Waking Up Older- Happy Birthday, Undo What You've Done

16 JAN 10
I drank last night.
I didn't have a glass of wine or one drink. I had liquor.
It was the first time in eight or nine months I've been drunk, and I'm quite upset with myself over it.
I definitely considered keeping it a secret, as very few people saw this, thankfully, but I really don't want it to happen again, and the best way, in my experience, to keep something from happening again is to be very honest and open about the fact that it's happened and you don't want to do it again. That's one reason I have very few secrets.
I guess it's called a relapse, but no matter what you call it, it made me realize that I can't keep hiding the truth from myself. I have fought with the word 'alcoholic' because, no matter how much I drank, I kept telling myself I wasn't REALLY an alcoholic. I quit because I don't really like the idea of being intoxicated, I don't agree with it.
Last night, as one of my brothers watched me shake uncontrollably while the alcohol burned off, and I realized that I knew exactly how my body would react over the next few hours- from experience, not any text book lesson- I saw that I can't keep lying to myself. Acceptance is hard, especially when it limits you from something that was once a part of your identity. I used to be able to drink most of my guy friends under the table, and I was proud of that, because it meant I wasn't just a girl, I was one of them, and a force to be reckoned with. Last night, two very strong drinks (the latter of the which I ordered, only to have the waitress ask me if I was okay) and a shot in, I realized there was no high alcohol tolerance left, and I didn't like the thoughts going through my head enough that I was willing to continue.
Maybe I'm less of a soldier for not drinking, I don't know, what I do know, though, is today, my birthday, I start again. I'm drinking water like it's going out of style because I can literally still feel the alcohol in my body. Scary feeling.