Tough Girl (Go Away)

So, I was reading this article over at Yes Means Yes, and it caused a huge Eureka! moment for me. This article talks about girls self-depreciating and doing the ritualistic “I shouldn’t order the nachos…” bit at meals (it worries me that I’m so aware of this habit and never really thought about it) and why the confident, outgoing girl who refuses to participate in this is seen as a traitor of sorts. It makes sense, thinking about it- all women feel like their in competition with one another, which is something even the best of us have struggled with in some way- and those who refuse to put themselves in the competition are seen as thinking they are above the others, like there IS no competition for them.

The Eureka! part comes in about the time the article gets into women not apologizing for things not their fault- and EUREKA!- I refuse to do that BS! Wait a minute… That’s why I have a hard time with other females sometimes….! And then it really starts to sink in… All the effort I make to be a “sister” and not a competitor, and how so many females have forcefully rejected that offer. I try harder to be there for the females in my life (the accepting ones, anyway) than the males, simply because, well, the males aren’t competing with me. I don’t want to compete, unless we’re playing sports or something.

All of this gets wrapped up into things my Daddy and my brothers have told me about me being wild, strong, confident, all these words that I thought they were crazy for even thinking… I see it. I’m not sure it’ll stick, but the Eureka! of this article, well, I really hope it continues to resonate with me, and remind me when things get hard why I stand out. I don’t think I’m special because I don’t care what people think of me when I yell back at my brothers. I don’t think I’m special when I don’t back down no matter how many times I’m pushed, or when I push back harder than my brothers are willing to. Hell, I KNOW I’m going to get my butt kicked, they’re both bigger than me and have several years and plenty of fighting experience on me. It’s crazy to me that these are the things that make me different. These are just the things that, well, I don’t know how else to do them. I don’t back down- are you crazy? People that back down are the people that get walked on. THAT’S what makes me strong? Seriously?  Here I was trying to act more lady like, and now I see that, well, I wasn’t doing that badly for myself in the first place.

So, tough girl is here to stay….

I Can Do Good All By Myself

I had seen the first third or so of Tyler Perry's I Can Do Bad All By Myself ( http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1385912/ ) before, but I borrowed it from my big brother tonight to finish watching... More than a couple things hit home, which probably doesn't surprise you at all if you've ever seen this movie and know much at all about me.
At some point, I was texting a friend about plans we had made, and whether or not he'd be able to keep the plans, and I typed "I can handle anything so long as it's only my feelings I have to worry about." As I hit the send button, there was a SKIRK moment... You know, the tires screeching on the pavement because you've just realized that you almost drove right past the very point in the road you'd been looking for.
"I can handle anything so long as it's only my feelings I have to worry about."
Wait a second, where'd that come from? I'm not selfish, and I don't know too many people that I can imagine calling me that.
Yet, I knew this statement was absolutely true.
It's time to let it go. It's time to stop giving myself those excuses, and stop dismissing my own actions. I've been so busy for so many years feeling guilty about every choice I made, then swinging in the exact opposite direction because I was so tired of feeling guilty for everything... Literally, if I walk past a peice of trash on the street and don't pick it up, I feel guilty. No lie. Happens almost daily, though much of the time I'll stop, or even turn around, and pick it up.
It's time to stop being angry at myself and accept, hey, yeah, I made a bad choice. No 'but it was because I was emotional' or 'but it was because of the PTSD' etc... I've come too far to be blaming it on things that I don't let control my life anymore. I was given excuses as a child, I wasn't held responsible for my actions. Truth be told, it's a miracle I'm alive today with even one of the number of things I used to do. It's a miracle it didn't get a lot more serious. I'm not perfect, I never will be, because that's not who God made me to be. I can't help anyone if I haven't been through the darkness myself. Believe me, I've seen the darkness.
So, here I am. I've learned what happens when you trust someone when you've put both of you in a situation where temptation is present. I don't do that anymore. I stood outside in the hall for probably 20 minutes earlier, to spend a little while with someone I genuinely like. I've seen him for a little while every night since last Friday, and I have no intention of placing myself, or him, in a situation where temptation is going to get the better of us, because I'm not ready to give in to the temptation, and I'm only human, so I have to accept the fact that I just might not be strong enough to fight it.
Maybe this is who I'm supposed to be with for the rest of my life, maybe that's why he came into my life at this time.
Maybe he's just another person who was sent to my life to teach me something I needed to learn.
Either way, I understand far better, now, what choices I must make to be happy with the person looking back at me in the mirror.
It's been a long time since I let someone I loved hit me, but I did, at one point and time.
It's been a long time since I let someone tell me I wasn't worth their love, but I did, at one point and time.
I've done badly, in the name of "love".
Maybe some people can accept the fact that they can do bad all by themselves, but I'll tell you right now, that's not good enough for me.
I can do good all by myself.
START AGAIN.

Memphis Dreams

I’ve been doing a lot of introspection and growing lately. I’m not really sure how to explain where this latest burst of realization came from, but I know it was a true awakening.

I am not scared to be alone anymore. I am not going to accept that I must either completely excuse my behavior, or feel painfully guilty about it. There is an in-between.

I watched “I Can Do Bad All By Myself” tonight. It made me wake up to many of my own behaviors- like only being willing to be responsible for my own feelings. I’ll never be able to truly love in that frame of mind. I’m ready to move on.

I am seeing someone I truly care about right now, and have made a point of not putting us in a situation where temptation would be a factor. I spent 20 or so minutes in the hall with him, talking and such, just to be able to see him, but we haven’t spent any time in my room, or in his, because I am not ready to give in to the temptation, and I have accepted the fact that I am human, and I may not be strong enough to fight the temptation should it present itself.

