BOOTS COST MONEY & WARRIOR PRINCESS

Friday, December 21, 2007


4:40 PM - Boots Cost Money! Boots Cost Money!
Current mood: focused

I'm wired for sound today. I've spent too much time on the net (does this surprise ANYONE?) and eaten entirely too much chocolate- and no, I didn't think that was possible, either. Sugar high! I keep thinking about how I end up as one of the guys so often. It's weird for me sometimes. I absolutely *LVE* having so many male friends, as I would much rather have cool guys to chill with than be one of those prissy bitches, but it gets a little tedious sometimes hearing all the guys talk about what female they like and shit, cuz it's like hell-o, I'm a woman too. I don't know, random gripe, I guess, as I'd never in a million years give up my 'one of the guys' status to be looked at as female. I love being who I am, I love being a tough bitch and doing all the shit that everyone says I can't do because I'm female. I love proving them all wrong, and helping the males with their rifles and fixing the shit they fuck up. It's always amusing to hear someone say 'A FEMALE helped you with that?!' That makes me laugh every time. I'm not butch, I'm not masculine, but, shit, I'm in the US Army. I didn't join to be some prissy bitch, I joined to be a fucking soldier. I don't earn respect based on my looks or manners, I earn respect the same fucking way every other (decent) soldier does- by working hard and being respectful. I'm not the most popular person at basic, but I do my damndest to take care of my battle buddies and complete the mission. I don't need to be popular or hot or lady-like to be a good soldier. Frankly, being a soldier is more important to me than being a lady. Ladies can get walked on, soldiers- well, you walk on us, you'll never forget doing it, that's for damned sure. HOOAH.

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12:07 AM - Warrior Princess
Current mood: strong

So, life keeps rolling in this world, and I laugh a lot more than I used to. If I were only to be grateful for one thing, it would be for the Army showing me that it truly is all small stuff. The things I used to stress over are ridiculous things to sweat.. This world is a beautiful place, and this life is something to appreciate, not to worry over. We have far less control over our own existence than we like to think. It's odd that we try so hard to control all those things we have no means of controlling, yet our attitudes towards life and all that surrounds us- one of those few things we have control over- we don't try to control, but let the rest of the world dictate. I can make the choice to be happy and enjoy the day, why would I want to choose to be miserable because it's raining or because someone else has chosen to be in a lousy mood? There's people all over the world that are perfectly content though their lives are much harder than my own, I try not to lose my perspective.

SQUARE

Saturday, December 22, 2007


8:19 PM - Square
Current mood: accomplished

Life is what happens when you're making other plans. I know I say this quite frequently, and I probably have half a dozen other blogs that have that line in them, but it strikes me often how true that is. Chaos and confusion wrack my brain frequently, but I've finally realized what I've been telling everyone else all along- if it can't be controlled, it shouldn't be worried about. What's the point? I don't understand what I should be doing or how things will go, which makes me worry, but I'd rather enjoy the moment I live in than to lose this moment because I'm so busy fearing the next. If I can hold on to that frame of mind I will be much better off! Today was not the easiest of days, not by far, but I held my tongue when it was required of me, I kept my patience and military bearing, and rolled on. I accomplished a few things I needed to do, and had some fun. It was not an easy day, but it was a good day. I find myself still learning to balance the many aspects of my own personality- the hard with the soft, the loud with the quiet- and that keeps the challenges coming. I've thought a great deal of my Native blood recently, and have tried to find ways to remind myself of all that those blood lines represent to me. Discipline, pride, loyalty, strength... I know it's not exceptionally apparent to most that I have Native American blood, though some recognize it, but it is what I feel most strongly connected to. I tell people sometimes I am 'half cowboy and half indian' as I am a mutt when it comes to blood. My gypsy and native blood are what drive me most, and I like to think that the qualities those people represent in my mind are those I demonstrate most, though who really knows what another sees. My patience has been tested today, as it is most days in one form or another, yet I kept it together. I am proud of myself for how far I have come, and know that I will not stop here. I will continue climbing these mountains until there are no more mountains to climb.

MY BATTLE BUDDIES

Sunday, December 23, 2007


11:21 PM - My Battle Buddies
Current mood: calm

Once you've entered basic training, I imagine you never can forget the day you got off the bus with drill sergeants all around you screaming. I'll be amazed if that shit could be removed from my brain with a frikkin lazer! DS Askins on my left and DS Jones on my right and my patrol cap being knocked clear off my head... This is my second cycle in basic training because I got injured on my first go-round. I'm still a bulldog, and I'm still proud of my company and my leadership. What I have come to realize, though, is that my battle buddies have always been the ones to make it or break it for me. I've been fortunate to encounter as many amazing people as I have through my military life. I knew going into this that the military was a family, but it's not something you can ever be prepared for. My first cycle, there were a few people I connected with and am truly blessed to know. This cycle, I have found a group of people I know in my heart I was meant to meet. I have never gotten along with females very well, and I have found two that I think are among the best and brightest women I've ever met, and both are truly soldiers. Naturally, many of my male battle buddies have proved wonderful, and I am proud to have proven myself amongst the soldiers in our company, rather than simply being another female going through basic training. Not everyone agrees with my way of handling people, or my way of completing the mission, but I doubt too many would question my work ethic. I work hard, and stand by any battle buddy that is willing to do the same. I am happy that there are a large number of those soldiers in my company, and especially my platoon. You fight for you country, but you die for your friends. I can't remember where I heard that or read it, but it's the absolute truth. I will defend the hell out of the United States of America, but it's the people I would die for. I have some amazing battle buddies, and I want to thank all of you for standing by me, and for not giving up when the shit gets thick. HOOAH! "Someday you'll be alone, all alone in a combat zone. Don't you worry about being alone, your battle buddy will bring you home..."

