Hooah!

I joined the United States Army. I will be a medic- the MOS (job title) I was told I would never manage to pull by my recruiter and the recruiting station commander. I will be shipping out for Basic Training on August 21st, and I don't think I could be more excited unless I already had all my stuff sorted out. I'm not really nervous or scared, though I'm sure the closer it gets, the more my nervous I will be. I'm looking forward to it. I've been wanting to do this for a long time. I have no idea where I'll be stationed, or really much of anything after my training, but I've always been rather fond of adventures, so I'm not particularly worried.

Preoccupation Of The Heart

I've never been one to be stuck on a man. If I can have him and I want him, he's mine, if one or the other isn't there, I'm not about to waste my time. Then again, there's no one else like Mike. I've known Mike for damn near three years now, and we've had no problems, no fights through all of that. We don't always agree, of course, but we both handle ourselves like adults when it comes to those things. I've never lied to him, and, to my knowledge, he's never lied to me. The catch is, we've been talking via telephone and internet since we met. Yesterday morning, at seven o'clock, he got into town after a long drive from up north. I met him in the mall parking lot, and I hugged him and he hugged me and for the next 26 hours nearly all was right in the world. I had the best day in the history of my existence. The memories I have from that one day just astound me. There were no roses, no candle-lit dinners, no walks in the moonlight... But the absolute love and compassion I have had in my heart for this man blossomed in ways that should scare me, should make me turn and run. He's not ready for a relationship, and, until I started realizing my feelings for him, I didn't think I was, either... I trust this man implicitly. He is the most redneck, bizarre, foul-mouthed and goofy person I've ever met. It just so happens that he is also the man that made me feel more loved in a period of 26 hours than other people have been able to in periods of months or years. I love the woman I am when I'm with him. I can be so uptight, so overly emotional, so stressed, and he just flipped a switch somewhere and I was the person I've wanted to be. I was goofy, random, open, trusting, happy... He's not ready for this. I won't push him into a situation he's not ready for. I don't want anyone else, though. Never before has my heart been stuck on someone out of my reach, but it doesn't seem silly or stupid or risky to me now. Mike would never intentionally hurt me, and he's always there for me. He's never broken a promise to me. I'm not sure there's much he wouldn't do to help me. He knows more than damn near everyone about me. I got an email today from the last person I went out on a date with, apologizing for some innappropriate behavior, and basically saying he wanted a second chance... He can be a nice guy, good looking, so on. Frankly, though, he could look like Johnny Depp and act like Casanova with as much money as Bill Gates, I don't want anyone else. I never thought I'd say this, but I hope that never changes. He's had a six year relationship destroyed right before his eyes by the woman (girl) he'd spent so much time with, and is questioning the paternity of the child she carried and he named. I can't blame him. I understand all too well what betrayal feels like. I can't ignore what I felt when I was with him, what my heart is telling me... He may not be ready, I mean, hell, I'm not even sure I am to be honest, but I love him, and I can't- and WON'T- change that. If all we're meant to be is friends, that's okay, because I'm truly blessed to have him in my life in any capacity. However, at this point, he's all I want, and I will wait until I either know this is not meant to be, he would be happier without me in his life in that capacity or, really, until I have him and can prove to him that I am the woman that he wants, and the one that will always be there for him. I don't intend to ever lose his friendship, though. I respect him so much and have NO intentions of giving him anything to be worried about. I love this man, whatever the risk.

Depressed And Alone

I can't remember the last time I felt so alone. I'm sitting in my roomate's house, pretty sure he's sick and tired of my existence, and totally without hope. The enlistment process is taking so much longer than it ever should, and I have no one left here that cares. John is long gone, barely responds to my text messages and only calls me when he needs something. David is one of the biggest pricks I ever met. Mike n Tiff are out of town for two weeks. Adam is stuck to John's hip, regardless of what he tells everyone else about John. I'm so lonely and so depressed and just fucking miserable... Dad never seems to remember what we talk about from one conversation to the next, and I'm worried about him but have no way of seeing if this is normal for him much less a way to do anything about it... I feel like someone killed everyone I ever knew and dropped me onto a desert island never to be heard from nor missed. I'm alone, I'm going broke quickly, and I'm scared...

Broken

I'm tired of people. I'm angry and bitter and hurting and still too weak to stand on my own. I don't know why I can't make this dependancy go away. Im broken and I cant figure out how to fix myself.

through the hoops!

Motherfucker. The next man I fall in love with needs to jump through some serious hoops. I wont EVER move for another man. I won't EVER give up something to be with someone. They will have to chase me, they will have to show me what Im worth to them. I'm sick and tired of falling and sacrificing and ending up alone yet again. Im done with that, if only because the next lover who breaks my heart may end up with something else broken. I'm drunk. I'm pissed. And I'm all. fucking. alone. Kiss my ass. No one reads this, I don't care. I've got no one to look out for me anymore, and I've only got myself. I will simply have to manage. I'm not happy with things, the things I want the most will never come. Love is grand, marriage is bullshit, and trust is for a select few who know better than to surrender to either. I just want someone to hold me, I dont want love, I dont want romance, I just dont want to feel so totally alone... I want someone to put their arms around me and tell me things will really be okay... But no one will, and maybe that's because it won't be okay... Im tired of this. Im tired of all of this... I just want to give up...

Not Alone, Not In Love, Not Sure

Well, to say shit hit the fan is probably an understatement for the happenings of the last two or three days. I've lost track of what it's been now. He broke up with me with no more reason than to say he wasn't ready for a relationship after I moved 2,000 miles for him, amongst a good many other things. He didn't particularly care if I left to sleep at a shelter, and I can't say I'm particularly happy with him. However, I can't say I made all the right choices, either. Giving up everything for him was a mistake. Perhaps it works for some, but it didn't in this case. Some small part of me is still looking for love, but I'm hoping the next time I find myself falling I will fall for the right reasons and be treated the right way, even if it's not forever... A friend of mine, well, at that point a contact more than a friend, offered me his couch when he found out what was going on. Kevin is a sweetheart, and I couldn't possibly be more thankful for a man I feel I barely know. I hope I can make the right choices concerning my future, though it looks like my only option will be to try to get on my feet in Washington while living with my ex-husband. We aren't getting back together, not by any means, but he's being kind and generous and helping me out, so I can't complain. Hope pops up in the oddest of places...