Memphis… just keeps popping into my head. I spent one brief weekend there with my ex-husband, to see a concert- I can’t remember if we even spent the night there, to be honest- but I know I’ve wanted to go back so badly ever since.

I’ve started planning. I’m not sure when- maybe it’ll be in 17.5 years when I retire from the Army, or maybe it’ll be when I go home on leave after Korea- but I’m going to spend some time in Memphis. I’d like to have people with me, but I’m not really sure who I’d take, and I’m not really sure anyone would feel what I do about it. Memphis is a dream come true to me. Everything about it screams home to me, despite the fact I’ve barely spent any time there. It’s the Home of The Blues, and the Birthplace Of Rock & Roll. It’s Southern in the truest sense of the world. It’s Elvis’ home. It’s Dance Hall City to me. Have you ever seen Black Snake Moan? If you get to the part where they’re at the Dance Hall… It’s beautiful to me. Everyone dancing, everyone reckless and free, just moving, just existing… I like the movie, very much, honestly, but that part… just truly touches my soul, in a way I don’t know how to explain. That scene depicts Memphis, to me, as well. What that scene makes me feel, that overwhelming freedom and joy, is the same thing I feel when I think of Memphis. That, I believe, is where I’m meant to live some day. I don’t know why. I loved Atlanta when I was there, and Austin is a great city that I would truly like to spend more time in… But Memphis… is my dream.

Two Weeks

I'm not going to anyone's room to hang out or watch a movie, because that breeds trouble.
Opportunity is Temptation's alter ego. Don't give it the Opportunity, or Temptation will surely follow.
My faith has just got to come first. God and I both know I've got a long way to perfect, but I'm not going to go doing things that make me avoid looking in that mirror the next day. I'm tired of being that girl that isn't quite sure she regrets what she's done because, hey, she's still doing better than the majority, but, at the same time, she just feels like it was somehow wrong... I'm not going to keep going through that. I refuse to have to explain to one more guy after the fact 'hey, by the way, if you ever talk to me like that again, you're going to have a freak out on your hands'. If they can't walk with me step by step, they can get to steppin' before I waste my time.

The other day, one of my brothers did something that touched my heart in a way that blew me away- while I was sitting there talking with him, he said 'excuse me for a minute', and he got down on his knees and prayed. Just like that. He did it silently, but prayer is such a personal thing. You want me to know I'm really there with you for keeps? Ask me if I'll pray with you. It's like the man that takes a girl to his church on the first date- there's no disputing their priorities in life after that. That's something you just have to respect.

I want the man that's not afraid to touch me and kiss me in public. I don't need him to be all over me, or looking like I have him on a leash, I respect a man's, well, manhood, but if you're going to be out with me, be proud to be the one that came with me. If you can't be proud to be with a woman like me, stay home. Knowing that he's proud enough of me to let the world see that I'm with him, that who I am is cool with him, now that means something.

Your path doesn't have to be my path. If it's real, we can keep walking our own seperate paths while still doing that together. I'm in the Army, this life isn't easy, and I have no plans to leave it. I'll support your dream, just like you support mine. Our dreams are going to keep us strong, and our willingness to support each other's dreams is what will keep us together.

God has to be part of the picture. A relationship is a braid, it consists of three strands- you, me and God. If one is removed, the braid falls apart, and it's nothing more than string. You and I don't have to agree on every detail, but we do have to be able to talk openly about it.

The little things matter. Flowers are special because they're something beautiful that shows you were thinking of me while we were apart. Remembering what type of flower I like shows you were paying attention. It's not the only example, but it's a common one. Opening the door for me just shows that you don't mind doing little things to take care of me.

Trust, I will do all I am able to take care of a man who takes care of me.

If the braid is tight, there is no loosening, there is no drooping or slipping. It is tight, it is strong, it is beautiful, and it is forever. It's a partnership, regardless, though. Equal in all measures.

Show me what it is I've waited for, and I won't be so impatient to get there.

Like Other Girls

So, it's no secret that I have a pretty hard time staying single, or that most of my friends are male.
This week, though, I realized that I could definitely be doing worse.
There is a girl who's neighbor mentioned to me at one point that he was constantly hearing loud music and, er, other noises out of her room. I am friends with two very nice men who she's, well, she doesn't use the word date, as she prefers to stay available. Both of whom have seemed hurt enough in retrospect when they were let down by her in the long run.
I sit back, and watch this girl go through man after man, seeing her with 4 guys in a week at times, and wonder: What is it she's remaining available for???
I'm not one to judge, and I don't assume that every man a girl spends time with is a sexual partner or anything of the sort- in this case, though, I just wonder what it is, exactly, that I'm missing. While I don't like the thought/feeling of being single, this girl is at the opposite extreme, in a way, and seems to almost devour men who care about her. How do you not get attached? What is it you wait for through so much? Am I missing the point completely?

Maybe my heart is just too soft for people, but I just couldn't live this way. It worries and confuses me.

Patience, Love And The Reason For The Struggle

I was over here at One Baha'i's Approach reading about one Baha'i's quest for patience, when something he said struck home in a very deep way:

"When you know what the inevitable outcome must be, you are content to wait for it."

This statement is in reference to a quote from the Kitab-i-Iqan. It stuck me like a ton of bricks: the reason I struggle so much with love and relationships is because I am impatient for what I don't know how to experience. I didn't grow up watching a healthy, loving marriage, so I struggle with being patient for one of my own. That was quite the revelation. I'm not sure how much easier that will make handling the matter, but it is really comforting, and, in a way, empowering, to understand why I have been so troubled by the wait for such an elusive thing as love.

I'm perfect in the sight of God.
As for my own eyes, they don't always like what they see.
Once again, I say- Start Again.

