Cuz He Can Handle Me At My Worst!

((Copied from my Myspace Blog.))
So, I'm engaged to be married to a man I've been close friends with for nearly 5 years.He handles my temper tantrums like a pro, and has seen me at my worst and loves me anyway. I have been feeling him for a long, long time, but, well, the world finally got it's act together and here we are, engaged. We're thousands of miles apart, and I miss him dearly, but I've never been happier. If there's anyone I know that can handle my over-emotional self, it's my favorite tattoo artist. He thinks it's funny that I tell him he can out-crazy me, but I think he laughs because he knows it's true. This is the man, after all, who wants a Kiss tribute band to play at our wedding. I have no choice but to have some live music at the wedding, because my very talented Rock Star fiance is bound to get the itch at the reception, and it wouldn't be right not to let him get up there. I'm ridiculously happy.
I already learned to let him explain himself before I freak out on him- not because he'll get upset or hurt or anything when I don't give him the fair treatment because of my own hurt emotions, but because I'm goin to feel real dumb when I calm down and remember that I've known this man almost my entire adult life and that he's always been there for me, and isn't going to stop now. I guess that's what we call growing up.
So much for being a Toys R Us kid!!!
I love Ryan very much, and his kids, Karly n Josh, are happy for us, too. I'd be uncomfortable with the idea of marrying him if his family wasn't okay with it, his kids in particular.
My old Chaplain used to tell me 'True love will be pushed without being pushed away.' I never thought I'd find it, and then I realize it was mine all along!! I'm marrying my best friend, and I'm so excited to start our life together. I have found my Beast. It's funny to me the way I knew, for sure, this was "it". This man has had strippers put him on their speed dial, for, well, less than what we will call "honorable" purposes. He's had beautiful women hanging around him as long as I've known him. Why shouldn't he? He's a rather intimidating, intelligent, and relatively humorous (though not as funny as he thinks he is :-P ) musician and tattoo artist. The point is, he can have all the DD-bearing, size 00-wearing Barbie wannabe's he can stand around him- I really don't care. He loves me, and I'm the woman taking his name. He trusts me, loves me and respects me and that's something no Barbie doll will ever have with him. Man, if this ain't love, there's no such thing.
He's getting all of best, because he can handle me at my worst.Meanwhile, back at the ranch...I'm still finding out who my real friends are, and it's amazing to me how much getting engaged has impacted that. Some people here don't approve, or have jumped to some pretty major conclusions. That's just fine. The Shipjumpers in my life just keep weeding themselves out. Twitchy, Clef, Teal Dragon, Beth H, Beth J, Anthony, all of you who have stood by me and continue to do so, I have no doubt that there's something special in store for each of you for being such amazing and loyal friends. We look out for our own, and my loyalty to each of you is undying and without comparison. I love you guys- and there's a reason some people are family without ever sharing blood. Church!
Thank ya'll, and I love you guys- not just the names I listed, but all of my people who have stood by me. I am fortunate and grateful, and you should have no doubt who you are.

On Being Wrong

So, it finally happened:
I was wrong.
Mark the calendar, kids, it won't happen any time soon.

Or at least I'll have the good sense to let my fiance defend himself before I go telling the whole world what I'm about to be proven wrong about, anyway.

I've known Ryan for nearly five years. I didn't agree to marry a man who's faults I'm more than aware of and happen to miss something as big as being a total douchebag. Ryan is a good man, and I knew that- fortunately, he's also perfectly capable of handling my temper tantrums and freak-outs when they occur. He opened up to me today, and we talked. I remembered quickly why I fell for him in the first place. I can talk to him about anything, without exception. I sat there, at a picnic table, with who knows how many people over hearing parts of the conversation, and found myself totally comfortable anyway. I talked to him, poured my heart out and he- FINALLY- talked to me about the things he'd been holding back.

I love him, and he loves me.
Communication will get easier now that we both realize it's not just one of us who completely overthinks every little thing.

I'm grateful, loved and happy.
It feels easy, it feels real and right- because I'm engaged to a man I need never lie to or keep a secret from.
Yeah, really.

Trust, Love And What Really Matters

Maybe I'm wrong.
That would be nice.
Here I am, single again.
My feelings are overwhelmingly bad on this one, though, and I fear I am right.
So, back to being single.
Back to not trusting, for my heart's sake.

