Process Of Elimination

Everything changed last night.
I've been told for as long as I can remember that the brain, when it's been through something traumatic, avoids being overwhelmed or breaking down by seperating things. It will push the hurtful things into another compartment, to be processed at a later time.
Last night, I realized I'd been doing that with the knowledge of other people's emotions.
I've been extremely sensitive to other people's emotions as long as I can remember.
Last night, I put his feelings, because they were negative, into the "Later" bin, because it hurt too much to process them at that point. He has no way to understand this, or comprehend it, nor does he care to. He's hurt, and that's all he's ready to handle. I can't blame him, but I also can't change anything to make this better.
I'm not a fan of admitting I'm wrong, but I did. I'm not a fan of apologizing, but I did.
All he could hear was that I knew what I was doing when I hurt him.
Now, there's nothing left.
It's back to dealing with things without expecting anyone to be there for me, which is probably for the best, but I won't get over this for a while. It's never been like this before... What a life.

The Dark Spot On A Beautiful Soul

I try my damndest to be a good person.
Most days, I think I do alright. Not great, rarely good, but alright is pretty safe.
Today, I woke up. It's too late, and I know that, but I'm awake now.
I knew what I did. I knew I was screwing up, but I'd been craving the attention. I didn't cheat, hell, we're not even together, but I knew what it'd look like and I knew it'd hurt him if he was paying attention.
I screwed up.
He might have a jealous streak a mile wide, but I'm clearly not doing much to help that, now am I?
I used his jealousy as an excuse. Did he go a little overboard? Yeah, probably. Was I wrong? Without a doubt.
So, looks like I woke up just in time to start a new decade, and, eventually, maybe a new relationship. He sure as hell ain't takin me back, and I can't blame him.
I stopped drinking so I wouldn't have an excuse for my actions. I remember being fed excuses for every action, feeling, word... I remember never having to take responsibility. I don't live in that world anymore, and I refuse to let it drag me back. I worked too hard to get out of that place. I am not living with excuses.
I was wrong, and I am admitting I'm wrong.
There's no more excuses, there's no more lies. The only person who believed my lies was me.
Now I realize what they were.
Maybe he wasn't the one, maybe he was just someone to teach me what I needed to know.
I guess it doesn't stop hurting either way.
I'll do better next time.

Guns

Sticking by my guns will be the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Love isn't enough.
I want it to be okay, but I can't be the person he wants me to be.
I don't want to give up, I don't want to walk away, but I can't feel guilty every time I talk to someone. It feels wrong either way.
My heart has never hurt this much before...
I've lost my man and my best friend, and there's nothing I can do about it because we weren't able to do both. I don't want this to be my reality, but it is.
I want what I believed we could have.

Individual Diamond

I'm going to be selfish for a while.
I'm enjoying the attention, and enjoying not giving too much of myself to anyone.
I'm not going to make the same mistakes I was before- I'd forgotten how much more enjoyable life is when it's uncomplicated. I love the feeling of taking care of myself. I look down at the ring on my finger and smile- because I'm the one who put it there. I made no negotiations or compromises to get it there. I gave up nothing but some cash that I earned.
My heart is still in love.
The rest of me, though... We're taking care of me first.

Revelation In Reverse

You know how everyone talks about how life was so much simpler when we were kids?
That's because it was.
No drinking, no sex, no job, no bills, no worries...
I mean, if you were out too late, you'd get grounded.
How much clearer could the rules get?

Why can't we go back to that?
No, seriously, WHY CAN'T WE?
I know my life has become a lot less chaotic since I stopped drinking. I really don't want to go back to that. I don't miss drinking. Every so often, I miss "feeling like an adult" because what I remember of adults from a kids perspective... well, they could drink.
I don't need alcohol to feel like an adult, and, frankly, being a grown-up isn't all it's cracked up to be. So, I'm going back to being a kid: as few complications as possible.

