I don't remember the first time I was molested.
I remember the second time, and both the rapes.
Yes, it's that kind of night tonight, but it's not like the others have been.
The therapy has helped me a great deal. I've gotten to the point of recognizing when my actions are in response to anxiety/PTSD, and, more and more often, I see the feelings coming on, before a situation even arises to make me aware of it.
I shut down when I am overwhelmed. I'm told it is a fairly common reaction. I've been lied to before, though. I don't fight back when I am in a situation that scares me. At some point, some part of my brain decided it was better, easier, to shut down and let it happen than to go through the hell of trying to process something bad and still try to fight it.
A civilian approached me, immediately after I got off the bus at the hospital the other day. He was firing so many questions at me so rapidly, I couldn't process it fast enough to do anything but answer them automatically. I was already struggling with the anxiety, and, before I knew it, this guy had found out where I was from, what post I was stationed on, my first name, and was telling me I should come up to Yongsan for the weekend. I can't imagine having had any expression but that of a deer in the headlights on my face. He asked me for my number, which finally threw something into the barely-moving gears. I pulled out my phone to tell him he'd need to give me his, when he went off on some side tangent, only to stop dead in the middle of it and ask for my number again- at which point I was back on autopilot. I gave this complete stranger the correct phone number. Shrink says it's a perfect example of how I react, and how the anxiety takes hold of me. The fight or flight response is just gone.
I was introduced to sex before I could read. I can't remember a time in my life I could see the world without it. At age 5, I remember questioning what my long-divorced parents were doing out of sight, though it's plain as day to me now they were my parents and had plenty to discuss and fight about without my witness. I remember questioning very specific details of imaginary situations I'd made up that no child that age should have ever understood enough to think of. It's never changed. I don't know where the line is with people, I don't see the lines other people do, between what's being friendly and what's flirting, what's acceptable and what's asking for it. None the less, these are things people are unable to understand about me, and I am not very good at explaining. Frankly, I've been called a whore more than enough times for one lifetime, and I really don't intend to open myself up to anyone who's already ready to give up on me to calling me names. I've heard it all before, and I really don't care to put myself in a situation where someone I care about can make me feel worthless again.
I need someone who tells me I'm beautiful I need someone who I can talk to openly, without feeling like I'm going to be punished for my honesty, or feeling like I will hear my own thoughts about something painful reflected. I am truly my own worst critic- I'd be embarrassed for other people to see how hard I am on myself, because it truly is over doing it. I've been hard on myself my whole life, and I'm only just learning how not to do that. I'm also just learning to read people, to see their intentions, and to understand how to handle my own emotions.
I'm a very open person. I'll pretty much talk, honestly, as long as I feel someone is listening. I don't mean judging, arguing or waiting for their turn to speak.
I can't blame anyone else for today. I made the choices I made. I still, however, am pretty fuzzy about how they were viewed as wrong. Sadly, I can't say that I regret them, entirely, though, because I didn't do anything wrong, nor would I have, and here I sit alone in my room, regardless. I'm sad, but still processing all of this.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Heart And Whole
"The way you overcome shyness is to become so wrapped up in something that you forget to be afraid." -Lady Bird Johnson
That was my quote for the week this week.
I think it worked.
What I've started doing (or attempting to, as circumstances allow) is journaling (on here or in my actual journal, depending on what I have to say, and whether or not it is public material) in the morning and the evening. It's helping a lot. That was a PTSD/anxiety-related suggestion from SGM B. As always, the man knows what he's talking about.
I'm also picking a quote each week, something related to something I'm struggling with (google rocks) and placing it on my google calendar, so that every time I update it or refer back to it, the whole week has the quote visible. It's a great reminder, and helps keep my mentality positive.
I'm on a profile, as of Wednesday, for my back. It's basically an at-my-own pace profile, which gives me the freedom to do all the working out I can, without risking injury due to unit PT pushing my limits. I did PT in the gym this morning, and smoked myself royally. I'm sore today, from it, which means tomorrow I'll hurt worse, but I didn't over do my back, while still getting abs, thighs, cardio, and upper body done. I also am doing a lot of extra stretching. I'm really proud of myself. I have a semi-goal of a 300 right after coming off profile. To be honest, it's not realistic, but I'd lose my mind if I got my first 300 that way. I'd be thrilled.
I still want my corporal really badly, but, well, I think the last company really got me out of feeling that was possible/reasonable. I want corporal despite it being known as the 'bitch rank' of the Army, because not everyone gets it. To hold that rank would mean more to me than my e5 ever can, because I know I can make e5. I have, honestly, seen some truly bad leaders wear that rank, some soldiers with no leadership position or experience at all. Corporal is a very big deal to me, though I see more and more how rarely it is given here, which makes it seem more unattainable, but also more valuable, at the same time.
I guess we'll see.
Top says Soldier Of The Month Board December, Promotion Board December, and I better have my Correspondence Courses maxed, of course. That 300 PT Score would REALLY help!!
That was my quote for the week this week.
I think it worked.
What I've started doing (or attempting to, as circumstances allow) is journaling (on here or in my actual journal, depending on what I have to say, and whether or not it is public material) in the morning and the evening. It's helping a lot. That was a PTSD/anxiety-related suggestion from SGM B. As always, the man knows what he's talking about.
I'm also picking a quote each week, something related to something I'm struggling with (google rocks) and placing it on my google calendar, so that every time I update it or refer back to it, the whole week has the quote visible. It's a great reminder, and helps keep my mentality positive.
I'm on a profile, as of Wednesday, for my back. It's basically an at-my-own pace profile, which gives me the freedom to do all the working out I can, without risking injury due to unit PT pushing my limits. I did PT in the gym this morning, and smoked myself royally. I'm sore today, from it, which means tomorrow I'll hurt worse, but I didn't over do my back, while still getting abs, thighs, cardio, and upper body done. I also am doing a lot of extra stretching. I'm really proud of myself. I have a semi-goal of a 300 right after coming off profile. To be honest, it's not realistic, but I'd lose my mind if I got my first 300 that way. I'd be thrilled.
I still want my corporal really badly, but, well, I think the last company really got me out of feeling that was possible/reasonable. I want corporal despite it being known as the 'bitch rank' of the Army, because not everyone gets it. To hold that rank would mean more to me than my e5 ever can, because I know I can make e5. I have, honestly, seen some truly bad leaders wear that rank, some soldiers with no leadership position or experience at all. Corporal is a very big deal to me, though I see more and more how rarely it is given here, which makes it seem more unattainable, but also more valuable, at the same time.
I guess we'll see.
Top says Soldier Of The Month Board December, Promotion Board December, and I better have my Correspondence Courses maxed, of course. That 300 PT Score would REALLY help!!
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
The Government And Gabbing
Okay, this is just ridiculous.
People are throwing a fit over the President playing basketball with only males?
Seriously?
Most of the women who've made it to the White House probably don't care that much about basketball or golf, guys. Get over it.
In any military work place, most of the women still don't have an interest in sports, and we're in the most physical line of work there is.
People, leave my Commander In Chief alone.
I'm tired of hearing petty gripes.
People are throwing a fit over the President playing basketball with only males?
Seriously?
Most of the women who've made it to the White House probably don't care that much about basketball or golf, guys. Get over it.
In any military work place, most of the women still don't have an interest in sports, and we're in the most physical line of work there is.
People, leave my Commander In Chief alone.
I'm tired of hearing petty gripes.
Hey, Ladies! Our Revolution
Really interesting article over at Time Magazine today about the changes in society. It's incredible to see how far women have come in only a couple decades.
Nearly half of all medical and law degrees now go to women- in 1970 it was at 10%.
In 1972, 7% of high school athletes were female, which has increased to 42%.
It wasn't any surprise when a woman was being paid less than a man, because she would only be working for pocket money- her husband was the primary bread winner, and nobody thought twice about this.
By the end of the year, it's expected that there will be more women in the workforce than men. This, my friends, is a first.
It's interesting to see all of this from the perspective of a woman in the military. While still a predominantly male culture, the impact we've made on the service is plainly visible to anyone and everyone. Every soldier knows who their Equal Opportunity Representitive is in their unit, and some words simply aren't used. A promotion isn't likely to go to a male first, and rarely does one hear that a leader is sexist. The punishment for this is swift and severe, and unquestioned. It isn't done.
I'm very proud of these statistics.
While some insurance companies still consider cesarean sections, domestic abuse and rape pre-existing conditions, and are therefore issues for a new policy, we have a hell of a hold on the industry as a whole. Ladies, we officially run this ish.
Now, here's my question: When we've come this far, why are we still so damn mean to each other? Why do we not take better care of ourselves and others?
In a startling estimate, mental health issues will be the second leading cause of death and disability by 2020. Yet we refuse to acknowledge we need to take better care of ourselves.
Thanks to Siren's Magazine for the heads up.
Nearly half of all medical and law degrees now go to women- in 1970 it was at 10%.
