So much

I've read so many stories, forwards, bulletins about God working in mysterious ways and people with touching stories. Surely all of them aren't true exactly as they're told, but there is always a truth in there if it touches someone. My heart is so full and my head so busy today. I spent last night lost in nightmares, some of them are the typical ones that replay in my brain randomly, others were new and none the less frightening. The first that stuck with me had me so startled it woke me, and I woke my boyfriend to hold me til I stopped shaking. He says he remembers me waking him up for this, though I don't know if he clearly remembers how badly I was shaken. Images have come easily to my sleep the past few nights, though I'm not entirely sure why that is happening just now. I don't dream often, you see, and when I do there is generally some message in it I should pay attention to. These images from the last few nights, though, I can not make sense of, and perhaps that unnerves me more than the frightening images themselves. I'm feeling a renewed sense of gratitude toward God for giving me Bear, or rather for leading me to him at this time in my life when I believe that I may finally have what it takes to hold on to what means the most. I pray I do. Truth be told, I've been praying more often since I've moved to Texas than I have in my entire life. I know I love this man, yet I still do what I've done for much too long. I nitpick in my mind, I play the grass-is-greener game far too often. It seems incredibly unlikely that I could ever be loved in this way by anyone else, yet still I wonder and I look, and I hate myself for it. Sometimes the smallest things about him get on my nerves, and it's so silly. He's so good to me, and I know he loves me as he says he does. He's more patient than any man in his right mind would be with me. I don't understand why nor how. I just pray that I learn more and more to be grateful for the gift of love that God gave me, rather than looking the proverbial gift horse in the mouth. Bear's a dork, but I couldn't handle him if he were too serious. He tries to be a know it all about entirely too many things he knows less about than he likes to think, but who doesn't? I need to learn patience, I need to learn gratitude. This man is so good to me, he loves me so much. I don't need to take such an attitude with him, and I just want so badly to be what he deserves instead of such an ungrateful bitch. I'm scared I'll simply hurt him, though... I don't like this person I struggle with so often.