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ROMANCE

Monday, December 24, 2007


7:31 PM - Romance
Current mood: romantic

Someone once told me that we each get occasional and brief opportunities to peer into our future and to catch a glimpse of what it is that's meant for us, if only to be reminded of what it is we should be looking for. I have had a tendency to take the easy path in certain aspects of my life, and to dismiss those glimpses in favor of what comes simply. I believe that luxury may have just hit a roadblock. Here's a quote from a rather intelligent friend of mine- "Never trust a man who can look a pretty woman in the eye. He'll tell her the truth, and she'll fall for it." Now, I don't know if that springs from another source, or from himself, but I must say I like it very much. I wonder if I have not just taken a glimpse into the future, and had a taste, if only a passing one, of what it is I should be striving for. Odd, isn't it?

INTEGRITY

27dec07

1:36 AM - Have Some Fucking Integrity
Current mood: aggravated

I don't understand what's so difficult about honesty, or being straight forward. I don't see what's so goddamned difficult about being a fucking man. Simple Army values would help a good many of you with certain reproductive organs a great fucking deal. LOYALTY DUTY RESPECT SELFLESS SERVICE HONOR INTEGRITY AND PERSONAL COURAGE. Didn't anyone mention to you assholes that those qualities should be applied to your personal affairs as well? You're not only a soldier when you're in your uniform or on post or when someone higher-ranking is looking. I was always amazed at how often I heard women talk shit about military men, and heard how awful they were to their women, and, if it weren't for men like my former roomate, I'd have to be forced to agree at this point. I see so much of what other women don't. I'm so practiced at noticing deceit or potential problems within the men that show interest in me, and yet I miss some serious amount of shit. How the fuck do I manage this shit and WHY don't you men grow some fucking cajones?! The next time someone asks me how I can have 900 guy friends and not one prospective date, I may very well have an excellent example to pull up. Maybe it's just karma. I mean, really, where do I have a place to bitch? I've hurt people too... Maybe I still am... Who fucking knows.

My Favorite Quote

6:07 AM - My favorite quote
Current mood: cynical

"And JR wept because there were no more worlds to conquer. All she had left was love and death." -AFM

IN THE MIDST OF NIGHT

28DEC07

1:50 AM - In The Midst Of Night
Current mood: aggravated

Under the cover of darkness, her emotions were her own, her frustrations unshared, undivided and unconquered. She'd woken from a relatively peaceful sleep to think of the pains of her past and frustrations she couldn't avoid in the present. It irritated her in a way she couldn't explain that she'd been unable to shake thoughts of love in recent days. She'd been doing so well on her own since her heart had broken nearly a year before, why should she be wanting for love now? She was healing, she could see, quite well. They hadn't been wrong when they told her all it would take was time, of course. She was a stronger, better woman than she had ever been before. She had experienced a few brief encounters of what might have been something more, perhaps, in another place, at another time. Despite knowing for certain that both chivalry and romance were hopeless creations of the mind and little else, some part of her mind clung to the concepts. She'd thought she'd found a fairy tale once upon a time, but Cinderella had taken that last bit of Happily Ever After with her to Prince Charming's castle, the selfish bitch. Clearly, the two never reproduced, as Prince Charming's bloodlines had obviously ceased to exist quite some time ago now. What was it that kept the far corners of her mind clinging to that last thread of hope? She could be the tough girl so much of the time, and so few noticed that shadow of vulnerability that followed her, rather, she thought, like an exceptionally persistant plague. At least most plagues had the mercy to put their captors to their death after a certain amount of suffering. If only she could rid herself of that last remaining bit of the curse...

ADDICTED TO THE PUNISHMENT

Friday, December 28, 2007


1:38 AM - Addicted To The Punishment
Current mood: annoyed

I don't know what it is that keeps my mind clinging to bits of the past. I don't know why I am unable to exorcise the demons that haunt me completely. There's things I've gotten past that I never thought I would, obstacles I've overcome that I once, not so long ago, thought insurmountable. Yet there's those sparse and sporradic things that I can't seem to shake no matter how hard I try. Why is it I find myself seeking out information on those who have done the most irreparable damage to my soul? So many things I don't understand. I found myself, not so long ago, quite certain I was falling for a man with perhaps the thickest, tallest and most impenitrable emotional walls I have yet encountered. Why would I open myself to such a person? I make no sense even to myself, perhaps especially to myself, sometimes. I've heard the phrase 'glutton for punishment' but, damn. I know that road far too well. What is it that brings me back to that type of person? There's no logic to it, really. Perhaps knowing romance and chivalry are dead in every way but theory makes me go to the opposite extreme? Who fucking knows. People are such simple creatures to handle, truly, until your own emotions become involved, then you're fucked. I've come to understand my childhood fascination with wolves. Wolves are far more loyal, not to mention civilized, than humans, they mate for life and don't insist upon torturing one another. People are often surprised when I say I could kill a human before an animal. Animals are free from sin, free from that demented illness humans mistake for intelligence in their own kind. Truly, we're a sick and twisted species. For so long we've considered ourselves superior that we've come to see our own species as without fault. Personally, I wouldn't trust an individual who thought himself without fault, thus I have a hard time of trusting an individual species that thinks such of itself. I've killed two animals in my life larger than an insect, a bird and a cat, and both were in great amounts of pain and incapable of survival, or even voluntary movement. Perhaps they weren't feeling pain anymore, I suppose I can't truly be sure. The cat, a long-haired tabby, had been hit by a vehicle and was seizing by the side of the road, with multiple obvious and severe injuries. The bird was a small thing, a chickadee, and had fallen from it's nest or some other height, and was twitching a bit, and it's eyes were open and moving about, but it wasn't clear how much of that was voluntary. It's a frightening feeling, taking a life. It's a disturbing sense of power, even done for the right reasons. Mercy is one of those few reasons for killing the mind can come to terms with, at least partially, I think. How did I get this far off the original subject? Well, a rant is a rant. Beauty is a fucked up concept, isn't it? It's so individual and personal, yet we, as humans, try to commercialize it. Every human being has a different view on what is attractive or beautiful, and yet we have to have this mainstream definition of it. Why? So we can harrass others over their concept? What I find attractive, even my closest friends may very well disagree with. Why do we need to conform so much to the mainstream? Why are men that like women with more curves treated so poorly? Why are women who like toothpick skinny or shorter men looked down upon? People are fucked up creatures!!

