Playing The Fool, Playing The Victim, Playing Myself

Growing up around mixed messages confuses you for the rest of your life, ask any woman.
I remember my Daddy explaining something to me as a young adult- I couldn't have been more than 12, if that, at the time. He told me that the parent of the opposite gender will dictate to a child what they're supposed to be, while the parent of the same gender shows the child how they should be that. It'd take me weeks to adequately explain why I agree so completely with this, as it's been at least 12 or 13 years that I've spent processing it and understanding it. Let's just say, my parents were two signals that, mostly, didn't so much as cross paths, never mind complement each other. Each did their best, but, well, what I knew I wanted to be and what I should be, and what I was being shown... were not the same thing.
It's taken me a lot of years to understand and come to terms with the fact that the path my mother is on will only lead to her own demise. The chaotic and often painful thoughts that I've had to come to grips with on the way to this understanding are overwhelming. The realization that I believed I was going to be no more than she was- well, that was hell to overcome. My mother, whether diagnosed or not, has been an alcoholic for, well, probably at least as long as I've been alive. Her father died of this, and I still couldn't tell you what her mother passed from, despite my best efforts to find out. Loneliness, I imagine, as much as anything else.
It's been nearly a year sober, with, admittedly, a few slips on my part. Frankly, even with the slips, that's a hell of an accomplishment. It's getting easier, too. I spend less of my emotion being angry at the struggle and more of it remembering why I don't want to go back to that.
Last night... something clicked in my head. I was raised being taught how to play the victim. Nothing was my fault, I couldn't help it, all the bad things were bound to happen to me, I had no control over it. (Chap, cover your eyes.) BULLSHIT! Granted, my behavior has come a long way since I saw that sort of attitude in my actions, much thanks to my ex-husband being the first person to genuinely tell me, no, you screwed up and you are responsible for that. (Yes, I'm truly grateful to have been married, to him, even if it wasn't what I wanted forever.) Now, here's the kicker- I still do the same crap in relationships. I get attached to the men I know I can't/shouldn't have, so that when it all goes to hell, it couldn't have been my fault, it was bound to happen. I stayed with a man who had fed me a huge lie, and had no intention of telling me about it, even after I found out about it. It couldn't have worked, because I lost all trust in this man, on top of the fact that it was a relationship I had to hide.
There's been a string of the same over the last few months, specifically. I'm sure if I cared to delve into it, it probably goes back farther, but the here n now is a little more relative to what I need to focus on. (It's 1 AM, the words are not coming like they should, so don't judge my grammar, please.)
Now that I see where I am struggling in my relationships, here's the bigger question; Do I want to try one for real?
...If I ever figure this out, I'll be sure to let you know. Meanwhile, there's a very sweet friend who insists he's not going to back off, because he likes me too much. I wonder if there'll ever be enough wrong with him for me to accept him. Hm.

Tough Girl (Go Away)

So, I was reading this article over at Yes Means Yes, and it caused a huge Eureka! moment for me. This article talks about girls self-depreciating and doing the ritualistic “I shouldn’t order the nachos…” bit at meals (it worries me that I’m so aware of this habit and never really thought about it) and why the confident, outgoing girl who refuses to participate in this is seen as a traitor of sorts. It makes sense, thinking about it- all women feel like their in competition with one another, which is something even the best of us have struggled with in some way- and those who refuse to put themselves in the competition are seen as thinking they are above the others, like there IS no competition for them.

The Eureka! part comes in about the time the article gets into women not apologizing for things not their fault- and EUREKA!- I refuse to do that BS! Wait a minute… That’s why I have a hard time with other females sometimes….! And then it really starts to sink in… All the effort I make to be a “sister” and not a competitor, and how so many females have forcefully rejected that offer. I try harder to be there for the females in my life (the accepting ones, anyway) than the males, simply because, well, the males aren’t competing with me. I don’t want to compete, unless we’re playing sports or something.

