It's a little after 11 pm here in Daegu, South Korea, and I'm finally winding down from a long couple days. Tomorrow will have it's rough spots, but it is the Friday of a short week. I am thankful. It has been non-stop all week long, and I am ready for my break. It wasn't until today, when I caught myself looking forward to my dentist appointment of all things, that I realized what a toll this week had taken. I've been pulling the weight of the entire clinic this week, and it's just too much. I love that I am this capable, but it is overwhelming, and not acceptable. I don't have the rank to be delegating, but it has come to the point where I have had to learn to tell people who outrank me that no, I will not be doing that, they will have to manage it on their own or deal with the fact that it is not going to happen. I have too much on my plate, and I refuse to let things keep piling up until I can no longer hold that plate. If I can't do it alone, they can't do it without me. I am so very grateful for my husband-to-be and for my friends and family. They are what keeps my light shining in the darkest moments. The wedding plans are coming along beautifully, and I can't explain how proud of Ryan I am as I watch him handle all of this. Having him in my life takes this weight off my shoulders that I didn't realize I was carrying. I truly did not understand how much the 'biological clock' thing was a subconcious reality for women- including me. It feels as though having a partner has taken so much pressure off, so much weight of what if's just gone. It's a beautiful feeling.
I find myself much more interested in less mainstream things lately. Yoga, correcting some of my oh-so-unhealthy eating habits to include more protein, GNC vitamins, and some other alternative type efforts to get myself back on track.
I decided I was going to go a week without wearing tight or restrictive clothing, like jeans.... This is harder than I thought.
More soon, when I'm not half asleep and rambling.
Hopefully.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
Good Night, Moon.
Today was a rough one. I made it through, though, and am rather proud of that.Yes, it was that serious.
I'm worn out, to say the least.
I have PT with the OIC and NCOIC in about an hour, which was enough of a frago this morning to throw me way off balance. I got some good sleep last night, which is probably my only saving grace at this point. If I hadn't slept last night, I would have been an utter disaster today. I had to do everything I could to set the clinic into reset mode after the week I was gone, because everything pretty much went to hell while I was gone. It created an incredible amount of work for me by being gone while patients were being seen. I'm alright though, I made it through it.
Oddly enough, I'm feeling rather unstoppable this evening. I think it is due to a couple NCO's at battalion talking to me for a bit, and noting that I had my crap together, and to my outstanding fiance, who is included in that anomaly known as- *GASP!*- my personal life being stable and above satisfactory. I'm so happy that I don't have to worry about my other half doing something dumb or being untrustworthy or screwing me over somehow. Ryan has my heart in ways I didn't know were possible. I'm a lucky woman.
Being a soldier is a HUGE source of pride for me, and I hope to retire after 20 or so years in. There are days that try my backbone, though. I am grateful to have the people around me that have been, because many of them have truly been my saving grace and a huge source of strength for me in the more trying days. I have great friends, an amazing husband-to-be and some pretty stellar soldiers to look up to. The bad days really aren't all that bad if I've got all of that going for me, you know?
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Muzik
I have found myself more and more attracted to certain types of music, and certain artists lately. Michael Franti is an amazing musician, and probably the biggest musical influence in my life right now. He has several songs with Spearhead that I love, Say Hey being the most commonly known, but songs like Soulshine, Hey World (Don't Give Up), and several others have become addictive to me. He is incredible, and I love the message he sends. India Arie has always been an inspiration to me, her soul is truly in her music. 'Talk To Her' and 'Good Man' are almost over powering in their strength and beauty. Black Eyed Peas, while fairly mainstream, are sending a great message, and I have to give them more than a passing nod for doing so. Big And Rich is a country group, but I am more and more impressed with their efforts and the messages they send with their music.
Music is my life line, if not so much my skill.
It is no wonder one of my best friends as well as my fiance are musicians. My stepdaughter, too, is just incredibly talented musically. I love music, I love to dance, and it's incredible to me how powerful music really is. Music has been around since the earliest humans. We are drawn to it, it is part of us, as much as our heartbeats. It is the life force within us. It is incredible and powerful, and it makes me so proud to see that there are people finally using it for the bettering of our society.
Music is my life line, if not so much my skill.
It is no wonder one of my best friends as well as my fiance are musicians. My stepdaughter, too, is just incredibly talented musically. I love music, I love to dance, and it's incredible to me how powerful music really is. Music has been around since the earliest humans. We are drawn to it, it is part of us, as much as our heartbeats. It is the life force within us. It is incredible and powerful, and it makes me so proud to see that there are people finally using it for the bettering of our society.
Soulshine
This is my life.
It's not perfect, it's not easy, but it's mine.
Life is a beautiful struggle.
Creativity takes courage. -Henry Matisse
You have to do stuff that average people don't understand because those are the only good things. -Andy Warhol
When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.' -Wayne Dyer
'Love Everybody.' -Muzik Mafia
I will have my rough days.
I will survive them.
I will have my good days.
I will shine through them.
I will meet new people everyday.
I will seek to learn what it is they have to teach me.
I will never, ever forget that everyone is going through something I won't understand.
I will always remember that I've been there, too.
I am not cleaning like I should be. I'm not studying or doing the online courses or talking to my husband-to-be. I am not doing any of the things the rest of the world believes I should be doing right now. I am taking care of me. I am just going to have to learn to be okay with that every once in a while.
I went to the gym yesterday. It felt good. I did not hurt my back any further, but I pushed myself to reach my limits. I did dips and pull ups, because they are the easiest upper-body exercises to do without putting any strain on my back. I did crunches, but quit when I felt my back muscles starting to tense up. I did 10 minutes on the stationary bicycle, and thought my legs would surely give out on the way down the stairs. After my work out, I sprinted for 10 more minutes. I felt good. I went out last night, I danced and hung out with people I know have my back. I was reminded by a good friend that my good deeds, that my patience and genuine give-a-damn has not gone unrecognized. I was also reminded that I am beautiful, and someone people feel lucky to be with. My friend is struggling with some things that I have been through. I am doing what I can to help, though I think I am getting more out of it than I could ever begin to put into it. I am grateful that my friend is able to open up to me, and trust me, even if it's only a little bit. These things take time, and I am okay with that.
I was reminded that my fiance loves me very, very much. There's no splitting us up. I am truly blessed to have him to spend the rest of my life with. I understand, now, what it means when people say they married their best friend. I am more than eager to see it in action. It has been so long since Ryan has seen me. It occurred to me earlier just how much I have changed since he last saw me, and I was struck by a feeling of overwhelming pride. I have grown up so much in these last two years, so much has changed, and I am just so proud to be who I already am. I have been through so much, I have handled so many things, I have made an effort to help people, and have helped myself in the process. I have found my life, and, I suppose, in a sense, I have found myself. I am grateful, and I am blessed.
There are so many people in my life that have been there for me, and so many who simply refuse to give up on me... For the longest time, I felt that there would be no one who wouldn't eventually give up on me. Now I see that it was never my loss. I am better for having been through all I have, I am stronger and wiser and so much happier for every minute of pain, of struggle I have seen.
The struggle, no doubt, is not over yet.
I just wanted to pause for this moment, though, and smile.
Thank you, all of you, who have never given up on me.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
The Hardest Thing
I am my own worst enemy.
This isn't news.
Right now, though, I am struggling with everything I feel, everything I know, everything I feel is right and those things that I feel are wrong.
I'm also struggling with my own sense of who I am and what is right for me, and the limits implied therein.
I love Ryan in a way I didn't know I was capable of.
I am in such a state of complete and total transition right now that I'm scared that we, as a couple, will not see the other side of it.
I need a spiritual foundation right now. This isn't news, either. This is something I've searched for nearly my entire life. Right now, though, more than ever, I find myself straining, reaching, begging life to give me the outlet I so badly need spiritually.
So few people here understand my faith, understand what I need and offer.
I'm not Christian, and there seems to be so few people who can see faith in any other color than that one, if they can see it at all.
I need to find my place, and I need to find my peace.
I have a relationship with God that most, especially where junior enlisted are concerned, could not ever begin to understand. Faith is so much stronger shared, though. Most people seem frightened by the very subject of faith or religion, or God. I just want someone I can call to talk to about this, someone who understands, who's not afraid to pray with me, who sees why this is important to me.
I love Ryan, and he seems to get the brunt of all of my bad days, and I don't like myself for that. I wonder if he understands this.
I wonder if he can relate.
I wonder how much faith and belief will impact all of this.
I'm frightened and feeling awfully alone right now.
I know Ryan loves me, and I know there's plenty of people who are there for me right now.
Yet, somehow, I couldn't bear to talk to someone I had to explain this spiritual pain to.
I feel very lost and very confused.
I hope this gets better soon.
This isn't news.
Right now, though, I am struggling with everything I feel, everything I know, everything I feel is right and those things that I feel are wrong.
I'm also struggling with my own sense of who I am and what is right for me, and the limits implied therein.
I love Ryan in a way I didn't know I was capable of.