In Review

So, I've decided to bring some of my more interesting blog entries from myspace over here. Many of the blogs to follow will be of that genre.

Smile

"And JR wept because there were no more worlds to conquer. All she had left was love and death." -AFM

"i just got home and i started reading all your blogs in my appenion (even though it dosn't matter) i thank you should have wrote a book because you seem like you have a lot on your mind to say and what i have seen so far really catches my eye your good girl i am new to this my space stuff i never have been much of a computer stuff but you got some real shit on your mind thanks because you got me thankin i have a few family members over seas in iraq and i have sent them some messages regarding what you have wrote i hope you dont mid my brotherin-law likes your page too" -cory

There are always a few moments here n there that make me smile more than others. I suppose today has just been an exceptionally good day, but, regardless, there are things that are sticking in my brain today. The first quote is a line that a friend of mine said, referring to me. It was far too appropriate to ignore. The latter is a copy-n-pasted email someone I was randomly talking to on My Space wrote to me. It was extremely flattering!!! I can't say that I entirely agree with it, but I'm thrilled someone feels that way. I write a lot, though few people bother to read any of it.

My heart is truly my worst enemy. I can't trust it, as it chooses very quickly what not to see. It is the only thing that can blind me. I'm tired of being blinded to details when I meet someone that could be great, because those damned details are always the part that screws it all up- like he has a girlfriend he wasn't telling me about. Attention to detail, JR, attention to detail!!

Romance And Enigmatic Eloquence

It's always odd to me when so much realization falls together at one particular moment. I've heard theories that we get the opportunity to glimpse our future very occasionally and very briefly, if only to refocus our souls. To be totally honest, I'd never given much thought to the theory, nor could I understand how that might come about. That changed tonight. I've had a habit of settling in the romance department, of taking what is presented to me, the easy road, I suppose. I have kept in touch with a friend of mine from training, and e-mails have been exchanged. There's been nothing particularly flirtatious or innappropriate in these emails at any point. I've found this particular man- soldier- to be quite intelligent and interesting, as well as being a hard worker. I have a great deal of respect for him. Tonight, I opened an email from him, and read his telling of a few particularly strong memories he had from his childhood. The stories themselves were interesting, but the manner in which he described them captivated me. The only term I can think to use for it, even now, is a sense of romance. There was nothing even remotely sweet or delicate or Valentine's-Day-like at all about these stories; they were stories of death and fear. The vivid and sensitive details were what gave it the sense of romance, as though it was a paraphrase from a classic novel. It was then that I realized that it was someone with that attention to detail, that receptivity that I needed in my life, and that anything less would be settling. I spoke to him tonight, as well, and realized still more that he had an acute awareness I was ignorant of, and that he'd caught the depth in moments I was sure any human with male organs was doomed to miss. I know better than to presume that this particular man is "The One" but he surely has made me see that there is hope out there for my heart. Just earlier I was wondering what was wrong with me that my heart could not stop wandering so. Perhaps it simply hasn't found it's destination...

Positively

I'm on Holiday Block Leave aka Christmas Exodus from Basic Combat training. I'm staying with a friend in Ohio until I return to Basic on January 3rd. I'm doing incredibly well. Life seems to have finally accepted I will conquer anything it hands out. I love being in the US Army, and I love training. I have some truly amazing battle buddies, and feel that joining the Army is the best choice I ever made. I'm in amazing shape, and I feel great. I'm extremely proud of myself. I have come an incredibly long way from where I was even just a year ago. I will graduate from basic in February, and will do so with an amount of pride unequaled. I am becoming a leader, though all I set out to do was meet the standard. I am proving everyone who ever doubted me wrong and then some. I am not just a female making it through basic training, I am a soldier and am shining as such. Plenty of people assume that I can't or won't work as hard as a male or that I believe I should be treated differently because of my gender. My biggest goal is to prove them all wrong in every way possible. I've experienced the gas chamber twice, and I've stuck IV's twice. I've done whatever was asked of me. I've completed every mission I've been assigned, and was still the first to volunteer when they called. I am proud and I am thankful and I will never look back.

Grateful Painful

So, I saw a guy I never wanted to see again the other night for the first time in years... And it has turned out to be one of the best things that could have happened to me. There was a lot of confusion surrounding the last time I saw him, and he made it very clear that he didn't understand what it was that happened that day. He and I used to be friends, and we've gotten really close again over the last few days... to the point I've found myself having strong feelings for him, though I know it's unlikely that we will be able to go anywhere with them because I'm returning to basic training post-injury shortly. Such is my luck. I've become very grateful for my friends, and have gotten back in touch with a lot of people that I've missed for a long time. More soon I hope.