Gypsy Risk

So, here I am, sitting in Korea, engaged to a man I've known since I was 19 years old, who, well, isn't in Korea. It's strange the way things work out, isn't it?
I ran across my old journal from basic training the other day. I was 21 then, and newly divorced. I had met Ryan shortly after I was married, and, yes, found myself having feelings for him quickly. He was respectful, though, of my marriage, and never let it get too far, though we were close friends. It was easy enough to see how I felt- I never have been to good at hiding my feelings- but I returned to Maine, where he lives, a few months after the divorce. After a blow out with my mother, I ended up staying with him for the rest of my time there. I think that was when it solidified for me that I had feelings for him. He told me how much he'd liked being married, he cooked for me, and was just genuinely there for me.
For someone that resembles Sasquatch, he has a lot of love in that big, bloody heart of his.
Taking care of him (or attempting to, at least) when he had to go to the hospital for one of many kidney stones he's had, and the nurse referred to me as his girlfriend (and neither of us corrected her) just did something to me. Mind you, I left a date on the beach to take him to the hospital. It was worth it.
When I decided to join the Army, he asked me not to several times. I suspected he had feelings for me then, but he wouldn't admit to it. He wouldn't tell me why he didn't want me to join. Eventually, I linked it with something he had told me about his past, and then was that much more sure he had feelings for me. I got injured in basic training, and came home on con leave- and, again, found myself staying with him for part of it. Staying with him further drove my feelings for him, and it was becoming more apparent that I wasn't alone in them. It drove me nuts, though, because he seemed so much like the eternal bachelor that it just tore at my heart. None the less, we have kept in touch. Once I got to South Korea, we frequently and repeatedly found ourselves talking about getting married.
I had a few conditions, though, because I have no intention of being divorced twice, and there are some things that are just better for the big picture. I asked a lot of him. He is capable of anything, I believe this in my heart, and now that he has proven that, and now that I am in a place where I am ready, we are engaged. I am marrying him. People say they married their best friend- and now I'm starting to understand.
Marriage is always a risk, though, and I know that. I've been divorced more than 2 years now, and have only just fully healed from it, truthfully. I know the risks, I know the chances. I'm about to be the sponsor, the wife, the provider- and have two stepchildren. The kids are nearly grown, anyhow, and live with their mother. It's not like there will be a huge amount of weight on my shoulders because of the children, besides, they're great kids, anyway. Ryan's wild streak may be in both of them, but neither have been in trouble, and both of them are just tremendously smart and talented.
Ryan and I have been using the "L" word for years. It's nothing new or surprising.
It does, however, make me very, very happy.
His skills as a tattoo artist mean he can work anywhere, he'll do just about anything for me, and he loves me.
It doesn't hurt that he can cook, too.
:-)
I'm getting married!

Mrs. Danger

Chaplain, friends and even my Daddy are supportive, if a little surprised.
Truth is, Ryan and I have discussed getting married a number of times. I've been close to him since early into my first marriage, though he was more or less the only man that maintained respect for my marriage, regardless of the situation we were in. We would watch movies, horse around, and the like, and I never had to worry about him getting out of line, or putting my marriage at risk. I fell asleep during the movies often enough, and even drank with him, back in the day, and knew I had nothing to worry about. After the divorce, I struggled with my feelings for him and his 'eternal bachelor' personality. My journal entries from basic training seem to revolve around him and my struggles with these feelings. I've trusted him long enough to know he'd never be the one to hurt me, and he's more than proven he'll do what it takes to take care of me. He's been there for me in ways that others couldn't have been, and I've been fortunate enough to return the favor to some degree. I'm very happy and looking forward to starting my life with him.
We're trying to figure out how to do this long-distance, as I don't have the cash to fly home just now. However, Chaplain is encouraging and helpful and wants me to try to go home to do it, if possible. He's even willing to talk to my chain of command if it comes down to it. It'd be nice to be able to go home to do it, I won't lie, but I'll just be happy being Mrs. Danger, honestly.
(Yes, folks, Danger is a nickname, but I'm not using anyone's real last name on a public forum.)

Give Me This Day

I'm talking to a really good friend of mine from back home.
We've been talking about something kind of big for a while now.
This is a good thing, I'm confident.

Rough Rider

I'm doing it on my own.
Tomorrow is 4 months sober. No one local who was there four months ago even bothers with me anymore, with only a few exceptions, most of which are people I don't see often anyway.
I have several guys I'm hanging out with right now, almost all of which have a combat patch. At least it's someone who understands what PTSD is like. They treat me well, and I enjoy being around all of them. It's nice to have people who care around, especially when there's several. A few are NCO's, even. I don't know how I'd make it through this time without them. Things are hard and painful, and, even on leave, it seems like there's nothing but triggers around me. I've never had so much pain at one time, and never been forced to handle it this way. I have to deal with this all, or it will kill me. It sounds exaggerated, but it's not. If I can't handle this, I have no right re-enlisting or getting my stripes. If I can't take care of myself, I can't take care of my soldiers. By the same token, if I can't get better than this, no civilian job will want me. Failure is not an option, because this is truly a matter of survival at this point. Even if I have to fight this battle alone, I can't afford to lose it.
This has been going on since I was seven years old, which is something I only came to understand in the last 24 hours or so.
I have been fighting too long and too hard, and I have come too damned far to fail now.
"True friends are gonna stay true, ship jumpers gonna jump ship." -Haystak
I have no time for the ship jumpers, and am done paying attention to the people who couldn't be there for me.
It's just me now, me and the people who have my back.
You're either a rough rider or you aren't my problem.