I am in such a state of complete and total transition right now that I'm scared that we, as a couple, will not see the other side of it.
I need a spiritual foundation right now. This isn't news, either. This is something I've searched for nearly my entire life. Right now, though, more than ever, I find myself straining, reaching, begging life to give me the outlet I so badly need spiritually.
So few people here understand my faith, understand what I need and offer.
I'm not Christian, and there seems to be so few people who can see faith in any other color than that one, if they can see it at all.
I need to find my place, and I need to find my peace.
I have a relationship with God that most, especially where junior enlisted are concerned, could not ever begin to understand. Faith is so much stronger shared, though. Most people seem frightened by the very subject of faith or religion, or God. I just want someone I can call to talk to about this, someone who understands, who's not afraid to pray with me, who sees why this is important to me.
I love Ryan, and he seems to get the brunt of all of my bad days, and I don't like myself for that. I wonder if he understands this.
I wonder if he can relate.
I wonder how much faith and belief will impact all of this.
I'm frightened and feeling awfully alone right now.
I know Ryan loves me, and I know there's plenty of people who are there for me right now.
Yet, somehow, I couldn't bear to talk to someone I had to explain this spiritual pain to.
I feel very lost and very confused.
I hope this gets better soon.
Depth And Survival
I got back from the field yesterday and wound up spending 4 hours or so at the clinic fixing and finishing some stuff and helping one of my favorite patients.
This particular patient knows me from a lousy situation I found myself in last October or so, and he asked me about it, knowing that I will be a little more vulnerable to repercussions from this incident if, in fact, I do move as I have been told I will. It brought up some sad memories and some really lousy emotions.
I lost control of my emotions a bit last night, and I'm not proud of that, but I am happy I was able to keep it to myself. I handled it better than I'd expected when I first saw it coming.
I'm in a state of transition right now, as I nearly always am, I suppose. I'm in a place where I have to learn how to handle things that I'm clueless about, and I have these goals of who I want to be and what I want to do, but the path there is dark and more or less invisible to my eyes from where I stand. My long-term goals are continually fluctuating, and I wonder if they will ever stand still.
I wonder if I will ever stand still.
My nerves are acting up, I am doubting so many things right now.
More than anything, I am doubting myself.
I'm not in a dark place, not like I have been before, but I know I can get there from here if I don't watch my step.
This particular patient knows me from a lousy situation I found myself in last October or so, and he asked me about it, knowing that I will be a little more vulnerable to repercussions from this incident if, in fact, I do move as I have been told I will. It brought up some sad memories and some really lousy emotions.
I lost control of my emotions a bit last night, and I'm not proud of that, but I am happy I was able to keep it to myself. I handled it better than I'd expected when I first saw it coming.
I'm in a state of transition right now, as I nearly always am, I suppose. I'm in a place where I have to learn how to handle things that I'm clueless about, and I have these goals of who I want to be and what I want to do, but the path there is dark and more or less invisible to my eyes from where I stand. My long-term goals are continually fluctuating, and I wonder if they will ever stand still.
I wonder if I will ever stand still.
My nerves are acting up, I am doubting so many things right now.
More than anything, I am doubting myself.
I'm not in a dark place, not like I have been before, but I know I can get there from here if I don't watch my step.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
In The Silence (Mushy Content)
In the silence, I think of you.
I remember what it feels like to fall asleep in your arms.
I remember laying with my head on your chest and feeling safer and happier than I ever had before- and realizing you would never be able to sleep like that, but falling asleep before I could move to let you get comfortable.
In this empty, cold silence, in this distant, foreign land, I think of all the times you were all I wanted- and the one thing I could never have.
In the silence, I remember exactly how you hug me.
I remember how shy I suddenly felt when you offered to let me stay at your apartment when I was in a jam. I hadn't seen you in over a year, but it was as if we'd never been separated the moment we were back together.
I remember the many, many nights I struggled with my feelings for someone I was sure could never settle down.
I remember the day you told me how much you missed being married, and how it was like a blow to the stomach and the heart all at once. It felt like a sign, and it felt like a warning, but some part of me felt inadequate.
I believed I could never have you.
So many times, I saw in your eyes, that look that said there was something more.
So many times, I watched in awe as you went that extra little step to show me you cared- then I watched as you closed back up.
I watched as you watched me.
I could feel in my soul that you knew exactly how I felt about you.
I couldn't for the life of me figure out why I could not shut these feelings off like I'd done so many others.
Every time it was something that was big, I needed you to know, I needed to know how you felt about it- and I could never, ever figure out why.
You have always protected me. You had the chance to hurt me badly, and you knew it, but you didn't. You tell me I was too sweet to hurt, but I still don't see it. You always looked out for me. You may have put those walls up, but you couldn't manage to keep them up forever. Those stories you told me that night made me glad I knew you, and glad that I'd trusted you.
I have spent the entire time I've known you walking this line of trusting you just a little more than I can justify, and you keep proving to me that you won't violate my trust. Every time I turn and run from you, you always seem to be waiting in that spot that I've run to. Your patience is the stuff of legends. So is your snoring, but that's another subject all together. You've always been the man who would be my body guard- you've been the intimidating, protective friend who I always knew would look out for me. You were always the one who was busy with bigger and better things.
Now, you're the one who loves me like no one else could.
I'm a pain in the ass. I'm moody and stubborn and sometimes pretty rude.
I'm angry and temperamental and fickle, and I'm not usually very optimistic.
Most of the guys I've 'dated' haven't lasted a single month before they headed for the hills.
You've been one of my closest (if irrationally so) friends for more than 4 years, and you still want to spend the rest of your life with me.
Anyone can doubt this or question it, everyone is, of course, free to form their own opinion.
After this many years of friendship, of spending the night in the hospital with you, of dealing with your snoring, your questionable choices in slang, of wrestling, of falling asleep watching movies, of tattoos, of waking up to you running your fingers through my hair when I fell asleep at the band room, of Pizza Hut and sushi, of conversations about nothing that go on entirely too long... I love you.
It really is that simple.
Sure, there's plenty of things that make this look complicated from the outside.
It's not a modern-day fairy tale, or some romantic comedy.
There won't be only one obstacle for us to overcome before we ride off merrily into the sunset.
This is real life. This is the real world.
This may be the only chance I've got.
I don't want the fairy tale- the story is too short.
I want forever, all the good and the bad and the ugly and crazy and ridiculous things that happen and that we do. I want to be able to share this incredible adventure with the one person who forgives me when I hang up on him, and makes me blush without trying and who I can talk to about things I don't even want to think about myself, and who's hugs are unforgettable and who can make my eyes go watery with an email that's barely three sentences long...
I've done a lot of living in 23 years, and I'm proud of myself.
The next fifty or sixty years, though, are you and me.
You're the kind of man I would never let my daughter date. Fortunately for me, you're going to be by my side raising my (our) children, instead.
You're the only man that can out-crazy me.
I love you.
I remember what it feels like to fall asleep in your arms.
I remember laying with my head on your chest and feeling safer and happier than I ever had before- and realizing you would never be able to sleep like that, but falling asleep before I could move to let you get comfortable.
In this empty, cold silence, in this distant, foreign land, I think of all the times you were all I wanted- and the one thing I could never have.
In the silence, I remember exactly how you hug me.
I remember how shy I suddenly felt when you offered to let me stay at your apartment when I was in a jam. I hadn't seen you in over a year, but it was as if we'd never been separated the moment we were back together.
I remember the many, many nights I struggled with my feelings for someone I was sure could never settle down.
I remember the day you told me how much you missed being married, and how it was like a blow to the stomach and the heart all at once. It felt like a sign, and it felt like a warning, but some part of me felt inadequate.
I believed I could never have you.
So many times, I saw in your eyes, that look that said there was something more.
So many times, I watched in awe as you went that extra little step to show me you cared- then I watched as you closed back up.
I watched as you watched me.
I could feel in my soul that you knew exactly how I felt about you.
I couldn't for the life of me figure out why I could not shut these feelings off like I'd done so many others.
Every time it was something that was big, I needed you to know, I needed to know how you felt about it- and I could never, ever figure out why.
You have always protected me. You had the chance to hurt me badly, and you knew it, but you didn't. You tell me I was too sweet to hurt, but I still don't see it. You always looked out for me. You may have put those walls up, but you couldn't manage to keep them up forever. Those stories you told me that night made me glad I knew you, and glad that I'd trusted you.
I have spent the entire time I've known you walking this line of trusting you just a little more than I can justify, and you keep proving to me that you won't violate my trust. Every time I turn and run from you, you always seem to be waiting in that spot that I've run to. Your patience is the stuff of legends. So is your snoring, but that's another subject all together. You've always been the man who would be my body guard- you've been the intimidating, protective friend who I always knew would look out for me. You were always the one who was busy with bigger and better things.
Now, you're the one who loves me like no one else could.
I'm a pain in the ass. I'm moody and stubborn and sometimes pretty rude.
I'm angry and temperamental and fickle, and I'm not usually very optimistic.
