I Can Do Good All By Myself

I had seen the first third or so of Tyler Perry's I Can Do Bad All By Myself ( http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1385912/ ) before, but I borrowed it from my big brother tonight to finish watching... More than a couple things hit home, which probably doesn't surprise you at all if you've ever seen this movie and know much at all about me.
At some point, I was texting a friend about plans we had made, and whether or not he'd be able to keep the plans, and I typed "I can handle anything so long as it's only my feelings I have to worry about." As I hit the send button, there was a SKIRK moment... You know, the tires screeching on the pavement because you've just realized that you almost drove right past the very point in the road you'd been looking for.
"I can handle anything so long as it's only my feelings I have to worry about."
Wait a second, where'd that come from? I'm not selfish, and I don't know too many people that I can imagine calling me that.
Yet, I knew this statement was absolutely true.
It's time to let it go. It's time to stop giving myself those excuses, and stop dismissing my own actions. I've been so busy for so many years feeling guilty about every choice I made, then swinging in the exact opposite direction because I was so tired of feeling guilty for everything... Literally, if I walk past a peice of trash on the street and don't pick it up, I feel guilty. No lie. Happens almost daily, though much of the time I'll stop, or even turn around, and pick it up.
It's time to stop being angry at myself and accept, hey, yeah, I made a bad choice. No 'but it was because I was emotional' or 'but it was because of the PTSD' etc... I've come too far to be blaming it on things that I don't let control my life anymore. I was given excuses as a child, I wasn't held responsible for my actions. Truth be told, it's a miracle I'm alive today with even one of the number of things I used to do. It's a miracle it didn't get a lot more serious. I'm not perfect, I never will be, because that's not who God made me to be. I can't help anyone if I haven't been through the darkness myself. Believe me, I've seen the darkness.
So, here I am. I've learned what happens when you trust someone when you've put both of you in a situation where temptation is present. I don't do that anymore. I stood outside in the hall for probably 20 minutes earlier, to spend a little while with someone I genuinely like. I've seen him for a little while every night since last Friday, and I have no intention of placing myself, or him, in a situation where temptation is going to get the better of us, because I'm not ready to give in to the temptation, and I'm only human, so I have to accept the fact that I just might not be strong enough to fight it.
Maybe this is who I'm supposed to be with for the rest of my life, maybe that's why he came into my life at this time.
Maybe he's just another person who was sent to my life to teach me something I needed to learn.
Either way, I understand far better, now, what choices I must make to be happy with the person looking back at me in the mirror.
It's been a long time since I let someone I loved hit me, but I did, at one point and time.
It's been a long time since I let someone tell me I wasn't worth their love, but I did, at one point and time.
I've done badly, in the name of "love".
Maybe some people can accept the fact that they can do bad all by themselves, but I'll tell you right now, that's not good enough for me.
I can do good all by myself.
START AGAIN.