The Woman In The Pearls

I was watching a movie the other night with a friend, Made Of Honor. Total chick flick, by the way, but he got a kick out of it, anyway.
Something struck me about the movie that I never, ever expected. The bride's mother came into her daughter's bedroom one morning, still in her night clothes, and it made me realize who I thought I'd end up being. There she sat, in her perfect cream-colored silk nightie- the long, elegant kind, not the short, honeymoon kind- and her pearls, and the robe that matched the nightie and... I realized that's the woman I want to be.
This, coming from the tattooed tomboy fat kid for life.
I am such a massive contradiction.
I love my tattoos. I love that I'm strong, and like sports (not necessarily good at them, but oh well), that I'm hard-headed (to a degree...), that I like motorcycles and trucks and sports cars... The thing is, the ultimate goal isn't to be a guy. It's not even to be a tomboy or a tough chick. It's to be a lady. I don't do insanely well with behaving as such when I lose my temper, but, hey, such is life. I have a very hard time balancing the things I enjoy and the woman I am. When five people make shocked faces or astounded remarks when I show up somewhere in a dress... well, it made me realize that it isn't what I wanted them to be shocked by.
I've been wild my whole life. I've been independent and hard-headed and fiercely, well, me for as long as I can remember. I've always had my own ideas about EVERYTHING. I'm not sure if I'm more surprised that I survived my childhood or that my parents did. (Two outta three aint bad.) I like the unique, pretty, girly things... More than anything, though, I like being treated like a lady. I'm tired of being just another female, just another soldier... at work, it's one thing, but I shouldn't find myself surprised to have doors held open for me, or when a guy is genuinely hurt when I tell him that yes, we can hang out, but not to think I'm going to sleep with him. I'm tired of faith and race and any other intelligent subject being off limits for conversation, because everyone around me is too busy gossiping and talking about alcohol or sex or the like. I'm really over this partying crap. I have no issues going out to the bars every once in a while and letting loose... but why bother going out to the bars when your whole life revolves around what happens there? I mean, how is it letting loose or even remotely interesting or exciting when that's all you effing do?
I feel old. I'm turning 24 in a couple weeks, and I just feel old. The number is so low... but, I mean, really... how many years do you have to live to figure out that doing the same thing over and over again is the same thing over and over again?
I want to be that woman, that lady. I want the dignity, I want the grace, I want the respect. I want to fall in love with a man who has a relationship with God like I do. I want someone who knows what they want in life. I can't raise a family in a non-religious home... I hate the word religious, but I have no other idea how to explain it. I want my children to feel safe talking about race and God and what they want to do... I don't want my children to think there are subjects that are off limits. I want a life, a family, a career. I don't want to sacrifice who I am or what I believe in to have this. I don't expect to meet the man of my dreams tomorrow. I don't need to meet him tomorrow. I just really hope I can find a way to help myself become the woman I know I was meant to be.

Medicine, Woman!

With prayer beads in one hand, and a knife in the other, I try to remember who I am and why I'm here. With hope in my heart and fear in my eyes, I raise my soul to God and pray for Him to draw near.

My heart is broken, my soul is wounded, and even my body is aching today. I turn on the music, take a breath, and try to take a step back from the world that turns, and so often turns away from what it doesn't understand. I try to stand still, try to remain detached, so that the story may unfold as it was meant to without rippling the easily disturbed waters of my spirit. I try to see what I must do from the outside, rather than from the place inside the picture, where I stand. I try to replace the fear with faith, try to remember that there is a reason for every step, every breath, and certainly every tear. I must cling to my faith in God when my faith in humanity is dulled. There is medicine at the store for my physical aches and pains, but only God and time will heal the wounds of my heart and soul. I'm not the best woman, friend, soldier, sister or daughter I can be. I have done decent in most of these categories, but need to do better. I am grateful for the people who have had patience with me, and hope they are around to see the dawn that I can only pray is coming from the terrible darkness I have been in.

My favorite prayer, one I found in Illumine My Heart:

Glory be to Thee, O Lord my God! I beg of Thee by Thy Name through which He Who is Thy Beauty hath been stablished upon the throne of Thy Cause, and by Thy Name through Thou changest all things, and callest to account all things, and rewardest all things, and preservest all things, and sustainest all things- I beg of Thee to guard this handmaiden who hath fled for refuge to Thee, and hath sought the shelter of Him in Whom Thou Thyself art manifest, and hath put her whole trust and confidence in Thee.
She is sick, O my God, and hath entered beneath the shadow of the Tree of Thy healing; afflicted and hath fled to the City of Thy Protection; diseases and hath fled to the City of Thy protection; diseased and hath sought the Fountainhead of Thy favors; sorely vexed, and hath hasted to attain the Wellspring of Thy tranquility; burdened with sin, and hath set her face toward the court of Thy forgiveness.
Attire her, by Thy sovereignty and Thy loving kindness, O my God and my Beloved, with the raiment of Thy balm, and Thy healing, and make her quaff of the cup of Thy mercy and Thy favors. Protect her, moreover, from every affliction and ailment, from all pain and sickness, and from whatsoever may be abhorrent unto Thee.
Thou, in truth, art immensely exalted above all else except Thyself. Thou art, verily, the Healer, the All-Sufficing, the Preserver, the Ever-Forgiving, the Most Merciful.
-Baha'u'llah

