Dear God,
I'm lying here tonight, asking for your help. I ask for your help tonight, and throughout my week, to remain strong and confident, and not to ever give up. I ask for your help to remember what it means to be a medic- to always take care of those who depend on me, regardless of rank, title, position, or personal conflict, and without distraction from outside forces. I ask for your guidance this week, because there are so many things I'm still learning, and some of them only You can teach me.
I ask for your help to remain calm, and not let my past overtake my present. I am not what my life has been, I am who I decide today that I will be. I ask for your help in setting the standard, and being the good example, rather than the horrible warning. I ask for your help to remember to look at the hurdles as opportunities rather than obstacles. I have only to try to succeed, but first to remember this.
I am not in this world only for myself. I am a force who can hurt or heal, praise or scold, strengthen or weaken, build or destroy, move or stagnate. Please help me to always make the right decision. Please watch over my fiance, my family, my friends, my fellow soldiers, and all those who are simply trying to do the right thing.
Amen.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Drain
It seems I can no longer sleep without writing before I try.
Right now, I'm worn out emotionally. Sundays seem to roll around and I find myself sad every time. This week is not the exception. I am homesick, but that is only a small portion of it. Naturally, the news I was being moved again- though it was, in part, my choice- has an effect on me. I am more grateful than ever right now for Beth H, because she is the one person who I know will never, ever let me forget I have a place back home. Ryan is busy handling some things right now, and I am out of international minutes until tomorrow evening, at least, so we are temporarily out of touch. It's not painful for me not to speak to him, not like I'd expected, but I do remember how much I miss him when I can't hear his voice. Beth never seems to fail when it comes to popping up at exactly the right time- I got a comment from her earlier today that made me relax a little.
Over here, I am feeling displaced once again. I have been spending time with two guys here that are truly more like brothers to me than anything else, Geoff and Anthony, but part of me feels less like a woman hanging out with them. It's nice to be one of the guys, but sometimes that's the last thing I want to feel like. It's such a fine line.
I see pictures of people I used to spend time with doing things I would have loved to be invited along to do, and feel sad and abandoned. It's silly, but it's true. Knowing that I'll be moving soon just makes me wonder why I would bother getting attached or re-attached to people here, which doesn't help anything, of course. I miss home, and, right now, it's hard to remember that this place, and these people, aren't forever. I'm struggling tonight.
My friend Anthony tells me when I see Ryan again, it'll be just like old times, that everything's just going to fall right back into place, and be easier and better than I can imagine right now. I can only hope he's right. Some part of me knows that, while this relationship is the strongest I've ever had, we will fight, and I will hurt- and that part of me just keeps waiting for it. I've hurt so much in the past, and accepted enough less-than-the-standard relationships that I expect the worst somewhere deep in my heart. It's soothing to me to know that, when it comes to Ryan, a good serious argument is what I perceive as 'the worst' but still I worry.
This is fairly typical for a Sunday night, so I do not worry.
There are things I will be working on to keep my emotions and senses balanced, because logic, alone, does not put one at ease. This is going to be a trying week, without a doubt. I need to let go of the pain tonight, so tomorrow will be a fresh start.
Good night, my friends and family.
Right now, I'm worn out emotionally. Sundays seem to roll around and I find myself sad every time. This week is not the exception. I am homesick, but that is only a small portion of it. Naturally, the news I was being moved again- though it was, in part, my choice- has an effect on me. I am more grateful than ever right now for Beth H, because she is the one person who I know will never, ever let me forget I have a place back home. Ryan is busy handling some things right now, and I am out of international minutes until tomorrow evening, at least, so we are temporarily out of touch. It's not painful for me not to speak to him, not like I'd expected, but I do remember how much I miss him when I can't hear his voice. Beth never seems to fail when it comes to popping up at exactly the right time- I got a comment from her earlier today that made me relax a little.
Over here, I am feeling displaced once again. I have been spending time with two guys here that are truly more like brothers to me than anything else, Geoff and Anthony, but part of me feels less like a woman hanging out with them. It's nice to be one of the guys, but sometimes that's the last thing I want to feel like. It's such a fine line.
I see pictures of people I used to spend time with doing things I would have loved to be invited along to do, and feel sad and abandoned. It's silly, but it's true. Knowing that I'll be moving soon just makes me wonder why I would bother getting attached or re-attached to people here, which doesn't help anything, of course. I miss home, and, right now, it's hard to remember that this place, and these people, aren't forever. I'm struggling tonight.
My friend Anthony tells me when I see Ryan again, it'll be just like old times, that everything's just going to fall right back into place, and be easier and better than I can imagine right now. I can only hope he's right. Some part of me knows that, while this relationship is the strongest I've ever had, we will fight, and I will hurt- and that part of me just keeps waiting for it. I've hurt so much in the past, and accepted enough less-than-the-standard relationships that I expect the worst somewhere deep in my heart. It's soothing to me to know that, when it comes to Ryan, a good serious argument is what I perceive as 'the worst' but still I worry.
This is fairly typical for a Sunday night, so I do not worry.
There are things I will be working on to keep my emotions and senses balanced, because logic, alone, does not put one at ease. This is going to be a trying week, without a doubt. I need to let go of the pain tonight, so tomorrow will be a fresh start.
Good night, my friends and family.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Romeo 4 Signing In
I knew I shouldn't have let them give me the flu mist. I'm cranky and I don't feel good. I'm more or less evil when I'm sick. I think I'm going to go watch some movies with one of the guys tonight and forget about the world for a few hours. It's been a really rough week, and I don't get the four day that everyone else does, so I need to make the most of what I've got.
I had a great day, though it was largely overwhelming. The responsibilities I already had seem to be on steroids today, because, between my promotion and the new command, well, there's a lot on my plate. I got pinned with my SPC today, which I was very proud of, though I completely blanked and didn't say any of what I meant to. There were half a dozen or more field grade officers I'd never seen before there, not to mention half my battalion and several folks from brigade.
By the end of the day, I was tired and hungry and emotional from feeling sick. I was pretty embarrassed about that, but there wasn't much I could do.
I think there's going to be some feelings hurt in the not-too-distant future. There's some decisions I have to make that some people who I love very much won't be happy with. I have come to a point in my life where I'm past trying to pacify people, and need to do what works for me and what makes me happy. I don't like hurting people, but there are truly people in this world who will never be completely satisfied, and I won't strain myself emotionally or stress out trying to make them happy. If I try to compromise, well, people mistake kindness for weakness, and there's some things that are too big to allow enough room for that mistake. I've started a new chapter in my life, and everyone doesn't have to like it, because I'm happy, and each person is responsible for themselves first and foremost.
I am very much in love with Ryan. I honestly am amazed each and every day by how much he loves me, and how far he's willing to go to make me happy. He's got something pretty big up his sleeve right now, but I'm sure I'll be letting you all know what the deal is whenever I find out from him- or my 1sg- whichever comes first. Yeah, it's that serious. The soon-to-be father in law is egging that one on, too. Thanks, ole man, thanks. Anyway, I'm going to go relax and try to forget an email I got today.
I had a great day, though it was largely overwhelming. The responsibilities I already had seem to be on steroids today, because, between my promotion and the new command, well, there's a lot on my plate. I got pinned with my SPC today, which I was very proud of, though I completely blanked and didn't say any of what I meant to. There were half a dozen or more field grade officers I'd never seen before there, not to mention half my battalion and several folks from brigade.
By the end of the day, I was tired and hungry and emotional from feeling sick. I was pretty embarrassed about that, but there wasn't much I could do.
I think there's going to be some feelings hurt in the not-too-distant future. There's some decisions I have to make that some people who I love very much won't be happy with. I have come to a point in my life where I'm past trying to pacify people, and need to do what works for me and what makes me happy. I don't like hurting people, but there are truly people in this world who will never be completely satisfied, and I won't strain myself emotionally or stress out trying to make them happy. If I try to compromise, well, people mistake kindness for weakness, and there's some things that are too big to allow enough room for that mistake. I've started a new chapter in my life, and everyone doesn't have to like it, because I'm happy, and each person is responsible for themselves first and foremost.
I am very much in love with Ryan. I honestly am amazed each and every day by how much he loves me, and how far he's willing to go to make me happy. He's got something pretty big up his sleeve right now, but I'm sure I'll be letting you all know what the deal is whenever I find out from him- or my 1sg- whichever comes first. Yeah, it's that serious. The soon-to-be father in law is egging that one on, too. Thanks, ole man, thanks. Anyway, I'm going to go relax and try to forget an email I got today.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Luck
I've got a few minutes before I head off to work.
I'm sitting here, completely astounded at everything that's been happening.
Things are working out, they really are. Work, well, it can be overwhelming every now and again, but things are definitely getting easier to handle, if the things I'm handling aren't necessarily getting easier themselves. I seem to spend every other day with a 'he's really doing that' smile on my face because of whatever my fiance has cooked up that day. People are doubting, judging, but, I can't explain to anyone how real this is. He's trouble from the word go, but even Superman had a weakness, folks. Ryan's as tired of being alone as I am, if not more, and we've known each other nearly five years, we're close, we've talked about this before. We've always had feelings for each other, even if it was ill-advised to act on them at some points in our lives. If I'd tape recorded half our conversations- well, Ryan would lose his tough guy status until someone realized that he can still do some serious damage to folks, even though he's very happy with me. I suppose even Sasquatch can't make it alone for too long.
I can't believe this is my life, or the way things turned out. All the dreams I dreamt and stories I told- this is way better than all of them. I'm marrying my best friend. I never thought he'd understand me as well as he does when it came to a relationship. I never thought he could open his heart to a woman the way he has to me. Anyone who feels the need, go ahead and question it. It's not going to bother me, because I'm not going anywhere.
I'm sitting here, completely astounded at everything that's been happening.
Things are working out, they really are. Work, well, it can be overwhelming every now and again, but things are definitely getting easier to handle, if the things I'm handling aren't necessarily getting easier themselves. I seem to spend every other day with a 'he's really doing that' smile on my face because of whatever my fiance has cooked up that day. People are doubting, judging, but, I can't explain to anyone how real this is. He's trouble from the word go, but even Superman had a weakness, folks. Ryan's as tired of being alone as I am, if not more, and we've known each other nearly five years, we're close, we've talked about this before. We've always had feelings for each other, even if it was ill-advised to act on them at some points in our lives. If I'd tape recorded half our conversations- well, Ryan would lose his tough guy status until someone realized that he can still do some serious damage to folks, even though he's very happy with me. I suppose even Sasquatch can't make it alone for too long.