In 1972, 7% of high school athletes were female, which has increased to 42%.
It wasn't any surprise when a woman was being paid less than a man, because she would only be working for pocket money- her husband was the primary bread winner, and nobody thought twice about this.
By the end of the year, it's expected that there will be more women in the workforce than men. This, my friends, is a first.
It's interesting to see all of this from the perspective of a woman in the military. While still a predominantly male culture, the impact we've made on the service is plainly visible to anyone and everyone. Every soldier knows who their Equal Opportunity Representitive is in their unit, and some words simply aren't used. A promotion isn't likely to go to a male first, and rarely does one hear that a leader is sexist. The punishment for this is swift and severe, and unquestioned. It isn't done.
I'm very proud of these statistics.
While some insurance companies still consider cesarean sections, domestic abuse and rape pre-existing conditions, and are therefore issues for a new policy, we have a hell of a hold on the industry as a whole. Ladies, we officially run this ish.
Now, here's my question: When we've come this far, why are we still so damn mean to each other? Why do we not take better care of ourselves and others?
In a startling estimate, mental health issues will be the second leading cause of death and disability by 2020. Yet we refuse to acknowledge we need to take better care of ourselves.
Thanks to Siren's Magazine for the heads up.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Mi Hija, Mi Corazon
She would have turned 8 years old April 4th.
How can I miss someone I never laid eyes on so damn much?
She was the product of a rape when I was 14 years old.
She was an unexpected after shock of losing my virginity the hard way.
She was my daughter.
Nothing has ever hurt worse than losing Astaria Rhiannon.
I see so many girls- most of them so young, nineteen or twenty, maybe, seeing their status updates. They got pregnant with their boyfriend's kid, some of them happily, others not, some get married, some don't.
It seems like every day someone else has come up pregnant.
Not that I hate them for it, it's just so hard to see.
I miscarried Astaria after a few months, I still remember waking up to it, and the nightmares that haunted me before I woke up to reality.
I was young, maybe my body couldn't handle it, or maybe it was the medication. I don't know, and never will.
I know that Mother's Day and April 4th, and many other, unexpected days, my heart hurts for something I can't quite define. I didn't want children until I felt her growing inside of me. I still didn't want to get married, even after acknowledging how much I wanted a child.
I miss that little girl, the one I've dreamt about so many times, the one I swear I've seen grow up in my dreams.
I tell myself she's up there with her great grand parents and her Grandpa Bob.
I tell myself she's happy.
I can't convince myself that it doesn't hurt, though.
It's been nine years since I woke up to the blood and pain. At least the blood stopped.
How can I miss someone I never laid eyes on so damn much?
She was the product of a rape when I was 14 years old.
She was an unexpected after shock of losing my virginity the hard way.
She was my daughter.
Nothing has ever hurt worse than losing Astaria Rhiannon.
I see so many girls- most of them so young, nineteen or twenty, maybe, seeing their status updates. They got pregnant with their boyfriend's kid, some of them happily, others not, some get married, some don't.
It seems like every day someone else has come up pregnant.
Not that I hate them for it, it's just so hard to see.
I miscarried Astaria after a few months, I still remember waking up to it, and the nightmares that haunted me before I woke up to reality.
I was young, maybe my body couldn't handle it, or maybe it was the medication. I don't know, and never will.
I know that Mother's Day and April 4th, and many other, unexpected days, my heart hurts for something I can't quite define. I didn't want children until I felt her growing inside of me. I still didn't want to get married, even after acknowledging how much I wanted a child.
I miss that little girl, the one I've dreamt about so many times, the one I swear I've seen grow up in my dreams.
I tell myself she's up there with her great grand parents and her Grandpa Bob.
I tell myself she's happy.
I can't convince myself that it doesn't hurt, though.
It's been nine years since I woke up to the blood and pain. At least the blood stopped.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Someday- What This Woman Wants
I want to hear I'm beautiful.
I want to understand.
I want my love to be accepted, not punished.
I want patience, and someone to care for me enough to explain where they're at with me.
I want someone who trusts me, and to feel deserving of that trust.
I question myself often, too often, probably.
I have little doubt in my mind that if I am unfit for love right now, it it because I haven't yet learned to take myself as I am, or be something kinder than my own worst critic.
When someone I care about is upset at me, it's the most painful thing in the world.
I know what I want.
I'm trying to find that place between ideal and and settling, the one called realistic, and I'm just not sure I'll get there.
I hurt.
I want to understand.
I want my love to be accepted, not punished.
I want patience, and someone to care for me enough to explain where they're at with me.
I want someone who trusts me, and to feel deserving of that trust.
I question myself often, too often, probably.
I have little doubt in my mind that if I am unfit for love right now, it it because I haven't yet learned to take myself as I am, or be something kinder than my own worst critic.
When someone I care about is upset at me, it's the most painful thing in the world.
I know what I want.
I'm trying to find that place between ideal and and settling, the one called realistic, and I'm just not sure I'll get there.
I hurt.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Gypzy Blue Print
They Gypzy Oath:
I will never forget where I came from.
I will never forget those who never forgot me.
I will never leave my brother unaided.
I will never forget, though I may choose to forgive.
I will take every opportunity to heal, grow, learn and excel.
I will not accept the bare minimum from- or for- myself.
I will not mistake other's opinions of me for my own.
My lover will be my friend first.
My children will be brought up understanding faith, what it is, what it can be, and why it is essential to the human soul.
My life will be constantly emerged in art of every form: music, photography, paintings and other forms of creative visual expression, and literature.
I will never stop learning.
I will remain loyal to those who who trust me.
I will not let anyone- least of all, myself- hold me back from achieving and accomplishing anything and everything I am able and willing to.
I will, eventually, have the life I want.
Until then, I will have the patience it requires to get there.
Or, at least, do my damndest to fake it.
I will never forget where I came from.
I will never forget those who never forgot me.
I will never leave my brother unaided.
I will never forget, though I may choose to forgive.
I will take every opportunity to heal, grow, learn and excel.
I will not accept the bare minimum from- or for- myself.
I will not mistake other's opinions of me for my own.
My lover will be my friend first.
My children will be brought up understanding faith, what it is, what it can be, and why it is essential to the human soul.
My life will be constantly emerged in art of every form: music, photography, paintings and other forms of creative visual expression, and literature.
I will never stop learning.
I will remain loyal to those who who trust me.
I will not let anyone- least of all, myself- hold me back from achieving and accomplishing anything and everything I am able and willing to.
I will, eventually, have the life I want.
Until then, I will have the patience it requires to get there.
Or, at least, do my damndest to fake it.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Barbie Vs Gypzy
Barbie: child's size 3, 39FF, 39-21-33,
Gypzy: Women's size 10, 34C, 34-30-40
I'm not barbie. I'm 68 inches, which doesn't sound like much, but I'm taller than most of the women I know. I'm a size 11, and still have to force myself not to go into shock when I see 'Size 0' written on a tag. Size 9 is the smallest I've ever been as an adult, and I looked sick. It's not news to anyone that Barbie is unrealistic. Fact of the matter is, I'm finally getting to the point where I'm really okay with who I am, and how I look. I don't have "abs" or a washboard stomach, I could be in better shape. I grew up around Hispanic girls and women who were so petite, it was hard to tell many of them were pregnant, because they were incapable of gaining significant amounts of weight. Those who did "look pregnant" usually didn't look that way until month 8 or 9, when they suddenly looked like they'd topple over if they stood for long.
I have wide hips, long, thick legs, and am not built like Britney Spears. I don't care.
Barbie can kiss my ass. She has no place to put a decent tattoo.
Gypzy: Women's size 10, 34C, 34-30-40
I'm not barbie. I'm 68 inches, which doesn't sound like much, but I'm taller than most of the women I know. I'm a size 11, and still have to force myself not to go into shock when I see 'Size 0' written on a tag. Size 9 is the smallest I've ever been as an adult, and I looked sick. It's not news to anyone that Barbie is unrealistic. Fact of the matter is, I'm finally getting to the point where I'm really okay with who I am, and how I look. I don't have "abs" or a washboard stomach, I could be in better shape. I grew up around Hispanic girls and women who were so petite, it was hard to tell many of them were pregnant, because they were incapable of gaining significant amounts of weight. Those who did "look pregnant" usually didn't look that way until month 8 or 9, when they suddenly looked like they'd topple over if they stood for long.
I have wide hips, long, thick legs, and am not built like Britney Spears. I don't care.
Barbie can kiss my ass. She has no place to put a decent tattoo.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Plan Of Action
Not feeling so hot the last couple days. My back's acting up a bit, again, and I think I caught a stomach bug. I just want to get my PT test over with, so I can get my back checked out and go back on profile, if that's what the doctor thinks is best. Right now, I really don't think there's much point in going on profile, as I'm taking all the precautions I can, and taking meds as needed. I don't want to be restricted, but I know this thing hasn't healed, either. Oh well.