It's interesting to me now that I have a favorite prayer. It wasn't that long ago that saying a prayer other than the words in my head or heart (and sometimes not even words) was something I believed could never appeal to me. I can't explain exactly how things have changed, really. I am grateful to have found a faith that has always been so much a part of me, even before I knew the name of it. I bought the book with the prayers in it, and, when I found one that fit what I was looking for, I started saying it regularly. I would push myself to imagine the images, above and beyond just saying the words, immersing myself in the intent of the prayer. It made a huge difference, and it feels so natural now. I haven't memorized it yet, but it is so much a part of me. I wish I had musical talent, I'd try to put that to music, as some Baha'i groups have done with other prayers. It's inspiring. It takes effort to remember, sometimes, that the anger, that the pain is a sin against myself and others, that there is no reason I can't do better, and the universe was not made to accept things staying the same- nothing, after all stays the same- so it's far easier for the universe to accept change than sometimes it is for us to change. Deciding change and improvement is what we truly want is the hardest part. Once we want it, well, the rest of the universe will accept us for who we are becoming far more easily than we can imagine.
To quote a friend:
Is God good?
All day.

Peppermint Patty And The Snake Oil Suspension

Okay, if it's not clearly ridiculous that a 10 year old girl was suspended for bringing peppermint oil to school during the holiday season and sharing it with her friends, what is?
This happened up in NY. Peppermint oil, from what I can find is mostly effective for settling one's upset stomach. With months of use and large amounts, one may be able to dissolve gallstones. When was the last time you heard of someone overdosing on peppermint oil? No tolerance, well, that's a great policy, so long as the person enforcing this has an IQ above the single digits. If it was a distraction in class, then take it from her, speak to her parents, whatever. Suspending her, though?
I can't help but wonder what other factors were at work here for the staff to make such a call. Why was this peppermint oil- or this child- seen as a threat?

The Next Decade

2009 was a bust.
Too many bad/upsetting things.
I turn 24 in a couple weeks, so I have that much more of a fresh start. In July, I will be leaving Korea. I have until then to get myself where I need to be mentally, emotionally and career-wise. I am putting together my physical paperwork for Flight Medic. As of now, I want to re-enlist for either Hood or Bliss, as I really need some time at home, and try to get Flight Medic school en route. Honestly, it seems like Bliss is the best choice for me right now, to bring some closure to some of my past. It's also close enough to Hood that I can come bug my people there on a regular basis. <3
I'm not going to focus on any relationship for a while. Relationships have continually been a huge source of stress for me. When the next one comes around, I refuse to make the same mistakes I've made in the past. Sex is not even going to be an option for a very long time. I hate what sex does to relationships. I'm sure my Daddy will read this, and probably my sister too, but they're adults and they know I am too. I hope they won't cringe at the thought that I'm an adult, but rather be proud that I'm finally making better decisions for myself.
I want- no, I NEED to do more studying where my faith is concerned. I have been unable to get in contact with anyone in the area who shares my faith and, therefore, might be able to teach me more, but that's more of a reason to do studies on my own. I don't believe I will be punished for not being able to adhere to the strictest parts of my faith, but I know I need to do better with my habits, and will continue to work on that. God doesn't ask that much of me in relation to praying, etc. There's no reason I can't work a little harder at that in order to get my life more on track.
I am a lot like my Daddy, always have been. There's some things he's always struggled with, whether or not he knows I see it. I love my Daddy, and want to be like him in a lot of ways, but I've also done my best to learn from his struggles. Relationships and faith are areas I know I can take lessons from his pain, and I can only hope that I can teach my children about those things in different ways than he taught me. I want to make my children the best generation of my family yet, and I can't do that if I don't build on the foundation my parents gave me.
Being in Korea is very painful, especially right now, when everyone is celebrating holidays I don't believe in, and right after a break up. I'm learning a lot, but learning is nearly always at least somewhat painful. I miss home. This next decade needs to be better, no matter what I need to do to make that happen.
Times Magazine, incidentally, ran an article titled "The Decade From Hell And Why The Next One Will Be Better". It was nice to get some good news...