I can't believe this is my life, or the way things turned out. All the dreams I dreamt and stories I told- this is way better than all of them. I'm marrying my best friend. I never thought he'd understand me as well as he does when it came to a relationship. I never thought he could open his heart to a woman the way he has to me. Anyone who feels the need, go ahead and question it. It's not going to bother me, because I'm not going anywhere.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Transitional Sprinting
Stop. Go! Stop. GO GO GO!
FREEEEZE!
This slinky crap is getting to me.
One minute, I've got dozens of projects to handle, and everyone's trying to throw more on top, and the minute I work my way through it, everything comes to a screeching halt and I'm sitting here going 'what now?'
I'm tired, hungry n maybe a little grouchy.
I have two tacos with my bag that I don't dare eat because I know as soon as I start, my seniors will come back.
*sigh*
FREEEEZE!
This slinky crap is getting to me.
One minute, I've got dozens of projects to handle, and everyone's trying to throw more on top, and the minute I work my way through it, everything comes to a screeching halt and I'm sitting here going 'what now?'
I'm tired, hungry n maybe a little grouchy.
I have two tacos with my bag that I don't dare eat because I know as soon as I start, my seniors will come back.
*sigh*
Monday, August 24, 2009
By The Light Of A Firecracker
...Then, out of nowhere, her entire life seemed to change. As her faith grew, so did her strength. With strength came respect, with respect, love. Soon, she was seeing her hopes and dreams snap together like pieces of a puzzle that had been too long seperated. Everything had been there all along- the man she loved was a long-time friend, the career, an expansion upon what she was already a part of. The people she'd been looking for all along had always been there, and always would be. The word 'love' took on an entirely different meaning, both in the romantic and familial senses. She saw clearly now the people who had never budged, and was confronted with what it really meant to be in love.
Trust was not a thing to fear.
Love was not a thing to hoard.
Family was not limited or even understood.
Her heart grew bigger, and her eyes wider. She began to see physical differences, too- she somehow looked older, without having aged. Her once sweet beauty had, at some point, blossomed into a regal quality in her looks. Perhaps, she thought, it was the strength showing through. Perhaps she was just finally seeing what was there all along.
The words she'd bit back for fear of rejection now slid past her lips as smoothly as ice would on a hot summer day. The laughter she'd swallowed to avoid questions she couldn't comfortably answer rattled the air. The moves she'd been afraid to make now jilted her body on the dance floor- a roll of the hip, a particularly distinct dip. She didn't worry about who was watching, or what they thought, and found herself the center of so much attention.
She spoke her mind, and wasn't scolded for it.
She loved openly, and wasn't hurt by it.
She lived freely and wasn't ravaged because of it.
This was what the Phoenix felt like as she rose from her own ashes, Gypsy thought, this is what life means.
Trust was not a thing to fear.
Love was not a thing to hoard.
Family was not limited or even understood.
Her heart grew bigger, and her eyes wider. She began to see physical differences, too- she somehow looked older, without having aged. Her once sweet beauty had, at some point, blossomed into a regal quality in her looks. Perhaps, she thought, it was the strength showing through. Perhaps she was just finally seeing what was there all along.
The words she'd bit back for fear of rejection now slid past her lips as smoothly as ice would on a hot summer day. The laughter she'd swallowed to avoid questions she couldn't comfortably answer rattled the air. The moves she'd been afraid to make now jilted her body on the dance floor- a roll of the hip, a particularly distinct dip. She didn't worry about who was watching, or what they thought, and found herself the center of so much attention.
She spoke her mind, and wasn't scolded for it.
She loved openly, and wasn't hurt by it.
She lived freely and wasn't ravaged because of it.
This was what the Phoenix felt like as she rose from her own ashes, Gypsy thought, this is what life means.
Special
Ya'll thought I was special before.
My ERB finally shows SPC.
Yes, I am ecstatic.
Now it's just a matter of the LES, and being pinned Friday.
I'm sluggish today, I've got all sorts of body aches, and I'm not sure why. I'm going to check my temperature on lunch, as there's something not quite sitting right just now.
We ran this morning for PT. It was a long run, but I kept up alright, and did my best to keep a new soldier up there with us. She was hurting, but she didn't completley give up that I saw. She's a medic. I have high hopes for her, based on my first impression. I'm looking forward to the day I have soldiers under me. It may not be all that long. I came back from PT to find that nagging pinch I kept feeling as I was running wasn't just friction- I'd sliced my foot open inside my shoe. I had been bleeding most of the run, from what I could tell. There was quite a bit there. Shower, clean it up, neosporin, package it and get ready for work. It isn't bothering me now, but I'll have to keep an eye on it, as it'd be way too easy to get that kind of wound infected. That would suck.
I'm missing Ryan today, though last night, I layed there looking at his picture and realized that this really was 'it'. It's not coincidence, or just the way things happened. This is that thing that everyone tries to explain, but can't, and now I know why. This is more real than I knew something emotional could be. I am starting to plan the details of the wedding, and, while it's a bit overwhelming, it feels good. Our wedding is going to be unique, and completely unforgettable- and not just for us. I'm proud of us. I'm marrying the only man I've dated and honestly, truly, been able to talk to about absolutely anything. Granted, it may be met with a twisted joke if I don't watch my wording, but I know he takes me seriously.
I told one of our mutual friends who had been out of the net for a while about this yesterday, and it was pretty cool to see the shock and awe of 'Danger's getting married?!' from someone who knows us both.
I'm happy.
-SPC Blip
My ERB finally shows SPC.
Yes, I am ecstatic.
Now it's just a matter of the LES, and being pinned Friday.
I'm sluggish today, I've got all sorts of body aches, and I'm not sure why. I'm going to check my temperature on lunch, as there's something not quite sitting right just now.
We ran this morning for PT. It was a long run, but I kept up alright, and did my best to keep a new soldier up there with us. She was hurting, but she didn't completley give up that I saw. She's a medic. I have high hopes for her, based on my first impression. I'm looking forward to the day I have soldiers under me. It may not be all that long. I came back from PT to find that nagging pinch I kept feeling as I was running wasn't just friction- I'd sliced my foot open inside my shoe. I had been bleeding most of the run, from what I could tell. There was quite a bit there. Shower, clean it up, neosporin, package it and get ready for work. It isn't bothering me now, but I'll have to keep an eye on it, as it'd be way too easy to get that kind of wound infected. That would suck.
I'm missing Ryan today, though last night, I layed there looking at his picture and realized that this really was 'it'. It's not coincidence, or just the way things happened. This is that thing that everyone tries to explain, but can't, and now I know why. This is more real than I knew something emotional could be. I am starting to plan the details of the wedding, and, while it's a bit overwhelming, it feels good. Our wedding is going to be unique, and completely unforgettable- and not just for us. I'm proud of us. I'm marrying the only man I've dated and honestly, truly, been able to talk to about absolutely anything. Granted, it may be met with a twisted joke if I don't watch my wording, but I know he takes me seriously.
I told one of our mutual friends who had been out of the net for a while about this yesterday, and it was pretty cool to see the shock and awe of 'Danger's getting married?!' from someone who knows us both.
I'm happy.
-SPC Blip
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Release
I see the changes, I see the improvements.
I refuse to let go of them.
I would be lying, though, if I said I wasn't looking forward to the day when what I see as steps forward today become habit, rather than struggles coming to an end.
I ask myself why I'm angry, why I'm upset- and I can narrow it down, honestly, and figure out how to overcome it. That is an incredible feeling, one stemming from something I really didn't know I'd need to figure out how to do.
Tomorrow is Monday again, and the beginning of the week I will see a new chain of command, and a new rank on my uniform.
Today and yesterday were emotional days for me, but that's okay, it was the weekend, and that's allowed when I'm not at work.
I've made a friend here in country- if farther north than I'd like- that I hope I don't lose or lose touch with. I am already seeing why God brought him into my life, and I am grateful. Trevor, thank you for helping me keep my focus this weekend. You are a blessing.
The road to success is lined with many tempting parking spaces...
But I'm not out of gas, so there's no reason to park here.
I'll keep my head up this week, the mean people will not win.
Beth H, if you're reading this, I'm thinking about you. You're an inspiration to me, and this is not the end of you. I love ya girl, and I'm proud of you!
I refuse to let go of them.
I would be lying, though, if I said I wasn't looking forward to the day when what I see as steps forward today become habit, rather than struggles coming to an end.
I ask myself why I'm angry, why I'm upset- and I can narrow it down, honestly, and figure out how to overcome it. That is an incredible feeling, one stemming from something I really didn't know I'd need to figure out how to do.
Tomorrow is Monday again, and the beginning of the week I will see a new chain of command, and a new rank on my uniform.
Today and yesterday were emotional days for me, but that's okay, it was the weekend, and that's allowed when I'm not at work.
I've made a friend here in country- if farther north than I'd like- that I hope I don't lose or lose touch with. I am already seeing why God brought him into my life, and I am grateful. Trevor, thank you for helping me keep my focus this weekend. You are a blessing.
The road to success is lined with many tempting parking spaces...
But I'm not out of gas, so there's no reason to park here.
I'll keep my head up this week, the mean people will not win.
Beth H, if you're reading this, I'm thinking about you. You're an inspiration to me, and this is not the end of you. I love ya girl, and I'm proud of you!
Gypsy Beads: A Cure For The Homesick
My dad has always called himself a Tumbleweed.
I've called myself a Gypsy since the moment I discovered that many of the French who came to the U.S. the time my ancestors did were evicted from their homeland in the same fashion, and for the same reasons, the initial Roma (Gypsy) folk were. Many groups banded together very much in the same way, some intermarrying with Roma, even.
The shrinks call it 'The Geographical Cure'- in English, running from your problems.
All I've really known is that I really, really suck at being in the same place for very long.
I'm a mutt- I can't clearly define or point to specific ancestry, I can't say that so-and-so was this person or that. Most of what I know of my bloodlines is from word of mouth, and from what my paternal Great Uncle told me. My mother's bloodlines are even fuzzier.
However, every time I've really needed strength, it's come from one of two places, often overlapping in my view of them- my roots or my faith.
My discovery of the Baha'i faith was the beginning of a huge transformation for me. It is very much what I believe. Many of it's teachings are, to the letter, what I've always known in my heart. It has brought faith back into my life. However, each of us must follow our own path, must learn our own lessons our own way. Each of us must learn how to pray our own prayer. The footprints of a Gypsy are my own. It is where I find strength inside myself, and where I find my pride.
