Mizpah

Some things began to come together for me today.
I've been doing a lot of spiritual reading lately, though more about the three major faiths than that which I find myself holding to. "A History Of God" is an excellent book. I own the Quran, the Torah, the New Testament, as well as the Kitab-i-aqdas. I am fascinated by religions, faith, spirituality, and how it has all progressed.
Today, though, I think the beginning of some larger things came together for me in my personal life. I have tried to be the good woman, as well as the independent one. It's a harder balance than one might think. I know only what my heart tells me, and, well, sometimes we disagree. I see what I want, and I see what might be, and those two things don't always line up quite as I'd like. I know I will not give up on what I have without a hell of a lot more reason. I will protect it. I keep my personal life quiet so others won't be able to directly influence this. I keep this quiet and hidden so that I can heal without fear of repricussion from my peers and seniors if my relationship doesn't work out. I hide so that there will be no questions to answer, no sideways glances, no second thoughts.
My faith isn't as strong as I'd like. Should this not work out, there are choices I've made this time around that I won't be willing to make again, despite what most would assume might be my only choice. There's too much to lose making this decision. I can't regret what has so far taken me to the right places, but it's not something I will risk doing again, no matter the effort it will take.
I will let everyone continue to whisper, because it's not what any of them think.
It's better this way.
Physically, I have been more and more determined to get in better shape. I got that 256 while still on recovery from profile, I know that, come spring, I can get that 300. There's no reason I shouldn't.
Professionally, for once, I think I might like to slow down a bit. I'm looking at some goals I'd rather do before I get my stripes. I'm trying to determine the easiest way to combine flight medic with duty station of choice, and this is more complicated than I'd imagined. Or maybe I'm just looking from the wrong angle. I had wanted flight medic so badly, but allowed myself to be talked out of it- it was too hard, etc.
I refuse to back down this time.
I'm going to figure this out. I'm going to put the three things that I need to focus on right now into a plan, make them work together somehow. I'm going to get this right this time.
By any means necessary.

Legacy

What will be left when I'm not left anymore?
Does everyone wonder this, or is it a unique question?
It's odd to me that I have a birthday coming up, and, instead of plans or gifts, I'm contemplating ends.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal or even considering the fact that my end may for any particular reason may be in even the next few years. That's not it at all.
I just have been thinking about my life lately, and wondering what impact it will make, and what impact it will have made by the time it's all said and done.
I have images in my head, maybe some of them are from books or movies, like that Leonardo Di'Caprio Romeo & Juliette, or the scene from Around The World... Or maybe it got into my head from the MLK jr biography I read as a kid... Some big old Southern chapel somewhere, with someone singing loudly, Amazing Grace, perhaps. Or maybe a Beatles song. Or a Baha'i spiritual type song.
None the less, knowing the people I have, who would be there? Would I have made a difference to them? Or would it be the people who feel they are obligated to make an appearance, as it's been at so many funerals and other big deal ceremonies? Would it just be a few people from my family- my parents, my sister... Or would it be people I'd met throughout my life, people of different races, backgrounds, not just military, either... Would it be the memorial service of someone who made a change in the world? I love the quotes about how a small effort can have a powerful impact.... realistically, though, each of us can only do so much.
I've come a long way as a person, but that's just me.
I don't have the first clue how long I'll live or what my ultimate limitations will prove to be.
I just need to figure out exactly how I want to leave this world, what my legacy will be...

Trusting The Shadows

Why is it so hard to let go of the past and trust someone who hasn't given me any reason not to?
Why can't I believe that he really won't hurt me?
He's done everything right, what is it I keep wanting him to prove?