All of this gets wrapped up into things my Daddy and my brothers have told me about me being wild, strong, confident, all these words that I thought they were crazy for even thinking… I see it. I’m not sure it’ll stick, but the Eureka! of this article, well, I really hope it continues to resonate with me, and remind me when things get hard why I stand out. I don’t think I’m special because I don’t care what people think of me when I yell back at my brothers. I don’t think I’m special when I don’t back down no matter how many times I’m pushed, or when I push back harder than my brothers are willing to. Hell, I KNOW I’m going to get my butt kicked, they’re both bigger than me and have several years and plenty of fighting experience on me. It’s crazy to me that these are the things that make me different. These are just the things that, well, I don’t know how else to do them. I don’t back down- are you crazy? People that back down are the people that get walked on. THAT’S what makes me strong? Seriously?  Here I was trying to act more lady like, and now I see that, well, I wasn’t doing that badly for myself in the first place.

So, tough girl is here to stay….

I Can Do Good All By Myself

I had seen the first third or so of Tyler Perry's I Can Do Bad All By Myself ( http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1385912/ ) before, but I borrowed it from my big brother tonight to finish watching... More than a couple things hit home, which probably doesn't surprise you at all if you've ever seen this movie and know much at all about me.
At some point, I was texting a friend about plans we had made, and whether or not he'd be able to keep the plans, and I typed "I can handle anything so long as it's only my feelings I have to worry about." As I hit the send button, there was a SKIRK moment... You know, the tires screeching on the pavement because you've just realized that you almost drove right past the very point in the road you'd been looking for.
"I can handle anything so long as it's only my feelings I have to worry about."
Wait a second, where'd that come from? I'm not selfish, and I don't know too many people that I can imagine calling me that.
Yet, I knew this statement was absolutely true.
It's time to let it go. It's time to stop giving myself those excuses, and stop dismissing my own actions. I've been so busy for so many years feeling guilty about every choice I made, then swinging in the exact opposite direction because I was so tired of feeling guilty for everything... Literally, if I walk past a peice of trash on the street and don't pick it up, I feel guilty. No lie. Happens almost daily, though much of the time I'll stop, or even turn around, and pick it up.
It's time to stop being angry at myself and accept, hey, yeah, I made a bad choice. No 'but it was because I was emotional' or 'but it was because of the PTSD' etc... I've come too far to be blaming it on things that I don't let control my life anymore. I was given excuses as a child, I wasn't held responsible for my actions. Truth be told, it's a miracle I'm alive today with even one of the number of things I used to do. It's a miracle it didn't get a lot more serious. I'm not perfect, I never will be, because that's not who God made me to be. I can't help anyone if I haven't been through the darkness myself. Believe me, I've seen the darkness.
So, here I am. I've learned what happens when you trust someone when you've put both of you in a situation where temptation is present. I don't do that anymore. I stood outside in the hall for probably 20 minutes earlier, to spend a little while with someone I genuinely like. I've seen him for a little while every night since last Friday, and I have no intention of placing myself, or him, in a situation where temptation is going to get the better of us, because I'm not ready to give in to the temptation, and I'm only human, so I have to accept the fact that I just might not be strong enough to fight it.
Maybe this is who I'm supposed to be with for the rest of my life, maybe that's why he came into my life at this time.
Maybe he's just another person who was sent to my life to teach me something I needed to learn.
Either way, I understand far better, now, what choices I must make to be happy with the person looking back at me in the mirror.
It's been a long time since I let someone I loved hit me, but I did, at one point and time.
It's been a long time since I let someone tell me I wasn't worth their love, but I did, at one point and time.
I've done badly, in the name of "love".
Maybe some people can accept the fact that they can do bad all by themselves, but I'll tell you right now, that's not good enough for me.
I can do good all by myself.
START AGAIN.

Memphis Dreams

I’ve been doing a lot of introspection and growing lately. I’m not really sure how to explain where this latest burst of realization came from, but I know it was a true awakening.

I am not scared to be alone anymore. I am not going to accept that I must either completely excuse my behavior, or feel painfully guilty about it. There is an in-between.

I watched “I Can Do Bad All By Myself” tonight. It made me wake up to many of my own behaviors- like only being willing to be responsible for my own feelings. I’ll never be able to truly love in that frame of mind. I’m ready to move on.