I found some writing on the Gypsies, and they struck me enough to quote them. These quotes- and I'm still reading- explain a lot about why i feel the way I do about this lifestyle.
Both are by Jean-Pierre Liegeois, in a publication called: "Roma, Gypsies, Travellers"
"An intelligent man will be discreet, will not put himself above others, will show respect for others, and will do well economically; he will be esteemed because he has merited the consideration of others by being intelligent, respectful, and with a big family which also merits consideration. These are the essential values."
"For those who are, by choice or force of circumstance, sedentary for long periods of the year, taking to the road, even briefly in the summer, brings back an awareness of family unity in conrast to an environment that changes with the miles, to experience first-hand what the old people talk about, to reinforce group solidarity, and so on."
I've called myself a Gypsy since the moment I discovered that many of the French who came to the U.S. the time my ancestors did were evicted from their homeland in the same fashion, and for the same reasons, the initial Roma (Gypsy) folk were. Many groups banded together very much in the same way, some intermarrying with Roma, even.
The shrinks call it 'The Geographical Cure'- in English, running from your problems.
All I've really known is that I really, really suck at being in the same place for very long.
I'm a mutt- I can't clearly define or point to specific ancestry, I can't say that so-and-so was this person or that. Most of what I know of my bloodlines is from word of mouth, and from what my paternal Great Uncle told me. My mother's bloodlines are even fuzzier.
However, every time I've really needed strength, it's come from one of two places, often overlapping in my view of them- my roots or my faith.
My discovery of the Baha'i faith was the beginning of a huge transformation for me. It is very much what I believe. Many of it's teachings are, to the letter, what I've always known in my heart. It has brought faith back into my life. However, each of us must follow our own path, must learn our own lessons our own way. Each of us must learn how to pray our own prayer. The footprints of a Gypsy are my own. It is where I find strength inside myself, and where I find my pride.
I found some writing on the Gypsies, and they struck me enough to quote them. These quotes- and I'm still reading- explain a lot about why i feel the way I do about this lifestyle.
Both are by Jean-Pierre Liegeois, in a publication called: "Roma, Gypsies, Travellers"
"An intelligent man will be discreet, will not put himself above others, will show respect for others, and will do well economically; he will be esteemed because he has merited the consideration of others by being intelligent, respectful, and with a big family which also merits consideration. These are the essential values."
"For those who are, by choice or force of circumstance, sedentary for long periods of the year, taking to the road, even briefly in the summer, brings back an awareness of family unity in conrast to an environment that changes with the miles, to experience first-hand what the old people talk about, to reinforce group solidarity, and so on."
Saturday, August 22, 2009
The Reason For The Lack Of Question (WARNING: MUSHY!)
I wonder how many people have their doubts about me n Ryan working out. I know some of my family does. That's okay, when I first met him- hell, up until this last 6 months or so- I couldn't think of him ever being anything but the eternal bachelor. It's understandable.
There's ways, though, that I know that he is not another passing thing. For one thing, this guy has put up with me- and, more importantly, refused to give up on me- for nearly five years now. He's given me the key to his house, he's given me passwords, anything that was necessary, and plenty of things that were just to help me. He's told me he wanted to marry me for the past two years. I laughed at him, shot him down, and, at some point told him- explicitly- what he was doing that made me laugh at him and shoot him down. You know what he did? He got his crap together, fixed those things, and then came back and said 'You know what? No ones ever asked me to change those things, no one's ever cared that much. I want to marry you.' He wasn't joking. He's not budging. The man I thought was single for life, and completely wild, has proven to be the most wonderful, loving, sweet, goofy man I ever met. He makes dealing with me look easy. He does it better than I do! I can look at a single picture of him and think how good looking he is and how incredibly sweet he can be. I have told him things that would have given any other man I've dated heart attacks. I've tried to run once- he wasn't having it. He was more patient than I have ever seen a man be, and opened up to me and explained things I never could have understood. He told me things I had never had a man explain to me before. It's been two years since I've seen him, and I can still remember how it feels when he hugs me, what it felt like to fall asleep next to him watching Walk The Line, and what it felt like to stay at the hospital with him, holding his hand, the entire night- and never once hear him correct the nurse about me (not) being his girlfriend. I'll never forget the look on his face when he was in pain from the kidney stones, or the look of pride on his face as he watched his daughter perform in front of her school. He hasn't forgotten anything either- which he insists on taunting me with on a regular enough basis that I'm scared of the day he comes to his first FRG meeting with my chain of command.
It's understandable that people who are protective of me question this. It's not "normal" but it makes a whole lot more sense than anything else I've done in my life.
I love him.
There's ways, though, that I know that he is not another passing thing. For one thing, this guy has put up with me- and, more importantly, refused to give up on me- for nearly five years now. He's given me the key to his house, he's given me passwords, anything that was necessary, and plenty of things that were just to help me. He's told me he wanted to marry me for the past two years. I laughed at him, shot him down, and, at some point told him- explicitly- what he was doing that made me laugh at him and shoot him down. You know what he did? He got his crap together, fixed those things, and then came back and said 'You know what? No ones ever asked me to change those things, no one's ever cared that much. I want to marry you.' He wasn't joking. He's not budging. The man I thought was single for life, and completely wild, has proven to be the most wonderful, loving, sweet, goofy man I ever met. He makes dealing with me look easy. He does it better than I do! I can look at a single picture of him and think how good looking he is and how incredibly sweet he can be. I have told him things that would have given any other man I've dated heart attacks. I've tried to run once- he wasn't having it. He was more patient than I have ever seen a man be, and opened up to me and explained things I never could have understood. He told me things I had never had a man explain to me before. It's been two years since I've seen him, and I can still remember how it feels when he hugs me, what it felt like to fall asleep next to him watching Walk The Line, and what it felt like to stay at the hospital with him, holding his hand, the entire night- and never once hear him correct the nurse about me (not) being his girlfriend. I'll never forget the look on his face when he was in pain from the kidney stones, or the look of pride on his face as he watched his daughter perform in front of her school. He hasn't forgotten anything either- which he insists on taunting me with on a regular enough basis that I'm scared of the day he comes to his first FRG meeting with my chain of command.
It's understandable that people who are protective of me question this. It's not "normal" but it makes a whole lot more sense than anything else I've done in my life.
I love him.
Friday, August 21, 2009
The Sweetest Dreams
It's been a long week, I won't lie.
I'm lying in bed, on top of freshly washed blankets n sheets, listening to the cicadas outside, and the occasional rustle from the other section of the room. I'm exhausted, but my brain doesn't switch off until I write each night. I'm not sure how much I have to offer the world tonight, but the words will come, none the less.
Life, despite it's chaos and often unfortunate chains of events, feels at peace right now. This is a feeling I don't know how to react to, truth be told. This is a feeling I've wanted for so long, and there were so many things that I thought would have to happen before I'd get here, but here I am. I'm happy, in love, I have some truly incredible friends, great family, and big dreams for my future. I've got a good unit and chain of command (there's always got to be a personality conflict thrown in every now n again or it just wouldn't work) and life is generally moving along as it seems it was meant to all along.
Five months sober, and a year ago I never would have believed I'd ever quit or even want to.
It's amazing how many things can change and how fast...
I'm lying in bed, on top of freshly washed blankets n sheets, listening to the cicadas outside, and the occasional rustle from the other section of the room. I'm exhausted, but my brain doesn't switch off until I write each night. I'm not sure how much I have to offer the world tonight, but the words will come, none the less.
Life, despite it's chaos and often unfortunate chains of events, feels at peace right now. This is a feeling I don't know how to react to, truth be told. This is a feeling I've wanted for so long, and there were so many things that I thought would have to happen before I'd get here, but here I am. I'm happy, in love, I have some truly incredible friends, great family, and big dreams for my future. I've got a good unit and chain of command (there's always got to be a personality conflict thrown in every now n again or it just wouldn't work) and life is generally moving along as it seems it was meant to all along.
Five months sober, and a year ago I never would have believed I'd ever quit or even want to.
It's amazing how many things can change and how fast...
Tolerance And Lack There Of
Today is 5 months sober, and the day I am officially a Specialist.
I won't be pinned until next Friday, but today is my 2 years time in service, and I am a SPC no matter what I'm wearing.
It's not a day anyone will be able to drag me down. I think I made that point early on today- a certain occifer made a point again this morning, and I took the lickin n kept on tickin because there's just no wayI'm letting him get to me again.
I got an email from an e5 colleague of mine in response to one I had sent him saying 'PFC- what happened?' He, like several others, thought I was higher ranking than I have been. It's happened probably 6 or 7 times now, but I will always take it as a compliment. A retired 1sg patient called me Ssg one day, after not looking closely at the rank, and noticing only a rocker. I smiled when he said it and politely corrected him, mostly to see the reaction. He was confused and surprised. I was thrilled.
I'm trying my butt off. After the events of the last few days, it's no wonder I'm a little tired. However, my outgoing 1sg, as well as incoming 1sg, came down to my clinic yesterday, and we had our counseling session. While I still suspect much of it had to do with my conversation with the sergeant major (it was by no fault of my NCO's that the conversation was neccesary, mind you), they were surprisingly supportive and genuinely, well, proud of me. I can't say I expected that, but it was something they made a point of.
This company is home, and, if I didn't already have a deafening loyalty to it, I do now.
I'm finally with a group of people that isn't going to throw me to the wolves when I become a hassle. Holy crap.
I feel strong today. I hope this feeling echoes through me for a while- this is a pretty intense sensation. I've made it five months without a drop of alcohol- I can genuinely say not one slip up. Not one sip. I thought it'd be the 6 month mark that would hit me hard- and maybe it will- but today it's hitting home how big a deal this is, and how much I have achieved to have achieved this one thing.
My life is peaceful. I have an amazing fiance who understands me and who I can talk to about literally anything- and this has been tested already. Plenty of people doubt this relationship, but he and I are not among them. The people closest to us see it, they see how happy we are, how close, and how strong. They see that this has changed both of our lives, and both of us, for the better. It's not typical, it didn't happen the way most people expect these things to, but if it had, it wouldn't be ours.
Peaceful, hm....
Is this what stability feels like?!
Why didn't anyone tell me this?!!!
Life is good.
I won't be pinned until next Friday, but today is my 2 years time in service, and I am a SPC no matter what I'm wearing.
It's not a day anyone will be able to drag me down. I think I made that point early on today- a certain occifer made a point again this morning, and I took the lickin n kept on tickin because there's just no wayI'm letting him get to me again.