Broken

I'm breaking down again today.
It's happening too often for me to keep pretending it's the exception instead of the rule.
There is something wrong with me.
I do the PTSD stuff regularly now. Hell, it's been almost weekly lately.
It's not getting any better.
I keep doing this over and over and over.

An email I wrote to a good friend:
I think there must be something wrong with me.All the counselors say they're surprised I'm doing as well as I am, but when I keep falling apart like this over and over, how the hell am I even doing well enough to survive, nevermind doing well?! Last minute changes throw me into an instant mood swing if they are too big. Having people push me when I'm already doing my best (like this morning) and not getting recognized for working my ass off just sends me into full-on tail spin. I burst into tears in the middle of work over crap that shouldn't even matter to me. I can't keep people at a distance when I want to. There is something horribly wrong with me that I just can't seem to control.I take the damned happy pills, but, dammit, I'm not happy. I always carry a knife on me, in uniform, usually a pocket knife and a gerber. Today I left both. I don't trust myself with one the way I feel. I feel out of control and I don't know what to do about it. I'm scared. This isn't the first time, and I can't keep pretending this feeling is the exception instead of the rule. I don't know what to do.

I'm on the medications. I'm doing everything I can at work. I don't think there was a day this last week I didn't do something physically demanding enough to be called excercise. I'm eating better than I was. I'm trying, dammit.
I don't think I can be fixed.
I love the Army, but I have to question if this is what I should be doing with my life if I'm like this. If this will never get better, I shouldn't be trusted to be responsible for others the way the Army expects. No matter what I want from myself, or for myself, this is reality.
The truth hurts.
I have no clue what to do.

You Won't Play With Mine

"You may have played with theirs, but you won't play with mine." -Haystak



I fought with Ashton last night. Maybe fight isn't the word. He actually made the effort to spend time with me last night, which I was grateful for. It felt great to be with him, though I felt ridiculously vulnerable. After finishing up a project and some ice cream at the Hilltop, we went back to his room, as he has far more privacy than I do. We went back there to talk, and did little of that. It hit us both then how much we'd missed being together. We mostly just kissed, and he rubbed my back. At some point, I fell asleep. When I woke up, it was almost 10pm, and I told him I needed to go back to my room. He tried to convince me to stay, but it wouldn't have panned out in the morning, I would have needed to walk across post twice. I also felt like giving in to him at that point was just giving him permission to blow me off again, it was giving too much of myself when I was already hurting. It was scary to feel vulnerable to him, when he'd only just hurt me.
He was mad that I wasn't staying. He was quiet about it, but it was obvious.
I text him thank you on my way back. It started a conversation which wound up with me calling him. We talked about things with us, but, as usual, he was completely non-commital, and it hurt me every time he had the chance to say he wanted me back but didn't. He doesn't want me back, but he doesn't want me gone. Unfortunately for him, he doesn't have that option. He told me I was giving him an ultimatum when I told him he needed to make his mind up about what he wanted because I couldn't wait forever, and it was already hurting me. I explained to him that I can't be in-between, that I either need to be his or not, and that not knowing hurts me, and is only going to hurt what we have. He kept arguing, and, frankly, being a jerk about it. I suppose the other girls he's dated never stood up to him, seeing as he cheated on all of them, his words not mine, but I won't be walked on. He may have played with other girls hearts, but he won't play with mine.
I fell in love with him quickly- much too quickly. He's not going to be the death of me, though, because he's gone, and he won't be the last man I love. I won't go back to him. I can't- not when things are this painful. It felt great to be with him, but when he can hurt me so badly with his words and not even realize it or seem to care, I don't need to be with him. After our fight or discussion or whatever the hell that was, the PTSD came back, again. At least this time I know what the trigger was. I slept like crap last night, what I did sleep, and haven't been able to pull myself out of the misery this morning. I almost yelled at my commander and nco before 0830 even rolled around. My commander asked me to speak to my 1sg, because he thinks it's a good idea for me to go on leave a couple weeks early... I'm sure that's not a good sign, but I appreciate the fact that this chain of command is at least noticing. I have a lot on my plate, which I'm learning to deal with much better, but a good chain of command can not be overrated. I'm not going to say I even get along with all of them, really, cuz there's honestly one or two people I'm not ridiculously fond of. Our unit is a family, though, without question or exception. I'm grateful to be part of this company.
I have a date, I suppose it is, tonight. Keddrick is a good guy, and much more mellow and sweet than most. He manages this without appearing weak, though he is going through a hard time in his life, so I don't look at things with us as really going anywhere. I do enjoy his company, though, and want to know more about him. His personality soothes me, and it feels like things revolve around me when we're together, even if we talk about him more, which happens sometimes. I don't know what he's in my life to teach me, but I know that I was supposed to meet him. God has a plan, even if I don't understand it right now.
Patrick, Cris, Joe, Ashton, and Keddrick- all the people in my life are part of that plan. All I need to do is keep following the path He has put me on, and I will be alright. I don't need anyone else to prove my faith to me, I do that every day. I can tell you, though, that I will be doing a lot more praying in the near future. If there was ever a time I needed God in my life, it is now. I thank Him for the blessings, as well as the opportunities.