The Music To Your Soul, Child

Here's a challenge: Spend 24 hours really listening to the words in your favorite music, or at least what you listen to the most right now, and figure out how listening to that, how the words, how the emphasis is making you a better person.
No, seriously.
Does listening to 50 Cent make you a better person? How?
I've fallen clean in love with Michael Franti's music, because so much of it has such a strong, truly beautiful message about the world, and still mostly has that clean, real hip hop beat. India Arie, Joss Stone, Erykah Badu and Floetry are other favorites, but for much more obvious reasons. M. Dot, who published over at Racialicious, as well as the normal spot over at Model Minority, brings up a great point; how are we investing so much in a music industry who's battle cry is 'We don't give a damn' when so much is going on in our world that's working against us? What would happen if we put as much energy into bettering the world around us as we do in saying we don't give a damn about it?
This is the root of my challenge.
No matter how much we swear words have no power, we continually prove ourselves wrong. The men in our lives wouldn't dare call us a bitch or cunt (or not to our faces if they did) and us lighter-skinned folks steer clear of the "n word" like it would bring the wrath of God upon is- because it would probably come awful close.
Words have power.
What we put in our minds affects what comes out of our mouths.
What comes out of our mouths affects the world.
So, what does your iPod say about who you're trying to become?

Discipline in Youth

I'm seeing a lot of articles about children lately.
There's this one about Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall, speaking out against explicit music videos. The article makes a good point about youth not really having the discipline to say they don't like these sort of displays. I don't know many teenagers who aren't sucked in to the 'nudity is cool and grown-up' mentality.
Then there's girl effect dot org. This site is riddled with fascinating statistics about how vital women and girls really are to a society. Females, on average, reinvest 90% of their income into their families, while males are at 30-40%.
This picture is a sweet reminder of the lives that are continuing amidst the wars. Children and families still live in these places, forced, I would imagine, to take sides on a daily basis. None the less, life goes on, no matter what is happening around you.
I'm wondering where my place in this world is, and how I might make it better.

Growth

I suppose it's a periodic thing at this point, but I'm going through one of my dark times, which, I can only hope, will end up with me learning some things about myself. I'm not sure what exactly the obstacle is right now, but I know my anxiety is surfacing in a new way. In the most positive of views, I think that maybe this is that last burst of the true problems with it, as I have definitely come a long way.
I've gotten side tracked, to some degree. I've lost focus.
My other half says I need a hobby, and I don't disagree. There are a lot of things I need to improve about myself, though. I wonder sometimes where the line is between a hobby that helps me and just plain ol' helpin me.
There's an article about an actress preparing to play the role of one of the Queens of England I stumbled across earlier. Amongst the points of the article, the actress mentions that the young princesses are usually sent to ballet classes to help them move gracefully. This reminded me of the concept of slowing down, and how much I'm reminded that it would probably serve to improve my quality of life greatly. And how much I agree. I don't relax well. I sure don't have an easy time moving/thinking/speaking slowly, either.
Then there's this article about Haiti and the children there. It's interesting to realize how far I've come, and how much I still think that my life doesn't really make that much difference in the world, even after so much change. I can't help but wonder if having a family is what I'm destined to do, or if this Army thing is even in the long-term Ultimate plan. There is plenty that is not within my view at this point, that's for sure, but I need to get my head together and come up with a plan that I will be happy with in the long-run.
Spiritually, there's still a lot I feel I have left to learn. I have a lot of spiritual studies I plan to do.
Relationship-wise, things are going well, but my feeling lost can't help my relationship.
I am grateful for The Royal Family, my people back home, my friends and all the people who've had my back lately. I have my difficult moments often enough that I am aware of them, but these people love me none the less.
I am looking forward to being home.

The Ghost Of Turkeys Past

It's Thanksgiving Day here in the Republic Of Korea.
I'm feeling a little under the weather, presumably from being stretched thin these last few weeks. It truly feels like I've been a month without a day off. I can't say I'm burnt out- I've been burnt out before, this is not the same thing. This is just really tired, and trying to heal. The anxiety I've been struggling with for so long seems to have surfaced all at once. I've spent years trying to heal and control it, and now, just as it felt as though it had gotten so much better, the remains of it seem to have floated to the top and be there for everyone to see.
When a friend reaches for something too near my head, I flinch, some part of me expecting to be struck.
I've had a couple unexpected anxiety attacks, and I still can't figure out what caused them.
I may be improving, but it's a hard path to healed.