I'm a little worn out, but keeping my head up. Things are going alright, and I'm working on getting things figured out so that, when stress flares back up, I'm better able to manage it than I have been in the past.
I'll be getting my net and phone installed tomorrow, so I'll have a stateside number and steady net, instead of, er, borrowing net.....
I'm a little worn out, but keeping my head up. Things are going alright, and I'm working on getting things figured out so that, when stress flares back up, I'm better able to manage it than I have been in the past.
I'll be getting my net and phone installed tomorrow, so I'll have a stateside number and steady net, instead of, er, borrowing net.....
Monday, October 19, 2009
Fresh
It's nice to have a fresh start sometimes. Granted, four consecutive fresh starts tends to be a bit much, but, none the less, it's not a bad thing to have the opportunity to make the most of these. There's so many things that I can see have changed about me, within me. It's nice to be able to see that. It's both fortunate and unfortunate that I know I will never be satisfied with where I'm at. It's fortunate that I know it, unfortunate that it will always be such a struggle for me. It's not a bad thing in the big picture that I always have a bigger goal in mind, but in the moment, well, it can be frustrating to have such a hard time being really present. I can't help but wonder if that struggle is what keeps me unsatisfied in relationships, or if it's simply that I haven't gotten to that one person yet.
I've set a couple goals for myself. After I leave here, of course, I'm going to Ft Hood. There's very little doubt in my mind I'll be deploying in short order. After I return from my deployment, I'll probably be closing in on being eligible for the e6 board. I'll drop my Drill Packet when I get back. I'll be 25 or maybe 26 by this point, and Drill Duty is a three year commitment. Now, there's always the 'Life is what happens when you're making other plans' side to this, but I'm happy that I have a plan I believe I'll enjoy, something more focused on my career, and less focused on boys and children. If someone comes along in the midst of all of this, well, I'll just have to adjust fire to the change in circumstances. I'm not going to keep looking for something, though. Love is a beautiful thing, but it also take a lot of energy, and, right now, I'm not in a place where I'm wanting to settle down too much. I'm happy being my heathen self, and moving forward, growing. I have plenty of time to get married and raise children. Frankly, if that never happens, I'll be okay with it, so long as I haven't wasted all my time looking for it. I'd rather just live life and experience the world, have my adventures, and put my faith in God to lead me to what it is I'm meant to do, see and be.
I'm young, I'm still learning, but I AM learning.
My new favorite quote:
"You have to be willing to be happy about nothing." -Andy Warhol
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Little Bit
Jason introduced me to an outstanding and very unique artist, Lykke Li. I've known of her less than half an hour and am completely obsessed. Her song Little Bit hit home right now. Anyway, Facebook is acting screwy and I'm taking that and my back tightening up as a sign that it's time for bed.
I've gotten my head just a little bit clearer tonight, and I'm hoping for good things to come in the morning.
Buenos Noches, Familia!
I've gotten my head just a little bit clearer tonight, and I'm hoping for good things to come in the morning.
Buenos Noches, Familia!
Mami Gitana
When I look around, and see the people willing to claim me as family, I remember what I'm worth. I've found people, real people, people true to themselves and their people, who have taken me in as their own. I still remember the words I was told, the things I was told I'd never be capable of. I remember being told I'd never have a normal life- I'd never be able to have a real relationship, never be able to be a wife or mother, never be able to hold a job, and so many other things. I have surpassed many peoples expectations of me, some many times over.
I was three years old, and I was taken to a child psychologist, to have testing done. I've heard the same story told enough times that I have to assume what I was told was true. "She's a brilliant child. If she has a stable life, you will have a young Einstein on your hands. If there is too much turmoil, you may consider locking her up and throwing away the key."
I don't claim to be the sanest person out there. It doesn't take much observation to see several of the classic signs of a post-trauma personality. I jump easily, I get angry when startled, sometimes more than I seem to have control of, I have nightmares, and struggle with bouts of insomnia.
There is so much saying I shouldn't have made it. There are so many stories I can tell that make people look at me, their jaw slightly slack, and their eyes searching my face for a hint as to what they should say. They always say the same thing, they say they're sorry for what I've been through. Maybe it should bother me that I've had so much turmoil in my life, maybe it should make me question my creator, as it has done to others. I can't bring myself to be that person, though. God has seen me through this much, He has never let me fall to the point I couldn't come back, despite several close calls. The harder I fall, the higher I bounce back up. I remember the words, the promises, the predictions. I remember feeling abandoned, I remember feeling used and wounded, betrayed. It's not likely that I will forget these things.
It's when I remember those who have walked away from me in the past that I am able to feel overwhelming gratitude for my brothers, for my dad, for my sisters, for the people who refuse to give up on me, and, above and beyond that, claim me as not just a friend- but as their family. The people who answer their phone in the middle of the night when I'm unstrung over something I will soon be over, but can't understand in that moment. The people who tell me not to trust anyone who judges me, because, truly, friends do not judge, do not desire to see pain in the eyes of someone they hold dear. I am grateful to those who have learned to accept me as I am- and I hold out a great deal of hope, if, perhaps, it might be in vain, for those who are still learning.
I have learned a great deal in a short period of time. I know much, much more about myself than I thought there was to learn in the couple years, and every month that goes by, I seem to learn still more.
I have learned that the folks I relate to aren't the ones everyone assumes I relate to. I've learned that more people than I would expect are accepting of that. I have learned not to accept anyone's judgment, and to fight back with all I have when I know it is wrong. I have learned my anxiety will get the better of me far too often, and that is an issue I will probably continue to struggle with. I have learned that I am strong beyond my wildest dreams, and that, when I am at my weakest, I will never find myself alone.
Mucho amor a la familia de la gitana.
I was three years old, and I was taken to a child psychologist, to have testing done. I've heard the same story told enough times that I have to assume what I was told was true. "She's a brilliant child. If she has a stable life, you will have a young Einstein on your hands. If there is too much turmoil, you may consider locking her up and throwing away the key."
I don't claim to be the sanest person out there. It doesn't take much observation to see several of the classic signs of a post-trauma personality. I jump easily, I get angry when startled, sometimes more than I seem to have control of, I have nightmares, and struggle with bouts of insomnia.
There is so much saying I shouldn't have made it. There are so many stories I can tell that make people look at me, their jaw slightly slack, and their eyes searching my face for a hint as to what they should say. They always say the same thing, they say they're sorry for what I've been through. Maybe it should bother me that I've had so much turmoil in my life, maybe it should make me question my creator, as it has done to others. I can't bring myself to be that person, though. God has seen me through this much, He has never let me fall to the point I couldn't come back, despite several close calls. The harder I fall, the higher I bounce back up. I remember the words, the promises, the predictions. I remember feeling abandoned, I remember feeling used and wounded, betrayed. It's not likely that I will forget these things.
It's when I remember those who have walked away from me in the past that I am able to feel overwhelming gratitude for my brothers, for my dad, for my sisters, for the people who refuse to give up on me, and, above and beyond that, claim me as not just a friend- but as their family. The people who answer their phone in the middle of the night when I'm unstrung over something I will soon be over, but can't understand in that moment. The people who tell me not to trust anyone who judges me, because, truly, friends do not judge, do not desire to see pain in the eyes of someone they hold dear. I am grateful to those who have learned to accept me as I am- and I hold out a great deal of hope, if, perhaps, it might be in vain, for those who are still learning.
I have learned a great deal in a short period of time. I know much, much more about myself than I thought there was to learn in the couple years, and every month that goes by, I seem to learn still more.
I have learned that the folks I relate to aren't the ones everyone assumes I relate to. I've learned that more people than I would expect are accepting of that. I have learned not to accept anyone's judgment, and to fight back with all I have when I know it is wrong. I have learned my anxiety will get the better of me far too often, and that is an issue I will probably continue to struggle with. I have learned that I am strong beyond my wildest dreams, and that, when I am at my weakest, I will never find myself alone.
Mucho amor a la familia de la gitana.
"When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself." -Wayne Dyer
An intelligent man will be discreet, will not put himself above others, will show respect for others, and will do well economically; he will be esteemed because he has merited the consideration of others by being intelligent, respectful, and with a big family which also merits consideration. These are the essential values. -Jean-Pierre Liegeois "Roma, Gypsies, Travellers"
"For those who are, by choice or force of circumstance, sedentary for long periods of the year, taking to the road, even briefly in the summer, brings back an awareness of family unity in contrast to an environment that changes with the miles, to experience first-hand what the old people talk about, to reinforce group solidarity, and so on." -Jean-Pierre Liegeois "Roma, Gypsies, Travellers"
I'm going through some of my old writings today, which likely means there will be a number of posts, as well.
I'm proud of how far I've come, but it's painfully obvious today that I have a long way to go before I can obtain the happiness I'm looking for. Some of my faults are obvious, others, not so much. Many of my worse habits have long been disguised, some, perhaps, I don't even see enough to disguise them.
I am content where I am. However, it is when I am content that I have become complacent. It is time to let my roots ground me while I reach for the sun. I am grateful for those around me, and I am not going to desert them, or use them, but I will let them help me grow.