Most of the guys I've 'dated' haven't lasted a single month before they headed for the hills.
You've been one of my closest (if irrationally so) friends for more than 4 years, and you still want to spend the rest of your life with me.
Anyone can doubt this or question it, everyone is, of course, free to form their own opinion.
After this many years of friendship, of spending the night in the hospital with you, of dealing with your snoring, your questionable choices in slang, of wrestling, of falling asleep watching movies, of tattoos, of waking up to you running your fingers through my hair when I fell asleep at the band room, of Pizza Hut and sushi, of conversations about nothing that go on entirely too long... I love you.
It really is that simple.
Sure, there's plenty of things that make this look complicated from the outside.
It's not a modern-day fairy tale, or some romantic comedy.
There won't be only one obstacle for us to overcome before we ride off merrily into the sunset.
This is real life. This is the real world.
This may be the only chance I've got.
I don't want the fairy tale- the story is too short.
I want forever, all the good and the bad and the ugly and crazy and ridiculous things that happen and that we do. I want to be able to share this incredible adventure with the one person who forgives me when I hang up on him, and makes me blush without trying and who I can talk to about things I don't even want to think about myself, and who's hugs are unforgettable and who can make my eyes go watery with an email that's barely three sentences long...
I've done a lot of living in 23 years, and I'm proud of myself.
The next fifty or sixty years, though, are you and me.
You're the kind of man I would never let my daughter date. Fortunately for me, you're going to be by my side raising my (our) children, instead.
You're the only man that can out-crazy me.
I love you.
Vulnerable
I am not enjoying being injured.
I suppose it'd be a bad sign if I did.
However, this is much more miserable than I'd originally expected.
No going out or dancing because it hurts just to get from point a to point b in a taxi.
I'm getting emotional because I just feel so helpless and vulnerable from being injured.
And did I mention I get bitchy when I get emotional?
Oh yeah, and it hurts a lot.
I'm trying really hard not to do the pity party thing, but I'm doing myself a disservice by trying to be with people, because everything but lying down seems to be hard on my back.
I don't like this.
I suppose it'd be a bad sign if I did.
However, this is much more miserable than I'd originally expected.
No going out or dancing because it hurts just to get from point a to point b in a taxi.
I'm getting emotional because I just feel so helpless and vulnerable from being injured.
And did I mention I get bitchy when I get emotional?
Oh yeah, and it hurts a lot.
I'm trying really hard not to do the pity party thing, but I'm doing myself a disservice by trying to be with people, because everything but lying down seems to be hard on my back.
I don't like this.
The Post-9/11 World
I won't lie- I'm proud to be an American- and an American Soldier- in a time when the first non-white President Of The United States is in office. We have truly come a long way. My Commander In Chief is a man with a completely different heritage than my own- and I am proud of him. Regardless of what any of these anti-Obama folks want to say, this man has more balls than any other president has. He is a black man in the most visible occupation on the planet. He is the FIRST black man in this occupation. He knows his life has been put in danger by taking this position, and he chose it anyway. There have been attempts on his life, and, I am sad to say, it is a sad certainty that there will be more. Small-minded people are a burden.
However much racism we have overcome, though, we, as a country, still harbor. I recently received an email that was well-intentioned, but sent along rather blindly by a sadly large number of people for a painfully long amount of time. The story enclosed was this one:
This is TRUE!
How Budweiser handled those who laughed at those
who died on the 11th of September,
2001...
Thought you might like to know what happened
in a little town north of Bakersfield , California
After you finish reading this,
please forward this story on to others
so that our nation and people around the world
will know about those who laughed
when they found out about the tragic events
in New York , Pennsylvania , and the Pentagon.
On September 11th,
A Budweiser employee was making a delivery
to a convenience store in a California town
named McFarland.
He knew of the tragedy that had occurred
in New York when he entered the business
to find the two Arabs, who owned the business, whooping and hollering to show their approval
and support of this treacherous attack.
The Budweiser employee went to his truck,
called his boss and told him
of the very upsetting event!
He didn't feel he could be in that store with those
horrible people. His boss asked him,
'Do you think you could go in there long enough
to pull every Budweiser product and item
our beverage company sells there?
We'll never deliver to them again.'
The employee walked in,
proceeded to pull every single product his
beverage company provided and left
with an incredible grin on his face.
He told them never to bother to call for
a delivery again.
Budweiser happens to be the beer of choice
for that community.
Just letting you know how Kern County
handled this situation. And Now
The Rest Of The Story:
It seems that the Bud driver and the Pepsi man
are neighbors. Bud called Pepsi and told him.
Pepsi called his boss who told him to
pull all Pepsi products as well!!!
That would include Frito Lay, etc.
Furthermore, word spread and
all vendors followed suit! At last report, on June 26, 2009, Fareed Katib closed the store and filed bankruptcy!
Good old American
Passive-Aggressive A$$ Whoopin!
Pass this along, America needs to know
that we're all working together!
If you can read this.
Thank a teacher...
If you are reading it in English....
THANK A SOLDIER!!!
If you do not send this
you have no soul !!!!
My response to this email included a link to the snopes article that debunked this email. This email is completely false, and, what is more sad to me, is that it has fed into the anti-Arab anger that has overwhelmed this country since September 11, 2001. That was a sad and horrible day for Americans all over the world. There was nobody with American blood, not to mention the many who simply grasped the horror of this incident without ties to our country, who wasn't shocked, appalled and angry that day. These people terrorized our country. THESE PEOPLE were a number less than those that live on a city block, yet we continue to feed one another myths that all Arab people hated our country, even the ones living here. It's been eight years since 9/11- and, make no mistake, we will NEVER forget- but how can we still hold on to blind anger that never was anything more than misplaced and misdirected and far too generalized in the first place? I am an American Solider, and I am ashamed of anyone who can harbor racism in any form who so much as lays eyes on MY FLAG. I have met people born in India, Mexico, Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, Portugal, Peru, Nigeria, South and North Korea, Canada, Japan, Germany and many other places who are standing beside me in uniform- the uniform of an American soldier. These people you feel it is okay to discriminate against are defending your right to your opinion and freedom. Nothing that encourages discrimination is okay. NOTHING. I don't care if you had a bad experience with a person or a whole neighborhood of a certain race or religion- there are good and bad in everything, and it is far past the time when we can turn a blind eye to something like this.
For those of you who are questioning something quietly in the back of your mind, yes, there are homosexuals who are defending our flag, as well, and they do so without the right to live their lives in the open as others do. I am proud of my brothers and sisters who have over come their struggles and continue to defend my country, regardless of how their fellow people may treat them.
It doesn't matter what color your skin is to me, who you love, or where you came from.
I will die to defend your right to be you.
Think about that.
However much racism we have overcome, though, we, as a country, still harbor. I recently received an email that was well-intentioned, but sent along rather blindly by a sadly large number of people for a painfully long amount of time. The story enclosed was this one:
This is TRUE!
How Budweiser handled those who laughed at those
who died on the 11th of September,
2001...
Thought you might like to know what happened
in a little town north of Bakersfield , California
After you finish reading this,
please forward this story on to others
so that our nation and people around the world
will know about those who laughed
when they found out about the tragic events
in New York , Pennsylvania , and the Pentagon.
On September 11th,
A Budweiser employee was making a delivery
to a convenience store in a California town
named McFarland.
He knew of the tragedy that had occurred
in New York when he entered the business
to find the two Arabs, who owned the business, whooping and hollering to show their approval
and support of this treacherous attack.
The Budweiser employee went to his truck,
called his boss and told him
of the very upsetting event!
He didn't feel he could be in that store with those
horrible people. His boss asked him,
'Do you think you could go in there long enough
to pull every Budweiser product and item
our beverage company sells there?
We'll never deliver to them again.'
The employee walked in,
proceeded to pull every single product his
beverage company provided and left
with an incredible grin on his face.
He told them never to bother to call for
a delivery again.
Budweiser happens to be the beer of choice
for that community.
Just letting you know how Kern County
handled this situation. And Now
The Rest Of The Story:
It seems that the Bud driver and the Pepsi man
are neighbors. Bud called Pepsi and told him.
Pepsi called his boss who told him to
pull all Pepsi products as well!!!
That would include Frito Lay, etc.
Furthermore, word spread and
all vendors followed suit! At last report, on June 26, 2009, Fareed Katib closed the store and filed bankruptcy!
Good old American
Passive-Aggressive A$$ Whoopin!
Pass this along, America needs to know
that we're all working together!
If you can read this.
Thank a teacher...
If you are reading it in English....
THANK A SOLDIER!!!
If you do not send this
you have no soul !!!!
