May There Be Healing In Your Silence

I called someone I shouldn't have.
I called someone my mother would have been very upset I spoke to after all these years.
I called one more person I had heard her say so many bad things about, in an effort to face the pain I had been unable to let go of.
He reacted much like my father had when cornered- unwilling to say anything unkind about my mother, but unable to accept the responsibility my mother had put on his name behind his back. He didn't call her a liar, nor did he challenge what I said. He simply sounded hurt and mentioned there were problems she hadn't brought to light before, and I was the one to say the word:
Alcoholic.
Why this word was so foreign, and so difficult to say for these men, was completely beyond my comprehension, and I'm still struggling with that part of this.
I have to assume my mother always did the best she could, but that doesn't mean I have to like the choices she made. I've forgiven her in my heart, though I know I will never let her play any real role in my life again. She has not overcome the challenge, because she can't even admit to herself what it is she does. She assuages the guilt by accusing those around her of her own sins. Physical and emotional abuse. Drinking. Driving under the influence. Showing up to work drunk, and/or reeking of alcohol. Various other, smaller, crimes. She hasn't kept a job more than a year in quite some time, and has had a bottle of mouthwash in her car for as long as I can remember. The things she's accused others of are the things no one else can verify. The more I try to recall the events, the less I believe that she knows the difference between her fantasy world and the real world. She's been lying so long that I think she must have begun to believe her own lies at some point. I'm 23, and can't remember a time she didn't drink.
As of Sunday, the 21st, I have been sober 3 months.
I can't believe it's only been three months, but I haven't given up, and don't intend to ever take another drink.
I will not end up like her.
I can not accept that from myself.