Onward Ever, Backward Never

I got my retention photo taken today.
Today feels like a fresh start, though my direction is not clearly defined.
I went to see someone last night, a man, over on Carroll, who I met through work. We'd initially started talking about his adorable little girls, and the situation with our exes, when he was in my clinic. I'd emailed him some advice via AKO in reference to his daughters, and we kept in contact that way. After Ashton ended things- well, actually, not til 2 days ago- I sent him my number. He's a good guy, but going through a rough time. Needless to say, the fact he has kids does not worry me in the least. He's fun to be with, and a real gentleman.
As I sat there eating my pizza with him, I got a text message from the person I was trying so hard not to think about: Ashton.
It said goodnight, sweet dreams, and he really loves and misses me. *sigh*
So much for not thinking about him.
The hardest part is that I don't know, at this moment, that I believe it's going to be any different if things happened again with us. The harsh demands to eat healthier made me so self concious about my weight it was painful. I am not at a healthy weight for me, and have only gotten so ridiculously skinny because of the meds. I haven't been working out, and will put on weight when I start picking up on that again. His ex-girlfriend was a twig. I will never be that skinny, and I will never try to. Some part of me believes that's what he wants in a woman. I'm the wrong one for that. There's so many things about him I adore and appreciate, and then there's the things like feeling self-concious of my weight, and seriously questioning who these girls are that he was keeping around. I'm not the jealous type, and I refuse to be in a relationship where I feel I have competition. I need- no, dammit- I DESERVE to be appreciated for who I am and what I'm about. I'm a damn good woman, a hell of a soldier, and anyone who feels differently can go overboard with all the other shipjumpers.
I'm still hurting, but I need closure, and I don't have that right now. I've been told it takes time to prove you love someone, and that everyone deserves a second chance. I do not give my heart freely the second time. It must be earned, and right now it's at a turning point. The road I take is not completely up to me.
Regardless of who I spend my time with, some things must remain; I will not abandon my self-improvement or routine for any man. Gym schedule, sleeping routines, work- none of these things will suffer for another. I am a PFC and doing jobs way out of my paygrade. I will not risk losing my shot at being pinned corporal for a man who isn't going to stick around any damned way.
All I have is me, and my career.
I have not seen sufficient evidence to believe otherwise.
Keddrick is a risky situation, with all he's going through.
Ashton has already hurt me, but he is where my heart lies.
Neither will take my focus off of me and my goals, because what means most to me right now is getting those two stripes on my chest. I can make sergeant, without a doubt, when it's time. Corporal, though, is an honor that few get, and I'll be damned if I'm going to jeopordize the thing I want most.
I have worked too hard to stay where I belong. It's time I move up, because where I belong is no longer my comfort zone, and I can and will do better for myself, in my darkest moments and my brightest, even if I see both of those completely alone.

The Battle Within And Trying To Win The War

Forget North Korea.

I may be a couple hours south of the crazy little man with ego issues, but he has nothing to do with the struggle I'm looking at.

My mother and I don't see eye to eye on some things from my childhood, that's perfectly normal.

Bitch of it is, I'm starting to worry some of it had a grain of truth to it.

Bipolar is more vulgar a term to me than any other word I've ever heard.

I'm fighting the thought that it may be the appropriate one, though.

I have a decision to make now, and that is how I'm going to handle what I think may be the issue with my PTSD, moods, sleep, and anger management problems.

None of these have truly disrupted my work yet, but I have no intention of letting them get there. I'm a medic, and I'll be damned... *sigh* I'm trying to quit swearing. It's not going so well.

I'm not going to be put on any more medications. If it goes beyond antidepressants, it will be handled without medications. This is a choice I've made- I think. I refuse to go back to being on medications that numb me. I am going to have to gain some discipline, buckle down, and get myself on a regular excercise schedule that goes farther than just normal PT, start eating better (vitamin D goes a lot farther than most people understand!!! calcium, too.) and my writing is going to have to get serious- daily, at a minimum, and not just online. I also need to start tracking my moods, and get a better handle on the bad choices I'm making and what is triggering those.

My friend base is already in the process of a drastic overhaul. The people who have walked away from me are not going to be allowed to be a focus anymore. I knew there was a big change coming, I called it the 6th, on my way back from the long weekend with Ashton. I told him there was something about to happen. Here it is. Everything is about to change. EVERYTHING. This is going to be hard, it is going to be a pain, and it is going to take some serious time, but every morning it's got to be a renewed commitment to this. I only have me to take care of, I only have me to fix, and I only have me to keep myself in line. I'm capable of anything I don't give up on- and no one can tell me otherwise. All I have to do is keep going.

