Double Vision

I'm struggling a little today, as last night completely sucked, so I am tired.

I was talking to Ashton, after he mentioned me being "strong", and it was about my past stuff.

There were some things I remembered for the first time.

It wasn't a new incident, but it made me look at everything a different way.

I realized how far back my behavior has shown signs of trauma- a few weeks ago, I remembered the panic when I was seven. Naturally, I thought that was when the PTSD must have started, though it seems incredible to me that a child could develop these issues.

Now, though, I realize that there has to be more than I really do remember. My behavior showed signs of having been sexually traumatized as young as four. I remember the incident from when I was three- it was another child who had been traumatized passing on the lessons his parents had taught him- but until now, I really didn't believe that was the brunt of any of this.

How do you deal with something like this?

I remember behaviors at 4, at 7, at 11 that showed that I hadn't begun healing from this.

How can I even call it PTSD if it was going on all these years?

What do I call it if I don't?

Twenty years ago a little boy at our babysitter's house wanted to play the 'Lions and Tigers Game'. It was years before I would use crayons again. Behind that big tree that was so good for climbing, my heart broke for the first time. People weren't all good- how does a three year old's mind process this? Even today, I struggle with how people are capable of making the decisions they do. How, at three years old, did this not tear apart the intricate and still fragile tissues of my young mind?

How, at twenty three, am I still struggling with this?



I identify so strongly with Pink's lyrics- wanting someone to stay more than anything, but, at the same time, being more scared of that than any other thing in the world. I struggle each day with feeling 'good enough'- and I never do.