I got an email from an e5 colleague of mine in response to one I had sent him saying 'PFC- what happened?' He, like several others, thought I was higher ranking than I have been. It's happened probably 6 or 7 times now, but I will always take it as a compliment. A retired 1sg patient called me Ssg one day, after not looking closely at the rank, and noticing only a rocker. I smiled when he said it and politely corrected him, mostly to see the reaction. He was confused and surprised. I was thrilled.
I'm trying my butt off. After the events of the last few days, it's no wonder I'm a little tired. However, my outgoing 1sg, as well as incoming 1sg, came down to my clinic yesterday, and we had our counseling session. While I still suspect much of it had to do with my conversation with the sergeant major (it was by no fault of my NCO's that the conversation was neccesary, mind you), they were surprisingly supportive and genuinely, well, proud of me. I can't say I expected that, but it was something they made a point of.
This company is home, and, if I didn't already have a deafening loyalty to it, I do now.
I'm finally with a group of people that isn't going to throw me to the wolves when I become a hassle. Holy crap.
I feel strong today. I hope this feeling echoes through me for a while- this is a pretty intense sensation. I've made it five months without a drop of alcohol- I can genuinely say not one slip up. Not one sip. I thought it'd be the 6 month mark that would hit me hard- and maybe it will- but today it's hitting home how big a deal this is, and how much I have achieved to have achieved this one thing.
My life is peaceful. I have an amazing fiance who understands me and who I can talk to about literally anything- and this has been tested already. Plenty of people doubt this relationship, but he and I are not among them. The people closest to us see it, they see how happy we are, how close, and how strong. They see that this has changed both of our lives, and both of us, for the better. It's not typical, it didn't happen the way most people expect these things to, but if it had, it wouldn't be ours.
Peaceful, hm....
Is this what stability feels like?!
Why didn't anyone tell me this?!!!
Life is good.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
As I Lay Me Down To Sleep
I'm in bed.
I'm sad, and feeling all at once very alone and, well, very not.
I miss Ryan. It's been two days since I heard his voice, other than that blasted voicemail message that I can do an amazing imitation of at this point. I found out today he was in the hospital with an asthma attack. It's not a first- sadly, it doesn't even surprise me- but it worries me, naturally. I miss him, and I miss hearing him say he loves me. I miss my fiance.
I'm feeling stressed out about things here, and I'm really not sure what about exactly.
I want to feel like I'm at home, I guess?
I'm sad and tired and lonely.
Yet another night I'm feeling scared to sleep.
*sigh*
Good night, Family.
I'm sad, and feeling all at once very alone and, well, very not.
I miss Ryan. It's been two days since I heard his voice, other than that blasted voicemail message that I can do an amazing imitation of at this point. I found out today he was in the hospital with an asthma attack. It's not a first- sadly, it doesn't even surprise me- but it worries me, naturally. I miss him, and I miss hearing him say he loves me. I miss my fiance.
I'm feeling stressed out about things here, and I'm really not sure what about exactly.
I want to feel like I'm at home, I guess?
I'm sad and tired and lonely.
Yet another night I'm feeling scared to sleep.
*sigh*
Good night, Family.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Truth Spoken
I can't stand people who call themselves real but will drop a friend without a backward glance.
I can't stand people who call themselves leaders but put down their soldiers at every turn.
I can't stand people who believe they deserve better treatment than anyone else.
I can't stand people who don't know better than to treat a woman, soldier and friend like me like I'm not worth more.
I'm not cocky. I fake it pretty well some days, but, more than anything else, I am honest. I am honest about myself and about others, I have no reason to lie or to tell people what they want to hear, because, at the end of the day, I am still going to be me and I am still going to have to live with every choice I've made. If I hurt someone's feelings or embarrass myself, but have taken that chance to make things better as a whole, I can look myself in the eye for another day. If I lie, or turn my back on someone, I cannot. If I told someone what they wanted to hear or covered my ass, I will dream restless dreams because I know there are consequences for such things.
I do my best. I do not always do well, but I do my best. Anyone who cannot see that is blind.
I am happily engaged to my fiance, and very much in love. I have some truly wonderful friends- many of whom have blurred the lines between friends and family for quite some time now. I am grateful for all these people. I am grateful for all who have stuck it out and stayed by my side, even when they realized the road wasn't always going to be easy. For those who haven't, thank you for teaching me a valuable lesson. I am angry right now, I know this, and see it in my words and thoughts. I can only hope I have managed to shield my patients from seeing it. I am a medic, and I will always care for my patients first. My problems, my wounds will heal. I became a medic because I am stronger, because I have been put on this planet to help people. When my tears blur my vision, I am weaker, and my patients are weaker for it. I won't let this pain detract from my mission.
My pain is sharp, but my mission is clear.
Rise And Overcome.
I can't stand people who call themselves leaders but put down their soldiers at every turn.
I can't stand people who believe they deserve better treatment than anyone else.
I can't stand people who don't know better than to treat a woman, soldier and friend like me like I'm not worth more.
I'm not cocky. I fake it pretty well some days, but, more than anything else, I am honest. I am honest about myself and about others, I have no reason to lie or to tell people what they want to hear, because, at the end of the day, I am still going to be me and I am still going to have to live with every choice I've made. If I hurt someone's feelings or embarrass myself, but have taken that chance to make things better as a whole, I can look myself in the eye for another day. If I lie, or turn my back on someone, I cannot. If I told someone what they wanted to hear or covered my ass, I will dream restless dreams because I know there are consequences for such things.
I do my best. I do not always do well, but I do my best. Anyone who cannot see that is blind.
I am happily engaged to my fiance, and very much in love. I have some truly wonderful friends- many of whom have blurred the lines between friends and family for quite some time now. I am grateful for all these people. I am grateful for all who have stuck it out and stayed by my side, even when they realized the road wasn't always going to be easy. For those who haven't, thank you for teaching me a valuable lesson. I am angry right now, I know this, and see it in my words and thoughts. I can only hope I have managed to shield my patients from seeing it. I am a medic, and I will always care for my patients first. My problems, my wounds will heal. I became a medic because I am stronger, because I have been put on this planet to help people. When my tears blur my vision, I am weaker, and my patients are weaker for it. I won't let this pain detract from my mission.
My pain is sharp, but my mission is clear.
Rise And Overcome.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Balancing Act
I feel like I may have gotten it just about right.
Things are just wonderful with Ryan, and he's putting in at least as much as he's getting, if not more- indecisivness be damned.
Work is fine, the anxiety has been split in at least half.
There's some definite personality conflicts that I will be thrilled to be rid of, but I will be rid of that soon enough.
I've got this thing pretty much down, I think.
I've been promised I won't move companies or living situations until- at least- the 28th.
...Wait, what?!
Yeah, that's about two weeks of guaruntee.
Welcome to my world.
There's plenty of talk about me moving to this post or that, about me staying right where I am, but in a different company, of moving to any number of companies in any of the areas, and don't get me started on the what if's of the barracks I'm already in.
I'm keeping my head up, and taking a bit of an 'I-run-this-Sh!t' approach to things, which may or may not be the best idea, but it's working in the present situation.
Monday, the game will be changed up again when we have a new soldier arrive, another e5. I have no idea what to think or expect right now, but it mostly feels like I'm in a wind tunnel, being shoved down it at rapid speeds without being able to see a thing around me.
*sigh*
Ryan is becoming a huge source of comfort for me. I've said before I miss being married more than the actual marriage, and now I remember why. Ryan is there for me, no questions asked. He loves me, no questions asked. He'll be there, do what he can for me, and always have my back, no questions asked. It's a truly secure feeling to have a relationship you can count on. When everything else is what if and maybe and take your best guess, I have a man at home who loves me and I know it will never change. That's incredible. Everyone who knows him sees the change, and sees how happy he is. All of a sudden, I'm focused (mostly), and have my family's future in mind, over just wanting to be the best.
This is what it's all about.
This is what I've wanted for so long.
Things are just wonderful with Ryan, and he's putting in at least as much as he's getting, if not more- indecisivness be damned.
Work is fine, the anxiety has been split in at least half.
There's some definite personality conflicts that I will be thrilled to be rid of, but I will be rid of that soon enough.
I've got this thing pretty much down, I think.
I've been promised I won't move companies or living situations until- at least- the 28th.
...Wait, what?!
Yeah, that's about two weeks of guaruntee.
Welcome to my world.
There's plenty of talk about me moving to this post or that, about me staying right where I am, but in a different company, of moving to any number of companies in any of the areas, and don't get me started on the what if's of the barracks I'm already in.
I'm keeping my head up, and taking a bit of an 'I-run-this-Sh!t' approach to things, which may or may not be the best idea, but it's working in the present situation.
Monday, the game will be changed up again when we have a new soldier arrive, another e5. I have no idea what to think or expect right now, but it mostly feels like I'm in a wind tunnel, being shoved down it at rapid speeds without being able to see a thing around me.
*sigh*
Ryan is becoming a huge source of comfort for me. I've said before I miss being married more than the actual marriage, and now I remember why. Ryan is there for me, no questions asked. He loves me, no questions asked. He'll be there, do what he can for me, and always have my back, no questions asked. It's a truly secure feeling to have a relationship you can count on. When everything else is what if and maybe and take your best guess, I have a man at home who loves me and I know it will never change. That's incredible. Everyone who knows him sees the change, and sees how happy he is. All of a sudden, I'm focused (mostly), and have my family's future in mind, over just wanting to be the best.
This is what it's all about.
This is what I've wanted for so long.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Patients VS Patience
Some days, I have people come into my clinic that make me wonder what the point of manners is.
Others, like today, I realize that I am meant to be a medic and I am grateful for the people that God brings into my path this way. I had a patient with a foreign object embedded in his cornea today. It took quite a bit of work to get it out, but he was patient and polite, and, as 74D's tend to be, rather amusing. He was a funny kid. He'll be back for another appointment, and made a point of asking if I'd be in the clinic that day. He was thrilled to hear I would be. What a punk. He's young, and I'm relatively sure that was his way of flirting, but I don't care. I was the only one in the clinic when he came in (unusual) but knew what to do. I confirmed it with the doctor, and went ahead. I managed to flush out a good portion of the object, but some of it had to be removed with a mini drill to make an abrasion we could get it out of. It was ridiculously cool to watch. My instructions had been to release him if I flushed it out (we thought I had) but when he was still in pain, I asked him to wait to be seen, as I wasn't comfortable releasing him from our care if he was still in pain without having seen a doctor.
I done good.
There are other past patients I've had that have come in to see me, and brought other people in, commenting that I'll take care of them, and telling me how much I helped. I'm just a tech, I am not able to do that much, but attitude truly is everything, isn't it?