Haunted

The divorce has been final since June 29th, two days after our 2 year anniversary. I moved 2,000 miles to be with a man roughly two months ago who kicked me out two weeks later after I tried so hard to make it all right. I've been hurt a lot, no doubt, but why it pops up randomly the way it does I may never understand. Today was a fairly good day, if a little chaotic. I have a week left until I ship out to go to basic training for the army. I've been back in touch with a friend of mine from my carnie days, which has been really nice, but it's been rough, too, because I remember how strongly I felt about him, and we've been talking a lot about getting back together. Most days it seems like it'd be a really good idea, but there's always this edge to me that screams 'he's a man, same as the rest, it'll never work out.' I just want to cry right now... I'm hurting so bad, I just want to give up. I keep thinking about all the love I've felt and all the times it's been ripped from my arms... I just want to scream. I'm a wreck tonight and I'm so tired of this all. My heart is so heavy, tears are falling from my face. I want to blame it all on the stress of joining the army, but maybe it's just normal. I don't know, honestly. All I know is I'm lonley and hurting and there may very well be no one in the world who truly cares the way I need someone to care right now. There are people who would be there for me, I know, but I'd just end up feeling like talking to them was a waste of my time and pushing them away anyhow. I just want someone to wrap their arms around me right now... I feel so damned alone. I hate this world right now, because every time I allow myself to get close to someone it blows up in my face and then I just try to do my thing and it's like there's something or someone in every direction forcing me to be a bitch because they just won't back off. I don't want a relationship right now. My heart hurts, my soul weeps and the rest of me is too busy to worry about love. I've never liked being alone, but I've been okay with it lately because it just seemed like that's what was right, and I guess it still does, but I just don't want to be alone tonight. I'm frustrated, I'm hurting and there is no one here to help me through it. It seems like all I do these days is be there for everyone else, and here I am needing someone and there's really just no one to ask to be there for me. I'm alone, I'm really alone. I keep telling people I won't be the type to get homesick while I'm at basic because I've never really had a place to call home. I wonder if I'll even miss anyone while I'm there. That sounds harsh I'm sure, but it's not because I don't care about anyone, it's because I care about a lot of people, I just don't feel like any of em really care about me at this point, so it'll be harder to miss them... *sigh* I give up.

No Mas, Chica Stupida

I should have known better. Most of me did know better. Fact is, I tend to ignore the logical portion of my brain when it comes to matters of the heart. I'm 21 years old and divorced, you'd think I would have figured out that emotions are silly things to bet a vital organ on, particularly one's heart. So, I sit here irritated and tired, anxious and frustrated and wonder what is going to kick me in the ass next. I hate love, but my heart is obsessed with the idea. I'm not happy alone, but I can't trust anyone either. I'm alone even when I'm not. I sound cocky saying it, but there are several guys that have made it clear that they're interested in seeing me, and frankly, I don't want anything to do with it all. I love going out and spending time with people, love having guy friends to curl up and watch movies with, but I don't trust a man as far as I could throw his dismembered member, so it's silly of me to entertain any amount of hope when it comes to dating. I'd love to use the word romance, but I'm not in the habit of using words I don't know the meaning of. My friend Lowe opened the car door for me today and I thought he was opening it up to but the bag he was carrying in the back of the car. No, I'm not kidding. I can't recall the last time someone did that for me. Flowers? Aren't those the big fluffy things with stems I see on my way out of walmart? I'm tired of it. I don't want a fairy tale at all... Thats the last thing I want. I want something REAL. I want someone to prove to me they can be there for me through the hard times and still have the motivation to go the extra mile to show me I'm still special to them and I'm still a lady. I'm bitter and I'm cynical and I'm very angry. Irritated no longer covers it. I'm not a piece of ass, I'm not anyone's bitch or whore, my place is not in the kitchen or the bedroom and I am no one's property. I'm so tired of this BULLSHIT!

Hooah!

I joined the United States Army. I will be a medic- the MOS (job title) I was told I would never manage to pull by my recruiter and the recruiting station commander. I will be shipping out for Basic Training on August 21st, and I don't think I could be more excited unless I already had all my stuff sorted out. I'm not really nervous or scared, though I'm sure the closer it gets, the more my nervous I will be. I'm looking forward to it. I've been wanting to do this for a long time. I have no idea where I'll be stationed, or really much of anything after my training, but I've always been rather fond of adventures, so I'm not particularly worried.

Preoccupation Of The Heart

I've never been one to be stuck on a man. If I can have him and I want him, he's mine, if one or the other isn't there, I'm not about to waste my time. Then again, there's no one else like Mike. I've known Mike for damn near three years now, and we've had no problems, no fights through all of that. We don't always agree, of course, but we both handle ourselves like adults when it comes to those things. I've never lied to him, and, to my knowledge, he's never lied to me. The catch is, we've been talking via telephone and internet since we met. Yesterday morning, at seven o'clock, he got into town after a long drive from up north. I met him in the mall parking lot, and I hugged him and he hugged me and for the next 26 hours nearly all was right in the world. I had the best day in the history of my existence. The memories I have from that one day just astound me. There were no roses, no candle-lit dinners, no walks in the moonlight... But the absolute love and compassion I have had in my heart for this man blossomed in ways that should scare me, should make me turn and run. He's not ready for a relationship, and, until I started realizing my feelings for him, I didn't think I was, either... I trust this man implicitly. He is the most redneck, bizarre, foul-mouthed and goofy person I've ever met. It just so happens that he is also the man that made me feel more loved in a period of 26 hours than other people have been able to in periods of months or years. I love the woman I am when I'm with him. I can be so uptight, so overly emotional, so stressed, and he just flipped a switch somewhere and I was the person I've wanted to be. I was goofy, random, open, trusting, happy... He's not ready for this. I won't push him into a situation he's not ready for. I don't want anyone else, though. Never before has my heart been stuck on someone out of my reach, but it doesn't seem silly or stupid or risky to me now. Mike would never intentionally hurt me, and he's always there for me. He's never broken a promise to me. I'm not sure there's much he wouldn't do to help me. He knows more than damn near everyone about me. I got an email today from the last person I went out on a date with, apologizing for some innappropriate behavior, and basically saying he wanted a second chance... He can be a nice guy, good looking, so on. Frankly, though, he could look like Johnny Depp and act like Casanova with as much money as Bill Gates, I don't want anyone else. I never thought I'd say this, but I hope that never changes. He's had a six year relationship destroyed right before his eyes by the woman (girl) he'd spent so much time with, and is questioning the paternity of the child she carried and he named. I can't blame him. I understand all too well what betrayal feels like. I can't ignore what I felt when I was with him, what my heart is telling me... He may not be ready, I mean, hell, I'm not even sure I am to be honest, but I love him, and I can't- and WON'T- change that. If all we're meant to be is friends, that's okay, because I'm truly blessed to have him in my life in any capacity. However, at this point, he's all I want, and I will wait until I either know this is not meant to be, he would be happier without me in his life in that capacity or, really, until I have him and can prove to him that I am the woman that he wants, and the one that will always be there for him. I don't intend to ever lose his friendship, though. I respect him so much and have NO intentions of giving him anything to be worried about. I love this man, whatever the risk.