The Line In The Sand Blowing In The Wind

I need to be independent. I know this, without a doubt.
It's a fact of life in the military that couples will be seperated at times, married or not. There's just no avoiding it. It's this reason that I struggle with what I should be able to expect from my signifigant other when we actually are together. I struggle with the reason I even want a relationship with anyone if I'm going to have to do it all myself eventually anyway. I have plenty of people in my life who care about me, and there's not a doubt in my mind that I will always have someone there for me when I need them. There's no obvious needs I have that I don't know how to accomodate on my own at this point. Why involve someone else?
My heart and mind struggle with this frequently. Regardless of where my heart is, it's going to hurt sometimes. I know this, it's a fact of life. I can handle that. What I can't handle, what I can't understand to save my life, is why I feel the need to give someone else that much power over me. Why do I still want that? Why do I have my heart broken and still want to love and be loved? Why can't I be one of those people who are enough for themselves?
I'm so ashamed of feeling this way, but it's there, and I just can't deny it anymore. I don't know what I should be doing with all of this.

The Ignorance Rap Is A Wrap

I'm tired of it.
I'm tired of religion being to blame for everything, and, at the same time, being completely ignored. When I go into the PX and buy a Quran, along with the book A History Of God, well, I don't like the fact that I get dirty looks, or have a woman back off four feet from me when she sees it in my basket. These people who are judging an action, or, in other cases, a person completely unknown to them who they run into in a public place, by their religion probably know about as much about the Muslim faith as they do the Baha'i faith, or the Hindu faith, or most others. I suspect many who condemn are less than thoroughly familiar with the religion or faith that they claim.
GOOGLE IT, PEOPLE.
BUY A BOOK.
STOP LIVING IN IGNORANCE!!!!!
I'm so tired of this crap!!!
I am not condoning any one's actions. I do not agree with violence, I do not agree with murder, I do not agree with that nonsense. I do not agree with HATE.
I do not agree with HATE and I do not agree with IGNORANCE.
I especially do not agree with those who use their ignorance to excuse their hate.
The media is not a source of reason, it is a source of opinion. Some of the opinion has fact and maybe even a little reason mixed in there. As human beings, we have, not the right, but the responsibility to separate these things and to judge what is fact and what is opinion for ourselves, and to refrain from passing judgment on others.
I'm sure I'll get lit up for this one, so go on ahead.

My Family And Being A Lady

I heard something recently, about people learning to accept peace into their lives.
That's where I'm at now. I'm LEARNING to allow peace into my life.
Things have been so chaotic and busy and so many other things, I really didn't have a place in my life for peace or calm, I snatched a few personal minutes of it where I could, and kept moving. Now that things are starting to calm down, now that I'm really getting a grip on my world, I'm having to learn to let things be calm, and to trust that they can be. My family here, my brothers, they're absolutely instrumental in all of this. I love these guys, and I can't imagine having come through all this so well without them.
I am also, though not too gracefully, learning to, well, be a damn lady.
I'm not saying I've been a whore or brute or anything like that. I'm just in a place in my life where I am beginning to see the value and reason of the quiet strength I've admired in many women, despite my previous lack of understanding as to why they would choose this path. I will be 24 years old in January, and am blown away looking at my past at all that has changed. I'm nothing like the woman I was even a year ago. I've grown and changed in ways I never could have understood or imagined. I'm proud of myself and how far I've come, and am honestly looking forward to the future.
I see these women that I have admired so much for so much of my life, and realize now that there are, in fact, as much as I hate to admit it, some situations it is better to accept that quiet, graceful strength, to not kick down the doors because you can, and to work a little less loudly to make the changes you know you can.
It's a process, but I'm getting there.

The Book Deal

I've decided I'm going to actually write a book, like I'd wanted to at one point.
I really liked the way Maya Angelou's was a few short stories, and, seeing as I have the attention span of a ferrett on crystal meth most days, it seems like the best plan of action.
I've got to get more female friends in my life. My guys rock, but, dammit, I need to have girls around too!!!!!

