The Downward Spiral

I don't know if my brain just isn't used to having this much energy or what.
I feel like I can't slow my thoughts down, bouncing from one fear to the next. It's not the typical anxiety, the typical freak-out, this is a whole new animal. I'm not sure whether to be upset or relieved by this change.
This isn't the severe, panic-attacking, horrific, nightmarish shock fest that my mind has so enjoyed taunting itself with for so long.
This is just a ping pong ball bouncing off one bad-memory trigger, and onto the next. Past loves, heart breaks, hurts and wants... The things and, especially, people who have hurt or abandoned me in the past... they fill my mind. I want to be with someone who will hold me and listen, and be there for me, without ever needing explanation or apology, or asking for more than I can give....
Truth is... I don't have that right now.
Everyone needs that explanation, they need me to tell them what's going on, they need to know what I'm thinking, when right now, all I really need is a chance to be open to what comes and what doesn't, without risking opening myself up to being hurt again. It's going to be a rough night, I expect, but perhaps it's for the best that I'll be alone this time... or maybe not. I suppose I'll find out soon enough.
At least this time, I know who to trust how much and in what way... And who will use my weakness against me, given the chance. I want things to be different, but I guess they're all only human, too.