Jaded Is Overrated: A New Beginning

1:01 AM - Jaded Is Overrated
Current mood: strong

My mind is floating right now. I'm not intoxicated in any way, just contemplative of the life I'm living, and both scared and eager to see where it leads me. I've been a soldier in the United States Army for a little over four months now, and will be completing only the earliest phase of my training in another month and a half. I've worked hard for that day, harder than many may be able to understand. It's not the only thing I've worked hard for, though. I have a very unique history, complicated and frustrating, even now. I have just truly begun to leave it all behind. My ex-husband, my childhood problems, my traumas, my weaknesses, those things are still only a couple steps behind me. Here I am, barely on the blessed side of New Years, staring down the barrel of a brand new year, a fresh start. I have my goals firmly planted inside my mind, and a large cache of faith that I've been working hard to store away for a rainy day. Truly, faith and a fresh start seem to be my best tools. Many times now, I have found myself in an unfamilar place, surrounded by people I don't know and who don't know me, wondering how I'll ever make it, but knowing without a doubt that I will find a way, no matter what it takes, because that's what I do. I don't give up. So, here I sit, preparing to return to the beginning of my military career, and wondering how I'll ever make it. I fear few things, but it is only natural for a human to fear the unknown. Whatever adventures I face, I will face alone, in a sense, but not. I don't know who, exactly, will be standing beside me when I get off the plane or bus at Ft. Sam Houston or who will be there when I arrive at my permanant duty station. I don't know who I will be fighting beside, who I will be healing when I get deployed for the first time. These are things I won't know until it happens. The thing is, whether or not I know who they are, those people that will be experiencing these things with me will be family. I have a loving family- my dad, mom and sister, not to mention various uncles, aunts, cousins and other assorted relatives, but never in my entire life have I experienced anything like the family I have within the Army. I have people calling me at 0330 because they need a friend, though they've known me barely more than a month. I can't imagine turning them away, or ignoring their call. These people are family beyond family. They are not my blood, but they are my kin. None of them were present at my birth, nor did they experience my childhood, teenage years, or any part of my life before August, and many not until November, but they are the people that stand up for me, look out for me, watch my back, and experience everything I do, even if it's not their problem. They are the people who listen to me late at night when I'm angry or miserable, or confused. These are the people who I share my good news, my bad news, my joys and frustrations with, and they will always understand and be there for me and with me. I don't know all the people that will go through the tough times with me, I can't possibly. Unknown Family, that's what they are. My heart is finally feeling peaceful. These last couple weeks have shown me that I have finally started fresh, truly, that I am finally healing from everything. I am not bitter, as I was for so long. I am sad when I look into the past, but I wouldn't be human if the loss of love didn't make me sad. I've done a great deal of introspection on the matter of my failed marriage, and realized a good many things. When I got married, I hadn't had time to fall in love with this man, I didn't know who he was, how can I say I loved him then? I was infatuated, surely, as much with the romance of the plan as the mystery and intensity of the man. I came to love him, though, and found security in our relationship, as unstable and rocky as it often was. He was my knight on the white horse, rushing in to rescue me from whatever dungeon or tower I'd managed to get myself locked away in. Problem is, I didn't know how to stand on my own, and we could never find balance between ourselves in many, many ways. I could never stand alone with him beside me, though I'm still not sure what caused that, exactly. I didn't know I could fly until I was thrown off the cliff. Here I am, though, soaring. I've hurt so much in the last ten plus months, I've been primarily alone, relationship-wise, through the majority of that. I've learned more in that time than I can begin to understand. I can't find it in my heart to be angry or jealous or frustrated, even, by all of it anymore. I'm moving on. My life has progressed so drastically since what I once thought of as the beginning of the end, it's amazing. I'm a woman I never thought I could be, that for a long time I was told I never could be. My dreams are coming true, even if it's not quite the way I had planned. I'm a soldier, and surely my other dreams will fall into place in due time. Some day I will fall in love again, someday I will get married again, someday I will have that family I've dreamt of for so long. I don't know when, I don't know where, hell, I'm not even sure how. Faith, this crazy, random, eclectic and wide-open faith in my heart, constantly reminds me that it's not me behind the steering wheel, and it's not my plans that count. I can't imagine being this person or this happy if my plans had worked out as I'd wanted. I'm proud of myself, I'm stronger than I've ever been, and my life, MY LIFE is just beginning. 2008 is the beginning of a new book, a new dream, a new life... There's nothing that can hold me down. And so it begins, through the eyes of me...