Depressed And Alone

I can't remember the last time I felt so alone. I'm sitting in my roomate's house, pretty sure he's sick and tired of my existence, and totally without hope. The enlistment process is taking so much longer than it ever should, and I have no one left here that cares. John is long gone, barely responds to my text messages and only calls me when he needs something. David is one of the biggest pricks I ever met. Mike n Tiff are out of town for two weeks. Adam is stuck to John's hip, regardless of what he tells everyone else about John. I'm so lonely and so depressed and just fucking miserable... Dad never seems to remember what we talk about from one conversation to the next, and I'm worried about him but have no way of seeing if this is normal for him much less a way to do anything about it... I feel like someone killed everyone I ever knew and dropped me onto a desert island never to be heard from nor missed. I'm alone, I'm going broke quickly, and I'm scared...

Broken

I'm tired of people. I'm angry and bitter and hurting and still too weak to stand on my own. I don't know why I can't make this dependancy go away. Im broken and I cant figure out how to fix myself.

through the hoops!

Motherfucker. The next man I fall in love with needs to jump through some serious hoops. I wont EVER move for another man. I won't EVER give up something to be with someone. They will have to chase me, they will have to show me what Im worth to them. I'm sick and tired of falling and sacrificing and ending up alone yet again. Im done with that, if only because the next lover who breaks my heart may end up with something else broken. I'm drunk. I'm pissed. And I'm all. fucking. alone. Kiss my ass. No one reads this, I don't care. I've got no one to look out for me anymore, and I've only got myself. I will simply have to manage. I'm not happy with things, the things I want the most will never come. Love is grand, marriage is bullshit, and trust is for a select few who know better than to surrender to either. I just want someone to hold me, I dont want love, I dont want romance, I just dont want to feel so totally alone... I want someone to put their arms around me and tell me things will really be okay... But no one will, and maybe that's because it won't be okay... Im tired of this. Im tired of all of this... I just want to give up...

Not Alone, Not In Love, Not Sure

Well, to say shit hit the fan is probably an understatement for the happenings of the last two or three days. I've lost track of what it's been now. He broke up with me with no more reason than to say he wasn't ready for a relationship after I moved 2,000 miles for him, amongst a good many other things. He didn't particularly care if I left to sleep at a shelter, and I can't say I'm particularly happy with him. However, I can't say I made all the right choices, either. Giving up everything for him was a mistake. Perhaps it works for some, but it didn't in this case. Some small part of me is still looking for love, but I'm hoping the next time I find myself falling I will fall for the right reasons and be treated the right way, even if it's not forever... A friend of mine, well, at that point a contact more than a friend, offered me his couch when he found out what was going on. Kevin is a sweetheart, and I couldn't possibly be more thankful for a man I feel I barely know. I hope I can make the right choices concerning my future, though it looks like my only option will be to try to get on my feet in Washington while living with my ex-husband. We aren't getting back together, not by any means, but he's being kind and generous and helping me out, so I can't complain. Hope pops up in the oddest of places...

No more hope, no more faith

I sit here alone at half past midnight, with no one left to call, and nothing left to hold onto. I can't continue to hurt people, I can't continue to wreck everyone's lives. I've done all I know how, perhaps sometimes giving up is not only the correct choice but the only choice? I've been living with this man for two weeks, and already seem to be causing more problems than one should ever be allowed to. I'm King Midas' long lost cousin- except everything I touch turns to shit. I don't know what I'll do, I don't know where I'll go. I suppose I'll have no choice but to move back to Maine. I don't ever want to fall in love again. I don't ever want to bear my heart, nor hurt anyone else's again. I just want to fade into the background of life and disappear. I don't make a difference, I fear I never will, and that is not something I am okay with...

Proper Care And Maintenence Of Your Brain

This is one area I seem to have all fouled up. My brain seems to be fighting me these days. Even when the words come easily, things just seem to be backfiring. Emotions are kinda off-kilter and I've been having crazy dreams and terrifying nightmares. I don't so much know what to make of it all. I'm scared about a lot of things, maybe it's just stress? I really couldn't say. I need to figure it out in short order, though, because I don't know how much longer I can deal with the dreams and nightmares and general weirdness. I'm getting pretty frustrated with it all.

So much

I've read so many stories, forwards, bulletins about God working in mysterious ways and people with touching stories. Surely all of them aren't true exactly as they're told, but there is always a truth in there if it touches someone. My heart is so full and my head so busy today. I spent last night lost in nightmares, some of them are the typical ones that replay in my brain randomly, others were new and none the less frightening. The first that stuck with me had me so startled it woke me, and I woke my boyfriend to hold me til I stopped shaking. He says he remembers me waking him up for this, though I don't know if he clearly remembers how badly I was shaken. Images have come easily to my sleep the past few nights, though I'm not entirely sure why that is happening just now. I don't dream often, you see, and when I do there is generally some message in it I should pay attention to. These images from the last few nights, though, I can not make sense of, and perhaps that unnerves me more than the frightening images themselves. I'm feeling a renewed sense of gratitude toward God for giving me Bear, or rather for leading me to him at this time in my life when I believe that I may finally have what it takes to hold on to what means the most. I pray I do. Truth be told, I've been praying more often since I've moved to Texas than I have in my entire life. I know I love this man, yet I still do what I've done for much too long. I nitpick in my mind, I play the grass-is-greener game far too often. It seems incredibly unlikely that I could ever be loved in this way by anyone else, yet still I wonder and I look, and I hate myself for it. Sometimes the smallest things about him get on my nerves, and it's so silly. He's so good to me, and I know he loves me as he says he does. He's more patient than any man in his right mind would be with me. I don't understand why nor how. I just pray that I learn more and more to be grateful for the gift of love that God gave me, rather than looking the proverbial gift horse in the mouth. Bear's a dork, but I couldn't handle him if he were too serious. He tries to be a know it all about entirely too many things he knows less about than he likes to think, but who doesn't? I need to learn patience, I need to learn gratitude. This man is so good to me, he loves me so much. I don't need to take such an attitude with him, and I just want so badly to be what he deserves instead of such an ungrateful bitch. I'm scared I'll simply hurt him, though... I don't like this person I struggle with so often.

