phrase for the longest time, because the two most insane, flabbergasting and calamitous relationships of my life began with the phrase "We'll make this work."
Here I am, understanding the meaning. Ain't that about a blimp.

I'm having to work a little harder to focus just now, on all of my goals. I will be headed for EFMB in a few months, and the promotion board sooner. My relationship is about to go through it's biggest trial. Then, I have all the normal stuff.

On top of that, I have replaced one illness for another, apparently, which has me just a little bit irritated as my newly scratchy throat and runny nose are quite stubborn.

I am focusing, whatever it takes. The gym is a given, studying is an unfortunate must and the rest will present it's own trials in due time.

This will not be what kills me, I will die of something else.