Respect Is Just The Minimum

"Respect Is Just The Minimum"- That Thing, by Lauryn Hill
I love this line, and was reminded of it, as I sat at The Hilltop, eating my bulgogi and rice, listening to X Factor, the local Phillipino cover band play.
I've been doing a lot of meditating, praying and introspection lately, trying to figure out exactly where I stand with the whole relationship idea. I have a lot of people in my life who care about me, and am extremely lucky for that. I have also, finally, been fortunate enough to get in contact with a few people who share my Faith, and that has made it a whole lot easier to focus. I suppose some things are just harder for some people, and the struggle with do-I-or-don't-I-want-a-relationship is one I find myself constantly battling.
Then it hit me: What am I giving them to respect?
Okay, so let me explain this... I have been through hell, and come out the other side. Baptized by fire is, in some ways, an understatement. However, people don't look at your past. They look at who you are in this moment, in this day, and that is how they choose whether they want to be part of your life and whether they want to make you a part of theirs. I am worth the time and effort, and damned if I don't know this, but all they see right now is a medic, a woman. Divorced, twenty four years old, no children, not ugly, heavily tattooed... and to some people, these things alone make me worth it. However, the type of person I want in my life for the long run isn't someone who's drawn by something this simple. I want the best for myself, and expect the best from myself. I want to be a Flight Medic because they are, in my opinion, the best of the best. I love the Infantry mentality because they believe they are all there is- the first, last and only line of defense. In their own way, they are. I am a medic, and we are the only people who do what we do. Some more ignorant folks like to think we're glorified CLS, but medicine is my life, not my skill. It is all I want to do, professionally. Do I have room for improvement? Of course- there's nobody in the medical field who doesn't have room for improvement, that's the beauty of medicine. It's always evolving. It's an art more than a science. I love that.
Until I am that Flight Medic with the 300 PT score, the EFMB badge, my stripes, Sgt Audie Murphy board winner, and combat patch, well, I won't be happy. The thing is, each goal I reach will give the people in my life- or who may come into my life- that much more to respect. It's those tangible, undeniable, solid facts- those things that will be put on my ERB, for simplicity- that will show people I am worth getting to know.
My faith, my dreams, my personal accomplishments, all those things are what people will learn once they have decided to let me into their lives. More, these are things people will learn once I have decided to let them into MY LIFE. So, tomorrow, I will wake up, do PT, not choke anyone over whatever BS or last minute changes come my way, and continue on my way. This weekend, go running, hit the gym, and go over medical and board stuff. Sunday, I will see my Baha'i friends, and be grateful for them and for all that God has given me. And I will continue to be the person I want to be, and work towards the person I am determined to be.
I will go through hard times, but this, my friends and family, is the big picture.
((Revelation Princess))

Little Sister

Little Sister

I hear the words, harsh angry and mad,
I feel the pain and it hurts so bad,
Little Sister, wipe away your tears
Cuz I'm gonna protect you from your fears,
Little Brother take care of your lady always
Cuz she's gonna be the one who's there on your bad days.
I'm far away and I've been gone a while
But some things don't change- Mom's still in denial
I moved on and moved up in this crazy life
Never, though, could I forget that old home town strife
Mama drinkin, our family always fallin apart
Now I see why it's how my life had to start
The world isn't safe, easy or nice,
And believe your sister, even love comes at a price,
The world's a tough place but you have what it takes
I know you can rise above the toughest of the breaks
Smarter than me-my baby sister has it all
I watch and pray- girl please don't fall
You're all grown up now, I'm not your boss
Don't become Mom- take it easy on the sauce.
I'll do whatever I can for you through all my days
Just know that I love you now and always.

Majita, Te Quiero Eterna.

Rising From The Ashes

"A revolution never comes with a warning, A revolution never sends you an omen, A revolution just came like the morning, Ring the alarm- we here to wake up the snoring." -Michael Franti & Spearhead, Yell Fire

I'm starting over.
I've done this many, many times.
This time, though, it just has to stick.
I met a great guy Valentine's Day. I made a bad choice, though, and went against my own beliefs. Whether or not fixing this will end whatever there is between him and I, well, it just can't matter to me at this point. My brother didn't have to say much when I talked to him about it, we both knew I'd screwed up. I haven't been the person I want to be. I am better than I've been treating myself and letting others treat me. I can do better than this. I have to. I am not happy this way.

Everything has to change, all at once, or it simply will not change at all. I've tried small changes, tweaks and improvements.
So long as I do what I have always done, I will have what I've always had.
What I've always had is not enough.
Burn this life right to the ground, we're starting again.
...And the phoenix will rise again, from the ashes of her old life.
Gypsies make their own luck- I won't wait for my life to fix itself.

Beautiful V Day Round 2!

So, I went to my first devotional meeting today, which was outstanding, then I went out to dinner (beef and leaf!!!) with my friend Bo, and that all went very well. While waiting for Bo in front of the PX, I re-met (sorta) a very sweet guy that I think I may have the chance of enjoying to get to know. Very sweet guy.
Then, I went out with my friend's husband (she recently PCS'ed to the states, and he's not big on going out, usually) and one of the other soldiers from my unit. It started off really slow at the usual GI club downtown. It really only got maybe half as full as it usually does, at it's fullest point tonight. However, that left a lot of room to dance, and made it much easier to enjoy the antics and have fun. There were, to my knowledge, no fights, no drama, and no super-drunk stupidness downtown tonight. It was incredible! I dressed up, and, yes I will let my ego air out here for a second, I looked good. I got a couple questioning looks when I first got on the floor in my short little-black-dress, but the first 'drop it like it's hot' and the stares were more of the 'white girl can dance' variety than the 'what's she doing on the floor' sort. I'll admit, I probably would have enjoyed a little more non-platonic male attention, but my night wouldn't have been nearly as beautiful as it was had it happened. Kenslow n I grabbed a late night snack, and went our respective ways. I came home to a sweet little note from my sweet, and handsome, friend whom I'd spoken to earlier in the evening. I was told I looked cute/beautiful/great/good several times throughout the day, and, well, it was an awesome day.
I've never been much for Valentine's Day. I don't like being single much. However, this was the single best Valentine's Day I've ever had, and at the very least, the best holiday I've spent in Korea. It was all haphazard and last minute, but it was just incredible. You wanna talk about blessed? That's this girl right here.
I'm proof that we make our own luck.
Just call me Lucky. <3