I have been sober nearly 4 months. In terms of war, it's Korea- I always have to guard the border, but the battle itself is non-existent.

The next battle is this right here- recognizing, once again, there is a problem with the choices I'm making and how I look at them. This is a little bit bigger battle, and may just be the battle that wins me the war.

TAKE THAT HILL!!!!!!!

Coping?

I'm not sure how to handle everything.
I'm tired, I'm lonely, and I've got more crap buzzing around in my head than I know how to handle.
I miss Ashton, but I know it's a bad idea to even consider trying things again. There were too many things that cut too deeply when we were together. I don't know how to handle someone who feels it's their place to tell me what I can put in my body. I don't know how to handle a relationship that feels unbalanced. I don't even have the first clue how to handle the $50 bottle of cologne I bought him, because it was a bad call on my part. I should know better than to spend my money on gifts for a man who hasn't even managed to stick around a month. What a waste.
I'm angry at myself and people in general right now. I feel more or less abandoned at this point. The people I'd trusted most are the people that have hurt me the deepest. I'm already tired and burnt out from all I've had going on, and really have no one to help me share the burden. The PTSD hasn't been this bad in years. I got 4 hours of sleep Saturday night, and that's the most I've gotten in a night since... Saturday night- the 4th of July. Ouch. 3 hours a night is becoming the norm, and nightmares have come back tenfold. I'm actually frightened of going to sleep now. I dread trying. I know sleep won't come for hours after I lie down, and, when it does, it will be filled with the classic replays of the rapes, the memories of things I shouldn't have seen as a kid, and whatever new concoction my ridiculously overactive imagination has come up with recently. The other night, it was Korean soldiers in my room, fighting. They couldn't see me, but they were all around me. They were aiming out the window, and preparing to fight... They were planning an ambush, and taking care of a wounded soldier. I don't feel like I sleep even when I do. I wake up sore and tired.
I feel alone, angry and tired.
My aggression is becoming harder to handle.
Nausea and palpatations (pounding heart) have become regular things.
I just want this to stop.

Cold

Eventually, I'm bound to start sleeping again.
I hope.
Saturday, I reached sheer physical exhaustion- I hadn't gotten more than 3 hrs of sleep a night in 5 days, I had gone hiking on some rough terrain, and packed for hours. I had gone out the night before, dancing. I was hurting. I slept for four straight hours. I don't remember any nightmares, for once. I couldn't sleep any more than that, though. I'm not sure why the PTSD is so severe right now, but it is truly a defeating feeling to lose so much of yourself to something you thought you'd won the battle over. Headaches, dark circles around my eyes, total lack of energy- my legs felt like they were going to collapse out from under me as I walked the 4 blocks to work. Emotions are one of two things lately: numb or overwhelming. There are a few exceptions. When I'm with Casey or Scott, I seem to keep in pretty good spirits. They're good guys. I still have a tendency to go unexpectedly numb, though, even around them.
I'd love to be home right now.
I'd love to be in the states, where people speak the same language as me, and going for a drive is possible. Driving used to be my sanity. It's been a year since I've driven.
Nearly everyone here has given up on me. The girl I called my sister has written me off in a big way. I'm so tired of people's bullshit, I've stopped caring. I'm ready to wipe my life clean and start over some days, just because it seems like the easiest thing.
Ashton ended things last Wednesday. I still hear from him every day, and Thursday I was such a wreck I asked him to stay the night. I told him the next morning it would be the last time. Saturday, he showed up drunk and tried to stay. I told him, in no uncertain terms, and in front of Casey, that it was not going to happen. It hurt too much to have him want to be with me like that sometimes, and still not want to be in a relationship with me. I won't let myself feel used. I don't even feel like I can speak to what or who he is anymore, because I question everything I thought I'd known about him right now. I don't trust anyone at this point, and I'm hurting pretty bad in general.
I keep finding myself thinking of my friend back home. He's been good to me, and he's a loyal and wonderful friend, but it's been a long time since my thoughts of him were strictly as a friend. I put myself out there, willing to be hurt, I think. He's never once said he's interested in anything more, and I swear I'm just asking for the pain I keep finding myself in these days. I want so badly to have someone there for me, someone who won't give up like everyone seems to, so I put my friendship at risk, hoping to capture what seems unnattainable. I've never done it voluntarily, but at this point, I don't think I have a choice. I'm going into shut down mode, I'm not going to keep letting people in. I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than keep hurting this way over and over. I was wrong, the brief pleasure of having someone around is not worth the pain that always ensues. The PTSD is already too much to manage, work keeps me plenty occupied, it's time I shut the rest out. I'll have soldiers under me soon enough, it's time I take care of my future instead of hoping for something that clearly isn't meant to be. I will learn to accept that I'm not going to have a family, and it'll be much easier when I do.
I can't keep letting people in.

