Every which way but okay

So, I'm probably screwing things up in my head way more than they need to be cuz, damn, I feel like hell. My body hates me, I'm convinced.
I was supposed to go to see Bear in a ceremony today (he wasnt getting an award or anything, he was in the ceremony) and it took me forever to find parking and then I started to walk over towards the stands and everyone was looking at me weird and I realize there is not a single other civilian there. I turned around and booked it back to the car and home again. I'm emotional as hell today, I feel like crap physically and I'm tired as shit. Now I can add guilt to that list, because I'd told him I'd be there. I love this man so much and of all reasons to not do what I told him I would, it was stupid panic and nerves. Not good reasons in my book, and I'm embarrassed and feeling guilty, and have since I turned on my heel and headed back to the car. Knowing him, he'll be totally understanding and sweet and hug me and tell me it's okay, but there was nothing to be embarrassed about and/or that there were other civilians I must not have seen them, but I still feel awful cuz Im sure I let him down. Worst case scenario, he's having a rough day like I am and we have our first fight, and that would suck, but honestly, it'd be nice to get the first fight out of the way, because it'll happen eventually, and meanwhile I'm hanging in anticipation of it, and anticipation sucks. I hope he's not mad at me though....
I feel like hell, I just need to go bury my head in the sand or something. I have Bear's car for the day, since I've been going on n off post, so I'll be needing to pick him up for lunch. Thus, I don't want to go back to sleep (again) in case I conk out hard and miss his call. Talk about feeling guilty!