V-Day Rockin

I had a great Devotional Meeting today. R & S are great guys. It's amusing to me, at this point, I can't help but wonder if I'll ever meet a Baha'i that doesn't use the disclaimer "I'm not the best example of a Baha'i, but..."- I think every Baha'i I've known has said something to the same effect. Not that I've known all that many, but it seems to be a pretty common theme. I think that's part of being a Baha'i. We're in this huge state of flux, where we're all building traditions and habits, and none of us are exactly where we feel we 'should be' with it... It's a beautiful thing, in an odd way, to know that even the people who are better educated in the spiritual sense, well, aren't better educated in the spiritual sense. It's awesome to feel like, even though I'm new-ish to the faith, even though I'm lost on a regular basis, even though I'm completely backwards sometimes, and crazy emotional almost all the time- I'm still on the same level as these people. They don't make me feel less than them, nor do they try to. They just want to teach me and learn from me. They see I have something to teach them. I think I'm a little more emotional and inflammatory than most Baha'is, as I still struggle with the detachment thing... I get excited about things, and it interests me to see other people and what makes them get excited about things, what brings emotion to their eyes. I definitely saw that today, and it was comforting to know I wasn't the only person who gets wound up over this sort of stuff. It was also nice to be reassured that I'm not the only person of faith who likes watching random TV shows that aren't necessarily PC.
I wound up, haphazardly, going out to dinner with a friend of mine from my unit. He was so happy to get invited out, he paid for it, and we ate a LOT!!! It was great, and quite relaxing to go out with someone I could relate to, and someone who's so respectful and just chill. He's just comfortable to be with. He never interrupts me, either. It's so easy to be with someone like that. The way he is, I almost wish there was something more between us. I'd hate to lose a friend like that, though.
I also ran into someone I've known via the net for a while, and probably ran into more than once, but, well, I was a little distracted (when am I not?) and didn't recognize him when he struck up a conversation with me. Don't I feel cool? Well, he's better looking, and sweeter, in person. I hope I didn't lose all my cool points by not knowing who I was talking to!!!
Here's the real question: Did I ever have cool points?

So, I Says "Self..."

So, this year's biggest focus- at least the one that was intended- is to get me back to myself, and taking care of me. It's mid-February. Success? Um, we're getting there, though most of the progress has been incidental. Things happen as they're meant to, though, I suppose. I finally met a few Baha'i's local to the area I'm currently in. That's helped a little bit. I'll be spending some time with two of them today, a couple that are currently traveling back in the states should return in the next couple weeks. That'll be nice. Things might get a sense of normalcy with a group of us around.

I have had some interesting experiences lately- the end of a relationship I was, at one point, determined to make work. That included finding out that loyalty isn't exactly a prized value to some people, despite what they preach- or, at the very least, their definition is extremely skewed. It hurts me to think about, though more in the universal people-can-be-really-cold sense than in the personal sense that it initially burned me in.
I have also developed feelings for someone I can't have. That's difficult, to say the least, but it's been a learning experience, as well. Obviously, for me to care about him in this way, he's doing things to look out for me that people who have had the opportunity to be with me haven't been. So, now I know what I need to look for. It never feels that simple, though.

For those of you who have been reading regularly, Slim is just gone, and that's where he should be. It took a lot of thought to realize that his actions showed no regard for my feelings what so ever, and he couldn't see that. That's not what I need. He talked a good game, but actions speak louder. Bones is still around, though I think he must be getting tired of me not committing and being less than reliable. I'm not ready to commit, and I've explained that to him, but I think he's used to girls who try and try to get him to settle down... I'm not that girl. I enjoy spending time with him, very much, but he's no more what I need than anyone else is right now, and I can't ask someone to be what they're not. I'm not even sure I could handle a relationship should it come my way at this point. It's better off this way. Smiley is, well, around. I haven't gotten to talk to him much lately, and, truth be told, I miss him quite a bit. I just don't have the energy or focus for that. He lives a decent distance away, and I don't think I'm what he wants, nor do I believe he'd be able to handle me as I am. It's nothing against him- really great guy- I just can't see someone with his life experience knowing how to handle all my complexities. It only becomes an issue when I realize I have no intention of changing. I like who I am- without that weird, random, conflicting and often wild side of me- "Charli"- there wouldn't be Gypzy, or the sweet, feminine, kind person I can be other times. I just am not the consistent, level individual that some people like to portray themselves as. I'm honest, and I won't hide what I feel. Whether that makes me strong, as some have told me, or weak, as I suspect, I don't know, and need to stop caring. This is who I am, regardless of what anybody thinks, and I don't want anyone who can't be okay being with me.
Maybe I just need to find someone as complex as me.
Or not.
And the beat goes on....