Admission On Me

I feel sexiest when I'm wearing sweats and a tank top, not when I'm wearing lingerie.

I'd rather be unwillingly abstinent for the rest of my life than without love.

I'll find a way to tell anyone that they're not weird for feeling the way they do if they trust me enough to tell me something they're uncomfortable with about themselves, even if it takes me by total surprise. Very few things take me by surprise as a result of this.

I think it's hilarious that multiple people have told me I'm far more normal than I'll ever know.

I couldn't eat spinach for 15 years because a particularly disturbing older relative specifically stated he liked that I ate my spinach, despite my all-out love affair with vegetables prior to that incident.

I feel guilty every single day of my life for things I couldn't have changed, and still suffer effects of. Every single day.

I feel like a complete moron trying to explain to people with combat patches why I have flashbacks. More often than not, they're the only ones who get why.

I am a thousand times harder on myself than anyone has ever had any reason to suspect. It takes every ounce of effort not to bash myself for things I couldn't have known the outcome of.

I wish I'd shammed when I had the chance.

I say I'd never change a thing about how I grew up or where I came from, because then I wouldn't be this person... but sometimes, I really, really, really would like to be someone else for a while.

The meaner I am, the more pain there is fueling the fire.

I've forgiven my attackers, but I will never be able to forgive myself. Ultimately, I was not the only victim in either attack, and both could have been prevented with a little less faith in humanity.

I still think about drinking again at least once a week, and it's been over 8 months since I quit drinking officially. (I feel more guilt because of this, and because of the wine I allowed myself for a period of time, and the night I had 2 drinks before realizing how much I hated the feeling of being drunk.)

I throw out more of the fruits n veggies than I end up eating, but I go through frozen dinners and the Mexican candy I order like it's water.

The biggest compliment I've ever received was a school teacher in the PX smiling at me and saying 'Hello, Beautiful' without wanting anything or having any agenda behind it. I will never forget this compliment.

The most vivid (pleasant) non-family memory I have as a child is of a college student who was doing a project for a religions class. She was taking pictures of random strangers on the street, and posting them on a board titled "Is This What God Looks Like?" I was instantly fascinated, and was no older than 6 at the time. It's been 18 years and I haven't forgotten the project or what she looked like.

Half the conversations I have on Facebook and Myspace chat are out of guilt. The half that reads this are probably not the people I feel guilted into talking to.

I've never wanted anything more than I want children. I do, however, give up on that more often than any other dream. Despite the want, and the amount of love I have for children, I'm terrified I'd just screw them up.

I want to be a career soldier, because it's the best job I've ever done. Most days, though, I can't imagine surviving 20 years of it.

People constantly mistake the fact that I have almost no secrets for trusting people. It's easier not to have secrets- that way I don't have to trust anyone with them. Ever. For any reason.

I am addicted to Facebook because I am addicted to the idea that eventually someone will say something to make me feel so much better. It's my way of tempting fate for the positive. Occasionally it happens, and it's usually the very same people.

Everclear is the one band I listen to when I absolutely have to get myself in a better mood. I have never, ever been able to figure out why their music has this effect on me, but it works. "Unemployed Boyfriend"" is the number one song on that playlist.

People repeatedly tell me I'm one of the strongest people they know. They usually pick a point when I've completely lost my temper and started throwing things or had a massive panic attack to tell me this. It never seems to occur to anyone besides me that this may be a completely counterproductive plan of action.

I'm tempted to cut off all my hair just to see how many of my guy friends still talk to me when I go out.

I believe, more everyday, that men are generically shallow assholes, and that I've gotten lucky with a few good ones that I have in my life. This is the polar opposite of my point of view roughly 10 years ago.

I'm generally what I think of as a happy person... but, sometimes, I just get so tired of it all.