As always, more to follow.
~Me encanta familia de la gitana~
An intelligent man will be discreet, will not put himself above others, will show respect for others, and will do well economically; he will be esteemed because he has merited the consideration of others by being intelligent, respectful, and with a big family which also merits consideration. These are the essential values. -Jean-Pierre Liegeois "Roma, Gypsies, Travellers"
"For those who are, by choice or force of circumstance, sedentary for long periods of the year, taking to the road, even briefly in the summer, brings back an awareness of family unity in contrast to an environment that changes with the miles, to experience first-hand what the old people talk about, to reinforce group solidarity, and so on." -Jean-Pierre Liegeois "Roma, Gypsies, Travellers"
I'm going through some of my old writings today, which likely means there will be a number of posts, as well.
I'm proud of how far I've come, but it's painfully obvious today that I have a long way to go before I can obtain the happiness I'm looking for. Some of my faults are obvious, others, not so much. Many of my worse habits have long been disguised, some, perhaps, I don't even see enough to disguise them.
I am content where I am. However, it is when I am content that I have become complacent. It is time to let my roots ground me while I reach for the sun. I am grateful for those around me, and I am not going to desert them, or use them, but I will let them help me grow.
As always, more to follow.
~Me encanta familia de la gitana~
Saturday, October 17, 2009
The Sunshine After The Rain: Back To Me
It feels so good to feel like me.
It sounds crazy, I'm sure.
I don't care.
I've been dealing with so much, had so much on my shoulders, so much of it unnecessary, I'm just so relieved just to be me, just to be back to who I am, without those worries. I know I'm in a better place now. Maybe it won't be an easier job, maybe it will present obstacles I could never have seen coming, but I'm okay, and I will be okay, because I remember who I am.
I remember who I want to be.
The girl who always does something to feel like a lady, rather than just another number, another body, another uniform.
The girl who keeps her head up even when things get hard, and remembers who loves her when she needs them- and when she doesn't.
The girl who remembers what she wanted before, but couldn't get- and continues to reach for it.
The girl who doesn't care that people crack jokes about how she's different, because they're true, and there's no issue, so long as she remains true to herself.
The girl who remembers to pray.
I'm trying to be a better person. There's a few people who've been there for me in amazing ways these last few weeks, when things were the hardest. Some of them I could name, but won't, others, well, others are better left unmentioned. Regardless of whether or not I thank you personally, please understand that I love my friends, my family, my mentors, dearly, and know that I haven't forgotten anyone, and understand that I'm just trying to remember who I am. Thank you all for loving me unconditionally, it's an amazing feeling to truly have people to belong with. It's something I'm just learning to allow myself to believe in, to trust in, and I thank those of you who have been there all through the process, and continue standing by me, even though I'm not always an easy person to support and care about.
Thank you. I love you guys!
It sounds crazy, I'm sure.
I don't care.
I've been dealing with so much, had so much on my shoulders, so much of it unnecessary, I'm just so relieved just to be me, just to be back to who I am, without those worries. I know I'm in a better place now. Maybe it won't be an easier job, maybe it will present obstacles I could never have seen coming, but I'm okay, and I will be okay, because I remember who I am.
I remember who I want to be.
The girl who always does something to feel like a lady, rather than just another number, another body, another uniform.
The girl who keeps her head up even when things get hard, and remembers who loves her when she needs them- and when she doesn't.
The girl who remembers what she wanted before, but couldn't get- and continues to reach for it.
The girl who doesn't care that people crack jokes about how she's different, because they're true, and there's no issue, so long as she remains true to herself.
The girl who remembers to pray.
I'm trying to be a better person. There's a few people who've been there for me in amazing ways these last few weeks, when things were the hardest. Some of them I could name, but won't, others, well, others are better left unmentioned. Regardless of whether or not I thank you personally, please understand that I love my friends, my family, my mentors, dearly, and know that I haven't forgotten anyone, and understand that I'm just trying to remember who I am. Thank you all for loving me unconditionally, it's an amazing feeling to truly have people to belong with. It's something I'm just learning to allow myself to believe in, to trust in, and I thank those of you who have been there all through the process, and continue standing by me, even though I'm not always an easy person to support and care about.
Thank you. I love you guys!
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Storm
This was one of the hardest days I've had in quite some time. I won't go into details, because plenty of people already know, from my meltdowns, what's going on.
All I'll say at this point is that, for the immediate future, things are back on level ground.
I've got a lot to sort out for myself, and a lot of healing to do. I'm sorely disappointed that some of the people I not only expected to be supportive but trusted to be were not.
I feel like I'm starting over from day 1 of the healing process after these last few days, and, in some ways, I really am, I guess.
It was never more obvious than it was today that I've got a whole lot of hurt left in my heart. Until I was brought right back to the brink of being in danger again by people who are supposed to look out for me, I genuinely did not realize how much.
It feels like this crap has started affecting every part of my life again, like it did in the early days of the anxiety. I'd be lying if I said I'm looking forward to the next few weeks, because I know it'll be a while before the edges smooth back out again. I know I have folks back home who have my back and have seen me through the darker times, I just hope that the people I've come to trust here are that strong and that willing.
I'll survive this, if only to spite those bastards that continue to try to hold me down.
All I'll say at this point is that, for the immediate future, things are back on level ground.
I've got a lot to sort out for myself, and a lot of healing to do. I'm sorely disappointed that some of the people I not only expected to be supportive but trusted to be were not.
I feel like I'm starting over from day 1 of the healing process after these last few days, and, in some ways, I really am, I guess.
It was never more obvious than it was today that I've got a whole lot of hurt left in my heart. Until I was brought right back to the brink of being in danger again by people who are supposed to look out for me, I genuinely did not realize how much.
It feels like this crap has started affecting every part of my life again, like it did in the early days of the anxiety. I'd be lying if I said I'm looking forward to the next few weeks, because I know it'll be a while before the edges smooth back out again. I know I have folks back home who have my back and have seen me through the darker times, I just hope that the people I've come to trust here are that strong and that willing.
I'll survive this, if only to spite those bastards that continue to try to hold me down.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Bans VS Changes (Abortion)
Over here, we see an article that proves what most women know instinctively: Make what rules you like, the same choice will be made.
Abortion is not a choice any woman takes lightly, I promise you. Even a woman who never wants to have children does not undergo such a process without being incredibly sure that's the best answer. She may regret it after the fact, but there are always well-thought-out reasons why she makes that choice.
The way I look at it is that by keeping abortions legal (though, make no mistake, they are not easy to obtain) we are not telling anyone they WILL have one. We are simply not telling anyone that they WILL NOT. It is the path of least resistance, and the one which allows the most freedom of choice for the patient.
When abortions are banned, they do not stop. They are simply done underground, where the patient's safety is not assured or protected by any means. The same women that are willing to walk through that crowd of protesters outside the abortion clinic to get one are willing to go to a dark alley or basement with a friend who heard about this guy from a friend's friend to get the same abortion- by someone less qualified, and with much less to lose.
Abortions are rarely done for vanity or simple, selfish reasons. These are decisions made out of desperation.
Could I ever have one? No, and I never have. However, at fourteen years old, I carried the child of a man I didn't choose to sleep with. Did I want an abortion? No. I was a child myself, though, and honestly, now, can't imagine how I would have told my would-be 8 year old daughter that her daddy was a rapist. I wanted to have that little girl very much, and I will never forget her.
Had I not miscarried her, this may have been a decision I would have had to face. At fourteen years old, were abortions illegal (I never pressed charges), I may have lost my own life to a back alley abortionist, trying to do what I believed would be the right, responsible thing for that child.
I have no doubt this will raise eyebrows and arguments.
I really hope it raises some awareness, too, though.
Abortion is not a choice any woman takes lightly, I promise you. Even a woman who never wants to have children does not undergo such a process without being incredibly sure that's the best answer. She may regret it after the fact, but there are always well-thought-out reasons why she makes that choice.
The way I look at it is that by keeping abortions legal (though, make no mistake, they are not easy to obtain) we are not telling anyone they WILL have one. We are simply not telling anyone that they WILL NOT. It is the path of least resistance, and the one which allows the most freedom of choice for the patient.
When abortions are banned, they do not stop. They are simply done underground, where the patient's safety is not assured or protected by any means. The same women that are willing to walk through that crowd of protesters outside the abortion clinic to get one are willing to go to a dark alley or basement with a friend who heard about this guy from a friend's friend to get the same abortion- by someone less qualified, and with much less to lose.
Abortions are rarely done for vanity or simple, selfish reasons. These are decisions made out of desperation.
Could I ever have one? No, and I never have. However, at fourteen years old, I carried the child of a man I didn't choose to sleep with. Did I want an abortion? No. I was a child myself, though, and honestly, now, can't imagine how I would have told my would-be 8 year old daughter that her daddy was a rapist. I wanted to have that little girl very much, and I will never forget her.