Darkness

I fell apart last night. There were way too many things stacked against and on top of me. I finally snapped- and it barely stopped before the point of no return. Between my recent heartbreak, which is far from healed, the anxiety of an upcoming diagnostic pt test I know I am unprepared for, half my clothes being removed from the laundry room, and a certain SPC with certain biases decided to move me to another room after weeks of me busting my butt to accomodate the roomate he said was forthcoming for me, I had too much. I almost gave in to the alcohol again. I managed not to, and it's still been almost 4 months sober, but every day is going to be another struggle with it for a while, as some part of me still feels like I lost that fight just by wanting it so much last night. I was shrouded in darkness last night, and reached out to the only person I knew would be there when I was emotional- the same one who broke my heart. It made some of the feelings worse. He stayed with me, though. He was there, even if he's not mine. It was the last time, though, because I can't handle being with him and not with him at once. There was no lie when I told him I loved him, no conditions or demands. I can't stop those feelings just because he doesn't want that connection anymore. So the struggle with that connection is on me now, and I have to break that particular bind, at least at that level, before it destroys me. I don't want to be alone, but I can't make him love me or want to be with me, and I won't be one of those foolish women who try anyway. He's going to leave in November, go home, see Lyndsey, go to Kuwait, and, I honestly believe, he'll end up marrying her. I've seen it before- I always seem to be that pause in someone's life right before they figure out what it is they really wanted all along and why. I'm just the temporary burden that becomes a turning point, and quickly abandoned for bigger and better things. I doubt he sees it or believes it, though. He doesn't have to. I'll still give him that damned cologne I paid too much for, trying to do something nice. It was meant for him, as a gift, and that's what it will be. What he does with it is up to him.

My nerves are raw today, my eyelids heavy, and my heart in peices so shattered that the jagged edges no longer hurt me. Once again, I am alone, and I pray to God I can stay such for quite some time. I have lost the strength to love. No one is capable of love without return, and I can't return it right now. I can barely take care of myself at the moment, and am incapable of being the other half of someone. I would love attention, someone to be there and take care of me and hold me and help me right now, but I am all I have, and that's how it will stay. I just have to put my faith and trust in God that this path is the one he'd intended for me to follow, and that it will lead me to happier days.

Sturdy Boots

I'm still reeling a little bit from Ashton breaking up with me last night.
I'm not entirely sure how to take it all, but it was very 'it's not you, it's me' and 'we can be friends' in nature. Not a first, but nothing I even remotely saw coming from him. I really thought I'd found the one who'd stick around. My theory is no one can handle me more than a month. Few have managed. Last night, I was an absolute train wreck. Today, though, at least since about 0830 this morning (I've been up since 0430ish) I've been fine. I don't know why or how, but I'm grateful for it. I don't like the thought of being one of those ridiculous, sobbing, miserable little girls who's completely destroyed because a boy didn't step up to the plate the way she'd wanted. I'm better than that, regardless of who does or doesn't see that. I'm tired of people telling me they don't want to hurt me, when that's exactly what they're doing. I'm tired of people giving up on me. It would have been too easy to walk away from it all, because I knew I risked getting hurt. I'm stronger than that, though, and I believed in what we had, and in who he was. I don't believe in him any less, but there are some things that will never be the same after this. When someone gives you their heart, and they give it to you freely and in one peice, you don't have the option to give it back in the same condition they gave it to you. That isn't possible, and anyone who believes otherwise needs to rethink their method of handling relationships in general. They clearly are a bit confused about some things. I've had my heartbroken before, but I've always seen it coming. I suppose that's why I assumed I'd be more of a wreck than this. I've walked this road before, though, and, unfortunately, I may very well walk it again before I find the person I really am meant to settle down with. One of my many nicknames is Boots (long story) and, well, sturdy boots can make it down any road. I'm a gypsy by nature, a medic by trade, and a soldier at heart, and, no matter what it takes, I will make it through this, and anything else life throws at me. This will not be what kills me, I will die of something else!

Silence

The only way to make sure people you agree with can speak is to support the rights of people you don't agree with. - Eleanor Holmes Norton
I stumbled across this quote over on HeartsAndMinds.org and I love it. There's a lot of great quotes over that way.

Prayer

"Great spirits have always encountered violent oppostition from mediocre minds." -Albert Einstein

That's my quote of the week. It's up on the board at work. The commander wasn't a huge fan of that one, which I'd figured on, so I pre-empted and put up one from Gen George S. Patton- "Accept challenges so that you may feel the exhilaration of victory." I think it's a little more straight forward, and the commander is a big fan of simplicity over intricate depth. He and I are quite different, I think.