I am seeing someone I truly care about right now, and have made a point of not putting us in a situation where temptation would be a factor. I spent 20 or so minutes in the hall with him, talking and such, just to be able to see him, but we haven’t spent any time in my room, or in his, because I am not ready to give in to the temptation, and I have accepted the fact that I am human, and I may not be strong enough to fight the temptation should it present itself.

Memphis… just keeps popping into my head. I spent one brief weekend there with my ex-husband, to see a concert- I can’t remember if we even spent the night there, to be honest- but I know I’ve wanted to go back so badly ever since.

I’ve started planning. I’m not sure when- maybe it’ll be in 17.5 years when I retire from the Army, or maybe it’ll be when I go home on leave after Korea- but I’m going to spend some time in Memphis. I’d like to have people with me, but I’m not really sure who I’d take, and I’m not really sure anyone would feel what I do about it. Memphis is a dream come true to me. Everything about it screams home to me, despite the fact I’ve barely spent any time there. It’s the Home of The Blues, and the Birthplace Of Rock & Roll. It’s Southern in the truest sense of the world. It’s Elvis’ home. It’s Dance Hall City to me. Have you ever seen Black Snake Moan? If you get to the part where they’re at the Dance Hall… It’s beautiful to me. Everyone dancing, everyone reckless and free, just moving, just existing… I like the movie, very much, honestly, but that part… just truly touches my soul, in a way I don’t know how to explain. That scene depicts Memphis, to me, as well. What that scene makes me feel, that overwhelming freedom and joy, is the same thing I feel when I think of Memphis. That, I believe, is where I’m meant to live some day. I don’t know why. I loved Atlanta when I was there, and Austin is a great city that I would truly like to spend more time in… But Memphis… is my dream.

Two Weeks

I'm not going to anyone's room to hang out or watch a movie, because that breeds trouble.
Opportunity is Temptation's alter ego. Don't give it the Opportunity, or Temptation will surely follow.
My faith has just got to come first. God and I both know I've got a long way to perfect, but I'm not going to go doing things that make me avoid looking in that mirror the next day. I'm tired of being that girl that isn't quite sure she regrets what she's done because, hey, she's still doing better than the majority, but, at the same time, she just feels like it was somehow wrong... I'm not going to keep going through that. I refuse to have to explain to one more guy after the fact 'hey, by the way, if you ever talk to me like that again, you're going to have a freak out on your hands'. If they can't walk with me step by step, they can get to steppin' before I waste my time.

The other day, one of my brothers did something that touched my heart in a way that blew me away- while I was sitting there talking with him, he said 'excuse me for a minute', and he got down on his knees and prayed. Just like that. He did it silently, but prayer is such a personal thing. You want me to know I'm really there with you for keeps? Ask me if I'll pray with you. It's like the man that takes a girl to his church on the first date- there's no disputing their priorities in life after that. That's something you just have to respect.

I want the man that's not afraid to touch me and kiss me in public. I don't need him to be all over me, or looking like I have him on a leash, I respect a man's, well, manhood, but if you're going to be out with me, be proud to be the one that came with me. If you can't be proud to be with a woman like me, stay home. Knowing that he's proud enough of me to let the world see that I'm with him, that who I am is cool with him, now that means something.

Your path doesn't have to be my path. If it's real, we can keep walking our own seperate paths while still doing that together. I'm in the Army, this life isn't easy, and I have no plans to leave it. I'll support your dream, just like you support mine. Our dreams are going to keep us strong, and our willingness to support each other's dreams is what will keep us together.

God has to be part of the picture. A relationship is a braid, it consists of three strands- you, me and God. If one is removed, the braid falls apart, and it's nothing more than string. You and I don't have to agree on every detail, but we do have to be able to talk openly about it.

The little things matter. Flowers are special because they're something beautiful that shows you were thinking of me while we were apart. Remembering what type of flower I like shows you were paying attention. It's not the only example, but it's a common one. Opening the door for me just shows that you don't mind doing little things to take care of me.

Trust, I will do all I am able to take care of a man who takes care of me.

If the braid is tight, there is no loosening, there is no drooping or slipping. It is tight, it is strong, it is beautiful, and it is forever. It's a partnership, regardless, though. Equal in all measures.