Peace VS Vulnerability

That was my mistake.
I was honest, instead of hoping the issue wouldn't come up.
Here I am, feeling raw and vulnerable and scared, and it wouldn't even occur to anyone that I might.
I'm tired of being vulnerable, or having a reason to feel that way.
It was so long since I opened up to someone, I mean really opened up. I hadn't realized I'd kept so much inside for so long until he came along, but now he's gone, and I'm left knowing he isn't the person I'm supposed to be with... I can't be with someone defensive or aggressive or who's not independently willing to find out about who I am and what makes me tick. I need someone who trusts me to be honest, if nothing else. I'm not perfect, I make mistakes, but at the minimum, I'm not a liar.
Now that I remember what it's like to be vulnerable, exposed, it's like I'm having trouble closing those doors again. It's also bringing a lot of things I've been told before into perspective. Jere told me once that he didn't want to see me get my heart broke again because he knew I'd shut down again. I agreed, but couldn't for the life of me understand what he was talking about- I didn't shut down after a relationship ended. I just moved on. Now I see it. Now I see what my heart wants to do more than anything- to lock everyone out. To go back into my shell, to refuse to let anyone in, to just be me and away from the painful sunlight that would be so harsh on my still-open wounds. Right now, after telling some brief version of my story, after trying to show a little sliver of who I am and where I've been to someone who doesn't know me, well, I feel that burning sunlight so deep inside. I'm not trying to find forever. I'm just trying not to shut the whole world out again... but that's all I want to do. I just want everyone and everything to go away, and let me lick my wounds. I don't want anyone to see me like this, and that's why I know, from experience, that's why I must resist the urge to hide.
I can't let all these people see me that way, of course.
I just can't push those who have been there for me away.
I can't be the island again.
It's not a choice, because I will lose all the progress I've made if I close up again. I will be back at square one. I'm single, but I'm not alone... Not that I think the now-ex-boyfriend is even bothering to read this, but I'm sure he'd be thrilled to hear/see me say that. The thing is, opening up to him isn't an option, either. He's the reason the wounds are open, the reason the sunlight burns so bad. I love him, he did the best he could, and I really can't fault him for anything he did... He just isn't the person I need him to be.
So, here I sit, listening to Luda singing/spitting with Jesse McCartney, talking about how do you sleep... listening to the wind outside my open window... feeling the pain seep from the gaping, invisible hole in my chest... and wondering why the next step I couldn't find had to sneak up on me, and why it had to hurt so badly.
I told the ex one day... I told him I was stuck, I didn't know where the next step was, I had come to a dead end. I was out of luck. Now, the next step is plain as day: processing what I need in a relationship, what I can handle, what I need, what I can give, and accepting that some scars will simply be part of me. Scars do fade, though, and PTSD is not a terminal illness. This will not be what kills me, I have more historically significant battles to fight still. I have to find the strength to grow from this. I have to find the seeds that are spread amongst so much gravel, so I can plant them where they can grow. I have to let this pain run it's course, without stopping or medicating it, without arguing it's beginnings or ends... That is not for me to choose. That has already been decided. I have to learn to step back, to be detached as God has asked of me, and let the natural healing process do it's job.
Eventually.... eventually, this too shall pass, and the scars will fade and it will all make so much more sense than it does in this brief moment of clarity... When that happens, I may cry in gratitude. I will see that day. I've come to far.
It really pisses me off when the only way to heal is to be wounded.

Job Description

What it takes to last with me:
Patience- this can not be over stated. Patience is an absolute requirement.
Spirituality. I need someone to keep me grounded in my faith when I've lost touch with it. Preferably Baha'i, but at least open to the possibilities of what being serious with someone of this faith will mean.
Must be willing to learn about the things that have become part of me and made me who I am, and not just to please me, or to be able to control me, but because they really want to understand me.
Good looking. Doesn't need to be Brad Pitt, but must take care of themselves without needing to be nagged to do so.
Race isn't an issue, but anyone who can't fully relate to being a minority need not apply.
I say again: Patience.
Strength of character and of heart. (Trust me, this job is not for the feint of heart!!!!)
Intelligence, and ability to carry an intelligent conversation, without belittling others.
Must be willing to watch movies with strong female leads, and live similarly. I am not a weak woman, and if you can't survive me when I'm strong-willed and protecting my heart, you'll never see me when I'm vulnerable.
Must be willing and able to overcome wants to make the right choice.
Patience.

