Fairytale Princess

Reality is bound to set in eventually, making this all harder, right?
Every single day Ryan has done something that just throws me for a loop and makes me think "I'm engaged to a man like that?!" He's incredibly good to me, and, without a doubt in his mind, believes I deserve every bit of it.
I find myself listening to two artists a lot; Everclear (band) and Pink.
I'm not entirely sure why I relate so much to Everclear's music, but it always seems to set me back on an even keel after something retarded has happened.
Pink, however, I know damned well why I relate to.
She's me. I mean, listen to her lyrics: she's the tough girl, the brute, the independent woman who's been through hell and back again and doesn't need anyone- but is scared as hell she doesn't deserve what she wants the most, or the love that she's getting. She pushes the ones who love her away, praying they won't go. It's my life, man.
I'm terrified I will wind up hurting Ryan or pushing him away. I've known this man for nearly five years and, despite the fact that he clearly remember the year I was born (cradle robber), he loves me despite all the madness he's seen in me.
He knows how crazy I am, he knows... hell... this boy knows way too much about me. He knows me well enough that I can tell him exactly what I'm most scared of ending our relationship, and he and I can talk so openly about it that it doesn't phase me that I'm sitting in a public area with people walking by overhearing what really should have been a private conversation. I've never felt so safe with anyone. I haven't seen this man in two years, yet still I know, without a doubt, that he has my best interests at heart 100% of the time. I don't think I've ever been that sure with anyone in my life. This is crazy. This is amazing.
I go back to work tomorrow. I'd be lying if I said I was looking forward to all of it, nevermind the getting up at 0500 hrs part, but I'll be glad to be back on a regular schedule. I think that'll help me. I want to get a little deeper into the retention thing, it's way past due. I want those corporal stripes. I can make my sgt, when it's time, I'm not even worried about that. Corporal, though, not everyone gets. I want it, bad. I want that privilege. I want to know I earned that. That would just mean so much to me. I have to earn it, though, and that means I really need to step my game up, and get my head seriously into this Hooah crap. PT is going to have to start being a bigger focus for me, too. Right now, my body hates me. It has to be a combination of the PTSD and the meds, but I have lost a serious amount of weight, and my muscles are definitely hurting for it. We're talking like 30 lbs in the last 4 months or so, I'd guess. My belt has about an inch and a half of slack on it on it's tightest notch. Anyone who knows me knows that skinny is not healthy for me. I lose muscle way faster than I realize.
So I know my goals- now all I have to do is reach them. Simple!
I'm grateful for all I have-not least of all my husband-to-be!
(And my future stepchildren are pretty frikkin cool too.)