Had I not miscarried her, this may have been a decision I would have had to face. At fourteen years old, were abortions illegal (I never pressed charges), I may have lost my own life to a back alley abortionist, trying to do what I believed would be the right, responsible thing for that child.
I have no doubt this will raise eyebrows and arguments.
I really hope it raises some awareness, too, though.
Anxiety In Moderation
I've been waiting for the other boot to drop, but it hasn't happened.
I feel like I've been holding my breath for a week now in anticipation of today, and nothing has happened yet that will allow me to breathe.
I have gotten a number of things done in this clinic that have needed to be done for a while now. We've been so swamped that little but important things got put on the back burner.
Today, the ball has been retrieved and I am exhausted, though it is only 1430.
I am taking a brief break to collect my thoughts and attempt to make sense of everything going on in my head right now. I am pretty sluggish, though I don't feel as though I should be tired today.
Tonight, I will finish the last small details of cleaning the room, short of the floor which needs to be completely scrubbed and will take a day out of a weekend to do, and get to bed early. This all is, of course, after PT and dinner.
I am proud of how far I have come and how much I handle. Today, I've surprised myself by busting my butt when I wanted to be lazy the most. I had two soldiers go to parade rest for me today, and, though I naturally told them to relax, it felt better than I expected to have someone give me that respect. I am a SPC- the most in-between of all the ranks, and probably one of the more thankless.
I am proud of all I have accomplished, even if the people who are supposed to notice don't. My patients do, and it is for them that I continue to be a medic, and keep my drive to be the best medic I can be.
For once, things feel like they are in order: my finances are stabilizing, my uniforms are squared away and inspection-ready, my room is in enough order that I'm not overwhelmed by the thought of a room inspection by anyone who happens to feel the need to do one, and the points where my personal life and professional life intersect seem to be getting squared away. It is a good feeling to have things a bit more settled, and maybe even a tad predictable. I didn't know what I'd been missing all these years!
So, back to work with me.
I feel like I've been holding my breath for a week now in anticipation of today, and nothing has happened yet that will allow me to breathe.
I have gotten a number of things done in this clinic that have needed to be done for a while now. We've been so swamped that little but important things got put on the back burner.
Today, the ball has been retrieved and I am exhausted, though it is only 1430.
I am taking a brief break to collect my thoughts and attempt to make sense of everything going on in my head right now. I am pretty sluggish, though I don't feel as though I should be tired today.
Tonight, I will finish the last small details of cleaning the room, short of the floor which needs to be completely scrubbed and will take a day out of a weekend to do, and get to bed early. This all is, of course, after PT and dinner.
I am proud of how far I have come and how much I handle. Today, I've surprised myself by busting my butt when I wanted to be lazy the most. I had two soldiers go to parade rest for me today, and, though I naturally told them to relax, it felt better than I expected to have someone give me that respect. I am a SPC- the most in-between of all the ranks, and probably one of the more thankless.
I am proud of all I have accomplished, even if the people who are supposed to notice don't. My patients do, and it is for them that I continue to be a medic, and keep my drive to be the best medic I can be.
For once, things feel like they are in order: my finances are stabilizing, my uniforms are squared away and inspection-ready, my room is in enough order that I'm not overwhelmed by the thought of a room inspection by anyone who happens to feel the need to do one, and the points where my personal life and professional life intersect seem to be getting squared away. It is a good feeling to have things a bit more settled, and maybe even a tad predictable. I didn't know what I'd been missing all these years!
So, back to work with me.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Gypzy Rulez
Why would I get married for the second time before age 25?
There's rule number one.
No rushing- age 25 before there's any more of this getting hitched stuff.
I'm tired of being in a rush.
I have all the time in the world.
Hell with the rest.
Why would I let a man- or boy, in some cases- distract me from my own career?
There's rule number two.
My career comes first.
I'm not going to end up low on the totem pole when I could have made it to the top already because of a guy.
This is just a start, but it's where I stand. Now, it's just a matter of remembering it all.
There's rule number one.
No rushing- age 25 before there's any more of this getting hitched stuff.
I'm tired of being in a rush.
I have all the time in the world.
Hell with the rest.
Why would I let a man- or boy, in some cases- distract me from my own career?
There's rule number two.
My career comes first.
I'm not going to end up low on the totem pole when I could have made it to the top already because of a guy.
This is just a start, but it's where I stand. Now, it's just a matter of remembering it all.
The Darkest Dawn
Twitchy tells me this is a new phase in my life, and I need to learn to deal with all the parts of it.
I really hate it when I already know he's right.
I love Twitchy to death, if I didn't, I probably would have ended up throwing a lot of misdirected anger his way last night. I was in a mood.
I'm better today.
I realize that this phase of my life- the one where I feel like I'm in a really jacked up, alternate-reality version of my teenage years- may not last long at all.
Honestly, I'm kinda hoping it doesn't last long.
I've never had my choice of guys, I was never that girl.
Being an e4 here is another piece to this in-between sort of feeling.
I'm not an NCO, but I'm definitely working at the level of one, which is what's expected of me at this point.
Everything's in this ridiculous transition phase that encompasses my entire reality, and it's a little overwhelming at times.
I'm staying single for a while. A month's not much, but it's where I'm starting for the time being.
I'm not ready for a relationship. I've been engaged for- how the hell has it only been three months? Anyway, enough of this crap.
I'm going to stay single for a while.
Who ever's going to stick it out, will stick it out.
Screw the rest.
I really hate it when I already know he's right.
I love Twitchy to death, if I didn't, I probably would have ended up throwing a lot of misdirected anger his way last night. I was in a mood.
I'm better today.
I realize that this phase of my life- the one where I feel like I'm in a really jacked up, alternate-reality version of my teenage years- may not last long at all.
Honestly, I'm kinda hoping it doesn't last long.
I've never had my choice of guys, I was never that girl.
Being an e4 here is another piece to this in-between sort of feeling.
I'm not an NCO, but I'm definitely working at the level of one, which is what's expected of me at this point.
Everything's in this ridiculous transition phase that encompasses my entire reality, and it's a little overwhelming at times.
I'm staying single for a while. A month's not much, but it's where I'm starting for the time being.
I'm not ready for a relationship. I've been engaged for- how the hell has it only been three months? Anyway, enough of this crap.
I'm going to stay single for a while.
Who ever's going to stick it out, will stick it out.
Screw the rest.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Introspection
Yes, there were a lot of reasons I chose to end it with Ryan.
There are also plenty of reasons I'm doubting myself right now.
I keep reminding myself it wasn't a snap judgment, and that I thought it over and talked it over, and that it made sense, it was the correct thing logically.
My heart hurts no less for this conclusion.
He's one of my oldest friends, and I hurt him.
I won't forgive myself for that, and I know this.
It's just a fact of life that I've always been my own worst critic.
I feel lost right now, as to what I want and need in my life.
It may have been the right choice, but it still forced me into a position where, more than ever, I need to take a step back and look at what I'm doing and why.
At the same time, learning to live in the moment is something I desperately need to learn how to do. DESPERATELY.
I had two drinks Saturday night. This was the first time I've drank in 6 months. I didn't get drunk, honestly, I barely caught a buzz. However, I noticed the effect on my mood, anyway. I'm more confident and much happier sober. I'm proud that I was able to have two drinks amongst family without getting out of control. It's not something I want to do again, though. I've been feeling like I was going to slip up and drink for a while now. I did it around family, though, as I said, when I was with my big brother, and I knew, without a doubt, I had nothing to worry about. It was a learning experience, I guess.
None the less, I'm grateful to have the friends & family I do. I know my back is always covered, and I have not forgotten what my friends are worth. Thank you guys.
There are also plenty of reasons I'm doubting myself right now.
I keep reminding myself it wasn't a snap judgment, and that I thought it over and talked it over, and that it made sense, it was the correct thing logically.
My heart hurts no less for this conclusion.
He's one of my oldest friends, and I hurt him.
I won't forgive myself for that, and I know this.
It's just a fact of life that I've always been my own worst critic.
I feel lost right now, as to what I want and need in my life.
It may have been the right choice, but it still forced me into a position where, more than ever, I need to take a step back and look at what I'm doing and why.
At the same time, learning to live in the moment is something I desperately need to learn how to do. DESPERATELY.
I had two drinks Saturday night. This was the first time I've drank in 6 months. I didn't get drunk, honestly, I barely caught a buzz. However, I noticed the effect on my mood, anyway. I'm more confident and much happier sober. I'm proud that I was able to have two drinks amongst family without getting out of control. It's not something I want to do again, though. I've been feeling like I was going to slip up and drink for a while now. I did it around family, though, as I said, when I was with my big brother, and I knew, without a doubt, I had nothing to worry about. It was a learning experience, I guess.
None the less, I'm grateful to have the friends & family I do. I know my back is always covered, and I have not forgotten what my friends are worth. Thank you guys.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Hateful
I stumbled across something that upsets me a lot. This article, and the attached video, explains/shows House Minority Leader John Boehner calling an act to add Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgendered people 'offensive'.