A Lesson From Each Love Lost

I wasn't in love with him.
No, it wasn't love, but I suppose knowing that brings me to question the times I've called what I felt love, too.
I don't know why that word comes so easily to my lips. I feel too much, just as I always have. I don't suppose that will ever change.
It was supposed to happen the way it did. Why? I don't know. Maybe I don't want to know.
I just know it was supposed to happen that way, feel that way, and end that way- no matter how much it's vibrations hurt in the afterglow.
He's the only man that's ever treated me the way I want to be treated, the only man who's ever made me feel the way I wanted to feel. I've never felt so free, so calm, so peaceful, like I had everything to give the world...
I don't know how to explain it, I just know I want it back. It's not mine, though, and that's something that won't change.
So, I move on, I start again, just like I always have... only this time, I know what it is I'm chasing, even if I can't quite get it in my sights. I know what it is to be cared for, to not feel like I've settled, to just be happy.
If you're reading this, I love you like family, like I should have from the beginning. I will always have your back. I hope we meet again in a better place and time. Most of all, thank you for teaching me what I needed so much to learn, and for speaking the words I needed to hear most.
You gave me what I needed, not what I asked for.

Discrimination: Remember From Whence We Came

-Called "Dirty, lazy and stupid."
-Refused jobs based on race
-Changed names to hide racial origins as much as possible
-Worked to lose accent to blend in to the mainstream
-Faced segregation in schools, churches and jobs

The interesting part?
These were anti-Irish sentiments.

Remember from whence we came, my brothers and sisters.
Do not cast the first stone unless thou thyself are sinless.

Love & Life

I'm not in a relationship.
I wonder if it's a good idea for me to be right now.
Truth is, I'll never really be sure if it's a good idea for me to be in one or not. I can ask my friends all I want, and I can get what they see- and usually, they're pretty much dead-on about things- but, really, I'll never be sure one way or another.
I've been thinking about the positive lately, as Bones has made me smile quite a bit, despite my suspicion that he'll be gone as fast as anyone else. Even so, I'm enjoying the time I spend with him. I guess that's all you can really do sometimes, right?

I love guys who know how to play. I'm not talking about flirtatious banter- I'm talking about monkey bars, horsing around, chasing each other around the house, pillow fights- PLAYING! That's a must.

Someone with some drive. Lord knows I slack a little bit in this area- I'm not always too certain of what I want, believe it or not, and, at times, I just want the goals to go away and leave me alone for a while. I need someone who has that gonna-get-em attitude when I don't.

Someone who really believes in something, spiritually. It doesn't have to be the same things I do, though it'd be nice to find someone Baha'i, but someone who really believes in it. I have to be able to talk about God, and I'd really like to be with someone who can pray with me. I've never been with someone I can do that with. I tend to feel like women are usually the more spiritually driven parts of relationships, but I need someone with the same kind of foundation, at least.

I like affection-someone comfortable enough with himself to be able to stand behind me with his arms around my waist in public and not get all weird on me. I like someone who leaves one or two small things behind as a reminder that they're not leaving forever- it's probably speaking to my trust issues, but it's a small gesture that helps way more than I'd realized.

I find myself attracted to people with more unique ethnic heritages. A friend of mine is Japanese, Mexican, White and Black. I'm not sure why, and maybe it'd be more difficult growing up that mixed, but I just find it fascinating. It's interesting going through my own heritage- God knows I've got some pretty jagged blood lines- but it always seems more interesting looking at somebody else's. I seem to have a thing for Island Boys too- Jamaica, Haiti, V.I., Costa Rica, Puerto Rico, etc.- although, having grown up in the desert myself, I have no idea what stands out so much about that. Many of the Islanders, I've been informed, tend to keep their emotions very bottled, as well. Opposites attract, perhaps?

I'm really trying to put together a mental composite of what I want. I know better than to think it's that simple- God's idea of what's best for me and my own differ drastically, of course, and He really digs reminding me of that in undeniable ways- but I guess I'd feel better at least knowing what I'm shooting for?

Maybe it doesn't make sense. Maybe it never will.

I'm trying anyway.

Where Were You?

I'm real glad the Saints won the Superbowl. The Cowboys might not have gotten there, but my Southern folk still representing right!
I can't stand the Colts or Peyton Manning.

It's funny, I had my meltdown a few days ago now, and I'm really looking at who was there for me and who wasn't. Some of the people I really expected to be there, people I specifically reached out to- weren't there. It really was that simple. I got blown off, or they simply couldn't handle me when I'm upset. In retrospect, I don't have the first clue why it surprises me as much as it does. Smiley sure as hell couldn't hang- Lord knows I tried to explain it to him, but he's too young. He made some snide comment about me boosting my own ego by saying he was young- I don't give a rat's behind about my own ego, not that it couldn't use a boost, but that boost has never come from being cocky. He just doesn't have the experience to handle someone like me, and that's fine, I'm just glad I realized it before I invested more into it, though it hurt regardless. Brother Man was too wrapped up in his own feelings to be there for me, which, seeing how thick his tough shell is, I never saw coming. I guess something I said hit too close to home, though I honestly can't remember what I said, only that he pretty much stopped talking to me before things even really heated up for me. Slim... I don't know. I guess I should just write him off at this point. Or maybe I'm just really not ready for a relationship. Does it matter?
Bones is back on the scene, and I'm really liking having him around. He's a good guy, doesn't have to try for something, and he's just fun to be around, especially when he's willing to be goofy. He can be real funny when he lets his guard down just a little bit. We had a pretty outstanding... I guess it really was a date, wow... last night, and I'm really glad I went out, even if I didn't see most of it coming. I had a really good time, and he's going out of his way to take care of me and make me feel special, which is hard to find these days. I really like this guy.
I'm not pushing for a relationship right now, though, I'm better off alone. It's nice to have people in my life, but I'm just not trying to focus that much attention on something that likely won't last a month anyway.
I'm tired.
I'm heading up to Yongsan today, to spend some time on my own, n maybe see my boy Lil Hawaii. I haven't seen him in a while, and I think he needs someone to talk to as much as I do right now.

Alone With My Thoughts

Facebook is evil.
It puts in your face all the crap you don't want to know about or think about.
Like exes- or the BS artists that weren't supposed to walk away before it could even be a relationship- or what they're knee-deep in now.
Crude, I know.
I don't care.
I don't know why my ego feels like it took a hit already, I really don't. It's not even 0830 and I'm irritated.
This is just not a good look.