I was scared to become a medic when I was in training, but now I know that is what I was supposed to be.
Dustin's being an ass.
Others, like today, I realize that I am meant to be a medic and I am grateful for the people that God brings into my path this way. I had a patient with a foreign object embedded in his cornea today. It took quite a bit of work to get it out, but he was patient and polite, and, as 74D's tend to be, rather amusing. He was a funny kid. He'll be back for another appointment, and made a point of asking if I'd be in the clinic that day. He was thrilled to hear I would be. What a punk. He's young, and I'm relatively sure that was his way of flirting, but I don't care. I was the only one in the clinic when he came in (unusual) but knew what to do. I confirmed it with the doctor, and went ahead. I managed to flush out a good portion of the object, but some of it had to be removed with a mini drill to make an abrasion we could get it out of. It was ridiculously cool to watch. My instructions had been to release him if I flushed it out (we thought I had) but when he was still in pain, I asked him to wait to be seen, as I wasn't comfortable releasing him from our care if he was still in pain without having seen a doctor.
I done good.
There are other past patients I've had that have come in to see me, and brought other people in, commenting that I'll take care of them, and telling me how much I helped. I'm just a tech, I am not able to do that much, but attitude truly is everything, isn't it?
I was scared to become a medic when I was in training, but now I know that is what I was supposed to be.
Dustin's being an ass.
HMFIC
I fell asleep around 1900 last night, and didn't wake up (the first time) until 0300. I probably should have stayed up, but I didn't. I'm dragging a little bit today, because my body is finally remembering what a full night of sleep is. Dr Pepper to the rescue!
My 1sg came in at the end of the day yesterday to talk to me. She's looking at me as an NCO now (I'm getting pinned with the shield on the 28th!!!!) and I'm going to the Soldier Of The Month Board- in September, October, November and December, and I can count on the Soldier Of The Quarter Board in January.
SCHNIKES!
She makes it sound like I'm staying here on this post, no questions asked. The current commander sounds like I won't even stay in this company, and the incoming commander seems undecided. Truth is, I just want to be able to count on something for a while. I've moved around too much, and I just want to be able to get the internet without worrying I'll be moved in another week. At one point, I wanted to go up north, but now, well, I'd rather stay if I'm staying with this company. I just want stability.
I'm running the clinic, at least for the morning, if not the whole day.
The e5 technician that is supposed to come to us is in reception, and word is he's coming here to my clinic.
We shall see.
My 1sg came in at the end of the day yesterday to talk to me. She's looking at me as an NCO now (I'm getting pinned with the shield on the 28th!!!!) and I'm going to the Soldier Of The Month Board- in September, October, November and December, and I can count on the Soldier Of The Quarter Board in January.
SCHNIKES!
She makes it sound like I'm staying here on this post, no questions asked. The current commander sounds like I won't even stay in this company, and the incoming commander seems undecided. Truth is, I just want to be able to count on something for a while. I've moved around too much, and I just want to be able to get the internet without worrying I'll be moved in another week. At one point, I wanted to go up north, but now, well, I'd rather stay if I'm staying with this company. I just want stability.
I'm running the clinic, at least for the morning, if not the whole day.
The e5 technician that is supposed to come to us is in reception, and word is he's coming here to my clinic.
We shall see.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Endless Sunshine
She pissed me off.
I hate it when people cut me off.
She knocked me when I was proud of myself.
I ran the battalion run today, and did better than I ever have before on one- and had 4 hair ties break before the halfway mark.
FOUR.
I'm not really sure it would have been logical to be any more prepared than I was, but, oh well.
My 1sg got pissed that I didn't finish with the company. I made it farther, and stayed closer to the formation than I ever have before. I suck at running, I'm aware.
I made it farther and ran better than I have before- and did it with one hand holding my hair up for close to 45 minutes.
My arm was asleep, I pushed myself to nausea, and still did what I could. I also took a minor ass-chewing from HHD's 1sg without flinching.
I freaked the **** out when she snapped at me over it, when I tried to explain. I held it in, though, and sprinted back to the barracks (HHD's 1sg had given me a hairtie to use when I explained the situation and why my hair looked retarded and fell below my collar) and let it out there. I didn't freak out in front of anyone. I look up to Top, and it screwed with my head that she'd cut me off and chew my ass like that.
I refuse to let her or anyone else get to me, though.
I will smile, no matter what, and I will hold my head up because, dammit, I did better than I could have expected. If you're wondering, yes, it really is more difficult to breath with your arm(s) above your heart. I felt like I was in the very early stages of anaphylaxis- my throat and chest felt tight, and I kept pushing anyway.
It's been almost 2 weeks since I had a meltdown at work.
YOU WILL NOT TAKE THIS FROM ME!
Nobody will.
The mean people will not win.
My nickname used to be Sunshine- I'll be damned if it's going to rain on my parade.
I hate it when people cut me off.
She knocked me when I was proud of myself.
I ran the battalion run today, and did better than I ever have before on one- and had 4 hair ties break before the halfway mark.
FOUR.
I'm not really sure it would have been logical to be any more prepared than I was, but, oh well.
My 1sg got pissed that I didn't finish with the company. I made it farther, and stayed closer to the formation than I ever have before. I suck at running, I'm aware.
I made it farther and ran better than I have before- and did it with one hand holding my hair up for close to 45 minutes.
My arm was asleep, I pushed myself to nausea, and still did what I could. I also took a minor ass-chewing from HHD's 1sg without flinching.
I freaked the **** out when she snapped at me over it, when I tried to explain. I held it in, though, and sprinted back to the barracks (HHD's 1sg had given me a hairtie to use when I explained the situation and why my hair looked retarded and fell below my collar) and let it out there. I didn't freak out in front of anyone. I look up to Top, and it screwed with my head that she'd cut me off and chew my ass like that.
I refuse to let her or anyone else get to me, though.
I will smile, no matter what, and I will hold my head up because, dammit, I did better than I could have expected. If you're wondering, yes, it really is more difficult to breath with your arm(s) above your heart. I felt like I was in the very early stages of anaphylaxis- my throat and chest felt tight, and I kept pushing anyway.
It's been almost 2 weeks since I had a meltdown at work.
YOU WILL NOT TAKE THIS FROM ME!
Nobody will.
The mean people will not win.
My nickname used to be Sunshine- I'll be damned if it's going to rain on my parade.
Monday, August 10, 2009
No Grind, No Gold
I'm trying to focus on work.
Right now, though, I'm having trouble staying awake.
That's rough, even for me.
It's definitely a Monday, though there are some highlights, at least.
I realized, as my nco vented (probably a little too loudly, in retrospect) about some disrespectful tendencies our provider has, that there are people- more than I'd noticed- who let less than outstanding leadership get to them worse than I do. That's a pretty decent boost to my ego, as I'm still coming out of my PTSD-fog.
I'm still not sure it can be appropriately called PTSD, because of the length of time and age it began at, but I have no other name for it.
It's been hard not to believe I am less than others because of my weakness in controlling my emotions and reactions. I am- slowly- beginning to see that, well, frankly, shit happens.
I have started realizing that real people are going to forgive my freak outs and carry on with it like nothing happened, and love me none the less for it.
A quote my friend Kore repeats a lot 'Real recognize real, and the rest just fade away.'
Rachel was fake, as much as I hate to admit it. I loved her as a sister, regardless, but she wasn't ever the person she tried to be, and she was never capable of total honesty. It startled me how much she reminded me of my mother, and more so in retrospect. I learned a lesson from her, though, and there were some good memories. I've moved on.
Truth is, there have been many fakes in my life, but I'm learning- quickly- to seperate myself from people who just 'don't feel right'. I can only do so much on my own.
I am proud of how far I have come, and hope I will continue to grow in this direction without any more slippage.
Right now, though, I'm having trouble staying awake.
That's rough, even for me.
It's definitely a Monday, though there are some highlights, at least.
I realized, as my nco vented (probably a little too loudly, in retrospect) about some disrespectful tendencies our provider has, that there are people- more than I'd noticed- who let less than outstanding leadership get to them worse than I do. That's a pretty decent boost to my ego, as I'm still coming out of my PTSD-fog.
I'm still not sure it can be appropriately called PTSD, because of the length of time and age it began at, but I have no other name for it.
It's been hard not to believe I am less than others because of my weakness in controlling my emotions and reactions. I am- slowly- beginning to see that, well, frankly, shit happens.
I have started realizing that real people are going to forgive my freak outs and carry on with it like nothing happened, and love me none the less for it.
A quote my friend Kore repeats a lot 'Real recognize real, and the rest just fade away.'
Rachel was fake, as much as I hate to admit it. I loved her as a sister, regardless, but she wasn't ever the person she tried to be, and she was never capable of total honesty. It startled me how much she reminded me of my mother, and more so in retrospect. I learned a lesson from her, though, and there were some good memories. I've moved on.
Truth is, there have been many fakes in my life, but I'm learning- quickly- to seperate myself from people who just 'don't feel right'. I can only do so much on my own.
I am proud of how far I have come, and hope I will continue to grow in this direction without any more slippage.
I found myself disconnecting from back home again this last weekend. It's hard to be homesick. I realized recently that I will have to work much harder than I'd anticipated to balance my relationship and my life here. I miss and love Ryan very much, but that makes it that much harder to be away from him. I try to keep him up to speed on everything going on in my life, but mostly that feels like telling a lot of 'you had to be there' stories in succesion. This is going to take some planning. Once I find out if my new commander wants me to stay here on this post or transfer up north, I will start trying to live a little more permanantly and get the internet and a VOIP phone. Speaking of which, I will put that on the list of things to do on payday.
I am sitting here listening to an mp3 Ryan sent me of him and his band Bloody Marble Collective. My favorite song they played was Professor's Magical Beginnings, which is the one I'm listening to. I remember sitting and watching them play when I thought I'd never have a shot with him, and, once, falling asleep on the couch in the band room, until Ryan woke me up. I loved listening to them play- all very talented musicians. Eric still amazes me- I never thought that much voice could come out of such a skinny dude. He had a great voice, though. Naturally, Ryan was the rock star persona, though, and tended to be the show off. He told me recently he brought me there because he knew I had a thing for him, and knew that would only aggravate the feelings. He's such an ass sometimes.
I would have done the same thing, and I'm relatively sure the way I dressed was my way of doing the same thing to him. Now I'm stuck with him. Look what I did. *sigh* :-)
Friday, August 07, 2009
No Drag (Late-Publish)
Yesterday was a long day, just as today is bound to be.