I know there are still people in this world who are homophobic. However, there are still people in this world who are racist, others who still believe women are less than men, and the list goes on forever.
I wake up each morning and put on that uniform to defend the country I love because we don't allow people to be hurt over things like race, religion and sexual preference. There are still places where gay men and women are beaten to death after being immobilized for no reason other than their sexual preference. It's time for us to wake up. I am proud of the United States of America, and will give my life to defend it. However, I think the idea that someone else should unwillingly give their life for their sexual preference is wrong and always will be.
I know there are still people in this world who are homophobic. However, there are still people in this world who are racist, others who still believe women are less than men, and the list goes on forever.
I wake up each morning and put on that uniform to defend the country I love because we don't allow people to be hurt over things like race, religion and sexual preference. There are still places where gay men and women are beaten to death after being immobilized for no reason other than their sexual preference. It's time for us to wake up. I am proud of the United States of America, and will give my life to defend it. However, I think the idea that someone else should unwillingly give their life for their sexual preference is wrong and always will be.
Friday, October 09, 2009
And The Ref Calls A Foul!
So, the wedding is put off until further notice. It was my call, so that, hopefully, we're in a better financial state before we make that leap. I refuse to get married because the army has me in a situation that seems to dictate that it's the right decision, when other things clearly contraindicate this. I refuse to start a new life in a hole. It's easy enough to dig when there wasn't a hole there to begin with.
No, Ryan isn't thrilled about the idea of waiting.
I won't go into it further than that.
Things here in Korea are going alright, I think they're starting to look up. I've finally got the idea as far as who really has my back and who doesn't. I'm done watching out for someone who's going to judge me. I won't put my stamp on someone like that. I've been in worse situations than I'm in now, and, truthfully, probably will be again. If someone's going to judge me over something that was a mistake, when things are this calm, I do not need them in my life. It's the people like my big brother that are going to be there for my come hell or high water, and I refuse to accept less than what I deserve. I don't judge others, I'll be damned if I let them do it to me. I've stood by too many people for too damn long to let one of these self-righteous, shallow, ignorant and egotistical mother ******* hurt me with their words. Keep talking your shit, I'll call your ass out on it. I can admit to making a mistake and not be ashamed. Your disrespect was a choice, and don't think for one second I feel like I owe you even so much as to keep your name out of it. Test me. I dare you.
Things are changing fast right now. My motivation is up, though so is my frustration at the moment, but I won't fail. If I do, I know who will be there to help me get back up. I have the greatest friend/family in the world. Things are going to get better starting now.
No, Ryan isn't thrilled about the idea of waiting.
I won't go into it further than that.
Things here in Korea are going alright, I think they're starting to look up. I've finally got the idea as far as who really has my back and who doesn't. I'm done watching out for someone who's going to judge me. I won't put my stamp on someone like that. I've been in worse situations than I'm in now, and, truthfully, probably will be again. If someone's going to judge me over something that was a mistake, when things are this calm, I do not need them in my life. It's the people like my big brother that are going to be there for my come hell or high water, and I refuse to accept less than what I deserve. I don't judge others, I'll be damned if I let them do it to me. I've stood by too many people for too damn long to let one of these self-righteous, shallow, ignorant and egotistical mother ******* hurt me with their words. Keep talking your shit, I'll call your ass out on it. I can admit to making a mistake and not be ashamed. Your disrespect was a choice, and don't think for one second I feel like I owe you even so much as to keep your name out of it. Test me. I dare you.
Things are changing fast right now. My motivation is up, though so is my frustration at the moment, but I won't fail. If I do, I know who will be there to help me get back up. I have the greatest friend/family in the world. Things are going to get better starting now.
Thursday, October 08, 2009
The Inner Altercation
I'm struggling with things right now that I didn't expect to struggle with this way.
There's no such thing as perfect, this I know, but there's some things we all should be selfish with- some of us more than others.
I'm on my knees, praying for strength, because following the guidance that came when I asked for it is what's right, but not what's easy.
I'm going to keep my head up, but it may be the hardest thing I do for a while. This won't be easy.
I'm leaving for an appointment at 121 shortly. It will give me a much needed break from my clinic.
There's no such thing as perfect, this I know, but there's some things we all should be selfish with- some of us more than others.
I'm on my knees, praying for strength, because following the guidance that came when I asked for it is what's right, but not what's easy.
I'm going to keep my head up, but it may be the hardest thing I do for a while. This won't be easy.
I'm leaving for an appointment at 121 shortly. It will give me a much needed break from my clinic.
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
Big Things Poppin
Things are looking up!
I've got some good times coming up on this four day weekend, which I'm definitely looking forward to.
It's looking less and less likely that I'll be moved to that alcoholism-inducing deadland called Cp Humphries. There's too many reasons to count that I don't need to be there.
I'm still being irritated by certain people who haven't quite learned their jobs, but others are doing far better than I'd expected, so I'm happy enough.
My 2nd home's commander is back from leave, so I'll be starting up my real PT tomorrow afternoon again!!! I'm excited! (Scary, huh?)
Life is pretty good, honestly, though I'm staying plenty busy. My off time is as full as my work time, lately. I'll be alright, though.
I had a rough patch there, but, I'm baaaaaack!
I've got some good times coming up on this four day weekend, which I'm definitely looking forward to.
It's looking less and less likely that I'll be moved to that alcoholism-inducing deadland called Cp Humphries. There's too many reasons to count that I don't need to be there.
I'm still being irritated by certain people who haven't quite learned their jobs, but others are doing far better than I'd expected, so I'm happy enough.
My 2nd home's commander is back from leave, so I'll be starting up my real PT tomorrow afternoon again!!! I'm excited! (Scary, huh?)
Life is pretty good, honestly, though I'm staying plenty busy. My off time is as full as my work time, lately. I'll be alright, though.
I had a rough patch there, but, I'm baaaaaack!
Monday, October 05, 2009
Struggle And Domination
It's Monday.
Why do Mondays always feel like Mondays?
Fridays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Saturdays, Thursdays and Sundays don't always feel like what they are. Why do Mondays have to be so stubborn?
I'm struggling with my current situation and the promise (threat) of impending change. I'm really tired today, I tossed and turned much of the night, having memories of things I'd rather not, and worrying about things I'd rather not become memories.
My leave form for January is still not signed, and it's already October. I'm not looking forward to paying for this ticket, because prices go up by the day. I turned the form in back in August for the first time.
Today is ten days until I am supposed to be moving. I am not comfortable with this, for a large variety of reasons that need not be addressed here. I can only hope I can settle this in time.
I'm struggling with my mood today, trying to keep my head up, but it is not easy.
I'm grateful to the friends who have been there for me. I see more and more just how lucky I really am.
I'm trying to use the "I'm an a-hole" method of self-control. :-)
Why do Mondays always feel like Mondays?
Fridays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Saturdays, Thursdays and Sundays don't always feel like what they are. Why do Mondays have to be so stubborn?
I'm struggling with my current situation and the promise (threat) of impending change. I'm really tired today, I tossed and turned much of the night, having memories of things I'd rather not, and worrying about things I'd rather not become memories.
My leave form for January is still not signed, and it's already October. I'm not looking forward to paying for this ticket, because prices go up by the day. I turned the form in back in August for the first time.
Today is ten days until I am supposed to be moving. I am not comfortable with this, for a large variety of reasons that need not be addressed here. I can only hope I can settle this in time.
I'm struggling with my mood today, trying to keep my head up, but it is not easy.
I'm grateful to the friends who have been there for me. I see more and more just how lucky I really am.
I'm trying to use the "I'm an a-hole" method of self-control. :-)
Sunday, October 04, 2009
The Awakening
I'm lying in bed at 0730 in the morning, awake too early and looking over pictures of last night. It was definitely wild- I'll tell you now, medical party like nobody else- but among all the pictures of NCO's and soldiers I've come to know, and some I really look up to, the most monumental event of my night last night doesn't have any pictures to go along with it.
Right now, I'm already seeing that my now-legendary explanation of something without giving too many details is going to be harder than I'd expected. Bear with me.
Last night, after the Chusok (Korean Thanksgiving/4th of July type celebration) Potluck, Iman, Megan and I went over to a good old throw-down Powerhouse BBQ. It was unofficially Powerhouse, but we're a family if any unit is. Spades, dominoes, a few rounds of drinks, 4 sodas and a bottle of water for me, and a whole lot of madness ensued. It was a really good time.