It's odd to me that, today, I feel more attractive than I have in ages, but also as hurt as I have in years. I'm doing what I can to get back on my feet. I'm trying to force myself into a revolution, here, because I have no intention of going in the same circle anymore. Love is a really screwed up thing, and I'm not going to keep letting my walls down like I have, and I'm not going to do things just to feel like my walls are down. Some people have not earned the privilege to see me vulnerable and, in truth, the few who have haven't even done a great job at handling me when I'm vulnerable. It can't be a bad thing to be alone when I'm vulnerable, as opposed to the alternative. I don't want this to be my reality, I don't want it to really be over. That's something that happened anyway, though, and now all I can do is to get back on my feet the best I can without him.
Meanwhile, the attention I'm getting doesn't hurt my ego. So long as I keep control of my life, I'm going to enjoy the world on my own terms. He was the one meant to teach me a lot of lessons, but those have been taught. I'm on my own now, and that's okay.

Heartbreak An The Unbroken Spirit

I write more when I'm upset.
If I wrote for a living, constantly going through on-again-off-again relationships would make me a millionaire.
Instead, it just makes me insane.
It's crappy that I have more to share when I'm miserable than when I'm happy, though, really.
I want stability. I want peace. I want healing.
I have come so far, but I still have SO FAR left to go.
I get so tired sometimes, just tired of being this person, of fighting with the same demons day in and day out, to the point that it's predictable but none the less painful in it's predictability.
I have five days off.
FIVE.
I went to the PX today after work, shopping spree on my mind.
I couldn't find crap that I wanted to buy. My father will surely be shocked at this possibility.
I know I was.
I did all I could to make my relationship better, but it didn't work.
Now there's nothing left but pieces of my heart, and the urge to wash all those pieces away before they manage to heal up enough to be broken again.
This isn't the way it was supposed to be.

Because They're Forever

I bought myself a diamond and aquamarine ring today.
I'm ignoring the fact that it wasn't insanely expensive, and therefore not a huge splurge, like one would imagine a diamond ring would be. It caught my eye as being 'the one' and I ignored the fact that I would have been okay with spending nearly 3 times what it cost for the purpose that it will serve to me.
I don't know where my relationship stands right now.
I love him, but the demons I am battling put me and whoever is close to me in the same bad places over and over again. It's almost down to a science now. Daily, I'll struggle with the bad memories, the pain, and, if I've been having trouble sleeping or haven't been eating/writing/praying as I know I should, then the flash backs and anger will be major obstacles for me daily, too. Every month, I will have a period of one to three days where, if I can avoid people, I can overcome it quietly and without notice, but the emotions are always the same. If people are not to be avoided, it is an end to the relationships closest to me, and very dark thoughts. Always lots of fear, lots of pain, lots of questions during these days. That never fails. People being around just makes it all so much worse, though.
I'm not bipolar, hell, the same two moods would be a blessing compared to this crap some days.
Anti-depressants just made the aggression worse.
I'm on my own with this. Even if my boyfriend decides he wants to try again, he's completely clueless as to how to handle this, and seems less and less willing to try. Can't say I blame him. Either way, I am who and what I am. With or without anyone else. I'm tired of even wanting to be part of a relationship, though I know myself well enough that I know it'll never stop. It's not that I miss being single- I want only one person, truly- it's that I miss being less complicated. As a person, you only have your own actions, emotions and life to deal with. As half of a couple, well, good luck even getting to deal with your own. Not only is there another person involved, but their feelings mix with yours and then it feels more like there's 3 sets of feelings rather than 2.
See, this is where the diamond thing comes in. There's only 3 things in this world (besides cockroaches and Twinkies) that are forever- God, me, and diamonds. The rest may cause a whole lot of pain, but I don't have the luxury of being able to wallow in drama or other people's lives. I have plenty on my own plate. Between me, God, and the diamonds on my finger, well, it's up to us to solve this stuff, because no one else gets it, nor do they need to.
Maybe the ring will also help me remember that it's bullshit to expect someone else to be what I need them to. That's nobody's purpose in life except my own.

