No more hope, no more faith

I sit here alone at half past midnight, with no one left to call, and nothing left to hold onto. I can't continue to hurt people, I can't continue to wreck everyone's lives. I've done all I know how, perhaps sometimes giving up is not only the correct choice but the only choice? I've been living with this man for two weeks, and already seem to be causing more problems than one should ever be allowed to. I'm King Midas' long lost cousin- except everything I touch turns to shit. I don't know what I'll do, I don't know where I'll go. I suppose I'll have no choice but to move back to Maine. I don't ever want to fall in love again. I don't ever want to bear my heart, nor hurt anyone else's again. I just want to fade into the background of life and disappear. I don't make a difference, I fear I never will, and that is not something I am okay with...

Proper Care And Maintenence Of Your Brain

This is one area I seem to have all fouled up. My brain seems to be fighting me these days. Even when the words come easily, things just seem to be backfiring. Emotions are kinda off-kilter and I've been having crazy dreams and terrifying nightmares. I don't so much know what to make of it all. I'm scared about a lot of things, maybe it's just stress? I really couldn't say. I need to figure it out in short order, though, because I don't know how much longer I can deal with the dreams and nightmares and general weirdness. I'm getting pretty frustrated with it all.

So much

I've read so many stories, forwards, bulletins about God working in mysterious ways and people with touching stories. Surely all of them aren't true exactly as they're told, but there is always a truth in there if it touches someone. My heart is so full and my head so busy today. I spent last night lost in nightmares, some of them are the typical ones that replay in my brain randomly, others were new and none the less frightening. The first that stuck with me had me so startled it woke me, and I woke my boyfriend to hold me til I stopped shaking. He says he remembers me waking him up for this, though I don't know if he clearly remembers how badly I was shaken. Images have come easily to my sleep the past few nights, though I'm not entirely sure why that is happening just now. I don't dream often, you see, and when I do there is generally some message in it I should pay attention to. These images from the last few nights, though, I can not make sense of, and perhaps that unnerves me more than the frightening images themselves. I'm feeling a renewed sense of gratitude toward God for giving me Bear, or rather for leading me to him at this time in my life when I believe that I may finally have what it takes to hold on to what means the most. I pray I do. Truth be told, I've been praying more often since I've moved to Texas than I have in my entire life. I know I love this man, yet I still do what I've done for much too long. I nitpick in my mind, I play the grass-is-greener game far too often. It seems incredibly unlikely that I could ever be loved in this way by anyone else, yet still I wonder and I look, and I hate myself for it. Sometimes the smallest things about him get on my nerves, and it's so silly. He's so good to me, and I know he loves me as he says he does. He's more patient than any man in his right mind would be with me. I don't understand why nor how. I just pray that I learn more and more to be grateful for the gift of love that God gave me, rather than looking the proverbial gift horse in the mouth. Bear's a dork, but I couldn't handle him if he were too serious. He tries to be a know it all about entirely too many things he knows less about than he likes to think, but who doesn't? I need to learn patience, I need to learn gratitude. This man is so good to me, he loves me so much. I don't need to take such an attitude with him, and I just want so badly to be what he deserves instead of such an ungrateful bitch. I'm scared I'll simply hurt him, though... I don't like this person I struggle with so often.

An Opportunity To Be Strong

I watched Evan Almighty last night with Bear. There's a wonderful line in that movie. It explains that when someone prays for strength or patience, he doesn't just give them the strength or patience, he gives them the opportunity to be strong or patient. This line hit home with me as I've been sitting here contemplating my relationship with bear, and all the trials and issues that may come with it. I have been panicking as only I can about a relationship. I love this man, and I don't want to lose him. Being who I am, having the habits I have, I know that the things I am hoping will happen will take a great deal of work for me to make possible. I want to marry this man, I want to have his children. He is a soldier, and will, at one point or another, be deployed. I know all too well that this will be the fires of hell for me. I also know if a marriage can truly make it through a deployment in one piece that there is nothing it can't make it through. I don't claim to have made all the right choices in my life, but this is an opportunity to not only be with this man I love soooo much, but it is also a chance to prove that there is nothing I can't handle. This is an opportunity to be strong, to make a life with someone who's goals and hopes are the same as mine. We have big plans, and I couldn't be happier nor mor hopeful.