The Heathens were, naturally, representing. I can't help but feel at home when my family is there. Those guys have always been people I looked up to, and last night may have just sealed that one for me. I could b!tch, moan and whine about past leadership I've had and use that as an excuse for the reason I turn to these guys, and some of the whining may be justified, but, the thing is, these guys have just had my back. That's really where it started. I know no matter how crazy things get, my big brother has my back. I've knocked on doors at three and four in the morning, and had these people there for me. Last night, a lot of life lessons- and Army Life lessons- were floating around in my head after these last few, very rough, weeks. All these things were disconnected and just unable to process. So, I end up sitting there, talking to Top for a minute. For all of you who don't know, he is someone to be respected and that's clear from the jump. You won't meet another senior NCO who's going to be so straight up with you and still take the reins without flinching. He is the shit, and ya'll just need to accept that and carry on. Anyway, we got to talking about him being a drill sergeant at one point, and, in the process of telling me his story, I had connections dropped in between all of those lessons floating around loose in my head.
It got me to seeing the forest for the trees.
I've been struggling, my friends. I've been struggling with this Army thing for a long time now, much longer than I realized. Everyone knows I love this crap. I can't be sane to enjoy this like I do. However, doing the good ol' 9 to 5 sounds more like a prison sentence than a career choice to me, so I'm going to stick to my Hooah Hooah Day Job. I love this, but loving something doesn't always make it easier, even if it makes it easier to want to accomplish. I'm retention, BOSS, and running a clinic. I'm proud of what I do on paper, but the day-to-day of it was playing with my head a bit. I was burning out, and didn't understand why. I'm never going to be the easiest soldier to lead, because I'm hard-headed, and I want to know why things are run the way they are because I want to be able to run them. I am a leadership challenge, but I refuse to let one person say I am a bad soldier. I have more heart than some small countries, and I refuse to give up on my dreams. I have some truly outstanding mentors. I am going to take advantage of that every way I can to make myself better for my soldiers. I've got a good start, but I've been letting too much peripheral nonsense cloud my vision, and talking to Top just got me back on track, made me see where I'm standing now, and made me realize what I've got and what to do with it. You won't hold me back, oh no, cuz I was born to run this.
Right now, I'm already seeing that my now-legendary explanation of something without giving too many details is going to be harder than I'd expected. Bear with me.
Last night, after the Chusok (Korean Thanksgiving/4th of July type celebration) Potluck, Iman, Megan and I went over to a good old throw-down Powerhouse BBQ. It was unofficially Powerhouse, but we're a family if any unit is. Spades, dominoes, a few rounds of drinks, 4 sodas and a bottle of water for me, and a whole lot of madness ensued. It was a really good time.
The Heathens were, naturally, representing. I can't help but feel at home when my family is there. Those guys have always been people I looked up to, and last night may have just sealed that one for me. I could b!tch, moan and whine about past leadership I've had and use that as an excuse for the reason I turn to these guys, and some of the whining may be justified, but, the thing is, these guys have just had my back. That's really where it started. I know no matter how crazy things get, my big brother has my back. I've knocked on doors at three and four in the morning, and had these people there for me. Last night, a lot of life lessons- and Army Life lessons- were floating around in my head after these last few, very rough, weeks. All these things were disconnected and just unable to process. So, I end up sitting there, talking to Top for a minute. For all of you who don't know, he is someone to be respected and that's clear from the jump. You won't meet another senior NCO who's going to be so straight up with you and still take the reins without flinching. He is the shit, and ya'll just need to accept that and carry on. Anyway, we got to talking about him being a drill sergeant at one point, and, in the process of telling me his story, I had connections dropped in between all of those lessons floating around loose in my head.
It got me to seeing the forest for the trees.
I've been struggling, my friends. I've been struggling with this Army thing for a long time now, much longer than I realized. Everyone knows I love this crap. I can't be sane to enjoy this like I do. However, doing the good ol' 9 to 5 sounds more like a prison sentence than a career choice to me, so I'm going to stick to my Hooah Hooah Day Job. I love this, but loving something doesn't always make it easier, even if it makes it easier to want to accomplish. I'm retention, BOSS, and running a clinic. I'm proud of what I do on paper, but the day-to-day of it was playing with my head a bit. I was burning out, and didn't understand why. I'm never going to be the easiest soldier to lead, because I'm hard-headed, and I want to know why things are run the way they are because I want to be able to run them. I am a leadership challenge, but I refuse to let one person say I am a bad soldier. I have more heart than some small countries, and I refuse to give up on my dreams. I have some truly outstanding mentors. I am going to take advantage of that every way I can to make myself better for my soldiers. I've got a good start, but I've been letting too much peripheral nonsense cloud my vision, and talking to Top just got me back on track, made me see where I'm standing now, and made me realize what I've got and what to do with it. You won't hold me back, oh no, cuz I was born to run this.
Saturday, October 03, 2009
Lil Mama Don't Need Your Drama
"I don't care what nobody say
I'm a be me (be me)
Stay hood, stay raised in the streets
(Cause I'm out here grindin')
Niggas talk about greatness whenever they speak about me (Cause I'm out here grindin')
I ain't splitting nothing with nobody homie
I gotta get me me
(Cause I'm out here grindin')"
-DJ Khaled Ft Akon- Out Here Grindin
Last night was definitely a good re-do for Friday night. I had an absolute blast last night. I'm so glad I went out! Naturally, most of the Powerhouse folks were out, at least the ones who club. A couple of my Reapers were there, and I must say, if I really do end up moving up North on October 15th as I'm told I will, I will miss my second home (154!) very much. I was told I was a heathen yesterday, and, coming from a Reaper, that's a compliment!
HHD was representing, as always. My roomie was out for her farewell, and this place will certainly be different without her around. Big Country's out like shout pretty soon here, too. Many of the people I've known are leaving, and that's just part of the life, especially here in South Korea.
I was at the club from 8pm until a few of us rolled out at 0130 this morning. I was dancing almost the entire time, naturally. I had to ignore a couple haters, but people only gonna hate on what they can't have or what they can't be. THEIR BAD! While two people were giving me dirty looks, seven or eight were watching me just to watch me. To my haters, keep watching, you might learn something!
The way I see it, anyone who's got to put me down should be checking themself, because I'm not starting anything, so why do you need to start trouble? Do what you do, I'm still going to do me!
I have fun being me, doesn't matter what anyone has to say about that.
Maybe that's why Ku thinks I'm a heathen.
We have a couple brand new NCO's in our ranks, Polk and Z, and I'm proud of both of them. It's nice to see people promoted that you know are more than capable and willing to be good NCO's. Congrats!
My ankles and knees are sore this morning, but I'm doing alright. My back's still feeling good, and I'm grateful for that. I've been hitting the gym frequently (by comparison) and I'm really enjoying working out on a regular basis.
I'm a be me (be me)
Stay hood, stay raised in the streets
(Cause I'm out here grindin')
Niggas talk about greatness whenever they speak about me (Cause I'm out here grindin')
I ain't splitting nothing with nobody homie
I gotta get me me
(Cause I'm out here grindin')"
-DJ Khaled Ft Akon- Out Here Grindin
Last night was definitely a good re-do for Friday night. I had an absolute blast last night. I'm so glad I went out! Naturally, most of the Powerhouse folks were out, at least the ones who club. A couple of my Reapers were there, and I must say, if I really do end up moving up North on October 15th as I'm told I will, I will miss my second home (154!) very much. I was told I was a heathen yesterday, and, coming from a Reaper, that's a compliment!
HHD was representing, as always. My roomie was out for her farewell, and this place will certainly be different without her around. Big Country's out like shout pretty soon here, too. Many of the people I've known are leaving, and that's just part of the life, especially here in South Korea.
I was at the club from 8pm until a few of us rolled out at 0130 this morning. I was dancing almost the entire time, naturally. I had to ignore a couple haters, but people only gonna hate on what they can't have or what they can't be. THEIR BAD! While two people were giving me dirty looks, seven or eight were watching me just to watch me. To my haters, keep watching, you might learn something!
The way I see it, anyone who's got to put me down should be checking themself, because I'm not starting anything, so why do you need to start trouble? Do what you do, I'm still going to do me!
I have fun being me, doesn't matter what anyone has to say about that.
Maybe that's why Ku thinks I'm a heathen.
We have a couple brand new NCO's in our ranks, Polk and Z, and I'm proud of both of them. It's nice to see people promoted that you know are more than capable and willing to be good NCO's. Congrats!
My ankles and knees are sore this morning, but I'm doing alright. My back's still feeling good, and I'm grateful for that. I've been hitting the gym frequently (by comparison) and I'm really enjoying working out on a regular basis.
Friday, October 02, 2009
Shocking Realizations- A Much-Needed Dose of Perspective
As I'm sitting there, in the salon, watching women of all sizes, shapes, ages and ethnicities come and go, something huge occurs to me: I'm going to get old.
I know, I know, it's one of those obvious things that generally occurs to everyone about the first time they hear a 'when I was your age' story from their parents, but, as it has been noted, I am special.
I just didn't realize I was quite this special.
A friend of mine commented the other day that several of his friends have made comments about pictures from the Beach Blast of me in a bikini, apparently something along the lines of how much I must work out or something. Let me explain that around that time frame, I was not a close aquaintance of the gym.
I wasn't even an associate.
We didn't get along.
