Drain

It seems I can no longer sleep without writing before I try.
Right now, I'm worn out emotionally. Sundays seem to roll around and I find myself sad every time. This week is not the exception. I am homesick, but that is only a small portion of it. Naturally, the news I was being moved again- though it was, in part, my choice- has an effect on me. I am more grateful than ever right now for Beth H, because she is the one person who I know will never, ever let me forget I have a place back home. Ryan is busy handling some things right now, and I am out of international minutes until tomorrow evening, at least, so we are temporarily out of touch. It's not painful for me not to speak to him, not like I'd expected, but I do remember how much I miss him when I can't hear his voice. Beth never seems to fail when it comes to popping up at exactly the right time- I got a comment from her earlier today that made me relax a little.
Over here, I am feeling displaced once again. I have been spending time with two guys here that are truly more like brothers to me than anything else, Geoff and Anthony, but part of me feels less like a woman hanging out with them. It's nice to be one of the guys, but sometimes that's the last thing I want to feel like. It's such a fine line.
I see pictures of people I used to spend time with doing things I would have loved to be invited along to do, and feel sad and abandoned. It's silly, but it's true. Knowing that I'll be moving soon just makes me wonder why I would bother getting attached or re-attached to people here, which doesn't help anything, of course. I miss home, and, right now, it's hard to remember that this place, and these people, aren't forever. I'm struggling tonight.
My friend Anthony tells me when I see Ryan again, it'll be just like old times, that everything's just going to fall right back into place, and be easier and better than I can imagine right now. I can only hope he's right. Some part of me knows that, while this relationship is the strongest I've ever had, we will fight, and I will hurt- and that part of me just keeps waiting for it. I've hurt so much in the past, and accepted enough less-than-the-standard relationships that I expect the worst somewhere deep in my heart. It's soothing to me to know that, when it comes to Ryan, a good serious argument is what I perceive as 'the worst' but still I worry.
This is fairly typical for a Sunday night, so I do not worry.
There are things I will be working on to keep my emotions and senses balanced, because logic, alone, does not put one at ease. This is going to be a trying week, without a doubt. I need to let go of the pain tonight, so tomorrow will be a fresh start.
Good night, my friends and family.