Wednesday afternoon, my NCO and I had a surprise inspection of our clinic sprung on us as we were closing up shop. I left work more than an hour late, and we still have plenty to square away today for the 'big' inspection on Monday.
Yesterday, I came to the clinic at 0415 and got back to my barracks at 2100. We drove up to our Northern half's clinic, and I met our incoming 1sg, as well as our incoming commander. I like them both, to be honest, and that surprised me in itself. We have others expected to come in over the next month. I really like both of these folks so far, and look forward to getting to work with them in their clinic, hopefully, in the near(ish) future.
I didn't get to talk to Ryan much yesterday, which was dissappointing, but, as always, he made me smile monumentally when I did get to talk to him. I'm sure the glow will fade a bit eventually, but I have a hard time imagining it doing so just now. I'm just enjoying what I have while I can. I was congratulated in front of my entire company yesterday on getting engaged. Marriage, in the Army's eyes, is more or less equivelant to a coming of age, so long as it's not the juicy-girl brand of marriage. It amuses me the number of times I've seen that attitude, but, none the less, I'm happy in my choice, and want nothing more.
My new 1sg is already calling me Specialist, and I can't tell you how thrilled I am. CPL won't happen, it turns out, because we aren't slotted the right way for that in this company. That's okay, I'll just get my sergeant and get it out of the way. :-)
Life is good, and I'm doing much better keeping my emotions in check. I've been taking calcium, vitamin c and glucosamine chondroitin (sp?) every morning on top of my usual anti-depressant, and I think it's helping the physical aspects of this all enough to make a difference.
Wednesday afternoon, my NCO and I had a surprise inspection of our clinic sprung on us as we were closing up shop. I left work more than an hour late, and we still have plenty to square away today for the 'big' inspection on Monday.
Yesterday, I came to the clinic at 0415 and got back to my barracks at 2100. We drove up to our Northern half's clinic, and I met our incoming 1sg, as well as our incoming commander. I like them both, to be honest, and that surprised me in itself. We have others expected to come in over the next month. I really like both of these folks so far, and look forward to getting to work with them in their clinic, hopefully, in the near(ish) future.
I didn't get to talk to Ryan much yesterday, which was dissappointing, but, as always, he made me smile monumentally when I did get to talk to him. I'm sure the glow will fade a bit eventually, but I have a hard time imagining it doing so just now. I'm just enjoying what I have while I can. I was congratulated in front of my entire company yesterday on getting engaged. Marriage, in the Army's eyes, is more or less equivelant to a coming of age, so long as it's not the juicy-girl brand of marriage. It amuses me the number of times I've seen that attitude, but, none the less, I'm happy in my choice, and want nothing more.
My new 1sg is already calling me Specialist, and I can't tell you how thrilled I am. CPL won't happen, it turns out, because we aren't slotted the right way for that in this company. That's okay, I'll just get my sergeant and get it out of the way. :-)
Life is good, and I'm doing much better keeping my emotions in check. I've been taking calcium, vitamin c and glucosamine chondroitin (sp?) every morning on top of my usual anti-depressant, and I think it's helping the physical aspects of this all enough to make a difference.
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
The ROK Way
It's no secret I'm eager to be home in the good old 48.
However, every so often, though it seems to happen more and more frequently, I have an experience that makes me realize that, yes, I will very much miss this place when I am no longer here.
KATUSAs, for the unfamiliar, are Korean soldiers who work with the U.S. soldiers. KATUSA stands for Korean Augmentee To United States Army. (I actually knew that off the top of my head- impressive, huh? An Army wife taught me.) They have a horrible reputation, as a whole, but I can't say enough good things about them. These are Korean males doing their mandatory 2 years of service for their country with a people they know little or nothing of, as a rule. Some have been to the states, most haven't even met an American before being selected as a KATUSA. They studied hard enough (and, often enough, had rich enough families to afford such an education) that their English (or ability to learn it) was considered good enough to work with Americans. They have to apply for this privelege, and some who are incredibly proficient choose not to. However, they are the biggest source of kindness and manners throughout my average work day.
Koreans are, by nature, very respectful. There are good and bad folks of every race, gender and creed, but Koreans never fail to amaze me, anyway. Our instruction to patients here in Optometry Land is to come back in two weeks to pick up their glasses. A younger KATUSA- not quite a "baby" KATUSA, as he was unnaccompanied, but a fairly new one, just came in to pick up his glasses. As you might imagine, there is still a bit of a language barrier at times. He was no exception. It took some discussion to figure out that he was here just to pick up, and not to order, glasses. However, when we did get there, he got a worried and apologetic look on his face, and proceeded to explain to me that he was late to pick them up, that it had been more than 2 weeks. I smiled at the thought of any American soldier apologizing for such a thing! It would never happen! It makes little to no difference, in reality, but just the sheer respect of this act made me smile and realize, yet again, how blessed I am to have an opportunity to experience fully a culture that many Americans have little knowledge of at all.
I am looking forward to returning home, but I will miss this beautiful country, especially it's people!
However, every so often, though it seems to happen more and more frequently, I have an experience that makes me realize that, yes, I will very much miss this place when I am no longer here.
KATUSAs, for the unfamiliar, are Korean soldiers who work with the U.S. soldiers. KATUSA stands for Korean Augmentee To United States Army. (I actually knew that off the top of my head- impressive, huh? An Army wife taught me.) They have a horrible reputation, as a whole, but I can't say enough good things about them. These are Korean males doing their mandatory 2 years of service for their country with a people they know little or nothing of, as a rule. Some have been to the states, most haven't even met an American before being selected as a KATUSA. They studied hard enough (and, often enough, had rich enough families to afford such an education) that their English (or ability to learn it) was considered good enough to work with Americans. They have to apply for this privelege, and some who are incredibly proficient choose not to. However, they are the biggest source of kindness and manners throughout my average work day.
Koreans are, by nature, very respectful. There are good and bad folks of every race, gender and creed, but Koreans never fail to amaze me, anyway. Our instruction to patients here in Optometry Land is to come back in two weeks to pick up their glasses. A younger KATUSA- not quite a "baby" KATUSA, as he was unnaccompanied, but a fairly new one, just came in to pick up his glasses. As you might imagine, there is still a bit of a language barrier at times. He was no exception. It took some discussion to figure out that he was here just to pick up, and not to order, glasses. However, when we did get there, he got a worried and apologetic look on his face, and proceeded to explain to me that he was late to pick them up, that it had been more than 2 weeks. I smiled at the thought of any American soldier apologizing for such a thing! It would never happen! It makes little to no difference, in reality, but just the sheer respect of this act made me smile and realize, yet again, how blessed I am to have an opportunity to experience fully a culture that many Americans have little knowledge of at all.
I am looking forward to returning home, but I will miss this beautiful country, especially it's people!
Sunshine!!!!!
I called the man last night, and had a half hour conversation with a half-asleep, and ridiculously silly 6 ft 6 (approx), tattooed, pierced, grizzly-looking teddy bear.
He has been my friend for years, and there hasn't been a day that's gone by since the 24th (day we got engaged) that I haven't wondered how I missed so much of who he really is underneath the ink and steel and Rock Star persona.
I have an amazing fiance, and his family, well, I got lucky there, too. I already knew his kids were just cool, but I just got an email from his older brother, Jason, welcoming me into the family.
I can't put into words just how happy I am with this new chapter in my life.
It was only a couple weeks ago when I realized much of what I'd known about my life was wrong, and that the fresh start I'd so wanted my whole life was always mine for the taking.
It's interesting to me to learn which lessons it is I'd needed to discover all along in order to find a place I could be truly happy and begin the family I'd so looked forward to.
I'm marrying my best friend!
I'm having a great day today, and I don't even have to try.
Tomorrow will be long, but that's okay. I get to meet my new commander tomorrow, too.
Everything's just blowing my mind today with how well it's working out.
I'm so grateful and so blessed.
Chaplain is helping me out with getting info on how to do the marriage from different continents. Hopefully his connection up at legal on Yongsan will have more information than I've been able to find.
I'm also hoping the ceremony in Maine that Ryan and I are planning is able to happen, though I know Ryan is the man and will have it all under control, anyway.
This is a beautiful life!
He has been my friend for years, and there hasn't been a day that's gone by since the 24th (day we got engaged) that I haven't wondered how I missed so much of who he really is underneath the ink and steel and Rock Star persona.
I have an amazing fiance, and his family, well, I got lucky there, too. I already knew his kids were just cool, but I just got an email from his older brother, Jason, welcoming me into the family.
I can't put into words just how happy I am with this new chapter in my life.
It was only a couple weeks ago when I realized much of what I'd known about my life was wrong, and that the fresh start I'd so wanted my whole life was always mine for the taking.
It's interesting to me to learn which lessons it is I'd needed to discover all along in order to find a place I could be truly happy and begin the family I'd so looked forward to.
I'm marrying my best friend!
I'm having a great day today, and I don't even have to try.
Tomorrow will be long, but that's okay. I get to meet my new commander tomorrow, too.
Everything's just blowing my mind today with how well it's working out.
I'm so grateful and so blessed.
Chaplain is helping me out with getting info on how to do the marriage from different continents. Hopefully his connection up at legal on Yongsan will have more information than I've been able to find.
I'm also hoping the ceremony in Maine that Ryan and I are planning is able to happen, though I know Ryan is the man and will have it all under control, anyway.
This is a beautiful life!
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
Faint Of Heart
I was told early on in basic that I would never be the fastest or strongest, but that I definitely had the most heart.
The pain feels like a two way mirror- I can see the pain, and how it acts, but I never see my own face reflecting back during those actions. It feels like watching another person when I get like that.
I have so many problems. I have so many mountains left to climb, and so many battles to fight. It seems insane to me that someone who probably knows more about me and how I operate than almost anyone sees past all these issues, all my problems, and loves me anyway. When I feel like the biggest failure, the weakest person on the planet, it occurs to me that the toughest man I know loves me.
How can I be right about what I see in the mirror if this man loves me so damn much?
The two thoughts aren't compatible- and that seems to be a lifeline of sorts.
The amount of amazing stuff he wants to do for me- and believes I'm worth- astounds me.
He's not one to fall easily or accept less than what he wants.
I'm what he wants, and it's taken us nearly half a decade to come to this point.
I have to trust what he sees over what I see, sometimes.
I guess that's what love is all about, though, isn't it?
The pain feels like a two way mirror- I can see the pain, and how it acts, but I never see my own face reflecting back during those actions. It feels like watching another person when I get like that.