Lucky Woman

Wow, I love this man. He wasn't the slightest bit upset, and was so so cool about it. He's wonderful, truly. It wasn't any big deal at all. I can't imagine not loving a man this wonderful. I've made some seriously fucked up choices in my life (a great many of those screwing up relationships I was in) but... damn, how could someone get up the gumption to hurt someone like this? I know damn well this is the early honeymoon stage of this relationship and there's bound to be tough times, I mean if anyone understands that concept I do, but he's so understanding, so patient... We communicate really well. He's so sweet and kind and all without being a push over or clingy. His ex-wife and my ex-husband have a painful amount in common, so we understand each other quite well, but her I just dont understand. He married this woman, loved her, wanted to have kids with her, she could get pregnant the old fashioned way (and did- twice- and not by him) and he took care of her... I just don't understand why someone who has it all would just let it all go. He's got the tall-dark-and-handsome thing going for him, too... What I wouldn't give to have been the first love, first wife of someone this great and be able to get pregnant by enacting physical love... I don't understand how someone who has all that could let it go... Can't help but wonder if I'm missing something major with him, because I can't imagine why someone would walk away from this life....

Every which way but okay

So, I'm probably screwing things up in my head way more than they need to be cuz, damn, I feel like hell. My body hates me, I'm convinced.
I was supposed to go to see Bear in a ceremony today (he wasnt getting an award or anything, he was in the ceremony) and it took me forever to find parking and then I started to walk over towards the stands and everyone was looking at me weird and I realize there is not a single other civilian there. I turned around and booked it back to the car and home again. I'm emotional as hell today, I feel like crap physically and I'm tired as shit. Now I can add guilt to that list, because I'd told him I'd be there. I love this man so much and of all reasons to not do what I told him I would, it was stupid panic and nerves. Not good reasons in my book, and I'm embarrassed and feeling guilty, and have since I turned on my heel and headed back to the car. Knowing him, he'll be totally understanding and sweet and hug me and tell me it's okay, but there was nothing to be embarrassed about and/or that there were other civilians I must not have seen them, but I still feel awful cuz Im sure I let him down. Worst case scenario, he's having a rough day like I am and we have our first fight, and that would suck, but honestly, it'd be nice to get the first fight out of the way, because it'll happen eventually, and meanwhile I'm hanging in anticipation of it, and anticipation sucks. I hope he's not mad at me though....
I feel like hell, I just need to go bury my head in the sand or something. I have Bear's car for the day, since I've been going on n off post, so I'll be needing to pick him up for lunch. Thus, I don't want to go back to sleep (again) in case I conk out hard and miss his call. Talk about feeling guilty!

LOVE?!