Companionship And Moving On

I don't know if it's time for a relationship.
I don't know if it's okay to try to be in one right now.
I know Slim is trying his butt off, but I also know how hard and forced it feels for me right now.
I can't question that he cares- I simply can't- but my heart is more locked away than it was when he first started trying to make me part of his life. He's the first guy to see how important it is for me to play, to have fun, to relax- people don't really see that. He also knows I want to wait til marriage- and sticks to that. I'm shutting down big time right now, with everyone. I don't know what I want or need at this point, because there's nothing that makes any sense at all. The things that look like the best thing in the world for me are no less painful or scary than the things that I never want to go through again.
I'm going to Bliss in July... it's "home" in the sense that it's not Korea, and it's where I grew up... but there's not too many places, at this point, that don't stand on an almost equal scale where the word 'home' is concerned right now. This room I live in is as much home as any other place at this point, and that's getting kind of old. I'm tired of hearing people talk about how I'll always have a home with them... I don't know what home is right now, and I'm not sure that I ever have.
I'm really, truly lost and confused right now. Relationships will never be simple, friends will never mean nothing, and maybe home will never be a concrete thing for me.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do now. I'm not sure how to clear my head. I have to find a way.

Trust?

I have never opened up to anyone as quickly as I opened up to Smiley. Ever.
I guess it was a mistake.
I'll be there for him til the day I die, because I truly believe he has a great, beautiful heart. I won't, however, ever expect him to be there for me. He doesn't have the first clue how to be. I'm not easy to handle, I told him that, but he's much younger than I usually date, and I see now how much he has yet to learn about difficult women. I'll miss him.
Slim... still won't go away. He makes me so dang mad sometimes. What do you do with someone who pushes and pushes and refuses to walk away no matter what? What do you do with someone who understands that the thing you need the most is to be able to play like a kid? What do you do when you realize that this is someone who actually deserves a chance, even though you have no idea where to start? I don't know how to let him in again. After waiting for him to come back for 6 hrs, I gave up. I was hurt. I hate thinking about that night. He wasn't the reason I lost my cool tonight, but he was the last straw of hay that broke that camel's back. I had a meltdown. Granted, I desperately needed to let it all out, whether or not I realized that, but it didn't make it feel any more pleasant to be going through it.

It's just occurred to me that there are two questions that can be answered simultaneously: Why are women so complicated? and Why do women believe they are so much smarter than men?

Women don't stuff their feelings back or try to make them go away. We know we need to have them, and let them run their course, and most of the time, act on them. The complication part comes in when we need someone to remind us that we're allowed to have these feelings. Ever hear a woman tell her child or sister, friend, daughter, granddaughter, whoever to 'let it all out' or 'have a good cry'? Okay, I'm not cheesy enough to say these are things I say or anything, but they have a purpose. Women, if not everyone, occasionally needs to be reminded that it's alright to have these feelings, and there's nothing wrong with letting them out. It's healing.

Did it really have to take me a 3 hour meltdown to come around to this one conclusion???

Me n the Big Guy are going to have to talk about his way of getting things into my head....

Angry All The Time

I'm angry today.
I don't know why, but it's pretty thorough.
I had, well, can't call it a nightmare, exactly, but a very violent dream last night. I think I understand what it means, but I can't quite figure out where it's coming from. It's a frustrating feeling.
I've decided that, since there's very little I can do to improve parts of my life and situation that I wanted to change and take care of before I moved forward with promotions and such, that I am going to volunteer for WLC and, after the Soldier Of The Quarter board next month, the promotion board. I'm still struggling with some things, but that's simply part of the human condition, and it will have to do. I refuse to stay stuck where I am. "I've come too far to stay where I belong." -from the movie Fracture
Where the other gender is concerned... well, frankly, I'm tired of getting my hopes up. I need to decide what it is I want and stick with it. If I can't do that, though, I won't try to make something work that isn't, at it's foundation, what I feel is right for me. I'll be at Bliss in July, and there's no telling what Bliss has in store for me. It's time to move on.
I'm not making the choices I always wanted to, so maybe I'm still in the wrong, but right now... I'm taking care of myself. I'm relaxing, and I'm focusing. I'm not going to keep beating myself up over not being the person I've been trying to be over night. It's a process. I'm getting there, even if it's happening slowly.
I don't know what everything means right now, or what the right choice to make about many of the things going on in my life is, but I'm here, I'm trying, and I refuse to back down.

Progressive Believer

I met Steve and Richard for the first time today- two of a number of fellow Baha'is here in my area. I can't be sure what I expected, maybe I didn't have any specific expectations, though it seems to be human nature to have some... I had some great conversations with them, and really look forward to the meetings in the future. I was amazed to see how similar people can think, and interested to see the subtle, if quasi-complex differences in the opinions and beliefs between people who share the same faith. I'm still processing it all, but it definitely feels like progress, and I am more than ready to take a dive, head-first, into this. I suppose in some ways, I already have, but I want more.
I feel at peace in a way I'm not used to right now. I didn't eat that much, so that can't be it... :-)
I've met people in my life who I identified with more than these guys, who I immediately had an understanding of... Yet, somehow, this is more powerful to me.
The conversation I had with Jerry the other night keeps ringing in my ears. He was so impressed with how much I was absorbing, how naturally it seemed to fit into who I was... I can't say I wasn't surprised myself... Yet... now, as I think about it, even more than when he and I talked... It feels like this was all exactly what was supposed to happen. This was the moment I was supposed to understand why I had faced the struggles I have... This is the reason. I have never felt like I stood apart from the crowd much. Most of my life, it seems like I have somehow gotten lost in the shuffle. Right now, I have no doubt in my mind that this is the reason I've struggled so hard to be an individual, to be myself, and to follow my heart rather than the crowd. Right now, I know that I am meant for something great, that I am here because I am going to make a difference, through what I believe in, through the people that I know, through the means I have been given. Some people are artists- their medium is paint, or music, or poetry, or sculpture... I am good with words, to an extent, but I have always felt that was a small peice of a bigger puzzle that makes up my medium... My medium is people... I don't make a difference through my writing- these words most likely will be forgotten quickly and it's highly doubtful that they will survive my life span- but these words are my way of connecting with people, of showing them they are not alone, of reminding them that they are not the only one who feels weak, or scared, or hurt, or sad... They are not alone, and they are not unique in their pain. Everybody feels the same way, underneath, though how we show it could not be less similar sometimes...
I'm sleepy, but I am so overwhelmed by the emotions raging inside me right now. I really, truly feel that I have found what I was put here for. I don't think I've ever been more at peace.