I have so many problems. I have so many mountains left to climb, and so many battles to fight. It seems insane to me that someone who probably knows more about me and how I operate than almost anyone sees past all these issues, all my problems, and loves me anyway. When I feel like the biggest failure, the weakest person on the planet, it occurs to me that the toughest man I know loves me.
How can I be right about what I see in the mirror if this man loves me so damn much?
The two thoughts aren't compatible- and that seems to be a lifeline of sorts.
The amount of amazing stuff he wants to do for me- and believes I'm worth- astounds me.
He's not one to fall easily or accept less than what he wants.
I'm what he wants, and it's taken us nearly half a decade to come to this point.
I have to trust what he sees over what I see, sometimes.
I guess that's what love is all about, though, isn't it?
The Exception And The Rule
My friend Beth H said something to me one day that I don't think she realized would echo in my mind for, well, it's still echoing a week or two later.
"So long as I'm nice and polite to them, the mean people don't win."
It was a thought she explained that she'd had as a child, and I can't help but be astounded at how smart a child she was.
It is this line, and the fact that, when I get upset I think of things as being the exception- thus why I allow myself to be upset about them- rather than the rule. I know there are always last minute changes in the Army- but every one so far has been labeled, in my head, as 'the exception' instead of 'the rule' and, thus, I am allowed to be upset when it happens.
Retarded people happen, too- another rule.
I'm doing my damndest to get a handle on this thing.
Whatever it is.
Whatever it can be called, being such a thing.
I can not let my emotions control me, because, as a very young Beth said, then the mean people win. If there's one thing I'm stubborn with, it's competition- and no one is going to beat me. So, I smile when I'm trying not to cry and I say 'Yes, sergeant' when I want to scream 'You blipping moron! What the hell are you thinking? Did you hear anything that was just said? What is wrong with you? No wonder you can't pick up any rank!' I'm getting good at this game, if slowly. These things take practice, I suppose. I want this. No- I NEED this. I need to be in control, for the first time in my life, really be in control. I broke down last night, it was bad. I must have been in the shower for an hour. My skin was raw and sore from the hot water and scrubbing. All I could think was 'No more of them.' I wanted those people off my body, my skin, my mind and my heart. No amount of scrubbing will take away what they did- it takes much more work than a shower. I won't let them win. I won't let the mean people win.
This life is hard. I don't care that some people tell me that I've 'had it rough' or the like- I'm not strong, I'm not any better or stronger than anyone else. I'm just a little more stubborn, and blessed enough to have some truly amazing people in my life to help me counteract all the negativity. I can break down, it won't end anything, it won't hurt anyone. I need to let myself break down like I did last night, just a little more often. Even if it hurts much worse, it relieved so much pain, it dissolved so much fear.
I feel lost, and I feel like less than others most of the time.
I don't know if that makes me the exception or the rule.
"So long as I'm nice and polite to them, the mean people don't win."
It was a thought she explained that she'd had as a child, and I can't help but be astounded at how smart a child she was.
It is this line, and the fact that, when I get upset I think of things as being the exception- thus why I allow myself to be upset about them- rather than the rule. I know there are always last minute changes in the Army- but every one so far has been labeled, in my head, as 'the exception' instead of 'the rule' and, thus, I am allowed to be upset when it happens.
Retarded people happen, too- another rule.
I'm doing my damndest to get a handle on this thing.
Whatever it is.
Whatever it can be called, being such a thing.
I can not let my emotions control me, because, as a very young Beth said, then the mean people win. If there's one thing I'm stubborn with, it's competition- and no one is going to beat me. So, I smile when I'm trying not to cry and I say 'Yes, sergeant' when I want to scream 'You blipping moron! What the hell are you thinking? Did you hear anything that was just said? What is wrong with you? No wonder you can't pick up any rank!' I'm getting good at this game, if slowly. These things take practice, I suppose. I want this. No- I NEED this. I need to be in control, for the first time in my life, really be in control. I broke down last night, it was bad. I must have been in the shower for an hour. My skin was raw and sore from the hot water and scrubbing. All I could think was 'No more of them.' I wanted those people off my body, my skin, my mind and my heart. No amount of scrubbing will take away what they did- it takes much more work than a shower. I won't let them win. I won't let the mean people win.
This life is hard. I don't care that some people tell me that I've 'had it rough' or the like- I'm not strong, I'm not any better or stronger than anyone else. I'm just a little more stubborn, and blessed enough to have some truly amazing people in my life to help me counteract all the negativity. I can break down, it won't end anything, it won't hurt anyone. I need to let myself break down like I did last night, just a little more often. Even if it hurts much worse, it relieved so much pain, it dissolved so much fear.
I feel lost, and I feel like less than others most of the time.
I don't know if that makes me the exception or the rule.
I just know this is a battle- a war- I refuse to lose.
Double Vision
I'm struggling a little today, as last night completely sucked, so I am tired.
I was talking to Ashton, after he mentioned me being "strong", and it was about my past stuff.
There were some things I remembered for the first time.
It wasn't a new incident, but it made me look at everything a different way.
I realized how far back my behavior has shown signs of trauma- a few weeks ago, I remembered the panic when I was seven. Naturally, I thought that was when the PTSD must have started, though it seems incredible to me that a child could develop these issues.
Now, though, I realize that there has to be more than I really do remember. My behavior showed signs of having been sexually traumatized as young as four. I remember the incident from when I was three- it was another child who had been traumatized passing on the lessons his parents had taught him- but until now, I really didn't believe that was the brunt of any of this.
How do you deal with something like this?
I remember behaviors at 4, at 7, at 11 that showed that I hadn't begun healing from this.
How can I even call it PTSD if it was going on all these years?
What do I call it if I don't?
Twenty years ago a little boy at our babysitter's house wanted to play the 'Lions and Tigers Game'. It was years before I would use crayons again. Behind that big tree that was so good for climbing, my heart broke for the first time. People weren't all good- how does a three year old's mind process this? Even today, I struggle with how people are capable of making the decisions they do. How, at three years old, did this not tear apart the intricate and still fragile tissues of my young mind?
How, at twenty three, am I still struggling with this?
I identify so strongly with Pink's lyrics- wanting someone to stay more than anything, but, at the same time, being more scared of that than any other thing in the world. I struggle each day with feeling 'good enough'- and I never do.
I was talking to Ashton, after he mentioned me being "strong", and it was about my past stuff.
There were some things I remembered for the first time.
It wasn't a new incident, but it made me look at everything a different way.
I realized how far back my behavior has shown signs of trauma- a few weeks ago, I remembered the panic when I was seven. Naturally, I thought that was when the PTSD must have started, though it seems incredible to me that a child could develop these issues.
Now, though, I realize that there has to be more than I really do remember. My behavior showed signs of having been sexually traumatized as young as four. I remember the incident from when I was three- it was another child who had been traumatized passing on the lessons his parents had taught him- but until now, I really didn't believe that was the brunt of any of this.
How do you deal with something like this?
I remember behaviors at 4, at 7, at 11 that showed that I hadn't begun healing from this.
How can I even call it PTSD if it was going on all these years?
What do I call it if I don't?
Twenty years ago a little boy at our babysitter's house wanted to play the 'Lions and Tigers Game'. It was years before I would use crayons again. Behind that big tree that was so good for climbing, my heart broke for the first time. People weren't all good- how does a three year old's mind process this? Even today, I struggle with how people are capable of making the decisions they do. How, at three years old, did this not tear apart the intricate and still fragile tissues of my young mind?
How, at twenty three, am I still struggling with this?
I identify so strongly with Pink's lyrics- wanting someone to stay more than anything, but, at the same time, being more scared of that than any other thing in the world. I struggle each day with feeling 'good enough'- and I never do.
Monday, August 03, 2009
Goddess Of Rage
So, turns out I'm way more irritable when my ADHD is kicking up- like when I'm losing the battle of studying for the stupid quarter board.
GODDESS OF RAGE SMASH!
(DSP'ers, Blip is back in town. The trolls will be running for their furry little demon-spawn lives if they know what's good for them.)
GODDESS OF RAGE SMASH!
(DSP'ers, Blip is back in town. The trolls will be running for their furry little demon-spawn lives if they know what's good for them.)
Inspiration
Asked what his secret was for lasting so long and being so successful as the president of Yale University, Dr. James R. Angell explained: "Grow antennae, not horns."
"God gives every bird a worm, but He does not throw it into the nest." -Swedish proverb
"The most practical, beautiful, workable philosophy in the world won't work if you don't."
-Zig Ziglar
^Ziggy Wuz Hurr^
------___(-) (-)___------
UUU_____U____ UUU
"God gives every bird a worm, but He does not throw it into the nest." -Swedish proverb
"The most practical, beautiful, workable philosophy in the world won't work if you don't."
-Zig Ziglar
^Ziggy Wuz Hurr^
------___(-) (-)___------
UUU_____U____ UUU
Bang Bang
Holy hell.
Thinking about my mother and how my sister protects her is a trigger.
There's one I didn't see coming.
I'm not sure exactly what got my mind going on it, but it wasn't 60 seconds before I could feel my mood just drop like an elevator in a bad horror flick.
Well, I got that point loud and clear.
Out comes the iPod and Everclear gets turned on. I refuse to let myself get dragged down again already.
I really miss my Dad today. It's been a year and a half since I've seen him, and I feel pretty guilty about that. I've helped him when I could, but not the ways I would like to be able to.
I'm going to miss this place, but I'm ready to go home for a while.
For those of you that were curious, I can access blogger but not facebook from work, thus the RSS feed instead of regular notes. I like my blog anyway. *shrug*
Thinking about my mother and how my sister protects her is a trigger.
There's one I didn't see coming.
I'm not sure exactly what got my mind going on it, but it wasn't 60 seconds before I could feel my mood just drop like an elevator in a bad horror flick.
Well, I got that point loud and clear.
Out comes the iPod and Everclear gets turned on. I refuse to let myself get dragged down again already.
I really miss my Dad today. It's been a year and a half since I've seen him, and I feel pretty guilty about that. I've helped him when I could, but not the ways I would like to be able to.
I'm going to miss this place, but I'm ready to go home for a while.
For those of you that were curious, I can access blogger but not facebook from work, thus the RSS feed instead of regular notes. I like my blog anyway. *shrug*
Hooah! I'm Home!
Well, it's back to work for Ski.
Funny part is, I was actually missing work.
...I know, right?
I missed it enough to actually make it through PT without contemplating smacking anyone. No, seriously. It happened!!