My response to this email included a link to the snopes article that debunked this email. This email is completely false, and, what is more sad to me, is that it has fed into the anti-Arab anger that has overwhelmed this country since September 11, 2001. That was a sad and horrible day for Americans all over the world. There was nobody with American blood, not to mention the many who simply grasped the horror of this incident without ties to our country, who wasn't shocked, appalled and angry that day. These people terrorized our country. THESE PEOPLE were a number less than those that live on a city block, yet we continue to feed one another myths that all Arab people hated our country, even the ones living here. It's been eight years since 9/11- and, make no mistake, we will NEVER forget- but how can we still hold on to blind anger that never was anything more than misplaced and misdirected and far too generalized in the first place? I am an American Solider, and I am ashamed of anyone who can harbor racism in any form who so much as lays eyes on MY FLAG. I have met people born in India, Mexico, Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, Portugal, Peru, Nigeria, South and North Korea, Canada, Japan, Germany and many other places who are standing beside me in uniform- the uniform of an American soldier. These people you feel it is okay to discriminate against are defending your right to your opinion and freedom. Nothing that encourages discrimination is okay. NOTHING. I don't care if you had a bad experience with a person or a whole neighborhood of a certain race or religion- there are good and bad in everything, and it is far past the time when we can turn a blind eye to something like this.
For those of you who are questioning something quietly in the back of your mind, yes, there are homosexuals who are defending our flag, as well, and they do so without the right to live their lives in the open as others do. I am proud of my brothers and sisters who have over come their struggles and continue to defend my country, regardless of how their fellow people may treat them.
It doesn't matter what color your skin is to me, who you love, or where you came from.
I will die to defend your right to be you.
Think about that.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Dead Man
I didn't want to go to the doctor.
I was taking Motrin.
Apparently, though, it was for the best.
The doctor described it as one of the worst sprains he'd ever seen.
So, naproxen, a muscle relaxer (yeah, it was that serious!), and a 2 week no run/push-ups/sit-ups/gear/heavy lifting profile...
I can't remember the last time I was on profile.
This stinks.
My unit is leaving for the field on Sunday night.
I won't be able to do much, which I'm not happy about, but if it's that serious, it's that serious.
I still haven't figured out how I hurt it....
I was taking Motrin.
Apparently, though, it was for the best.
The doctor described it as one of the worst sprains he'd ever seen.
So, naproxen, a muscle relaxer (yeah, it was that serious!), and a 2 week no run/push-ups/sit-ups/gear/heavy lifting profile...
I can't remember the last time I was on profile.
This stinks.
My unit is leaving for the field on Sunday night.
I won't be able to do much, which I'm not happy about, but if it's that serious, it's that serious.
I still haven't figured out how I hurt it....
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Open The Eyes Of My Heart
This is a trying time for me.
Physically, I feel broken.
Emotionally, I feel tired.
I have never been more grateful for my true friends and for the man I am set to marry.
If it weren't for the people who have my back, I would not be handling things this well right now.
Hard work has never scared me, especially where my patients are concerned. My patients are the reason I do this job, and I am thankful for them.
However, the amount of last-minute changes and stressors in my life right now is compiling in a way I haven't seen before. I am responsible, but there is such a thing as in over one's head- and I am walking that line very, very carefully.
I am trying to take care of myself. I don't understand how so many people survive the do-more mentality that is this life. I have a number of things that I have simply not been doing because the amount of neccesary responsibilities I have creates such a vaccum that I don't seem to have the energy left at the end of the day. Sure, there's plenty I SHOULD be doing, but I can't bring myself to burn out again over things that don't matter.
A friend of mine brought up the idea of acupuncture. While it was almost a shock to have the suggestion come from that particular person (grumpy and set in his ways as he is), it was something I was a little surprised I hadn't thought of myself. I'm in South Korea. If this isn't a good place to look into holistic/Eastern medicine, I don't know what is. I've asked a friend with a Korean girlfriend to ask about any local, clean accupuncture shops.
I've been taking motrin, glucosamine chondroitin (think osteo biflex), vitamin C and my happy pill every day. I should not feel this miserable.
I am not letting whatever this deal is ruin me.
I'm not going to turn back into the person I finally got rid of.
I didn't like her, and she's not coming back.
It may be a struggle, but it's not one I'm willing to lose.
I've come too damn far to fall back now.
If anyone is curious about the title of this blog, it's actually also the title of my favorite hymn. Before I get a dozen comments saying 'I thought you weren't Christian?'- I'm not.
If I have to pick a brand of faith, it will be Baha'i, however, I still do not feel the need to cling to a name to prove my belief.
I have faith, and a relationship with my creator.
...But that's another blog all together.
Physically, I feel broken.
Emotionally, I feel tired.
I have never been more grateful for my true friends and for the man I am set to marry.
If it weren't for the people who have my back, I would not be handling things this well right now.
Hard work has never scared me, especially where my patients are concerned. My patients are the reason I do this job, and I am thankful for them.
However, the amount of last-minute changes and stressors in my life right now is compiling in a way I haven't seen before. I am responsible, but there is such a thing as in over one's head- and I am walking that line very, very carefully.
I am trying to take care of myself. I don't understand how so many people survive the do-more mentality that is this life. I have a number of things that I have simply not been doing because the amount of neccesary responsibilities I have creates such a vaccum that I don't seem to have the energy left at the end of the day. Sure, there's plenty I SHOULD be doing, but I can't bring myself to burn out again over things that don't matter.
A friend of mine brought up the idea of acupuncture. While it was almost a shock to have the suggestion come from that particular person (grumpy and set in his ways as he is), it was something I was a little surprised I hadn't thought of myself. I'm in South Korea. If this isn't a good place to look into holistic/Eastern medicine, I don't know what is. I've asked a friend with a Korean girlfriend to ask about any local, clean accupuncture shops.
I've been taking motrin, glucosamine chondroitin (think osteo biflex), vitamin C and my happy pill every day. I should not feel this miserable.
I am not letting whatever this deal is ruin me.
I'm not going to turn back into the person I finally got rid of.
I didn't like her, and she's not coming back.
It may be a struggle, but it's not one I'm willing to lose.
I've come too damn far to fall back now.
If anyone is curious about the title of this blog, it's actually also the title of my favorite hymn. Before I get a dozen comments saying 'I thought you weren't Christian?'- I'm not.
If I have to pick a brand of faith, it will be Baha'i, however, I still do not feel the need to cling to a name to prove my belief.
I have faith, and a relationship with my creator.
...But that's another blog all together.
Monday, September 14, 2009
15 Minutes
I am doing what I do best today: running this shiat.
Everyone's at training or this that or the other today, so only periodically does someone from the chain come back here. That's fine with me, I seem to be most productive when there's no one around to get in my way.
After a wild morning, more than a few 'WTF you thinking, Specialist?' looks and a few very Monday-like hours, I have put myself on a 15 minute break. I haven't blogged in... how long has it been now? I don't know, but the most recent ones certainly were not done from work. I've been very, very busy. It's great to know I'm needed, but, dang.
So, this weekend was probably one of the most tiring and negatively eventful in my time here. There were some positives, but most of it was riddled with PTSD-triggering events and struggling with myself about how to handle some things that have been bothering me. I'm doing okay today, all things considered. Every once in a while, when things start closing in on me, I have to remind myself that I'm working outside of my MOS, way above my pay grade, with very little experience on either part, and I'm really doing a pretty good job at it. There's some people who are simply asking too much of me right now, and they may or may not like how I choose to handle the things they ask of me, but I'd rather be corrected or, at worst, counseled, which seems doubtful, than start feeling my sanity slip away from me again. I'm lucky enough to have a fiance who is far, far more patient than I am, and some really great friends who have my back, even if it takes some of them some time to realize who they are and why they behave the way they do at times. I am grateful for having the kind of friend who texts me in the middle of the night when they realize I'm still awake, and invites me over so I don't have to be alone- even if we both had to be up in only a few more hours. I'm grateful for having the type of friends who, when I see them for the first time in ages at the PX, are still very kind and willing to sit there and listen to me rant about work over lunch, even though they're having a rough day, too. I'm grateful for having a fiance who wakes up when the phone ring and listens to me go off about work, about the evil soldier that came in and made a mess of my day, about the way that guy talked about me, or anything else that comes to my mind as needing to be vented about- even though he probably only really understands about 60% of what I'm upset about, anyway. I'm grateful to have a dad who loves me and tells me he's proud of me, no matter how pissy my emails to him must sound sometimes. I'm grateful to have a best friend who doesn't care that we're on opposite sides of the planet, and appreciates me even when I call her at crazy hours to freak the hell out. I'm grateful for the weird way the band Everclear always seems to put me back on an even keel when I'm having a bad day, even though I can never figure out why exactly it does.
Things aren't even close to easy right now.
This, too, shall pass, though, and I have all the means possible to rise and overcome.
What more do I need?
Everyone's at training or this that or the other today, so only periodically does someone from the chain come back here. That's fine with me, I seem to be most productive when there's no one around to get in my way.
After a wild morning, more than a few 'WTF you thinking, Specialist?' looks and a few very Monday-like hours, I have put myself on a 15 minute break. I haven't blogged in... how long has it been now? I don't know, but the most recent ones certainly were not done from work. I've been very, very busy. It's great to know I'm needed, but, dang.