Show me what it is I've waited for, and I won't be so impatient to get there.

Like Other Girls

So, it's no secret that I have a pretty hard time staying single, or that most of my friends are male.
This week, though, I realized that I could definitely be doing worse.
There is a girl who's neighbor mentioned to me at one point that he was constantly hearing loud music and, er, other noises out of her room. I am friends with two very nice men who she's, well, she doesn't use the word date, as she prefers to stay available. Both of whom have seemed hurt enough in retrospect when they were let down by her in the long run.
I sit back, and watch this girl go through man after man, seeing her with 4 guys in a week at times, and wonder: What is it she's remaining available for???
I'm not one to judge, and I don't assume that every man a girl spends time with is a sexual partner or anything of the sort- in this case, though, I just wonder what it is, exactly, that I'm missing. While I don't like the thought/feeling of being single, this girl is at the opposite extreme, in a way, and seems to almost devour men who care about her. How do you not get attached? What is it you wait for through so much? Am I missing the point completely?

Maybe my heart is just too soft for people, but I just couldn't live this way. It worries and confuses me.

Patience, Love And The Reason For The Struggle

I was over here at One Baha'i's Approach reading about one Baha'i's quest for patience, when something he said struck home in a very deep way:

"When you know what the inevitable outcome must be, you are content to wait for it."

This statement is in reference to a quote from the Kitab-i-Iqan. It stuck me like a ton of bricks: the reason I struggle so much with love and relationships is because I am impatient for what I don't know how to experience. I didn't grow up watching a healthy, loving marriage, so I struggle with being patient for one of my own. That was quite the revelation. I'm not sure how much easier that will make handling the matter, but it is really comforting, and, in a way, empowering, to understand why I have been so troubled by the wait for such an elusive thing as love.

I'm perfect in the sight of God.
As for my own eyes, they don't always like what they see.
Once again, I say- Start Again.

Respect Is Just The Minimum

"Respect Is Just The Minimum"- That Thing, by Lauryn Hill
I love this line, and was reminded of it, as I sat at The Hilltop, eating my bulgogi and rice, listening to X Factor, the local Phillipino cover band play.
I've been doing a lot of meditating, praying and introspection lately, trying to figure out exactly where I stand with the whole relationship idea. I have a lot of people in my life who care about me, and am extremely lucky for that. I have also, finally, been fortunate enough to get in contact with a few people who share my Faith, and that has made it a whole lot easier to focus. I suppose some things are just harder for some people, and the struggle with do-I-or-don't-I-want-a-relationship is one I find myself constantly battling.
Then it hit me: What am I giving them to respect?
Okay, so let me explain this... I have been through hell, and come out the other side. Baptized by fire is, in some ways, an understatement. However, people don't look at your past. They look at who you are in this moment, in this day, and that is how they choose whether they want to be part of your life and whether they want to make you a part of theirs. I am worth the time and effort, and damned if I don't know this, but all they see right now is a medic, a woman. Divorced, twenty four years old, no children, not ugly, heavily tattooed... and to some people, these things alone make me worth it. However, the type of person I want in my life for the long run isn't someone who's drawn by something this simple. I want the best for myself, and expect the best from myself. I want to be a Flight Medic because they are, in my opinion, the best of the best. I love the Infantry mentality because they believe they are all there is- the first, last and only line of defense. In their own way, they are. I am a medic, and we are the only people who do what we do. Some more ignorant folks like to think we're glorified CLS, but medicine is my life, not my skill. It is all I want to do, professionally. Do I have room for improvement? Of course- there's nobody in the medical field who doesn't have room for improvement, that's the beauty of medicine. It's always evolving. It's an art more than a science. I love that.
Until I am that Flight Medic with the 300 PT score, the EFMB badge, my stripes, Sgt Audie Murphy board winner, and combat patch, well, I won't be happy. The thing is, each goal I reach will give the people in my life- or who may come into my life- that much more to respect. It's those tangible, undeniable, solid facts- those things that will be put on my ERB, for simplicity- that will show people I am worth getting to know.
My faith, my dreams, my personal accomplishments, all those things are what people will learn once they have decided to let me into their lives. More, these are things people will learn once I have decided to let them into MY LIFE. So, tomorrow, I will wake up, do PT, not choke anyone over whatever BS or last minute changes come my way, and continue on my way. This weekend, go running, hit the gym, and go over medical and board stuff. Sunday, I will see my Baha'i friends, and be grateful for them and for all that God has given me. And I will continue to be the person I want to be, and work towards the person I am determined to be.
I will go through hard times, but this, my friends and family, is the big picture.
((Revelation Princess))