An Opportunity To Be Strong

I watched Evan Almighty last night with Bear. There's a wonderful line in that movie. It explains that when someone prays for strength or patience, he doesn't just give them the strength or patience, he gives them the opportunity to be strong or patient. This line hit home with me as I've been sitting here contemplating my relationship with bear, and all the trials and issues that may come with it. I have been panicking as only I can about a relationship. I love this man, and I don't want to lose him. Being who I am, having the habits I have, I know that the things I am hoping will happen will take a great deal of work for me to make possible. I want to marry this man, I want to have his children. He is a soldier, and will, at one point or another, be deployed. I know all too well that this will be the fires of hell for me. I also know if a marriage can truly make it through a deployment in one piece that there is nothing it can't make it through. I don't claim to have made all the right choices in my life, but this is an opportunity to not only be with this man I love soooo much, but it is also a chance to prove that there is nothing I can't handle. This is an opportunity to be strong, to make a life with someone who's goals and hopes are the same as mine. We have big plans, and I couldn't be happier nor mor hopeful.

Lucky Woman

Wow, I love this man. He wasn't the slightest bit upset, and was so so cool about it. He's wonderful, truly. It wasn't any big deal at all. I can't imagine not loving a man this wonderful. I've made some seriously fucked up choices in my life (a great many of those screwing up relationships I was in) but... damn, how could someone get up the gumption to hurt someone like this? I know damn well this is the early honeymoon stage of this relationship and there's bound to be tough times, I mean if anyone understands that concept I do, but he's so understanding, so patient... We communicate really well. He's so sweet and kind and all without being a push over or clingy. His ex-wife and my ex-husband have a painful amount in common, so we understand each other quite well, but her I just dont understand. He married this woman, loved her, wanted to have kids with her, she could get pregnant the old fashioned way (and did- twice- and not by him) and he took care of her... I just don't understand why someone who has it all would just let it all go. He's got the tall-dark-and-handsome thing going for him, too... What I wouldn't give to have been the first love, first wife of someone this great and be able to get pregnant by enacting physical love... I don't understand how someone who has all that could let it go... Can't help but wonder if I'm missing something major with him, because I can't imagine why someone would walk away from this life....

Every which way but okay

So, I'm probably screwing things up in my head way more than they need to be cuz, damn, I feel like hell. My body hates me, I'm convinced.
I was supposed to go to see Bear in a ceremony today (he wasnt getting an award or anything, he was in the ceremony) and it took me forever to find parking and then I started to walk over towards the stands and everyone was looking at me weird and I realize there is not a single other civilian there. I turned around and booked it back to the car and home again. I'm emotional as hell today, I feel like crap physically and I'm tired as shit. Now I can add guilt to that list, because I'd told him I'd be there. I love this man so much and of all reasons to not do what I told him I would, it was stupid panic and nerves. Not good reasons in my book, and I'm embarrassed and feeling guilty, and have since I turned on my heel and headed back to the car. Knowing him, he'll be totally understanding and sweet and hug me and tell me it's okay, but there was nothing to be embarrassed about and/or that there were other civilians I must not have seen them, but I still feel awful cuz Im sure I let him down. Worst case scenario, he's having a rough day like I am and we have our first fight, and that would suck, but honestly, it'd be nice to get the first fight out of the way, because it'll happen eventually, and meanwhile I'm hanging in anticipation of it, and anticipation sucks. I hope he's not mad at me though....
I feel like hell, I just need to go bury my head in the sand or something. I have Bear's car for the day, since I've been going on n off post, so I'll be needing to pick him up for lunch. Thus, I don't want to go back to sleep (again) in case I conk out hard and miss his call. Talk about feeling guilty!

LOVE?!

Well, I've really gone and done it now. I've fallen in love. This is so damned scary- and so entirely not part of the plan. I told him I love him last night, and that is a story unto itself... We watched this preview for a movie coming out made my soldiers in Iraq, and the thought of him deploying again someday damn near made me sick... This isn't an impending situation, this is a someday eventually thing, and I freaked out. Hardcore. It was the utter, stabbing, gut-wrenching fear that made me realize that there was no way to force it back until the guidelines Id tried so hard to stick to could be followed. I looked at him and whispered the words that terrify me more than any others- those scary, weakening, damning words... We kind of stared at each other for a moment and then he got this really shocked, somewhat embarrassed look on his face, and said 'Baby, I'm not sure I heard you. What did you say?' I got so embarrassed, grabbed the first thing I saw that needed to go into the kitchen trash and attempted to make a beeline for the kitchen. He grabbed my legs and hung on for dear life as I laughed and tried to make it to the kitchen anyway. Right in front of our front door, where the kitchen tile meets the living room/hallway carpet, I hit the floor, laughing so hard tears came to my eyes. We lay there in hysterics for a few moments, then I pinned him to the floor and told him, once and for all, that I love him. We must both be insane, but it was the funniest, sweetest, and in a weird way, most romantic thing in the world to me. A few days ago, I had some country music playing on his laptop when he came home from work. I was in the bedroom doing something, and he came in. I gave him a hug, standing there in the doorway, and Paint Me A Birmingham came on. It's not really a falling-in-love song, it's more of a broken heart song, but next thing I knew, the two of us were dancing in the doorway of the bedroom to it. I smile every single time I think of it. He's just so ridiculously sweet. This morning he took a picture of me asleep. I get scared sometimes, and wonder if- or when- I'm going to get my heart broken by this man... Then he does the simplest, sweetest things that he thinks nothing of and I know he truly loves me. Last night I was lying with my head on his chest and my hand on his other shoulder, and, just about the time he started to snore quietly, he reached up, wrapped his fingers around my arm and just held on like he never wanted to let me go. He was asleep! How do you argue with the thought that even the parts of him that I dont see when hes awake want me there with him? I'm so lucky and so, so proud of him. This was never supposed to happen at all, much less this way... Damn it, though, I wouldn't change it for anything, even when I'm terrified.