So, this weekend was probably one of the most tiring and negatively eventful in my time here. There were some positives, but most of it was riddled with PTSD-triggering events and struggling with myself about how to handle some things that have been bothering me. I'm doing okay today, all things considered. Every once in a while, when things start closing in on me, I have to remind myself that I'm working outside of my MOS, way above my pay grade, with very little experience on either part, and I'm really doing a pretty good job at it. There's some people who are simply asking too much of me right now, and they may or may not like how I choose to handle the things they ask of me, but I'd rather be corrected or, at worst, counseled, which seems doubtful, than start feeling my sanity slip away from me again. I'm lucky enough to have a fiance who is far, far more patient than I am, and some really great friends who have my back, even if it takes some of them some time to realize who they are and why they behave the way they do at times. I am grateful for having the kind of friend who texts me in the middle of the night when they realize I'm still awake, and invites me over so I don't have to be alone- even if we both had to be up in only a few more hours. I'm grateful for having the type of friends who, when I see them for the first time in ages at the PX, are still very kind and willing to sit there and listen to me rant about work over lunch, even though they're having a rough day, too. I'm grateful for having a fiance who wakes up when the phone ring and listens to me go off about work, about the evil soldier that came in and made a mess of my day, about the way that guy talked about me, or anything else that comes to my mind as needing to be vented about- even though he probably only really understands about 60% of what I'm upset about, anyway. I'm grateful to have a dad who loves me and tells me he's proud of me, no matter how pissy my emails to him must sound sometimes. I'm grateful to have a best friend who doesn't care that we're on opposite sides of the planet, and appreciates me even when I call her at crazy hours to freak the hell out. I'm grateful for the weird way the band Everclear always seems to put me back on an even keel when I'm having a bad day, even though I can never figure out why exactly it does.
Things aren't even close to easy right now.
This, too, shall pass, though, and I have all the means possible to rise and overcome.
What more do I need?
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
Just Drive
It's time to begin my short, if hectic, work week.
I'm honestly looking forward to it, which is weird, but kind of nice.
I feel like I'm making progress in my life as a whole these days, and that's been a struggle for a long time.
I'm honestly looking forward to it, which is weird, but kind of nice.
I feel like I'm making progress in my life as a whole these days, and that's been a struggle for a long time.
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
At Ease, You!
This entry is brought to you by the color infantry blue.
I went to bed at 6 this morning, after struggling with last night's events and their implications for many hours. I also, unfortunately, missed SSG Bradley's farewell. I'm sad that I didn't remember that.
Today was very quiet. I got up late, called my fiance for a while, ate and hung out with a friend of mine. It was nice just relaxing and watching movies with someone, and being able to sit and talk to someone for hours at a time, without it getting dull or conflicting. I needed the peaceful day today, honestly.
Tomorrow is back to work, and it's a short week. It's odd, but I'm actually looking forward to being back in my clinic-mostly, I think, because it truly has become MY clinic over these last couple weeks. It is keeping me very, very busy, but I am earning my keep if ever I have, and really running the show. I am enjoying it more than I realized I would, honestly. I really enjoy being busy, and especially being in charge. There's really no one working under me right now, but I am still the one running it all.
I miss Ryan dearly, as always. I am looking forward to October when the ring he designed for me will be ready, and January when we will be getting married.
A lot of my goals have changed recently. I suppose it's the "responsible" thing to do to go M6 and green to gold, but the more I thought about it, the more Ryan and I, and Iman and I, and my daddy and I, talked about it... It's not what's going to make me happy, it really isn't. It's a great ideal, but I'm going to be miserable, at least for the next several years, so far as my career goes. I just can't be okay with that.
I went to bed at 6 this morning, after struggling with last night's events and their implications for many hours. I also, unfortunately, missed SSG Bradley's farewell. I'm sad that I didn't remember that.
Today was very quiet. I got up late, called my fiance for a while, ate and hung out with a friend of mine. It was nice just relaxing and watching movies with someone, and being able to sit and talk to someone for hours at a time, without it getting dull or conflicting. I needed the peaceful day today, honestly.
Tomorrow is back to work, and it's a short week. It's odd, but I'm actually looking forward to being back in my clinic-mostly, I think, because it truly has become MY clinic over these last couple weeks. It is keeping me very, very busy, but I am earning my keep if ever I have, and really running the show. I am enjoying it more than I realized I would, honestly. I really enjoy being busy, and especially being in charge. There's really no one working under me right now, but I am still the one running it all.
I miss Ryan dearly, as always. I am looking forward to October when the ring he designed for me will be ready, and January when we will be getting married.
A lot of my goals have changed recently. I suppose it's the "responsible" thing to do to go M6 and green to gold, but the more I thought about it, the more Ryan and I, and Iman and I, and my daddy and I, talked about it... It's not what's going to make me happy, it really isn't. It's a great ideal, but I'm going to be miserable, at least for the next several years, so far as my career goes. I just can't be okay with that.
Love And Light And Things That Aren't Alright
I am truly blessed to have these people in my life. All my friends, my family, my fiance, these soldiers who have become my extended family, the civilians who could never be anything less to me than family... I am all too aware of how rare beautiful people like the ones I have in my life really are. I am truly honored to know each and every one of those people I am able to call friends or family.
Tonight I am hurting. My body may ache, but I do not feel it, as the hurt in my heart echoes so deeply.
I don't know who she is, or where she came from.
Her heritage was Japanese, if I am correct.
I am ashamed to say I assumed she was a juicy girl at first glance.
Maybe she is.
Maybe she was.
She wasn't sober, but more than most of me believes it had nothing to do with alcohol. I think she was on some sort of drug, though which one is anyone's guess.
X maybe?
She threw herself at anyone who would pay attention to her.
She threw herself at me.
She wasn't okay, but I didn't stop anything. I don't know what was going on, or who she knew, or where she was from or who she was with, or if she was alone.
I say was, because if I ever see this girl alive again, I have a feeling it may be due to an interaction of God.
She left with a Korean male, after leaving twice with others, but not making it to the street before coming back.
She wasn't okay.
She nearly passed out.
He was with our group.
He's a G.I.
He lives in my building.
He said he wouldn't care if she was passed out, he'd do the same.
He wasn't with her. He didn't do it. Maybe he was bluffing.
...But he admitted he'd rape her.
This girl could have been anyone's mom or sister, friend, cousin, daughter, battle buddy....
And there was nothing I could do to stop this, or find out what was going on.
Someone I've seen almost daily for months said it didn't matter to him if a girl was passed out or not.
Who says these things?
Who thinks these things?
I've been through too much to just let it go.
It took a lot of self control not to turn on him completely when he said it.
Some part of me knows that, the first chance I get, I will speak to him about this.
Even if he doesn't want to hear what I have to say.
Someone needs to.
I can only pray that the anger and hurt in my heart subsides.
And pray that this young woman sees daylight without any harm having been brought to her.
Tonight I am hurting. My body may ache, but I do not feel it, as the hurt in my heart echoes so deeply.
I don't know who she is, or where she came from.
Her heritage was Japanese, if I am correct.
I am ashamed to say I assumed she was a juicy girl at first glance.
Maybe she is.
Maybe she was.
She wasn't sober, but more than most of me believes it had nothing to do with alcohol. I think she was on some sort of drug, though which one is anyone's guess.
X maybe?
She threw herself at anyone who would pay attention to her.
She threw herself at me.
She wasn't okay, but I didn't stop anything. I don't know what was going on, or who she knew, or where she was from or who she was with, or if she was alone.
I say was, because if I ever see this girl alive again, I have a feeling it may be due to an interaction of God.
She left with a Korean male, after leaving twice with others, but not making it to the street before coming back.
She wasn't okay.
She nearly passed out.
He was with our group.
He's a G.I.
He lives in my building.
He said he wouldn't care if she was passed out, he'd do the same.
He wasn't with her. He didn't do it. Maybe he was bluffing.
...But he admitted he'd rape her.
This girl could have been anyone's mom or sister, friend, cousin, daughter, battle buddy....
And there was nothing I could do to stop this, or find out what was going on.
Someone I've seen almost daily for months said it didn't matter to him if a girl was passed out or not.
Who says these things?
Who thinks these things?
I've been through too much to just let it go.
It took a lot of self control not to turn on him completely when he said it.
Some part of me knows that, the first chance I get, I will speak to him about this.
Even if he doesn't want to hear what I have to say.
Someone needs to.
I can only pray that the anger and hurt in my heart subsides.
And pray that this young woman sees daylight without any harm having been brought to her.
Monday, September 07, 2009
Motivation
"False motivation is better than no motivation."
I have no idea when the first time I heard that was, but it's been said many times by many people- especially when it comes to the Army. I love the Army, personally, but there's plenty who do their time n go home. This quote, however pessimistic in nature, is nothing less than true. It's plenty applicable to the civilian world, too. I've learned- often the hard way- that there's plenty of things I'm going to have to do, whether or not I like it.
I have to do WHAT?! Alright, Boss Man wants it done this way, so we're going to have to do it one way or the other. Get it done, and charlie mike- continue mission.