Today is a rough day for me. I had a really hard time sleeping last night, and it's showing too much today. I'm hungry, tired and more than a little cranky, though I'm trying to combat all of the above. I'm trying to keep focused on the Baha'i principles, because I can't think of anything besides faith that could possibly get me through this day in one peice. I have more work to do when I get home this evening, and may sacrifice my lunchtime nap to accomplish some of it, in hopes I might sleep tonight. There is a battalion level alert tomorrow, that is due early for our company. Ugh.

Baha'i Resources

http://www.bahaullah.org/
http://www.bahai.org/
http://reference.bahai.org/en/
http://www.news.bahai.org/
http://www.bahaindex.com/
http://www.bahai.com/thebahais/

As I lay down to sleep tonight...

Dreaming of you,
~Yours~

4th Of July

So, my Independence Day was pretty good. I got to spend time with some people I hadn't gotten to spend time with in a while, and hang out with my favorite boy. The whole weekend was great, even though some parts were great for what I learned rather than how it felt to be in that moment. I'm happy with the outcome, though, and happy I had Ashton there to share it all with me.
I realized something, lying on that borrowed blanket under the fireworks; this boy either has something very special to teach me, or he's the only one I'm going to be with. I'm hoping for the latter, personally, of course, but, well, life happens as it's meant to, not as we plan it. He's a beautiful person, with incredible potential, and a heart more patient than I knew they came. I'm not the only girl who sees what this man is worth. There is, however, one undeniable thing I have that they don't: him. Maybe, eventually, he'll explain to me what it is, in his eyes, that sets me apart from these females, but, for now, I'm happy just having him to myself. There are plenty of struggles to be had in the future, I'd just rather enjoy this as it happens.

Elbow Grease

I'm pretty tired today. I got a call at 0520-ish to come into work early. We were double booked today, across the board, and I was expected to essentially run the clinic myself for the first time. It rained cats and dogs today, though, which always seems to make people forget what it is they should be doing. I love the rain- always have, and this is yet another reason to love it more. The panic and chaos hit this afternoon, and then some, but I had been running the clinic all day, so, by that point, my NCO was back, and I had it all figured out, even if other people's ways of doing things tend to get on my nerves just a teensy weensy little bit. Okay, so I'm kind of a control freak when it comes to my environment, so what? It may not make sense to everyone else, but, dammit, it works for me, and quit trying to fix what aint broke, people! Anywho, the boyfriend has 24 hr duty tonight, so I didn't get to see him on lunch, but managed to treat myself a little bit. After work, I hit the commissary, and bought plenty of food, but did a lot better job managing the whole food-groups thing. Never been much for that crap. If I started eating healthy right now, I'd just waste away. If I started exercising, well, I'd start eating like I used to, and people would be running for cover. I don't know how the Army figures it only takes 300 bucks a month to feed any given soldier. I love my food, man!
Ashton n I had dinner together, and it was back to work for him. I came home and scrubbed the floors. A little Ajax, a lot of scrubbing, and then bleach wipes. I've got some to finish tomorrow night, but I did a ton of work tonight, and, soon as I get my laundry out of the dryer (HA!) I need to be headed in the general direction of bed. I had a really hard time sleeping last night, more trouble falling asleep than I've had in ages. I think I need to establish a bedtime routine that I stick to, regardless of where I sleep. Time has never been a big deal, but the pre-bed routine is like a football player warming up before a game- it's gotta happen. I guess it's one of those control things, again. Anyway, above are some pictures of this evening's work.

The Gypsy And The River Prince

He was just some guy who screwed up my headcount sheet.
I mean, seriously, blue pen?!
Now, he's the guy I spend as many nights as I can next to, way too much time thinking about, and more than enough time confusing. He's the guy who I can have everything with. He's the man who made me believe in love at first sight.
I spent a great weekend with him this weekend, and I'm grateful for his patience. I will never stop being a Gypsy, it is simply who I am. I am, however, learning from this man that it really wouldn't be so bad to have a place to come home to. I'm learning what stability is, and what loyalty in personal relationships is all about. It hasn't been very long since we started dating- less than a month- but already, he's put up with a lot from me,and handled it quite well. I'm impressed with how smoothly he deals with me when my emotions get out of control. He keeps his cool, he doesn't let it get to him, and he's learning to not dismiss my feelings altogether, even when they come a little too strong to be completely rational. He's a good man. He shares my faith, and many of my goals, and I don't have to work too hard to imagine us making it through whatever comes our way. He keeps me grounded and teaches me about computers and parts of life I wouldn't have seen without him, and I remind him of what's important in life, and how to believe, and how to handle people a little more gracefully- and the benefits of doing so. We make a good team. Love is a battle I'm just not sure I'd want to fight without him.
He may keep his walls up, he may try to be tough, but he loves me as I love him, and he tries to keep me reminded of that. Nobody's perfect, nor is any relationship- but this is the one that I'm in, and the man that I'm with, and I really don't want any other.