Our relationship has become more and more intimate the more trouble I've had with various body parts crapping out on me, and the more I've struggled with my depression.
However, at some point today, specifically today and I'm not sure why, it really sunk in: eventually, I will be one of those women who's spent 40+ years in the same body, and, here's the kicker, it's what I do with that body now that's going to dictate if I'm one of those women that everyone looks at in the gym, or if I'm one of those women everyone looks at in the grocery store. If you've ever heard anyone make snide remarks about someone's weight, you already know what I'm talking about.
"She looks like she already had enough of that cheescake," they'll say as they peer into her shopping cart like it's their business.
I don't know what it was that made it sink in today. If I had to guess, it was a combination of the ego boost of catching a decent looking thirty-something officer checking me out in the gym the other day, the great feeling now that I've gotten a couple of my dental defects fixed that's making me want to actually SMILE in pictures, and the fact that I'm starting to actually realize that I could be taking better care of this body of mine, regardless of what others think.
The other piece to this is, holy crap, Ryan has already thought about this sort of thing (he's 36, don't tell me he hasn't thought about what getting older means) and he wants to be next to me when it happens. That's a lot of trust! I mean, really, think about that. This guy is marrying me, and by doing that it's not just a 'hey, I love you, so I'm going to marry you' line of thought. It's so much bigger than that. This guy is not only trusting me not to completely screw him over legally and emotionally, but he's trusting me to take care of myself well enough that I'll be there and be something he'll want to keep looking at, well, forever.
It makes everything else look so small!
....I know, it's about time, right?
I know, I know, it's one of those obvious things that generally occurs to everyone about the first time they hear a 'when I was your age' story from their parents, but, as it has been noted, I am special.
I just didn't realize I was quite this special.
A friend of mine commented the other day that several of his friends have made comments about pictures from the Beach Blast of me in a bikini, apparently something along the lines of how much I must work out or something. Let me explain that around that time frame, I was not a close aquaintance of the gym.
I wasn't even an associate.
We didn't get along.
Our relationship has become more and more intimate the more trouble I've had with various body parts crapping out on me, and the more I've struggled with my depression.
However, at some point today, specifically today and I'm not sure why, it really sunk in: eventually, I will be one of those women who's spent 40+ years in the same body, and, here's the kicker, it's what I do with that body now that's going to dictate if I'm one of those women that everyone looks at in the gym, or if I'm one of those women everyone looks at in the grocery store. If you've ever heard anyone make snide remarks about someone's weight, you already know what I'm talking about.
"She looks like she already had enough of that cheescake," they'll say as they peer into her shopping cart like it's their business.
I don't know what it was that made it sink in today. If I had to guess, it was a combination of the ego boost of catching a decent looking thirty-something officer checking me out in the gym the other day, the great feeling now that I've gotten a couple of my dental defects fixed that's making me want to actually SMILE in pictures, and the fact that I'm starting to actually realize that I could be taking better care of this body of mine, regardless of what others think.
The other piece to this is, holy crap, Ryan has already thought about this sort of thing (he's 36, don't tell me he hasn't thought about what getting older means) and he wants to be next to me when it happens. That's a lot of trust! I mean, really, think about that. This guy is marrying me, and by doing that it's not just a 'hey, I love you, so I'm going to marry you' line of thought. It's so much bigger than that. This guy is not only trusting me not to completely screw him over legally and emotionally, but he's trusting me to take care of myself well enough that I'll be there and be something he'll want to keep looking at, well, forever.
It makes everything else look so small!
....I know, it's about time, right?
Recovery And The Aftermath
Last night was painful.
I needed my friends, and the ones I reached out to slapped me in the face for thinking they would be there. Friendship is a two-way street, and this is where the line between friends and associates comes in. You're going to need something from me, but from now on, we're not friends, so it's going to have to be a favor trade. You brought it on yourself. Don't call me when you're hurting and I'm the only one who would understand, because I might just be too busy for you, too.
Or you might find out that I'm a grown woman with a good heart and I'd be there for you anyway.
That's who I am, and I refuse to let your selfish attitude change the good in me to bitter.
After all of that, there was a guy in the club who wouldn't take no for an answer. I am grateful to Cano, a signal soldier who looks more like a lightning rod (6 ft 6 or so and maybe 120 lbs soaking wet, no lie) for stepping in when I couldn't handle it on my own. I don't know Cano that well, but we have talked once or twice, and I'm grateful that he was there. Not everyone would have stepped in, but it says a lot about who you are when you do.
I will be alright, no one's going to hurt me.
The walls are up, right now, though, and may be for a while. I don't know what this will mean for people around me, but I suppose I'm going to find out.
I needed my friends, and the ones I reached out to slapped me in the face for thinking they would be there. Friendship is a two-way street, and this is where the line between friends and associates comes in. You're going to need something from me, but from now on, we're not friends, so it's going to have to be a favor trade. You brought it on yourself. Don't call me when you're hurting and I'm the only one who would understand, because I might just be too busy for you, too.
Or you might find out that I'm a grown woman with a good heart and I'd be there for you anyway.
That's who I am, and I refuse to let your selfish attitude change the good in me to bitter.
After all of that, there was a guy in the club who wouldn't take no for an answer. I am grateful to Cano, a signal soldier who looks more like a lightning rod (6 ft 6 or so and maybe 120 lbs soaking wet, no lie) for stepping in when I couldn't handle it on my own. I don't know Cano that well, but we have talked once or twice, and I'm grateful that he was there. Not everyone would have stepped in, but it says a lot about who you are when you do.
I will be alright, no one's going to hurt me.
The walls are up, right now, though, and may be for a while. I don't know what this will mean for people around me, but I suppose I'm going to find out.
Thursday, October 01, 2009
The No-Work Extended Weekend
It's a three day weekend, and I burnt out badly enough today to say I refuse to discuss work in any way, shape or form for the next 3 days. Until I put that uniform back on, don't ask.
I'm going out with two of the signal guys for dinner, and will definitely hit the clubs to relieve some stress tonight.
I'm looking to stay busy this weekend, and keep my mind occupied and free of worry.
Things are coming along well with the wedding plans, I'm so excited!!!
I'm going out with two of the signal guys for dinner, and will definitely hit the clubs to relieve some stress tonight.
I'm looking to stay busy this weekend, and keep my mind occupied and free of worry.
Things are coming along well with the wedding plans, I'm so excited!!!
Brand New Day
It's Thursday, and this week's Friday, as we have a glorious 3-day weekend.
I'm in the clinic this morning, still working through all the chaos that ensued while I was in the field last week. I'm wondering if this clinic will ever be the same again, honestly. I'm told I'll be moving soon, but have yet to be given a date, and, honestly, I'm worried about this clinic once I leave it. This clinic has become mine, and I don't want to see it fall. Truth is, I'm not too excited about the thought of moving, either, but it's even less wanted when I think about the fact that all the work I've done in the 5 months since I came to this clinic could easily crumble once I leave. It's a heartbreaking thought. I've resigned myself to being happy no matter where I end up, as I have been moved frequently since I've been here in Korea, but, naturally, some places and situations are simply easier to be happy in. It tends to be that it's only once I settle into a place that I am at risk for being moved.
I am doing what I'm able to maintain my health and sanity. I work out more than I used to, and pay more attention to what I eat, and I'm finally learning to handle my emotions. It's no secret that I've always worn my heart on my sleeve, and that is something I've had to work on stifling a bit in the Army. I'm always going to be a very honest, open person- some qualities just refuse to fade into oblivion- but some things just aren't recieved well, especially amongst the military crowd.
I'm going to attempt to budget myself a little better than I have been this paycheck. I don't know what's about to happen with my life or living situation, but I refuse to be caught unprepared.
I'm in the clinic this morning, still working through all the chaos that ensued while I was in the field last week. I'm wondering if this clinic will ever be the same again, honestly. I'm told I'll be moving soon, but have yet to be given a date, and, honestly, I'm worried about this clinic once I leave it. This clinic has become mine, and I don't want to see it fall. Truth is, I'm not too excited about the thought of moving, either, but it's even less wanted when I think about the fact that all the work I've done in the 5 months since I came to this clinic could easily crumble once I leave. It's a heartbreaking thought. I've resigned myself to being happy no matter where I end up, as I have been moved frequently since I've been here in Korea, but, naturally, some places and situations are simply easier to be happy in. It tends to be that it's only once I settle into a place that I am at risk for being moved.
I am doing what I'm able to maintain my health and sanity. I work out more than I used to, and pay more attention to what I eat, and I'm finally learning to handle my emotions. It's no secret that I've always worn my heart on my sleeve, and that is something I've had to work on stifling a bit in the Army. I'm always going to be a very honest, open person- some qualities just refuse to fade into oblivion- but some things just aren't recieved well, especially amongst the military crowd.
I'm going to attempt to budget myself a little better than I have been this paycheck. I don't know what's about to happen with my life or living situation, but I refuse to be caught unprepared.
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