Baptism

There are so many things in my past I'm unhappy with, so many things I'd like to forget, and to be forgiven for. I want to start this life over, do things the right way this time. I want to start a life of happiness and hope, and leave the one with the pain and anger behind me. I've always been a highly spirtual person, and, while I consider myself Unitarian Universalist these days, I think I want to be rebaptised, though I have no clue how to even go about it. This particular thought has been floating around my mind for ages, but has yet to find a conclusion.

Rebelle

I suppose it's weird that most of the news I know about comes from blogs rather than the television, radio, newspapers or media websites.
I've got entirely too much on my mind. There's been so much that's happened in the last two weeks. I've been in a constant state of flux since the x asked for a divorce, and it's been all for the better. Everything that's changed since that day has been positive, although it still tends to make my head spin how much has changed within me since all of that happened four months ago. I think alot of these things had to happen to get my head on straight, though many of the individual lessons learned were not in any way pleasant when I was going through them. I suppose that's to be expected.
Tomorrow is the decade anniversary of my stepdad's death. I don't know how to expect myself to react to this particular day. In the last ten years there's never been a single day I haven't thought about and missed this man. Yesterday was fathers day, tomorrows the ten year anniversary of his death. How is it possible it was ten years ago?
I wonder if he's proud of me, if he approves of the woman I've become. I wonder what he'd say if he was here. I miss him terribly. I hope, that with all the craziness and chaos in my life, that I have done right by him.

A Revolution Perhaps

I sit here in Killeen, Texas, in my boyfriend's apartment, with thoughts running through my head. The end of the 30-plus-hour-long trip from Maine to Texas came last night around one in the morning. Bear, my boyfriend, flew up to Maine to make the trip with me- and then got up this morning and went to work for five a.m. He's going to sleep like a baby tonight, no doubt. Life has been a rollercoaster ride lately. I lived in Georgia for a few months after the x asked for a divorce. I left Georgia a couple weeks ago, went to Maine briefly. I loved Georgia, but too much has happened and things got a little crazy while I was there. I learned a lot about people living there. Texas was a a pretty impulsive choice, but I don't think I'll regret it. I came to a lot of conclusions and understandings within myself recently, and really needed to start over in a place where my past wouldn't constantly haunt me. Here's to dancing on a deserted beach in the moonlight, and all the lessons and knowledge pain and anger have to offer us. Here's to silly notions of romance and glimpses of dreams in reality, even when they crash at your feet. Here's to the nights we will never forget and the days we never want to remember. More than anything, though, here's to the future and all the hope and promise it brings with it...

Love And Light

It's been a long time since I wrote on this blog, and, seeing as no one reads it, no wonder.
In any case, things are going better than could have ever been expected at this point. The life I had is not the one I wanted to lead, and the sacrifieces I made to stay in that life were not ones I should have made. I finally see who I am on my own, as an adult, an individual, an ever-changing, ever-growing woman. I can't regret a past that got me to the point I'm at today, because I am incredibly grateful to be here, to be living the life I am. I have met the most amazing, wonderful, beautiful people since I've moved to Georgia, and finally feel like I have found home. This state is the place I want to be. Perhaps it won't be forever, but that's okay. The only thing that ever stays the same is that everything changes, and there simply isn't anything wrong with that. I am the happpiest and most grounded I've ever been. I am safe, I am loved, I am happy. It has been seven weeks since I left Tennesee and I don't know that more could have changed in that time frame without death being involved somehow. I see beauty on the horizon, but happiness is already here.

Life As I Know It

So, I've been living in Georgia for a little over 4 weeks now. I've had some rough times, some good luck and some scary experiences. It would take me a week to explain everything that's happened in these last four weeks, so I won't try. I wil say I feel alone in the world more than ever before. I have figured out at this point that I need to be alone on some level for a while, but that doesn't make it any easier to do so. Hopefully I'll be able to get my stuff together and pull a way through college out of the air soon, because I'm bound and determined to become a teacher. I haven't quite sorted out what all of the recent past means for me at this point, and perhaps I never will. I'm trying, though, to fight through all the confusion and madness in my mind...

Impending Divorce

Cris, my husband, asked me for a divorce February 13th. The evening before Valentine's Day. Today's the 15th, the day after Valentine's Day, and I just don't seem to know what to do. I'm getting advice left and right, and, even though the advice I've been getting is generally very true, and very good advice, I'm scared to death. Cris just got promoted, and he'll be re-stationed to Washington state soon, and I was so happy and so proud, but apparently I was alone in feeling these things. I have yet to tell my parents about this, but I plan on telling them today. They'll want me to go back to Maine, undoubtedly, but I have a friend in Georgia who has a job waiting for me, and is going to help me find a place to stay where I can have my cats. As soon as I get the money, I'll make the five and a half hour drive down there. I'm trying to get a job, and I need to go back to a place today to see about it. I want so badly to hold on to Cris, to not let him leave me, but he seems pretty set in this. We're going to Chicago this weekend with his friend Keith, and to see Keith's girlfriend. It's a four day weekend. I don't know how I'm going to survive this weekend without falling to pieces. My heart is breaking.
It was only a few days ago that I half-jokingly told my friend Sarah that if things didn't work out with my marriage, I was sticking to women. I suppose one of the nice things about being bisexual is having that option. Of course, when I said it, I didn't think I'd be considering my options so soon. So, I guess I won't be dealing with the military lifestyle much longer.