More than half the orders I've been given since I've been in the Army didn't make a lick of sense to me at the time. About sixty percent of those never did make sense to me. That forty percent, though, is what I try to keep in mind. Why? Because I get really, really tired of hearing people whine about something they're just going to have to do one way or another, and I try (not always succeed, but try) to not put other people through the same thing. The initial "WTF?!" is one thing, but when you're clearing out an entire room, or moving a whole lot of stuff that you're going to have to move right back, well, that's a lot of time to be negative. I'm all set with that.
Lately, I've been pretty lucky. I've been busting my butt in general- some things, yes, are getting neglected, but I'm trying. I need to be studying for the board way more than I have been. I should be doing PT on my own more during these long weekends. I should probably have gotten more cleaning done, and have this whole skirt thing figured out by now. I have, however, been running a clinic and, if I do say so myself, doing a pretty outstanding job of it, all things considered. There's more to these things than I knew there were, but I'm doing a pretty good job of using my networking skills to fill the gaps of what I haven't been able to manage on my own. I'm a young soldier- but the fact that I can say that and not flinch or catapault myself into an explanation of all the time I've been around the Army, and why I'm not "really" a young soldier says a lot for how far I've come. There's a lot to learn. I started my career feeling like I was ahead of the game, and was going to be Sergeant Major of the Army someday. Now, well, I'm looking at all these trees and realizing, hey, I'm in a forest. I still may very well retire from the Army. Outside of working for the carnival, this is the best job I've ever had, and I enjoy every second of it- well, almost every second. However, it's more important to me that I take care of my soldiers and my family than make it to the top. These soldiers, this family, they are my motivation, and without them, I couldn't ever make it to the top. Priorities!
I have no idea when the first time I heard that was, but it's been said many times by many people- especially when it comes to the Army. I love the Army, personally, but there's plenty who do their time n go home. This quote, however pessimistic in nature, is nothing less than true. It's plenty applicable to the civilian world, too. I've learned- often the hard way- that there's plenty of things I'm going to have to do, whether or not I like it.
I have to do WHAT?! Alright, Boss Man wants it done this way, so we're going to have to do it one way or the other. Get it done, and charlie mike- continue mission.
More than half the orders I've been given since I've been in the Army didn't make a lick of sense to me at the time. About sixty percent of those never did make sense to me. That forty percent, though, is what I try to keep in mind. Why? Because I get really, really tired of hearing people whine about something they're just going to have to do one way or another, and I try (not always succeed, but try) to not put other people through the same thing. The initial "WTF?!" is one thing, but when you're clearing out an entire room, or moving a whole lot of stuff that you're going to have to move right back, well, that's a lot of time to be negative. I'm all set with that.
Lately, I've been pretty lucky. I've been busting my butt in general- some things, yes, are getting neglected, but I'm trying. I need to be studying for the board way more than I have been. I should be doing PT on my own more during these long weekends. I should probably have gotten more cleaning done, and have this whole skirt thing figured out by now. I have, however, been running a clinic and, if I do say so myself, doing a pretty outstanding job of it, all things considered. There's more to these things than I knew there were, but I'm doing a pretty good job of using my networking skills to fill the gaps of what I haven't been able to manage on my own. I'm a young soldier- but the fact that I can say that and not flinch or catapault myself into an explanation of all the time I've been around the Army, and why I'm not "really" a young soldier says a lot for how far I've come. There's a lot to learn. I started my career feeling like I was ahead of the game, and was going to be Sergeant Major of the Army someday. Now, well, I'm looking at all these trees and realizing, hey, I'm in a forest. I still may very well retire from the Army. Outside of working for the carnival, this is the best job I've ever had, and I enjoy every second of it- well, almost every second. However, it's more important to me that I take care of my soldiers and my family than make it to the top. These soldiers, this family, they are my motivation, and without them, I couldn't ever make it to the top. Priorities!
Saturday, September 05, 2009
LDRSHIP
LOYALTY
DUTY
RESPECT
SELFLESS SERVICE
HONOR
INTEGRITY
PERSONAL COURAGE
Someone told me that the best leaders are the ones who question themselves, and if they deserve to lead. I don't know if this is something that strikes most folks as untrue, or if it's simply something I haven't come to the point of understanding yet, but I am frustrated with it. I am working hard right now, but I don't see myself as being a leader, or as being someone who stands out amongst my peers. I have always been my own worst critic, but I can't help but think that there must be something I need to be doing better, because the level I'm at just doesn't seem good enough. Don't get me wrong, I've seen people in leadership positions do some things since I've been here that I would never attempt- married NCO's messing around with privates, all sorts of unnecessary sorts of things. However, not being a complete moron simply does not constitute a leader. I'm at a cross roads right now. I am preparing to reenlist. I have the option to reenlist for M6 school, get my LPN, which would, in theory, end up with me getting my BS in nursing, and going green to gold-- or--- I could simply reenlist for duty station of choice, and, hopefully spend some time with my soon-to-be husband before I face deployment and prove myself on the battlefield. I don't know what is the right choice. I want to be a line medic, I love my patients, my soldiers, but I also love the thought of making a better future for my family. I know I will be miserable going back into TRADOC, and I don't think I'll be happy as a nurse in the army, either, but I have no interest in PA school. A nurse in the civilian sector would pretty much be a dream come true, but the two are complete opposites in most cases.
Then there's the Gypsy blood in me that says 'Just sign the damn papers, and let's go where the wind takes us...'
I'm just not sure what the right answer is.
I'm not sure I'll be a good leader when my time comes, and I'm not sure what the best thing for me, my career, and my family is.
DUTY
RESPECT
SELFLESS SERVICE
HONOR
INTEGRITY
PERSONAL COURAGE
Someone told me that the best leaders are the ones who question themselves, and if they deserve to lead. I don't know if this is something that strikes most folks as untrue, or if it's simply something I haven't come to the point of understanding yet, but I am frustrated with it. I am working hard right now, but I don't see myself as being a leader, or as being someone who stands out amongst my peers. I have always been my own worst critic, but I can't help but think that there must be something I need to be doing better, because the level I'm at just doesn't seem good enough. Don't get me wrong, I've seen people in leadership positions do some things since I've been here that I would never attempt- married NCO's messing around with privates, all sorts of unnecessary sorts of things. However, not being a complete moron simply does not constitute a leader. I'm at a cross roads right now. I am preparing to reenlist. I have the option to reenlist for M6 school, get my LPN, which would, in theory, end up with me getting my BS in nursing, and going green to gold-- or--- I could simply reenlist for duty station of choice, and, hopefully spend some time with my soon-to-be husband before I face deployment and prove myself on the battlefield. I don't know what is the right choice. I want to be a line medic, I love my patients, my soldiers, but I also love the thought of making a better future for my family. I know I will be miserable going back into TRADOC, and I don't think I'll be happy as a nurse in the army, either, but I have no interest in PA school. A nurse in the civilian sector would pretty much be a dream come true, but the two are complete opposites in most cases.
Then there's the Gypsy blood in me that says 'Just sign the damn papers, and let's go where the wind takes us...'
I'm just not sure what the right answer is.
I'm not sure I'll be a good leader when my time comes, and I'm not sure what the best thing for me, my career, and my family is.
Friday, September 04, 2009
Pain Watering The Seeds
I don't have much time, and I hope I will have more this afternoon, but it seems unlikely.
Today has been a madhouse.
I am still diggining into my past to find out more about who I am, and why I am who I am.
This is not an easy process, and there are plenty of people who are none too accepting of my decision to do what it takes to make me okay again. I love my family- including my mother and sister, if there's any question- and I am grateful to have them. However, this isn't Full House or Family Matters. This is real life, and in real life things don't always work as we think they should, and certain types of relationships can take unconventional measures to manage or maintain. I can't allow everyone in my life to take the space in my life they think is appropriate, because I simply would not have enough left over for me. Personalities conflict, and problems arise. This does not mean I love anyone any less, it means I am doing what I must to take care of myself, and attempting to keep the problems to a minimum. I realize it doesn't always look this way from the outside, but this is the truth of the matter.
I have not been okay in a very long time.
Lately, I have gone from a complete wreck to the best I can be.
I have unconventional ways of handling an unconventional life.
I know that I'm going to want to yell at someone on a daily basis.
I know that some times, I'm just going to have to write things down so they won't come out of my mouth without asking for the authorization to do so.
I know that the last night before my week starts, I'm probably going to need to cry before I go to bed, or the sadness that seems to come from no where will spill over into my work week.
I know that when things feel way out of my control, I need to take a shower and freak out a little bit in private so that I don't freak out a lot in public.
I know that there are a few people I can talk to about absolutely anything, and there is simply no end to my gratitude for those people- my husband-to-be is one of them, thankfully.
I have a good life, and a beautiful heart. I do the best I can, and anyone who doesn't believe that shouldn't waste their time with me, because I certainly won't waste my time on them.
I will write more when I'm able.
Today has been a madhouse.
I am still diggining into my past to find out more about who I am, and why I am who I am.