The Number Of Blessings

I am sore, stressed, frightened and more than a little tired. I must be the luckiest woman in the world.
I am sore from taking a PT test I did better than I ever have on- and have all the ability in the world to take.
I am stressed because I have a job I enjoy and immerse myself completely in, while plenty of people are having a hard time finding any job at all.
I am frightened because I have something to lose.
I am tired because all of these things keep my days full and busy.

This is only a brief overview of my blessings. I am very busy these days, but have noticed that I have become a little on the ungrateful side, and I don't like that. Ungrateful to God, ungrateful to myself, ungrateful to my friends and family, and ungrateful to those around me in general.
I needed the wake up call.
I also noticed, as I told a good friend of mine the other evening, that I have, at some point, become afraid to smile. I'm not sure when or why this has happened, but I have realized that it takes concious effort on my part to give a true smile. If that's not a sign of trouble brewing, I don't know what is.
It is not a bad thing that I see these things, because at least I see them. Maybe these things have always been this way, and I am just now noticing them. Either way, I am seeing places where improvements can be made, and laying the blueprints just can't be negative.

Roots

I called my sister today.
It was nice to talk to her again, but weird in plenty of ways.
I hear my parents in my choice of words sometimes, but talking to her, I realize how much I really have changed since I left that life. My own words seemed so unfamiliar as I spoke. There was a part of the Maya Angelou book I just finished that said something about that it is not that you can never go home, it is more than you can never leave home, because those places, people and situations are carried with you for the rest of your life. I suppose that is true. I suppose the memories and pains and joys I've had will be with me for the rest of my life. Everything will continue to change, as it always has and always will, and so will I.
I just wonder, sometimes, what exactly it is that's made me the way I am.
Much of who I am, I have been since before I can remember why.
I remember being very young- maybe 3, maybe younger- and being very upset by the concept of race. I corrected adults from a very young age. That man was not black- I knew what black was, I had owned many boxes of Crayolas- he was dark brown, so why did they insist on calling him black, and why did that matter? White was an even bigger issue for me. Plain paper was white, I was not that color, nor was I plain. I grew up in a Mexican and Apache area- there were very few of us 'white' people around. I don't remember race or the way people spoke about it being something I just accepted, ever. I remember in 2nd grade discovering that Martin Luther King Jr's birthday was the day before mine, and having an immediate fascination with him from that point forward. What about before that, though? What created my inherent dislike of race at such a young age?
I have heard some very racist people use excuses about being molested or raped by someone of this race or that to explain away their clear and wrong prejudice, which is another rant entirely, but what of the opposite?
Beyond this one thing, I have always had a strong sense of justice, a love of music that my parents have assured me goes back before my actual birth, and my intense love of all things bright and colorful.
There's many things, perhaps some things I, myself, have failed to even realize.
What is it that dictates these things?
I am somewhat like my parents, but different enough from each and both of them that I know genetics surely cannot be completely responsible.

On another note, I had something pretty random but very meaningful come to my attention last night... My first pregnancy, the daughter I speak of now and again, Astaria... She was due April 4th, near as I could ever figure, and I always looked at that as her birthday. Last night, as I lay reading my Maya Angelou book (A Letter To My Daughter- highly recommended!), I read a passage about her friendship with Corretta Scott King. She speaks about Dr. Martin Luther King's death, and the fact that he died on her birthday. She writes about how Mrs. King and she would exchange flowers and phone calls every year on that day---- April 4th. How I have read biographies of Dr. King's life and never before realized this coincidence, I may never know. It was, at once, both startling and soothing.

It is lunch, and I am feeling sick, sore and very, very tired. I am going to lie down for a nap and hope there are answers on their way to the many questions in my mind.

