I spent 4 hrs on a bus for someone who decided he had better things to do than spend time with me.
Then I had a guy decide it was a good idea to try to touch and kiss on me like I was his own after inviting him out to dinner (as friends) after homeboy #1 ditched.
Then, after splitting with that one... My homegirl decided to get me talking to the hottest guy in the bar... I'll be back next weekend.
I'm proud of myself and happy about the outcome of this weekend. Truth be told, I'm more than a little blown away by all of this.
I really can't complain, God has me in his sight, and my life is good, even if it's just a little confusing sometimes.
I'm making my own choices. There's no action that will be a consequence of my past, there's no excuses anymore. I'm better for all I've been through, and I will not let the hurt control me anymore.
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A unique perspective on random and often bizarre subject matter. A narrative of a life thrown to chaos. One chick's thoughts.
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About Me
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2010
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January
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- Showing Out
- Saying Goodbye
- Best Practices
- Astonished Beyond Compare (Adult Content)
- Single And (Learning To) Love It
- My Brothers & Sisters
- Simple Rules That Are Hard To Follow
- Soul Song
- Reality Just Set In
- Defining My Horizons
- Waking Up Older- Happy Birthday, Undo What You've ...
- Happiness- ???
- Step Off
- Astaria and Kadijih
- The Fine Art Of Being A Lady
- Trust
- Where I Stand, There You Lie
- The Downward Spiral
- The Cure
- Bliss, And I Don't Mean The Fort
- Prophecy And Boyfriends
- Musical Perfection
- Patience, Strength And What Happens When You Run O...
- Aging Disgracefully
- Knocking On The Gate
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January
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6 comments:
Hi there,
I stumbled upon your journal as part of my late-night web surfing. Don't ask, I'm tired, and one click led to another, but suddenly, somehow, I found your blog. And I must admit, I am quite impressed with everything you have put on your blog.
I find myself a lot like you, minus the minority and religion/spirituality part. I'm "Caucasian", the third generation in the United States from Italy, and I am just now getting into spirituality and being open minded. I was raised a Bible thumping Christian if you get what I'm saying, so I shut religion out of my life for awhile.
I'm in the same age range as you, and I have the same experiences as you as well. I suffer from PTSD as well, and it is from physical abuse.
I'm a tomboy like you, but I'm short (5'1) and have always been almost unhealthily skinny. I've struggled with being a "woman" as well, because I'm usually found in pants and a shirt, and it's a rare occasion when I dress up or even wear make-up, and I'm in my 20s.
Enough about me, I just wanted to leave you a comment to let you know that I think you are inspiring, and just reading your story was inspiring and makes me want to be a better person. A month or two ago you made a post about the iPod challenge, and that's really interesting to think about how lyrics make you a better person. You are a deep thinker, and I really like how you word most of your entries, even if they're thoughts floating out of your head. Excuse me if this is rambling or not making any sense, I am extremely tired and am running on very little sleep as is. And I have a blog too, so I know how creepy this must be getting a comment from a total stranger, but seriously, keep your head up, things will get better. You seem like an AMAZING woman from your posts. Have a great 2010 year, and hope things shape up for you! :)
Honey, it's not creepy. Thank you... I don't know what else to say, really. It was incredible timing, and it means a lot to me to know that my words meant something to somebody. Please feel free to get ahold of me any time. Thank you.
Thank you so much for responding, I bookmarked your blog and will continue to read your words of wisdom. Your words are encouraging and you have such a gift! Your words do mean a lot, even if it is just knowing that I am not the only one going through the same struggle.
Stay strong, you're an amazing individual and you have a lot to offer the world.
I should probably start making a blog about everything.. maybe it would help with emotions when they begin to run wild.
I do have something to ask, though. . . if you do happen to have a nightmare, and wake up from it, in the middle of it or at the end of it, what do you do that helps calm yourself down? I haven't found a cure for that one yet. I've stopped injuring myself in my sleep (split lip or something of the like) but I still occasionally wake up screaming. Just curious on this, if you have any words of wisdom to offer..
Thanks again and remember, stay strong. Things will look up! :)
It's been a habit of mine since the first rape to stay in the shower for long periods of time when I freak out, and waking up from nightmares is no exception. I haven't known anyone else who injured themselves in their sleep, and the few people I told about it when it started happening looked at me like I was crazy. Lately it's only been tearing open scabs and the like, which is much easier to handle than the busted lip, sliced finger (still can't figure out how I did that), and torn-open scars. The shower, though, is the 'safe place'. It's easier to drown out the thoughts of where you were mentally when you're immersed in water, I think, because there's so much more physical sensation to keep you grounded.
Thank you, it really means a lot to me to hear from you.
Ah, the shower... I love the shower for the same reason. It's the only thing I've found that helps lately, even if it means dragging my ass out of bed at five o'clock in the morning to take a shower to make myself feel better.
And no, thank YOU, I was so happy to be able to find someone who actually could relate to what I was going through and did the same things as me. I, like you, have never found anyone else who hurts themselves in their sleep so when people hear about me doing it, they look at me like I'm a crazy that belongs in the loony bin.
Sometimes it seems like a never-ending battle, though, and sometimes I really wonder if I'll ever be able to really get over it.
For awhile before bed, I found that meditation techniques, whether it be yoga or journalism before I went to sleep, helped a LOT with the nightmares. I went a few months without nightmares. And then I woke up screaming. The worst part is when I stay the night at a friend's house and it happens because I don't exactly like sharing what happened to me with so many other individuals, especially because I'm afraid they'll just pity me. Pity is the last thing I want. . .
Thanks again & stay strong. Things will get better in the future.
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