This is not an easy process, and there are plenty of people who are none too accepting of my decision to do what it takes to make me okay again. I love my family- including my mother and sister, if there's any question- and I am grateful to have them. However, this isn't Full House or Family Matters. This is real life, and in real life things don't always work as we think they should, and certain types of relationships can take unconventional measures to manage or maintain. I can't allow everyone in my life to take the space in my life they think is appropriate, because I simply would not have enough left over for me. Personalities conflict, and problems arise. This does not mean I love anyone any less, it means I am doing what I must to take care of myself, and attempting to keep the problems to a minimum. I realize it doesn't always look this way from the outside, but this is the truth of the matter.
I have not been okay in a very long time.
Lately, I have gone from a complete wreck to the best I can be.
I have unconventional ways of handling an unconventional life.
I know that I'm going to want to yell at someone on a daily basis.
I know that some times, I'm just going to have to write things down so they won't come out of my mouth without asking for the authorization to do so.
I know that the last night before my week starts, I'm probably going to need to cry before I go to bed, or the sadness that seems to come from no where will spill over into my work week.
I know that when things feel way out of my control, I need to take a shower and freak out a little bit in private so that I don't freak out a lot in public.
I know that there are a few people I can talk to about absolutely anything, and there is simply no end to my gratitude for those people- my husband-to-be is one of them, thankfully.
I have a good life, and a beautiful heart. I do the best I can, and anyone who doesn't believe that shouldn't waste their time with me, because I certainly won't waste my time on them.
I will write more when I'm able.
Thursday, September 03, 2009
Doubting Fear
Illuminated Mind has some incredible points today that just hit home in a big way.
"If it's not working... Doubt yourself" is the title of today's tidibt, and I'm a big fan.
A couple years ago, I was certain Ryan was someone I could never have. He's a tattoo artist, with a Rock Star personality- not to mention talent. I'm marrying Ryan in less than six months.
If I had never doubted what I was, at one point, certain of, I would have made that miserable conclusion a miserable reality. By doubting myself, I allowed a beautiful thing to come into my life and blossom. Those nights that I wrote him from basic training, miserable, and wanting nothing more than I wanted him, I doubted what I'd been sure of weeks before. I let the seed plant itself.
I was sure I'd never survive basic training, never mind manage AIT and become a real medic. Oh no, not me. Not only did I do it, I spent a long time in training, and survived more than many of my counterparts would have without ever getting in trouble. I doubted what I knew I couldn't do. I doubted what I knew about my own limits.
I was sure I'd never survive my divorce. Oh, the heartbreak! The man I'd leaned on, cried to, cried over, and cried for was no longer mine. The man I'd been through hell with and for, and who I put through hell. That day that I loaded everything I owned, including two less-than-travel-savvy cats into my little red dodge neon and headed for Georgia, I had never driven more than 2 hours by myself. I was sure it was going to be a disaster. I was sure I'd fall on my face. I was sure I'd never manage. I puked the morning I left. I was terrified. I was sure I was bringing myself to my own end. Some part of me, though, doubted that weakness- and I managed to rise and overcome. And would you look at me now? Some of the best things that ever happened to me came out of getting in that car that day, scared as I was. I found my sealegs that day, and nothing can shake me now- not like it did then.
People tell me to be confident, be sure of myself. Why? Look how far doubting myself has gotten me.
"If it's not working... Doubt yourself" is the title of today's tidibt, and I'm a big fan.
A couple years ago, I was certain Ryan was someone I could never have. He's a tattoo artist, with a Rock Star personality- not to mention talent. I'm marrying Ryan in less than six months.
If I had never doubted what I was, at one point, certain of, I would have made that miserable conclusion a miserable reality. By doubting myself, I allowed a beautiful thing to come into my life and blossom. Those nights that I wrote him from basic training, miserable, and wanting nothing more than I wanted him, I doubted what I'd been sure of weeks before. I let the seed plant itself.
I was sure I'd never survive basic training, never mind manage AIT and become a real medic. Oh no, not me. Not only did I do it, I spent a long time in training, and survived more than many of my counterparts would have without ever getting in trouble. I doubted what I knew I couldn't do. I doubted what I knew about my own limits.
I was sure I'd never survive my divorce. Oh, the heartbreak! The man I'd leaned on, cried to, cried over, and cried for was no longer mine. The man I'd been through hell with and for, and who I put through hell. That day that I loaded everything I owned, including two less-than-travel-savvy cats into my little red dodge neon and headed for Georgia, I had never driven more than 2 hours by myself. I was sure it was going to be a disaster. I was sure I'd fall on my face. I was sure I'd never manage. I puked the morning I left. I was terrified. I was sure I was bringing myself to my own end. Some part of me, though, doubted that weakness- and I managed to rise and overcome. And would you look at me now? Some of the best things that ever happened to me came out of getting in that car that day, scared as I was. I found my sealegs that day, and nothing can shake me now- not like it did then.
People tell me to be confident, be sure of myself. Why? Look how far doubting myself has gotten me.
Quotage Quota
"Doing nothing is very hard to do... you never know when you're finished." -Leslie Nielsen
(That set off an entire chain of thoughts about why I have such a hard time relaxing...)
"California is a fine place to live- if you happen to be an orange." -Fred Allen
('Nuff said.)
"I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education." -Wilson Mizner
(He's got a point.)
"There are two ways to pass a hurdle: leaping over or plowing through... There needs to be a monster truck option." -Jeph Jacques
(I LOVE THIS GUY!!!)
"When I took office, only high energy physcissts had ever heard of what is called the Worldwide Web... Now even my cat has it's own page." -Bill Clinton
(Bill Clinton's pussy cat has it's own page... *Insert Monica joke here*)
((Above thanks to Quote Of The Day))
(That set off an entire chain of thoughts about why I have such a hard time relaxing...)
"California is a fine place to live- if you happen to be an orange." -Fred Allen
('Nuff said.)
"I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education." -Wilson Mizner
(He's got a point.)
"There are two ways to pass a hurdle: leaping over or plowing through... There needs to be a monster truck option." -Jeph Jacques
(I LOVE THIS GUY!!!)
"When I took office, only high energy physcissts had ever heard of what is called the Worldwide Web... Now even my cat has it's own page." -Bill Clinton
(Bill Clinton's pussy cat has it's own page... *Insert Monica joke here*)
((Above thanks to Quote Of The Day))
Day Dream Believer
It's been just a little over a month that Ryan and I have been engaged.
It's been more years than I care to think about that I've known him.
This man is just about as stuck as a person can get.
I'm homesick like crazy lately, and it amazes me that it took me 9 months to realize I'd miss this place, and 4 more to get homesick. I'll be back in Maine in January to get married, and I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to that, and then it'll be back here til July. I feel like a supremely Hooah zombie most days- I push myself through everything without thinking about it much, because I know I'll get to go home for a couple weeks in a few months. It feels really good to have someone that I know will have my back come hell or high water. Ryan has been there for me for years. Being in a relationship with him has given me a new perspective on everything he's done for me already, and given me some insight as to exactly how scared I should be of whatever this man's got up his sleeve next.
I'm worn out most of the time lately, I can only assume it's from the amount I've gotten accomplished at the clinic these last few days. I have a lot on my plate right now. I could really use a massage and a nice long nap right now, but it seems unlikely.
It's been more years than I care to think about that I've known him.
This man is just about as stuck as a person can get.
I'm homesick like crazy lately, and it amazes me that it took me 9 months to realize I'd miss this place, and 4 more to get homesick. I'll be back in Maine in January to get married, and I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to that, and then it'll be back here til July. I feel like a supremely Hooah zombie most days- I push myself through everything without thinking about it much, because I know I'll get to go home for a couple weeks in a few months. It feels really good to have someone that I know will have my back come hell or high water. Ryan has been there for me for years. Being in a relationship with him has given me a new perspective on everything he's done for me already, and given me some insight as to exactly how scared I should be of whatever this man's got up his sleeve next.
I'm worn out most of the time lately, I can only assume it's from the amount I've gotten accomplished at the clinic these last few days. I have a lot on my plate right now. I could really use a massage and a nice long nap right now, but it seems unlikely.
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
Don't Look At Me (I'm Right Here!)
So, Siren has some interesting points today. The article itself is about stripping and the 'sex work is feminism' attitude. However, the part that I found most interesting was at the end. The conclusion was that it comes right back to the virgin vs. whore attitude.
It sounds old-fashioned, but it's still true today.
A woman is labled one way or the other.
"Virginity has been replaced with invisibility. I do not want to be invisible, but to ask to be looked at is to risk being labeled, for lack of a better word, a slut."
This is a struggle I find myself facing frequently.
I am outgoing, friendly, talkative, and I absolutely adore my guy friends.
Perception, however, is EVERYTHING.
If I do what makes me happy, I am labeled a slut.
If I do what is considered by many to be 'right' for a woman to do, I am invisible, not to mention very unhappy.
This is not an attitude I want my children to experience.