Creation

I've had a lot of thoughts, a lot of ideas, and a lot of words flowing through my mind these past few days. I spent a good hour or so writing in my journal last night. It's been a while since the words flowed like that, for no audience, for no purpose other than to flow. I consider myself a writer by nature- I certainly had no say in the fact that it's the only way words formulate properly for me- but, for the last, well, year I suppose, the words have been much harder to force. I can't put my finger on a particular time when they got stuck or what it was that made them that way, but I know that I used to be able to write six or seven blog or journal entries in a day, and still go to bed with ideas bouncing around in my head like ping-pong balls.
Music, I think, is some of what's helped me find that release again. Some of it has also been a lot of prayer and a lot more reading than I've done in a while. Books, I've missed you so!!! I've been devouring them lately, every chance I get- not to say I've had a lot of free time, as I can only dream of that kind of day lately. Every free moment I do have, though, my nose is buried in whatever book I happen to have nearby, just like when I was a child. I remember Mrs. Miller, my third grade teacher, trying to explain to me and my parents that I should not be reading during math class. She couldn't entirely be angry at me for it, as I truly loved books and always have, but I also wasn't paying attention to the class she was teaching. It's rather amusing, in retrospect.
More than just reading, though, I am really enjoying the books I am choosing to read. Nora Roberts can kiss my butt. She is an amazing writer, but she is more story teller. There's nothing wrong with that, of course, but those who speak those humble, but often very weighted truths are more what I've been interested in as of late. I've been reading a lot of religious material, and have recently stumbled across a book by Maya Angelou, and think I may have fallen in love with her words! She is a deeply truthful writer- she is one of few who is so entangled in the story she is telling that she seems to forget to push her words.... I don't know if I can describe it well, really. Most writers have this element of display to their works. They use words they know their audience can grasp, words their audience will associate with what they're trying to make them feel. With Ms. Angelou, though, it's just simple, and very real. There's nothing but her and the page. I admire her for that. I am very intrigued by what trait she must have to accomplish such a thing.
Ms. Angelou aside, I've found a lot of very basic things about myself that I seem to have forgotten, lately. My creativity, or whatever it is that passes for it in my eyes, has returned, for the time, and I am enjoying it. I am enjoying finding myself taking interest in things like writing and fashion and art and photography again. I am enjoying stumbling across artists and writers and images and people the way I used to.
Some part of me is frightened that this will fade away again.
The more optimistic side of me, however, says that returning to yourself is one of the later stages of healing.
"Suppose she is right. She's very intelligent and she often said she didn't fear anyone enough to lie. Suppose I really am going to become somebody. Imagine.' At that moment, when I could still taste the red rice, I decided the time had come when I should cut down on dangerous habits like smoking, drinking and cursing. Imagine, I might really become somebody. Someday." -Maya Angelou
What a frightening thought, becoming somebody.

Surprise

Race is on my mind again.
I get the bizarre looks every other time I open my mouth: the new female in the unit is shocked that I speak the way I do, or that I don't segregate myself because I'm white, or because I listen to gospel as much as I listen to hip hop or country or soul. Honestly, lately, I've listened to gospel more than I've listened to anything else. "Open The Eyes Of My Heart" by Alan Jackson is my favorite, out of what I have on my iPod currently.
Sometimes the looks bug me, sometimes they don't, other times I'm proud to be outside the box people assume I must fit in.
I'm frustrated, though, with things I hear and see. I don't define this thing called racism very well, you see. We all have our pre-concieved notions based on what we know, I'm sure, but where does the line between true prejudice and mere pre-concieved notion fall?
Let me explain- someone who is prejudice is convinced, more or less past the point of any outside force being able to alter their point of view, that such a person will act a certain way, etc.
Someone who holds a pre-concieved notion, however, has had certain experiences, but is not beyond seeing that there can be exceptions or differences.
"All black men are thugs."
I've heard these words recently- I'm not about to call anyone out, but they got me thinking. These words were said by someone I really wouldn't have expected any form of prejudice from. I'm not entirely sure which side of the line my friend falls on after hearing these words, though I find, more often than not, when there's a question, I don't like the answer.
"Be careful what you wear down there in Georgia. There's an awful lot of uneducated black people there."
Those, without a doubt were racist words. Again, I won't call anyone out. However, both statements surprised me.
I suppose from all appearances, I'm an odd person to be talking about race or even prejudice. Skinny little white girl, raised by a lawyer and two nurses, seems unlikely I'd know. The tattoos, well, that just feeds into the 'white' stereo type, I think. I see the look in people's faces. I see the black mothers give me questioning or flat-out irritated looks when I smile at their child, as I would nearly any child.
I wonder, sometimes, if the fact that a 'white girl' is so entangled in this sort of thing emotionally is almost counter-productive, or perceived as disrespectful or ignorant by some people. No doubt there are plenty who have experienced more prejudice than I have. I don't intend to negate anyone's experiences or feelings, but there is so much about such things- on both sides, truthfully- that I simply do not understand.
So many of us feed into these stereotypes. So many of us don't take the small steps to change the perceptions that we could.
I wonder if I am making a difference, or if I'm just blowing hot air.

