The Exception And The Rule

My friend Beth H said something to me one day that I don't think she realized would echo in my mind for, well, it's still echoing a week or two later.

"So long as I'm nice and polite to them, the mean people don't win."

It was a thought she explained that she'd had as a child, and I can't help but be astounded at how smart a child she was.

It is this line, and the fact that, when I get upset I think of things as being the exception- thus why I allow myself to be upset about them- rather than the rule. I know there are always last minute changes in the Army- but every one so far has been labeled, in my head, as 'the exception' instead of 'the rule' and, thus, I am allowed to be upset when it happens.

Retarded people happen, too- another rule.

I'm doing my damndest to get a handle on this thing.

Whatever it is.

Whatever it can be called, being such a thing.

I can not let my emotions control me, because, as a very young Beth said, then the mean people win. If there's one thing I'm stubborn with, it's competition- and no one is going to beat me. So, I smile when I'm trying not to cry and I say 'Yes, sergeant' when I want to scream 'You blipping moron! What the hell are you thinking? Did you hear anything that was just said? What is wrong with you? No wonder you can't pick up any rank!' I'm getting good at this game, if slowly. These things take practice, I suppose. I want this. No- I NEED this. I need to be in control, for the first time in my life, really be in control. I broke down last night, it was bad. I must have been in the shower for an hour. My skin was raw and sore from the hot water and scrubbing. All I could think was 'No more of them.' I wanted those people off my body, my skin, my mind and my heart. No amount of scrubbing will take away what they did- it takes much more work than a shower. I won't let them win. I won't let the mean people win.

This life is hard. I don't care that some people tell me that I've 'had it rough' or the like- I'm not strong, I'm not any better or stronger than anyone else. I'm just a little more stubborn, and blessed enough to have some truly amazing people in my life to help me counteract all the negativity. I can break down, it won't end anything, it won't hurt anyone. I need to let myself break down like I did last night, just a little more often. Even if it hurts much worse, it relieved so much pain, it dissolved so much fear.

I feel lost, and I feel like less than others most of the time.

I don't know if that makes me the exception or the rule.

I just know this is a battle- a war- I refuse to lose.