Memphis Dreams

I’ve been doing a lot of introspection and growing lately. I’m not really sure how to explain where this latest burst of realization came from, but I know it was a true awakening.

I am not scared to be alone anymore. I am not going to accept that I must either completely excuse my behavior, or feel painfully guilty about it. There is an in-between.

I watched “I Can Do Bad All By Myself” tonight. It made me wake up to many of my own behaviors- like only being willing to be responsible for my own feelings. I’ll never be able to truly love in that frame of mind. I’m ready to move on.

I am seeing someone I truly care about right now, and have made a point of not putting us in a situation where temptation would be a factor. I spent 20 or so minutes in the hall with him, talking and such, just to be able to see him, but we haven’t spent any time in my room, or in his, because I am not ready to give in to the temptation, and I have accepted the fact that I am human, and I may not be strong enough to fight the temptation should it present itself.

Memphis… just keeps popping into my head. I spent one brief weekend there with my ex-husband, to see a concert- I can’t remember if we even spent the night there, to be honest- but I know I’ve wanted to go back so badly ever since.

I’ve started planning. I’m not sure when- maybe it’ll be in 17.5 years when I retire from the Army, or maybe it’ll be when I go home on leave after Korea- but I’m going to spend some time in Memphis. I’d like to have people with me, but I’m not really sure who I’d take, and I’m not really sure anyone would feel what I do about it. Memphis is a dream come true to me. Everything about it screams home to me, despite the fact I’ve barely spent any time there. It’s the Home of The Blues, and the Birthplace Of Rock & Roll. It’s Southern in the truest sense of the world. It’s Elvis’ home. It’s Dance Hall City to me. Have you ever seen Black Snake Moan? If you get to the part where they’re at the Dance Hall… It’s beautiful to me. Everyone dancing, everyone reckless and free, just moving, just existing… I like the movie, very much, honestly, but that part… just truly touches my soul, in a way I don’t know how to explain. That scene depicts Memphis, to me, as well. What that scene makes me feel, that overwhelming freedom and joy, is the same thing I feel when I think of Memphis. That, I believe, is where I’m meant to live some day. I don’t know why. I loved Atlanta when I was there, and Austin is a great city that I would truly like to spend more time in… But Memphis… is my dream.