Work is going well today, no patients scheduled, so it's just the walk ins and the phone calls, which is plenty anyway, but it gives me a few minutes to myself every now and again. MedPros are updated, three appointments set, two reschedules clarified, and a SGM reminding me to remove the pink nail polish that I definitely should not have let the salon put two coats of on.
It's Barbie pink. Scary.
Lunch time, it's coming off.
Meanwhile, the chain of command has been made aware of my engagement. As is to be expected, there was enough surprise to go around, but that's just fine with me, cuz I was surprised, too, if pleasantly so.
Muscle memory has made this day a lot easier- you'd be amazed how brain dead one can go after only 2 weeks of absence.
After lunch, or maybe before if I'm feeling froggy, I'll check all of the expirations on meds. Other than that, phone calls and walk ins. Too easy!!!
I must be retarded for enjoying this job this much.
Funny part is, I was actually missing work.
...I know, right?
I missed it enough to actually make it through PT without contemplating smacking anyone. No, seriously. It happened!!
Work is going well today, no patients scheduled, so it's just the walk ins and the phone calls, which is plenty anyway, but it gives me a few minutes to myself every now and again. MedPros are updated, three appointments set, two reschedules clarified, and a SGM reminding me to remove the pink nail polish that I definitely should not have let the salon put two coats of on.
It's Barbie pink. Scary.
Lunch time, it's coming off.
Meanwhile, the chain of command has been made aware of my engagement. As is to be expected, there was enough surprise to go around, but that's just fine with me, cuz I was surprised, too, if pleasantly so.
Muscle memory has made this day a lot easier- you'd be amazed how brain dead one can go after only 2 weeks of absence.
After lunch, or maybe before if I'm feeling froggy, I'll check all of the expirations on meds. Other than that, phone calls and walk ins. Too easy!!!
I must be retarded for enjoying this job this much.
Sunday, August 02, 2009
Fairytale Princess
Reality is bound to set in eventually, making this all harder, right?
Every single day Ryan has done something that just throws me for a loop and makes me think "I'm engaged to a man like that?!" He's incredibly good to me, and, without a doubt in his mind, believes I deserve every bit of it.
I find myself listening to two artists a lot; Everclear (band) and Pink.
I'm not entirely sure why I relate so much to Everclear's music, but it always seems to set me back on an even keel after something retarded has happened.
Pink, however, I know damned well why I relate to.
She's me. I mean, listen to her lyrics: she's the tough girl, the brute, the independent woman who's been through hell and back again and doesn't need anyone- but is scared as hell she doesn't deserve what she wants the most, or the love that she's getting. She pushes the ones who love her away, praying they won't go. It's my life, man.
I'm terrified I will wind up hurting Ryan or pushing him away. I've known this man for nearly five years and, despite the fact that he clearly remember the year I was born (cradle robber), he loves me despite all the madness he's seen in me.
He knows how crazy I am, he knows... hell... this boy knows way too much about me. He knows me well enough that I can tell him exactly what I'm most scared of ending our relationship, and he and I can talk so openly about it that it doesn't phase me that I'm sitting in a public area with people walking by overhearing what really should have been a private conversation. I've never felt so safe with anyone. I haven't seen this man in two years, yet still I know, without a doubt, that he has my best interests at heart 100% of the time. I don't think I've ever been that sure with anyone in my life. This is crazy. This is amazing.
I go back to work tomorrow. I'd be lying if I said I was looking forward to all of it, nevermind the getting up at 0500 hrs part, but I'll be glad to be back on a regular schedule. I think that'll help me. I want to get a little deeper into the retention thing, it's way past due. I want those corporal stripes. I can make my sgt, when it's time, I'm not even worried about that. Corporal, though, not everyone gets. I want it, bad. I want that privilege. I want to know I earned that. That would just mean so much to me. I have to earn it, though, and that means I really need to step my game up, and get my head seriously into this Hooah crap. PT is going to have to start being a bigger focus for me, too. Right now, my body hates me. It has to be a combination of the PTSD and the meds, but I have lost a serious amount of weight, and my muscles are definitely hurting for it. We're talking like 30 lbs in the last 4 months or so, I'd guess. My belt has about an inch and a half of slack on it on it's tightest notch. Anyone who knows me knows that skinny is not healthy for me. I lose muscle way faster than I realize.
So I know my goals- now all I have to do is reach them. Simple!
I'm grateful for all I have-not least of all my husband-to-be!
(And my future stepchildren are pretty frikkin cool too.)
Every single day Ryan has done something that just throws me for a loop and makes me think "I'm engaged to a man like that?!" He's incredibly good to me, and, without a doubt in his mind, believes I deserve every bit of it.
I find myself listening to two artists a lot; Everclear (band) and Pink.
I'm not entirely sure why I relate so much to Everclear's music, but it always seems to set me back on an even keel after something retarded has happened.
Pink, however, I know damned well why I relate to.
She's me. I mean, listen to her lyrics: she's the tough girl, the brute, the independent woman who's been through hell and back again and doesn't need anyone- but is scared as hell she doesn't deserve what she wants the most, or the love that she's getting. She pushes the ones who love her away, praying they won't go. It's my life, man.
I'm terrified I will wind up hurting Ryan or pushing him away. I've known this man for nearly five years and, despite the fact that he clearly remember the year I was born (cradle robber), he loves me despite all the madness he's seen in me.
He knows how crazy I am, he knows... hell... this boy knows way too much about me. He knows me well enough that I can tell him exactly what I'm most scared of ending our relationship, and he and I can talk so openly about it that it doesn't phase me that I'm sitting in a public area with people walking by overhearing what really should have been a private conversation. I've never felt so safe with anyone. I haven't seen this man in two years, yet still I know, without a doubt, that he has my best interests at heart 100% of the time. I don't think I've ever been that sure with anyone in my life. This is crazy. This is amazing.
I go back to work tomorrow. I'd be lying if I said I was looking forward to all of it, nevermind the getting up at 0500 hrs part, but I'll be glad to be back on a regular schedule. I think that'll help me. I want to get a little deeper into the retention thing, it's way past due. I want those corporal stripes. I can make my sgt, when it's time, I'm not even worried about that. Corporal, though, not everyone gets. I want it, bad. I want that privilege. I want to know I earned that. That would just mean so much to me. I have to earn it, though, and that means I really need to step my game up, and get my head seriously into this Hooah crap. PT is going to have to start being a bigger focus for me, too. Right now, my body hates me. It has to be a combination of the PTSD and the meds, but I have lost a serious amount of weight, and my muscles are definitely hurting for it. We're talking like 30 lbs in the last 4 months or so, I'd guess. My belt has about an inch and a half of slack on it on it's tightest notch. Anyone who knows me knows that skinny is not healthy for me. I lose muscle way faster than I realize.
So I know my goals- now all I have to do is reach them. Simple!
I'm grateful for all I have-not least of all my husband-to-be!
(And my future stepchildren are pretty frikkin cool too.)
Saturday, August 01, 2009
Flux
I went up North today to see the Demilitarized Zone (aka DMZ). This is the area seperating North Korea, and it's crazy little dictator man with the high heels, from the good ol ROK- Republic of Korea, or South Korea. It was quite the experience. Standing just a few yards from someone who's entire purpose in life is to destroy everything past generations of my brothers and sisters in arms- both American and Korean- have worked to build. He watched us, while his counterpart took pictures from a little window with a big camera. The idea behind them taking pictures is to use them as propaganda to tell all their brainwashed citizens what horrible people Westerners are, not to mention the 'defected' South Koreans. ROK folks are among the nicest, most intelligent, grateful and friendly people I have ever encountered, without a doubt. These people are a people worth standing beside, fighting beside, and defending.
As with many military things, infantry blue (or baby blue to the uninitiated) was a common theme on this trip. I'm not sure just when it began, but I realized that, more and more, I find myself drawn to this color. I could go into the whole psycho analays of it- red being a color of passion, and blue being a color of peace- but it doesn't really matter why.
Anyway, I talked to Ryan for over an hour and a half tonight. I realize more, each time I talk to him, how much I really do love him, and how paramount this relationship really is. He'd do anything for me. He's never said those words- he's never had to I'm so grateful and happy to have him, and it's so mutual. I'm just astonished at exactly how happy I am in a stable, long-distance relationship with a man I haven't seen in nearly 2 years, and am not sure I'll see for another year still. This is what it's really all about.
I swear to God, though, I'm having a c-section when it's time to have kids. I am not about to try to push a baby who shares the genetics of my 10-lbs-at-birth and his 11 out that particular area of my body. No sir, aint gonna happen!
:-)
Life is good.
As with many military things, infantry blue (or baby blue to the uninitiated) was a common theme on this trip. I'm not sure just when it began, but I realized that, more and more, I find myself drawn to this color. I could go into the whole psycho analays of it- red being a color of passion, and blue being a color of peace- but it doesn't really matter why.
Anyway, I talked to Ryan for over an hour and a half tonight. I realize more, each time I talk to him, how much I really do love him, and how paramount this relationship really is. He'd do anything for me. He's never said those words- he's never had to I'm so grateful and happy to have him, and it's so mutual. I'm just astonished at exactly how happy I am in a stable, long-distance relationship with a man I haven't seen in nearly 2 years, and am not sure I'll see for another year still. This is what it's really all about.
I swear to God, though, I'm having a c-section when it's time to have kids. I am not about to try to push a baby who shares the genetics of my 10-lbs-at-birth and his 11 out that particular area of my body. No sir, aint gonna happen!
:-)
Life is good.
Stoopid Compooter
My phone was acting ridiculous earlier and I fell asleep waiting for it to register the network so I could call Ryan. Now, it's day time there, and he'll be charged for me calling him, so I have to find time tomorrow during my trip, cuz this is ridiculous.
The net at the hotel sucks, by the way. It decided it didn't want me getting back on Facebook.
It's ridiculously late, I have to be at point A for the bus ride NLT 0730, but, because I'm a bit of a frago, I'm making it 0700 so there's enough time to handle last minute issues.
Meanwhile, I wrote an article on my other blog ( http://www.gypsywings.blogger.com )that might be of interest. Either way, I'm kinda proud of it.
More soon, folks.
The net at the hotel sucks, by the way. It decided it didn't want me getting back on Facebook.
It's ridiculously late, I have to be at point A for the bus ride NLT 0730, but, because I'm a bit of a frago, I'm making it 0700 so there's enough time to handle last minute issues.
Meanwhile, I wrote an article on my other blog ( http://www.gypsywings.blogger.com )that might be of interest. Either way, I'm kinda proud of it.
More soon, folks.
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