The Stress Called Military Life

I haven't posted in a while now. There's been too much going on. I'm looking for work in the area, and we are moving to Washington state, though we don't have a report date as of yet. Those apartment sites are downright pissing me off. There's generally very few pictures, and, on the rare occasion there are a decent number of pictures, there are almost never any of the apartments themselves. Everyone I've talked to that knows the area gives Washington rave reviews, and I'm so glad to hear that, but damned if it isn't impossible to find a place long-distance. As for jobs, Monday is going to be a bitch. There's several places I'm going to go to check into getting hired, and I'm at a point low enough that I'm planning on even going to temp-type agencies. I don't have a decent work history. The jobs I have had I've often lost telephone numbers for, or can't remember my supervisor's name or, on occasion, both. How cool am I? So, I'm fighting an uphill battle on rollerskates.
I'd love to tear apart all the people that are making a fuss over the superbowl ads, and Boston for making such a big stink over some stupid lite-brites, but I simply don't have the energy. All I can say is this: They're smarter than that, all of them; they wouldn't have done that kind of advertising if they thought for even a second you chumps were going to tear them to peices over it. Get over yourselves.

Atkins For Chuang Chuang The Panda?

I'm sure I'm not the only person who knows someone who insists on treating their pets like humans in any and every way possible. Celebrating Bingo's birthday, dressing him up in cute little sweaters, the list goes on. We all know those people. However, this takes it to the next level. Poor Chuang Chuang has had us humans putting him on that low-carb Atkins-style diet, planning on showing him panda porn, and, get this- they even put together a traditional wedding for him and his hopeful mate, Lin Hui. All this, just to get the big guy in the mood. Poor guy.

Hear that folks? IF he did it- which, of course, he didn't!

Well, folks, there are just some cases that make so many of us wish that the double-jeopardy law didn't always have to apply... O.J. still swears he didn't do it, but in his book that (thankfully) got sent to the scrap heap, he went so far to explain how it could have happened- of course, that's IF he had done it. Which we all know he just couldn't have, right? Good Heavens. This article, from Reuters, discusses some parts of the book that were given, by an unnamed source, to Newsweek. The guy went so far as to describe driving to his ex-wife's house, how Ron reacted to him, who was with him, and plenty more, I'm sure. He manages to leave out the part where he does the deed, but I'm not sure why. Was he afraid to look guilty? In any case, there was quite a big ordeal about the publishing of this book, and so 400,000 copies were destroyed. It kind of makes me wonder, though; exactly how many trees were cut down to produce that crap in the first place?

Re: "Why (Most) Women Shouldn't Run"

Generalizations, anyone? This crap just astounds me. This guy has the physics aspects down okay, but women- even 'most' women, as the title specifies- is still quite general for the subject matter. Yes, women generally have wider hips than men, and, yes, wider hips can mean more potential problems, but, just like women, men's bodies vary as well. What about overweight men? Would it do no damage to them to run? Would it not have the same effect on men with wider hips? Low-impact exercises are simply less likely to cause knee injuries to anyone versus running, and other high-impact exercises, NOT just women. If you want to be general, you could try not to lean towards the sexist side of massive generalizations.

Ashley The Pillow Angel

I don't usually write commentaries on things outside of my own life, but this story is all over the news, all over blogs, and, for some reason, seems to be highly controversial.
There is a little girl named Ashley, and she is nine years old. She is well-loved and cared for, and generally described as happy. However happy she may be, or how much her parents and siblings love her, she is not like other little girls. Ashley has not mentally matured since she was roughly three months old, and there is, according to her parent's blog, zero chance of any change ever happening. Now, maybe we would all be unaware of this little girl's existence, had her parent's not cared so much for her and wanted to continue to care for her at home. They chose to have her uterus removed, as well as her breast buds, and to have her growth stunted by large amounts of estrogen. She will never have to go through the pain that reproductive organs can cause as they develop normally; no menstrual cramps, no periods, no chest pains from growing breasts. Nor will she ever have the chance of breast cancer, ovarian cancer, and so many other problems that can develop. And she will continue to be a size and stature that is manageable for her parents to care for. She will most likely never have to be cared for in a nursing home by strangers, in a place she may feel uncomfortable or frightened in. As her parent's blog states, she is easily startled. None of this is what I find so interesting, though. There's a huge amount of coverage on this story; but most of it covers the 'controversial nature' of these procedures. We are not talking about a girl with downs syndrome, bipolar disorder, ADD, schizophrenia, or any number of other disorders/illnesses that so many people live with. This girl is unable to walk, talk, read, hold a toy, or in any way care for herself. She is fed through a tube. This girl will never have the intellectual ability to consider sexuality of any sort, much less reproduction. What, I ask you is so wrong with sparing this girl pain and separation from the people who have so lovingly and responsibly cared for her for the entirety of her life? Seriously, people, stop fighting the people that are doing what's best for their child and start being thankful for the fact that these parents care enough about their child to spare her pain in any way possible, with as little risk to her as possible. There are many people with children much healthier than Ashley, and some with totally healthy children that don't care for or love their babies nearly as much as these people do. To the parents of Ashley, whoever and wherever you might be, if you happen to read this; best of wishes to you and your three children. Know that there are people who support you.

HAPPY NEW YEARS EVERYBODY!

I had such an awesome New Year's Eve! Cris and I went out to a party last night at a friend's of his' house. It was awesome! Everyone was so nice. I got utterly toasted, of course. And, best of all, I finally got to kiss my husband at midnight! I have a feeling it's going to be an awesome year! I'm so happy! Cris's birthday is in 6 days, but he still won't tell me what he wants to do for it. He's so stubborn! My birthday is in 15 days and counting! Dad's birthday is in 11 days. January is such a crazy month. I hope everybody has a great 2007!!!