Retention Of The Wildest

I re-enlist for the first time today.
As is my standard, it's not going to be the usual type of re-enlistment, at least not for our unit.
I've been to a couple re-enlistments now, and they've been brief, to the point, and done with.
I got cake, and my favorite former-infantry MAJ, ("my other commander") and hopefully most of Reaper Nation coming along for it. This isn't going to be whoever we can scrounge up. This is MY re-enlistment, dammit. Ms. Liz is making me (made me) an awesome cake, with the funniest fake re-enlistment contract I've ever seen on it. "Ass is sore for three more" and "signed under duress" both appear on it. I love it!!!!!!!!! This girl is the shit! <3
This afternoon, I also have a lunch meeting with a civilian contractor I came into contact with recently, much thanks to Jerry, who also happens to be Baha'i. Richard is the first Baha'i I'll have the opportunity to meet since I've adopted the faith, and I'm both excited and nervous. I'm a different breed in every way, and, while Jerry feels this is one of my best qualities, I can see why not everyone would agree.
This weekend, I'm looking at going to The Hump. I'm going to see Smiley, and I can't wait. I don't know if this is going somewhere, but I do genuinely like him. We'll see how he holds up, I guess. I'm not really at a point where I plan on settling down. If something works, it works, but I don't have a lot of faith or need for someone right now. I keep busy, socially and professionally, and it's probably better this way as long as I'm in Korea. I'm meeting a lot of interesting people right now, but the thought of settling down with someone long-term is as scary as it is pleasant. Trying to find someone else who plans to wait til marriage (yes, I'm talking about exactly what you think I am) and, preferably, someone who doesn't drink... It's a hard thing to do in this day and age, especially in the service. We're a wild bunch, and most people can't balance who they are and the Army without a social lubricant. I'm a different breed. I don't need alcohol to be comfortable with people- it actually makes me less comfortable with them. I don't like feeling out of control in a public place, at least not in a way that makes me question if I'll be able to regain control if I need to. That's just not me.
I'm pretty tired today, think I'm fighting something off. Yuck.
Keeping my head up, because I won't get two shots at today.

Love Will Set Me Free ((I Forgive You))

It doesn't surprise me when he gets defensive or angry anymore- it's who he is.
It surprised me that his words hurt me so much.
He'll never apologize, because he's really not at a point in his life where he can see his own part in someone else's feelings. He doesn't understand the emotional side of consequences. I thought I'd let him go when I realized that. After our argument today, though, I realize I hadn't quite let him go, because he was still very much able to hurt me. I am unhappy with myself for that, but it's a fact, none the less.
I am forgiving him. I loved him, truly, and maybe I wasn't as strong as I wish I'd been, but what's meant to be finds a way- I believe that in my heart- and this, well, wasn't meant to be. He liked to say there was only one King- the nickname I'd given him- and that's true. There will never be another King in any relationship I have. I never really liked the idea of monarchies much, anyway. I'd rather be a member of a team than living under a monarchy. Perhaps the nickname was more appropriate than I'd realized.
None the less, I see where I made less than great choices. I see more of what I need, more of what I need to avoid and more of who I am when my heart gets involved. Never again will I try to show someone how to believe- that's not a lesson that can be taught by another person. I have faith so strong... I believe so much, so truly and so fully... I can't relate to someone who doesn't understand what it is to put your trust in God that everything will be alright. I don't always do so good at it- I get pretty stressed out- but my heart always knows that there is a plan, and this, too, shall pass. This heartbreak will pass.
It bothers me to know someone told him lies about me, and some part of me wants to know who and why. Truth is, no amount of knowledge will make this situation any different: we can say we're friends, but we aren't. We are hurt exes. We were both wounded by all we experienced, to what degree remains to be seen. We can swear to be there for one another, but we didn't trust each other when we were together, so we can't and won't trust each other now. I learned a lot, I don't regret it, and I do miss some parts of it... This was for the best, though.
Being faithful isn't always being true.
Being honest isn't always being open.
Being gentle isn't always being loving.
Being gone isn't always wrong.

Goodbye, and I forgive you.

Focus & Drive

Instead of avoiding what scares you most, throw yourself into it.
Where did I get that advice?
I don't know.
I'm trying, though, as we begin to prepare for EFMB.
If only the same thing worked for relationships.
I don't know how I'm supposed to handle these things, or the other people in them. I'm not in one right now, and rather grateful not to be. I'm enjoying my Free Agent status, but doing everything to stick to my principles, rather than let the attention and freedom cloud my judgement. I have several friends in my life right now that I can see becoming more- most for very different reasons than the next- and I sit back, trying to figure out how to focus and see what it is I really need, want and what in another person will genuinely make me happy. I'm changing, growing, and evolving so rapidly right now, that I don't know how to gague that. How do you know what will be right for you in 10 years when you're not even sure what's going to be right tomorrow?
I want to settle down, I want to get past this phase of my life... I just have this nagging feeling I'll be okay once I meet someone I'm interested in who shares my Faith, but when will that be? There's so few of us...
Back to work.