Fear And Failure

I don't want to lose what I have with him.
I can't begin to think of just walking away from this.
It hurts so much less when I don't expect someone to be there, though.
I just want him to be here tonight, I've been battling the PTSD all day, and I just don't want to be alone tonight and I have no choice. He's got more important things to do in the morning.
Am I just hurting him by keeping him around?
I certainly can't be doing him any good.
I can't even bring myself to explain it, because I might as well be forcing him into it.
No wonder I feel neglected when I keep making him do this crap.
I wish I could bring myself to walk away. No matter how much I love him or how incredible this is, it seems like I can only be hurting him, and I don't want that.
I'm so lost, and I only feel more alone knowing he's not that far away, but not here with me.
No, I don't want to sleep tonight.

Random Amusement

Back To God

The man and I hit a bump tonight. I love him, but I don't handle my PTSD or anything that reminds me too much of past heartbreak well. I don't know where he is or what he's doing tonight. So, I sit in my room, relaxing and getting back to parts of me that I'd neglected lately. I got my toes n nails done today, and I'm listening to Baha'i music as I relax. I am probably taking off tomorrow morning for Seoul. The boyfriend hasn't called me at all tonight, and it's on his cue now, because I don't want to do all the chasing. He's very good to me, but men tend to take things for granted when they don't have to work for them, and, well, I feel a little neglected right now. He's n0t inconsiderate or rude, as a rule, though he's had his moments, but this just wasn't how I thought it would be, I suppose. Not to say I've had any chivalry or romance in my life in quite some time, but it wouldn't be a horrible thing just now. I miss feeling like a lady, instead of someone's old lady. So, tonight, I take care of me, I pray, I watch a movie, do some cleaning, and relax. I want to see my friend Casey, but I think it's better that I take tonight for myself, even if I miss out on that. Besides, you never know when the sadness is going to strike and things just get so crazy after that...
Chappy n I had a good talk today. I guess breaking down at work is starting to be a lil more apparent than I'd like. The PTSD is bothering me, and my temper just seems so out of control sometimes. I'm a happy person, I hate that this keeps interfering with what I'm trying to do. I need to pray a lil extra tonight, because God is surely trying to guide me today, I've seen it here and there, but it is still so hard to follow Him sometimes.

Reflection

I don't see her when I look at myself in the mirror. Thankfully, I look more like my Daddy's side of the family. My personality is more that of my stepfather than anyone else. He was, after all, the most consistent adult I had in my life before age 12. Every once in a while, though, I hear a phrase, or a tone to my voice, and I cringe- those were her words, that was her voice.
My mother used to be beautiful. I remember when I was 5, she used to make sun tea, out of tea pouches, in that big sunflower container, and it would sit on top of the old, broke down cadillac in our yard for a day or so. It was delicious. She cooked, homemade tortillas, enchiladas, meatloaf, fish, so many things.
I don't know when she became ugly to me.
She'd lost her beauty by the time I was 9, though, I remember that much. Maybe it was the cheating that made her ugly in my eyes. Maybe it was when I started seeing the alcohol. Maybe it was just that I started seeing the flaws in the woman who wasn't supposed to have flaws.
I'm 23 now, and I look back on years of stories, of lies, and am only vaguely better at sorting out what was the truth and what were lies than I was ten years ago. My dad simply telling me 'how he remembered it' opened my eyes to the bullshit my mother had been spoon feeding me and my sister- and Heaven knows who else- for so many years. I started trying to seperate my own memories from the stories she'd told us were explanations. I realized there were years of unneccesary anger at this man who'd lost so much just trying to take care of us. The farther I got from her, the more I could question. Surgeries, medications, abuse, injuries... so many lies. So many people taking the weight of her actions because of the stories she told her children about it. Children are so impressionable. I know I was. She was never the guardian angel she made herself out to be, but she'd have been damned if anyone would knock her from that perch, anyway. Lies about so many men, so many incidents... I wonder often if my sister, 16 months younger, has gone down this road yet. I am scared to bring this up to her- she never healed the way I did. I don't know how she would take the things I have learned or the stories I understand. She lives with our mother, I don't even speak to the woman. I think, frequently, that she's doomed herself to die alone. My sister talks about moving away a little too often to stay there forever, though I wonder if she'll ever really get on her feet in any real way. She's one of the smartest people I know, and I think it does her a disservice more often than not. She believes more in standards and tradition than she does in herself. I am so proud of her, but worry so much for her. I don't think she understands enough to worry about the things I do. I still feel like an adopted child trying to peice together my childhood and family, but I know now that nobody can tell me what I'm capable of or not capable of. I've overcome alcohol problems of my own, and more hand-me-down issues than any child should have been given, and here I am, still not satisfied. All I want is more, all I'll accept is better. No, it's not my mother I see when I look at my reflection in the mirror. It's a woman who pulled herself up by the bootstraps in a way most people could only imagine.
And that's beautiful.