Well, I've really gone and done it now. I've fallen in love. This is so damned scary- and so entirely not part of the plan. I told him I love him last night, and that is a story unto itself... We watched this preview for a movie coming out made my soldiers in Iraq, and the thought of him deploying again someday damn near made me sick... This isn't an impending situation, this is a someday eventually thing, and I freaked out. Hardcore. It was the utter, stabbing, gut-wrenching fear that made me realize that there was no way to force it back until the guidelines Id tried so hard to stick to could be followed. I looked at him and whispered the words that terrify me more than any others- those scary, weakening, damning words... We kind of stared at each other for a moment and then he got this really shocked, somewhat embarrassed look on his face, and said 'Baby, I'm not sure I heard you. What did you say?' I got so embarrassed, grabbed the first thing I saw that needed to go into the kitchen trash and attempted to make a beeline for the kitchen. He grabbed my legs and hung on for dear life as I laughed and tried to make it to the kitchen anyway. Right in front of our front door, where the kitchen tile meets the living room/hallway carpet, I hit the floor, laughing so hard tears came to my eyes. We lay there in hysterics for a few moments, then I pinned him to the floor and told him, once and for all, that I love him. We must both be insane, but it was the funniest, sweetest, and in a weird way, most romantic thing in the world to me. A few days ago, I had some country music playing on his laptop when he came home from work. I was in the bedroom doing something, and he came in. I gave him a hug, standing there in the doorway, and Paint Me A Birmingham came on. It's not really a falling-in-love song, it's more of a broken heart song, but next thing I knew, the two of us were dancing in the doorway of the bedroom to it. I smile every single time I think of it. He's just so ridiculously sweet. This morning he took a picture of me asleep. I get scared sometimes, and wonder if- or when- I'm going to get my heart broken by this man... Then he does the simplest, sweetest things that he thinks nothing of and I know he truly loves me. Last night I was lying with my head on his chest and my hand on his other shoulder, and, just about the time he started to snore quietly, he reached up, wrapped his fingers around my arm and just held on like he never wanted to let me go. He was asleep! How do you argue with the thought that even the parts of him that I dont see when hes awake want me there with him? I'm so lucky and so, so proud of him. This was never supposed to happen at all, much less this way... Damn it, though, I wouldn't change it for anything, even when I'm terrified.

Baptism

There are so many things in my past I'm unhappy with, so many things I'd like to forget, and to be forgiven for. I want to start this life over, do things the right way this time. I want to start a life of happiness and hope, and leave the one with the pain and anger behind me. I've always been a highly spirtual person, and, while I consider myself Unitarian Universalist these days, I think I want to be rebaptised, though I have no clue how to even go about it. This particular thought has been floating around my mind for ages, but has yet to find a conclusion.

Rebelle

I suppose it's weird that most of the news I know about comes from blogs rather than the television, radio, newspapers or media websites.
I've got entirely too much on my mind. There's been so much that's happened in the last two weeks. I've been in a constant state of flux since the x asked for a divorce, and it's been all for the better. Everything that's changed since that day has been positive, although it still tends to make my head spin how much has changed within me since all of that happened four months ago. I think alot of these things had to happen to get my head on straight, though many of the individual lessons learned were not in any way pleasant when I was going through them. I suppose that's to be expected.
Tomorrow is the decade anniversary of my stepdad's death. I don't know how to expect myself to react to this particular day. In the last ten years there's never been a single day I haven't thought about and missed this man. Yesterday was fathers day, tomorrows the ten year anniversary of his death. How is it possible it was ten years ago?
I wonder if he's proud of me, if he approves of the woman I've become. I wonder what he'd say if he was here. I miss him terribly. I hope, that with all the craziness and chaos in my life, that I have done right by him.

A Revolution Perhaps

I sit here in Killeen, Texas, in my boyfriend's apartment, with thoughts running through my head. The end of the 30-plus-hour-long trip from Maine to Texas came last night around one in the morning. Bear, my boyfriend, flew up to Maine to make the trip with me- and then got up this morning and went to work for five a.m. He's going to sleep like a baby tonight, no doubt. Life has been a rollercoaster ride lately. I lived in Georgia for a few months after the x asked for a divorce. I left Georgia a couple weeks ago, went to Maine briefly. I loved Georgia, but too much has happened and things got a little crazy while I was there. I learned a lot about people living there. Texas was a a pretty impulsive choice, but I don't think I'll regret it. I came to a lot of conclusions and understandings within myself recently, and really needed to start over in a place where my past wouldn't constantly haunt me. Here's to dancing on a deserted beach in the moonlight, and all the lessons and knowledge pain and anger have to offer us. Here's to silly notions of romance and glimpses of dreams in reality, even when they crash at your feet. Here's to the nights we will never forget and the days we never want to remember. More than anything, though, here's to the future and all the hope and promise it brings with it...