Out Of The Darkness, Into The Shadows

There are some decisions that are so far into the gray area that it will throw me for a loop every time.
There are others that appear very clearly black or white, yet my heart places them elsewhere.
I struggle with this, perhaps I always will.
I am tired.
If you do what you've always done, you'll have what you've always had.
So, when will I learn?
I definitely had a lightbulb moment last night, but made another bad choice today.
Start again, it always comes back to starting again.
Friday, I will meet with a fellow Baha'i. This will be the first time I have met someone of this faith since I have so stubbornly adopted it, though I have yet to declare. I pray he's half as down to earth as Jerry, because I've lived long enough to know that shared things don't dictate a connection between two people on any large level. I am more than nervous. Friday will be a big day for me, as I also re-enlist that morning, with the commander of Reaper Nation taking the lead. Saturday, I plan to go up to Camp Humphreys. We'll see how plans work.

Walkin' The Line

If any of you were wondering, listening to those Army Study Guide MP3's is only barely more tolerable than actually reading all this crap.
I'm sipping sparkling grape juice and listening to this stuff, trying to clear my head and relax. Historically, as long as I'm calm, I can handle anything. I rarely make a total fool out of myself unless I freak out. Had I known tomorrow was only going to be company-level, I doubt I would have given it a second thought. Now, I get to make a trip up to Seoul after the board, even. Ummm, awesome. I'm grateful that my supply clerk is one of the soldiers here I genuinely like as a person, because tomorrow is going to be a very long day. I have no idea what time we'll end up getting back, as it looks like we'll be leaving several hours after we'd like to. Such is life. Books and a fully charged iPod are clearly in order. If you think I'm going to listen to a single Army Study Guide MP3 tomorrow, you're clearly smoking something stronger than tobacco.
Slim is clueless, and seems to change his mind weekly as to whether or not he wants to be part of my life. He already made my mind up for me, I wish he'd just move on.
Hoping to see Pretty Ricky this weekend, we'll see. Bones is trying to convince me to go to Yongsan, though I'm relatively sure that he'd stay here if I said I'd see him here. Wish I could trust him, but I can't.
I've finally had some luck getting in touch with some Baha'i folks in the area. There's three English-speaking Baha'is locally, and I'm really excited to meet them. I should get to meet one of the three- all male so far- some time this week. He's the only one I know of so far that works on post. I'm nervous, as I feel like there's a standard I'm expected to be living up to already that I'm not, but at the same time, I really, really need this. I need that community, especially with fast coming up. I need that support, the knowledge that other people believe and feel what I do. I know there are a few Baha'is in the local community- a few Korean women at the least- and that will surely make my last 6 months here more interesting. I'm really excited about this. It also makes the thought of Feast much more exciting. It all seems more tolerable with this in sight.
I'm so grateful God has brought these people into my life.

Charli And The Darkness

I'm tired, stressed out, angry, irritated and overwhelmed.
Here's the good news: Charli's taking over for a while, to give me a break.
Hey, I didn't say it was good news for YOU.
My calendar is about to go on strike, and I can't say that I'd blame it at this point.
So, you know what? Screw it.
I DON'T HAVE TO CARE.

I'm not going to keep pawing through the darkness like a frightened child- Charli can handle this, she's not afraid of the dark.
Alter-ego, activate!

Finding God In The Darkness

My heart is hurting.
The one guy who's gone out of his way to be there for me lately is the one I can't seem to let in. The one I want to trust is the one who's dealing with his own stuff and has no clue how to even hear me. Telling me I need to sleep when you're the one who sounds exhausted just tells me you want to get off the phone so you can go to bed. That's fine, I'll say goodnight, and act like I have no idea that you were tired of listening. It doesn't make it any easier to be here without you or your support when I hang up, it just lets you sleep better.
I'm overwhelmed right now, and things are in such a huge state of flux, and there's just so much going on. I feel like a child, scared of the dark, sliding along the wall, searching for a light switch in sheer darkness, unable to see anything around her or in front of her, having no idea what she might bump into or when she'll find that elusive light.
Every guy that's been allowed to get close to me has one thing in common: they've referred to my being with them, either in their place or together with them, as 'home'. The amount of implication in that statement is probably more than I can really process tonight. It makes me self-concious, honestly, to consider the reason and logic behind that particular theme. The issues I must have for that one word to sound so incredibly appealing...
I think I must sound numb right now, as I write this, emotionally, I mean. It's so much harder to filter the emotion out of words when I'm like this... How do you express emotion without being emotional? It's an on-going battle for me. I have to express myself, but if I just wrote what came to my head, well, there would be swearing and anger abound, and that just breeds more anger. I may struggle with it, but I surely don't want to give into that much raw, live power... It's too much.
I wipe away tears as I think about the people I really have wanted to be there for me, as I think about coming home from work today, collapsing into my chair and crying uncontrollably for 20 minutes, knowing all I really want is someone who is always there for me, someone I know is always on my side, who can handle supporting me, and loving me. I have family- God knows I wouldn't have survived without my brothers- but at some point, you get tired of seeing the families and couples and want to be there. I want that life, I want that much discipline and determination to make something work. I want to know that all the things I have in life will be with that one person, no matter what else happens.
I paw through the darkness, clinging to the walls that are the few solid things in my life, reaching out for that light that is my faith in God, that is the only thing I know that will sustain me so that I may come out of this horrible fear, this pitch-black darkness that I am in.
I am having a hard time right now, but I am not hopeless.
That is the beginning of everything.