Drastic

Where did this come from?
Okay, the weird mood, the anger, yeah, I got that. I know where that's coming from.
Where the hell did wanting to make some sudden, drastic change come from?
*sigh*

Feminine Feminism

Feminist: The ultimate "F Word".
Lord, you should see the size mens' eyes get when I say the simple phrase "I'm a feminist."
Holy hell.
Seriously? Look it up.
It means you're not any better than me, and I'm not any better than you.
You know, equals.
I just heard you exhale, didn't I?
I read a pointed critique of Beyonce's latest video, Video Phone, featuring Lady Gaga, recently. If you watch the video without thought, well, it's a Beyonce video. She's running around half naked, as Lady Gaga always seems to be. She sings, dances, shakes her hips. Nothing new, right?
Perhaps.
If you read the critique, though, and then watch it, you catch a few more things than you might have otherwise. Her body language, mannerisms, even her words- 'Yo, shawty, what your name is?'- do nothing to suggest or imply that she is anything less than in complete control of everything- and everyone- around her. There's no mistaking that Beyonce is comfortable with her body. The ageless debate, though, is whether or not nudity and sexuality can be used for, rather than against, the feminist 'movement'. Can a stripper be a feminist? It's a tired debate, to be honest. The thing is, the more I pay attention, all the women in this world who have really knocked people dead, who have really gotten ahead of the game, never once denied their sexuality. Not all of them flaunted it, but all of them accepted and worked with it. Beyonce is comfortable with her body, though she's one of the few artists I can't recall any sort of sex scandal or video tape about off hand. Even if there was, though, she's not the type to let it get to her- because, after all, she's in control. Oprah, who I think has done an outstanding thing by making such a name for herself, also, well, in my humble opinion, really isn't incredibly bright. I've never been too impressed with anything she had to say, but the woman focused on what she knew for sure: her fellow women. Her entire fortune is founded on the fact that she is a woman. She never denied it, or held it back, or shied away from the fact. These are the successful women of our day and age, and I think we all have a lot to learn from them. These women are successful not in spite of being women but because they are women.
Who doesn't want to make it big because of who they already are?

Perfect In The Sight Of God

"Will this matter a year from now?"
This is a question I need to start asking myself a little more often.
I am my own worst critic, by a long shot. I am tired of stressing myself out over things that really don't matter in the long run. I have become a lot more honest recently, which some people are going to be having a hard time adjusting to. I'm not everybody's friend, because there are simply some people I do not need in my life. I will never be the person to backstab or snitch, that's simply not my way; Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you. It might be naive, but I still believe the golden rule. None the less, I will not go out of my way to deal with people I don't care for, people who's influence in my life is not a positive.
I am not perfect. I am not making all the choices I think are the absolute right. There are many things I would do different were I given a blank page. The fact of the matter is, though, I do not have the luxury of a blank page, nor is that the intention of this life. God has given me all my experiences to build atop one another, and this is what I have done. I may not make the most politically correct or even well-liked decisions, but I have and continue to make the decisions I know to be the right ones. I may not be perfect, but I am perfect in the sight of God.

Gotta Have Faith

I've missed the beliefs I seem to have forgotten recently.
I'm going to make some changes over these next few weeks, as I get my life back on it's proverbial feet. It's become a habit to pray before I sleep, but that seems to be the only time I pray lately. I need to do better than that.
Journaling is another one of those things I need to up the ante on. I do it from time to time, but it's a healing thing, and it's got to become a reflex instead of an afterthought.
I'm pretty sure I know where I stand on things right now, but I need to make sure I keep it that way. I'm going out for EFMB this coming year, and also trying to get my Flight Medic school request approved, so I can't afford to lose my focus on this.
I'm going to order some of the books I need to read, both for the spiritual reasons and for the education. I need to buckle down on this.

History Of Heartbreak

I have an interest in various religions and cultures. I grew up a minority, and that makes my mind a little bit different as to how I view others who are a minority in some way.
I grew up reading biographies of MLK and Rosa Parks, but nothing has hit home quite so much as this article about 'bad black mothers'.
It goes into a decent amount of detail, while linking recent events with cultural and historical issues and prejudices, some quite invasive.
I grew up a minority, and I identify with women of other races, because, at first glance, I am part of what is all too often the issue rather than the solution. I have a very muddy blood line, but I, to my knowledge, lack either Hispanic or Black lineage. None the less, and regardless of the Native American blood I have, I typically will choose other as a race. Why? Not because I don't want to believe it's a "white girl" staring back at me each morning, but because if I am to be a statistic, I refuse to be one that can be so easily labeled, so narrowly defined. I am not an 'us' and I am not a 'them', but if you're going to force me to pick one, it's going to be on the side of the fence that's diverse.
I highly recommend that article. I'm sure plenty of black mothers would enjoy it, but white women and men may honestly get the most out of it. I've never heard the historical darkness so thoroughly or clearly worded.