Little Sister

Little Sister

I hear the words, harsh angry and mad,
I feel the pain and it hurts so bad,
Little Sister, wipe away your tears
Cuz I'm gonna protect you from your fears,
Little Brother take care of your lady always
Cuz she's gonna be the one who's there on your bad days.
I'm far away and I've been gone a while
But some things don't change- Mom's still in denial
I moved on and moved up in this crazy life
Never, though, could I forget that old home town strife
Mama drinkin, our family always fallin apart
Now I see why it's how my life had to start
The world isn't safe, easy or nice,
And believe your sister, even love comes at a price,
The world's a tough place but you have what it takes
I know you can rise above the toughest of the breaks
Smarter than me-my baby sister has it all
I watch and pray- girl please don't fall
You're all grown up now, I'm not your boss
Don't become Mom- take it easy on the sauce.
I'll do whatever I can for you through all my days
Just know that I love you now and always.

Majita, Te Quiero Eterna.

Rising From The Ashes

"A revolution never comes with a warning, A revolution never sends you an omen, A revolution just came like the morning, Ring the alarm- we here to wake up the snoring." -Michael Franti & Spearhead, Yell Fire

I'm starting over.
I've done this many, many times.
This time, though, it just has to stick.
I met a great guy Valentine's Day. I made a bad choice, though, and went against my own beliefs. Whether or not fixing this will end whatever there is between him and I, well, it just can't matter to me at this point. My brother didn't have to say much when I talked to him about it, we both knew I'd screwed up. I haven't been the person I want to be. I am better than I've been treating myself and letting others treat me. I can do better than this. I have to. I am not happy this way.

Everything has to change, all at once, or it simply will not change at all. I've tried small changes, tweaks and improvements.
So long as I do what I have always done, I will have what I've always had.
What I've always had is not enough.
Burn this life right to the ground, we're starting again.
...And the phoenix will rise again, from the ashes of her old life.
Gypsies make their own luck- I won't wait for my life to fix itself.

Beautiful V Day Round 2!

So, I went to my first devotional meeting today, which was outstanding, then I went out to dinner (beef and leaf!!!) with my friend Bo, and that all went very well. While waiting for Bo in front of the PX, I re-met (sorta) a very sweet guy that I think I may have the chance of enjoying to get to know. Very sweet guy.
Then, I went out with my friend's husband (she recently PCS'ed to the states, and he's not big on going out, usually) and one of the other soldiers from my unit. It started off really slow at the usual GI club downtown. It really only got maybe half as full as it usually does, at it's fullest point tonight. However, that left a lot of room to dance, and made it much easier to enjoy the antics and have fun. There were, to my knowledge, no fights, no drama, and no super-drunk stupidness downtown tonight. It was incredible! I dressed up, and, yes I will let my ego air out here for a second, I looked good. I got a couple questioning looks when I first got on the floor in my short little-black-dress, but the first 'drop it like it's hot' and the stares were more of the 'white girl can dance' variety than the 'what's she doing on the floor' sort. I'll admit, I probably would have enjoyed a little more non-platonic male attention, but my night wouldn't have been nearly as beautiful as it was had it happened. Kenslow n I grabbed a late night snack, and went our respective ways. I came home to a sweet little note from my sweet, and handsome, friend whom I'd spoken to earlier in the evening. I was told I looked cute/beautiful/great/good several times throughout the day, and, well, it was an awesome day.
I've never been much for Valentine's Day. I don't like being single much. However, this was the single best Valentine's Day I've ever had, and at the very least, the best holiday I've spent in Korea. It was all haphazard and last minute, but it was just incredible. You wanna talk about blessed? That's this girl right here.
I'm proof that we make our own luck.
Just call me Lucky. <3