"I gave birth to one child, a son, but I have thousands of daughters. You are Black and White, Jewish and Muslim, Asian, Spanish-speaking, Native American and Aleut. You are fat and thin and pretty and plain; gay and straight, educated and unlettered, and I am speaking to you all. Here is my offering to you." -Maya Angelou

The Strength Of Saturn

I am slowly learning what it feels like to be part of something that has taken time to build.
I am slowly realizing that, no matter how much work it takes, knowing that someone will be there when you're done doing what you must, well, is kinda worth it.
I had a wonderful weekend, and am beyond grateful for the chance to truly relax, and be away from everyone and everything that had been bugging me. Just to be in my own little world for a couple days was incredibly relaxing. The Busan Aquarium was hit-or-miss at best, but not having to rush or take care of anyone but myself was awesome.
I have a PT test first thing this morning, so it's going to be dinner, some writing, and maybe a movie, but definitely early to bed tonight.
Plenty of stretching and water.

...Saturn, for those of you who are wondering, is the Roman God of time, if I recall correctly. Either way, that was the aim of the title.

Sunshine And The Storm

I'm not looking forward to some of the things I'm going to have to handle soon.
I have to have another procedure done at 121, an outpatient procedure, which means they get all the pain and torture out of the way in less than a 2 hour block of time, and I get to go home and suffer on my own afterward.
This is my second time, but, this time, the girl I'd considered my sister won't be here to stand next to me while I face it. You're damn right I'm scared.
I had a rough day today, and the news of that just really brought me to my knees.
I'm doing okay, believe it or not. More than a few people have said I sound very down lately. I've had a lot on my plate, and I've been very tired, but I really am doing alright.
Work is going well, I love most of the people I work with, and the others just learn, eventually, to leave me alone. Everything will be alright, and I know that.

Determination

I'm hard headed.
Does this surprise anyone?
I've been stubborn as they come since conception, and this probably will not change any time soon.
I'm giving him the chance he's asking for, the chance he's doing everything in his powers to earn. I'm proud of him, honestly. He is showing, more than anyone ever has, that he realizes what I'm worth. The part I didn't see coming was how hard it would be to let it go, and how difficult it would be to accept someone I'd convinced myself could never be the right one. Am I still seeing that there's a definite risk involved? Absolutely. Is he doing everything in his powers to minimize that risk? Without a doubt. No relationship comes without risk. Some come with more than others. I've never struggled this much to overcome fear in a relationship. I've never worked this hard to keep someone, or to let them keep me.
He reminds me to pray, reminds me that he cares about me and doesn't want anyone else, and his goals and plans are compatible with what I want in life. There's plenty of obstacles, but I've got to try. I've never pushed this hard, and no one's ever pushed back the way he has. I said 'Leave me alone' he said 'Not until you tell me you don't want me anymore.'
I may be difficult, but I'm not blind.
"Love is pushed, but never pushed away." -Chaplain Brown
It will be a while before I put this relationship in the spotlight. There's no need to add stress to a new relationship. Just know that I am taken, and I am happy.

Darkness and Right

I'm torn beyond belief.
I can stick it out with someone my gut tells me is going to hurt me, after not sticking it out this far ever before and risk everything or, well, not.
Some days I think I can do anything.
Today, well, it's going to take some convincing.
My heart is hurting, I am painfully tired, and just feeling weak in general.
I have a PT test this coming Monday.
I've got a lot of work to do.
I'm not sure how well I'll do on the PT test, and I need to be double-timing the correspondence courses and studying for the board. I really need a good PT score for promotion points, but, hell, my profile doesn't expire til Wednesday. There's a PT test being given Monday, though, and I need to take one. I don't think I'll get too much more ready than I am before the winter gets truly painfully cold.
I have to pull some motivation and bearing out of somewhere, today, and I'm just not sure where I'm going to find it.
Lots of prayers today. Lots of water. Probably more than a little Motrin, too.