I will not have a daughter afraid to be herself because people might think bad things about her for being honest and open with who she is. I am a clown, I like being a clown, I like knowing everyone and being outspoken. I will afford my children the same options by refusing to allow them that control over me.
It sounds old-fashioned, but it's still true today.
A woman is labled one way or the other.
"Virginity has been replaced with invisibility. I do not want to be invisible, but to ask to be looked at is to risk being labeled, for lack of a better word, a slut."
This is a struggle I find myself facing frequently.
I am outgoing, friendly, talkative, and I absolutely adore my guy friends.
Perception, however, is EVERYTHING.
If I do what makes me happy, I am labeled a slut.
If I do what is considered by many to be 'right' for a woman to do, I am invisible, not to mention very unhappy.
This is not an attitude I want my children to experience.
I will not have a daughter afraid to be herself because people might think bad things about her for being honest and open with who she is. I am a clown, I like being a clown, I like knowing everyone and being outspoken. I will afford my children the same options by refusing to allow them that control over me.
The Zoo Keeper
I was reading my friend Ashton's blog, and one of his comments was something along the lines of 'joining the wild animals and leaving the zoo behind'- referring to working for someone else vs working for yourself. It's an interesting analogy.
It's funny to see someone talk about the Army as a limiting career. I have seen people restricted by the Army- but mostly those who would be limited in any profession. I suppose that sounds a little harsh, but, perhaps that is due to my personal definition of restriction. Some people hate filling out leave forms to go out of the area, or being on call, or the thought of deployments. Personally, a job with free medical and dental that allows me the opportunity to go to schools to jump out of airplanes, or to do nearly any profession I can imagine, as well as free college, constant opportunity for advancement, and many opportunities to travel to places I likely would not have ever seen had I not joined- well, I just can't see it as limiting. I think people can learn to be happy in any environment. Ashton cites this as almost a demanding, negative thing, but I love the Army, and, frankly, if one can choose to be happy, why shouldn't we? There's few jobs out there with the opportunities and, yes, Ashton, job security that mine has.
I tend to think folks can be happy in almost any situation given the right mindset. I'm not saying it's always easy, but with the proper motivation and tools, and one can make any situation work for them that could work against them.
This week, or the way it is going, at least, is a prime example. I am the entire clinic right now. As always, there is BOSS and Retention, CAPRS, my job as an eye tech, but now I am *it*. I am staying busy- I busted my butt this morning to make sure I was ready for the predicted influx of walk-ins this afternoon- and I am very tired- but, none the less, quite happy. I like my job, I am good at it, and I am productive and moving up. I am happy. Is it really that hard?
Anyway, I should talk to Ryan sometime in the next 24 hours, with any luck. I miss him dearly.
I had a conversation with a friend of mine the other day about step-parents and staying in one's own lane. I feel a little lost, I suppose, with this whole stepmother thing, but it was nice to hear that someone thought I was handling and viewing my role (or lack there of, really) appropriately. I look forward to having kids of my own, and I think having Karly and Josh around in general is pretty cool, but they have a mother, and, as my friend and I talked about, jealousy and/or causing trouble between one's spouse and the mother of their child(ren) is absolutely ridiculous. I suppose a lot of the perspective on my part comes from my security in my relationship, though- Ryan's had his fun. He's chosen to be with me. He loves his kids more than anything, and he takes care of them every way possible, and I, honestly, would never bother with him if he wasn't a good father to the children he has. It's pretty obvious how much he loves those two, though.
Regardless, I somehow went and fell in love with my crazy tattoo-artist musician friend, and, somehow, he loves me, too.
If that isn't lucky (or blessed), well, I just don't know what is.
It's funny to see someone talk about the Army as a limiting career. I have seen people restricted by the Army- but mostly those who would be limited in any profession. I suppose that sounds a little harsh, but, perhaps that is due to my personal definition of restriction. Some people hate filling out leave forms to go out of the area, or being on call, or the thought of deployments. Personally, a job with free medical and dental that allows me the opportunity to go to schools to jump out of airplanes, or to do nearly any profession I can imagine, as well as free college, constant opportunity for advancement, and many opportunities to travel to places I likely would not have ever seen had I not joined- well, I just can't see it as limiting. I think people can learn to be happy in any environment. Ashton cites this as almost a demanding, negative thing, but I love the Army, and, frankly, if one can choose to be happy, why shouldn't we? There's few jobs out there with the opportunities and, yes, Ashton, job security that mine has.
I tend to think folks can be happy in almost any situation given the right mindset. I'm not saying it's always easy, but with the proper motivation and tools, and one can make any situation work for them that could work against them.
This week, or the way it is going, at least, is a prime example. I am the entire clinic right now. As always, there is BOSS and Retention, CAPRS, my job as an eye tech, but now I am *it*. I am staying busy- I busted my butt this morning to make sure I was ready for the predicted influx of walk-ins this afternoon- and I am very tired- but, none the less, quite happy. I like my job, I am good at it, and I am productive and moving up. I am happy. Is it really that hard?
Anyway, I should talk to Ryan sometime in the next 24 hours, with any luck. I miss him dearly.
I had a conversation with a friend of mine the other day about step-parents and staying in one's own lane. I feel a little lost, I suppose, with this whole stepmother thing, but it was nice to hear that someone thought I was handling and viewing my role (or lack there of, really) appropriately. I look forward to having kids of my own, and I think having Karly and Josh around in general is pretty cool, but they have a mother, and, as my friend and I talked about, jealousy and/or causing trouble between one's spouse and the mother of their child(ren) is absolutely ridiculous. I suppose a lot of the perspective on my part comes from my security in my relationship, though- Ryan's had his fun. He's chosen to be with me. He loves his kids more than anything, and he takes care of them every way possible, and I, honestly, would never bother with him if he wasn't a good father to the children he has. It's pretty obvious how much he loves those two, though.
Regardless, I somehow went and fell in love with my crazy tattoo-artist musician friend, and, somehow, he loves me, too.
If that isn't lucky (or blessed), well, I just don't know what is.
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
Good Night, Sweetheart, Good Night...
I've proven myself wrong over the last few days.
I haven't gotten to speak to Ryan in a few days, as he's been otherwise occupied, and it's been driving me mad.
I had a dark couple days there, where I thought if something didn't happen, if I didn't hear from him, if something didn't change my mind, I'd surely give up.
I didn't.
Ryan is not like anyone else.
Neither am I.
I suppose it should be obvious, even to me, that this relationship wouldn't be like any other, either, but, clearly, this is something I am still learning.
It's taken me nearly five years to get this man to myself. It's almost ridiculous in retrospect, but things happen as they're meant to. It's all falling into place, it's all part of something still larger. I love him, there's just no denying that. Even with everything going on at work right now, he's so much of my drive, my motivation... It's amazing to me how much stronger I feel knowing that these things I do aren't just for my benefit. I'm going to be supporting my family soon- MY FAMILY. My husband. Eventually, my children, as well. I want to do the best I can for us, not just for me. I want Ryan to be proud of me, I want to make a better life for the both of us. I didn't think a stable, happy relationship could make my perspective change so drastically. Then again, I never thought there was anything better than the relationships I'd had before.
(Disclaimer for the civilian sector: I get that it's not JUST mine, but the possesive thing is a bit of a military trait.)
It wasn't that long ago that I had my heart broken pretty badly. I will never forget a certain New Yorker, but I know now that my life is happening exactly as it was intended, and that no shadow is cast without a light. I am truly blessed, and incredibly grateful, to be living this life. I have so much left to learn, but still have come so far...
I love you, Ryan.
I haven't gotten to speak to Ryan in a few days, as he's been otherwise occupied, and it's been driving me mad.
I had a dark couple days there, where I thought if something didn't happen, if I didn't hear from him, if something didn't change my mind, I'd surely give up.
I didn't.
Ryan is not like anyone else.
Neither am I.
I suppose it should be obvious, even to me, that this relationship wouldn't be like any other, either, but, clearly, this is something I am still learning.
It's taken me nearly five years to get this man to myself. It's almost ridiculous in retrospect, but things happen as they're meant to. It's all falling into place, it's all part of something still larger. I love him, there's just no denying that. Even with everything going on at work right now, he's so much of my drive, my motivation... It's amazing to me how much stronger I feel knowing that these things I do aren't just for my benefit. I'm going to be supporting my family soon- MY FAMILY. My husband. Eventually, my children, as well. I want to do the best I can for us, not just for me. I want Ryan to be proud of me, I want to make a better life for the both of us. I didn't think a stable, happy relationship could make my perspective change so drastically. Then again, I never thought there was anything better than the relationships I'd had before.
(Disclaimer for the civilian sector: I get that it's not JUST mine, but the possesive thing is a bit of a military trait.)
It wasn't that long ago that I had my heart broken pretty badly. I will never forget a certain New Yorker, but I know now that my life is happening exactly as it was intended, and that no shadow is cast without a light. I am truly blessed, and incredibly grateful, to be living this life. I have so much left to learn, but still have come so far...
I love you, Ryan.
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