Looking Back At Me

I'm told I'm quite attractive. People are generally pretty surprised I don't see myself that way. Some days, it's not so bad, and I realize I'm a pretty decent looking lady. Mostly, though, this is what I see looking back at me....
I see 23 years of not being able to tell where I end and the past begins.
I see a woman who has done plenty of things she's not proud of, and can't really explain why.
I see someone who looks an awful lot like the stereotypical 'crackhead-white-girl' from too many Law & Order episodes- someone who might have been pretty and smart in another life.
I see someone who's faced the same situations over and over- and rarely made a different choice.
I see someone who puts herself in the same bad place repeatedly, and still can't figure out how to get it right.
I see someone who is tired of fighting the same battles, so tired she doesn't want to bother with them at all anymore.
I see that skinny white girl from Law & Order who knew what her boyfriend was capable of, but went back to him anyway.
I see the pained victim, the weak little girl, the scared child... and I wonder where the rest of me went.
If the signs and symptoms of PTSD went away tomorrow, I don't know what would be left of me. I've been struggling with this my entire life, in some form or another. I don't know where it ends and I begin. I'm doing all I can to make it better, and it's healing, but I'm tired of wondering what's going to pop up next. I'm tired of seeing myself in the same place over and over, too scared to walk alone, too weak to go back to God on my own, too scared to face the world around me. I'm not depressed- I've been there before. I'm frustrated. I'm tired of standing still. I'm tired of waiting for the next issue to pop up. I'm tired of nightmares, and tired of waking up to find that, even though I don't remember the nightmares this time, I busted my own lip, or reopened a scar, or somehow cut my hand in my sleep. I'm tired of wondering what's going to set me off next.
Maybe I made the wrong choice, maybe I made the choice out of fear more than love.
Maybe it doesn't make a difference if I'm single or not, because no one else can fight this battle for me.
I know I'll make it through this, I'm just not sure when or how.

It's Good To Be "Home"

I've ended my relationship, and, thankfully, on good terms over all.
It wasn't a lack of emotions, it was an excess.
I need to take care of me for a while, and remember how to do that, before I can work another person into my life. MY life. I have this horrible habit of revolving my world around the person I care about, and then begging, nagging and b*tching at them about how much I need. That's wrong, and something I need to stop on my own. I am the only person responsible for me, and I need to remember that, and really, really learn it- live it.
I haven't lost any friends in the process of all of this, and have managed to make one. I'm not committing to anything, but it's nice to have a man in my life who doesn't drink. Seeing as I don't waste my time being friends (or dating) boys, the term man applies to all my brothers/male friends/ex boyfriends/etc.
I feel like I've come home in a way, with all of this. It's a relief, which I didn't expect. I expected lots and lots and lots of pain for a while. I'm glad I miscalculated that. I'm at peace, in a way. I don't feel like I'm hurting anyone, because I can be honest with all the people I'm close to right now. I'm not hurting myself trying to fit myself into ideals that I want to fit in, but am truly not comfortable with. It's really an incredible feeling.
I have learned a lot over these last couple months, particularly about myself. I am grateful for that. Whether or not I choose to be in a relationship at any point in the next 225 days before I leave here is not something I'm going to attempt to predict, nor will anyone else's advice sway me. I want to take my time, I want to go at my pace, however fast or slow that may be. I know there's a few things I want to change the next time around, and I need to find the strength within myself that I may be able to implement those things fully.
To my King... thank you for everything you have taught me. I am grateful for your friendship, guidance, and continued support, no matter what the end result is. I am lucky to have a friend like you. As I said before, we are friends first, last and always. There will be no changing that now. Mizpah.

Family

I'm selfish.
I've let him put up with my issues for nearly two months so I would feel secure, so I would have someone to call family.
I can't keep putting him through that.
I can't keep questioning things.

Shut Down

I'm focused on my goals right now, everything else is peripheral.
People like telling me I'm wrong, they like telling me my priorities are out of whack. Well, that must suck for them, then, because they're still MY PRIORITIES.
I'm not disrespectful and I'm not going to do the wrong thing.
I am, however, going to be a little more focused for a while.
This is what a friend of mine used to refer to as my shut-down mode. Interesting.