Motrin For The Soul

Motrin and water cures everything.
Almost.
I could really use an anti-inflammatory for my soul right now.
Get the anger and pain just calmed down enough that I can see what the real problem is and work on healing that, instead of just battling with the symptoms all the time.
I've come a long way since, well, every other day of my life, I guess.
I've been sober more than 7 months now. I will have been sober 8 come November 21st.
That's a huge accomplishment.
I have been in the Army 2 years now, and will likely be going to the promotion board come January. I will be participating in my first reenlistment in the next week or so, whenever the paperwork comes though. My career has already given me an awful lot of experience that I couldn't have managed in the civilian world.
I have overcome the biggest- or what I hope are the biggest- struggles that I'll have to face with my PTSD. Anyone who says that is only something veterans can have is a liar or a fool. Many of the veterans who I've worked with have supported me whole-heartedly in this statement, and more than a few have seen my expression changed when anxiety was taking over and immediately recognized the expression. The thousand-yard stare is not just a military thing, folks. I'm proud of how much I've done to help myself heal.
There are still battles yet to be won, mostly relating around much more personal things, spiritual and physical things. I have come to a place where I believe it is time to start really fighting this battle, as it will, without a doubt, positively impact the others I have come so far with. No battle is without consequence in other battles- some of these battles cannot be fought or won without the others. The war I face may be settling down, but it is not done. I may never be satisfied with how far I've come, and maybe this war is just a part of life for me, but I have to believe that the worst has past, and that the next phase of my life is one of unadulterated healing and learning, of recooperation, rather than simply slapping tournaquets on arterial bleeds.
I have to keep the faith, and to re-learn what that faith means.
Subida Y Supera- Rise And Overcome

Gypzy, Daughter Of Tumbleweed

Introspection.
I look at my Daddy, and I am proud to see that I am a lot like him.
I have always been a Daddy's girl, and that will never change.
I have been running wild for nearly 10 years now.
In July, I will return to the place where I was brought into this world.
I haven't been there for 12 years, and it will be 13 before I see that place again.
My daddy is there, just as he was when I was a child. He works in the hospital, and lives in some tiny little apartment that could desperately use a woman's touch, just as he always did. (Sorry, Daddy, but you're a bachelor, it's just part of the deal.)
I'm looking forward to it, but, at the same time, there is little that scares me more.
Coming full circle is a terrifying experience.
None the less, I have no doubt in my mind it is exactly where I was intended to end up. Ft Hood has become home, and I will do little but miss my folks there. However, there is something necessary in returning to the place I was born. I've lived in 10 states now, and two countries. It's about time I went back, as an adult, and remembered where I came from. I also want to go to my stepfather's grave, as I feel like an entirely different person than I was when he died, as if this person I am never really got to say goodbye to him at all.
I will never be anything but a gypsy, la gitana, but even the more traditional gypsies needed time to remember where the came from and who they were. It's my time.

Subida Y Supera- Mi Corazon

Every new beginning is some other beginning's end....
Closing Time. I haven't heard that song in quite a while.

Some things changed for me last night. It started with my heart breaking, and, well, the realizations that came with that. There's nothing I go through that I won't learn from. I have lived many lifetimes in this one, and this much I know about myself.
I learned something about trusting people last night too- turns out there are still people out there who can be trusted and taken at their word. Don't get any big ideas, I'm never going to be an inherently trusting person, but having someone there for me last night, having someone THERE FOR ME- not trying to get or gain anything from me, just there to be what I needed them to be in a dark time, that was an overwhelmingly positive experience.
My heart still aches, and I suppose it will for a time. None the less, I will not be held down or back by it. I will pray for the ability to truly forgive, and to release all the anger and pain, until that ability comes. Until then, I will remain strong as I ever was, and will lean on those who are strong enough to help me when I can't.
I'm not the same person I was even 6 months ago, and I see this reflected every day. I'm proud of who I am, and who I'm becoming. I will overcome this, just as I have overcome other trials in my life. I know in my heart of hearts that I gave this my all, in a way I have never done before. I am proud of that, even if it had to come to a rather painful end. I will not let this take away my friend, even if it took away someone I'd hoped would be much more than that.
There are worst things in this world than a broken heart- not many, but there are a few.
Supida Y Supera.

Struggle

Some days, it seems like the pain is just a revisited memory.
On those days, I want to run very far, very quickly from those things that seem to trigger that revisited memory.

Ignorance really is bliss.

Blessed And Proud

I'm going to Fort Bliss. I can't tell you what made me sure that was the right decision. I spent some time thinking about it, almost aimlessly, and that is the conclusion that I came to. It feels right, and I gave my retention NCO the final word on it today. I'll be reenlisting Monday.
I'm reading another one of those books I get dirty or just plan weird looks for reading in public. "Our Voices" By Amanda Johnson. It's cover reads "Issues Facing Black Women In America; Racism, sexuality, marriage, singleness, single parenting, the church, finances, spirituality, health and self-esteem'. Honestly, it irritates me a little bit that it's marketed based on race. Racism can- shockingly enough- be addressed without being marketed to one group or another. It's really strange to me to think that any publication that specifically addresses racism should be marketed specifically to ONE RACE. Isn't that kind of ass backwards? Just saying.
Anyway, dirty looks be damned, it's a good book. I've been looking at a lot of Spirituality-and-Feminism type stuff lately. It's really hard to believe in something these days, and it's even harder to do when no one around you seems to have that. Those around me who have their beliefs generally hold beliefs very different from mine, or different enough to make it obvious. I've been trying really hard to pray more. I've had someone reminding me to pray before I eat, as I've never quite gotten into that habit, and I'd really like to. I pray at night, and some mornings, but not nearly as much as I feel is right. My beliefs are very important to me, and I find myself more and more interested in things having to do with how to make that stronger. I have someone in my life right now who's being way more encouraging of that than I had expected.
When I do finally settle down, it needs to be with someone I can talk about God with, someone I can ask to pray with me, and someone who will do the same. I have repeated a story I heard before about a minister, during a marriage ceremony, using a braid to demonstrate what marriage is made of. There are two blue strands and a white one. The two blue strands are the husband and wife, the white one is God. Without all three, the braid will simply be two strings next to one another. That's not the marriage I want. Regardless of the formality of it, I won't raise children in a home where God isn't openly discussed, or where prayer isn't common. I want my children to understand faith, and life, and hope. I want to be able to ask my husband to pray with me. I want to know that he has faith, like I do. I don't want to be alone in my prayers.
I am learning so much about myself right now, I am so proud of how much I've grown up, how far I've come in this last year... I'm not the same person I used to be, and I'm very, very happy about that. I will never feel satisfied with who I am, I will always want more from myself. Maybe, though, just maybe, I'm getting the hang of patience and faith, and trust.... Maybe things will start getting a little bit easier for me, maybe it won't be so hard to remember faith in the dark moments soon. Maybe I'm finally learning that lesson I've been reaching for for such a long time now.
It's been a while since I've lost control, I'm really hoping this is the turning point. I know I can do this, I know I can over come this.

Confetti

I've decided that the stuff falling through the cracks is confetti and I'm having a party! ~Betsy Cañas Garmon,
This is my quote for the week. I barely slept all weekend, which means my anxiety is all sorts of pissed the hell off at me today, and I'm fighting it every which way. That's fine, though. This, too, shall pass. I'm happy today because my NCO is coming back off leave and I don't think I've ever been happier to have someone inspect my room before it was clean as when he came around. He won't be around long, but it's really nice to know that, at least for this week, that I have someone who will be around, well, to help me catch all this damned confetti. Hell, even if it was just a day, that's a day less stress, and I am grateful for it! I'm already feeling zombie-ish, so I will be struggling today, but it won't last. I'll be alright.