Blessed And Proud

I'm going to Fort Bliss. I can't tell you what made me sure that was the right decision. I spent some time thinking about it, almost aimlessly, and that is the conclusion that I came to. It feels right, and I gave my retention NCO the final word on it today. I'll be reenlisting Monday.
I'm reading another one of those books I get dirty or just plan weird looks for reading in public. "Our Voices" By Amanda Johnson. It's cover reads "Issues Facing Black Women In America; Racism, sexuality, marriage, singleness, single parenting, the church, finances, spirituality, health and self-esteem'. Honestly, it irritates me a little bit that it's marketed based on race. Racism can- shockingly enough- be addressed without being marketed to one group or another. It's really strange to me to think that any publication that specifically addresses racism should be marketed specifically to ONE RACE. Isn't that kind of ass backwards? Just saying.
Anyway, dirty looks be damned, it's a good book. I've been looking at a lot of Spirituality-and-Feminism type stuff lately. It's really hard to believe in something these days, and it's even harder to do when no one around you seems to have that. Those around me who have their beliefs generally hold beliefs very different from mine, or different enough to make it obvious. I've been trying really hard to pray more. I've had someone reminding me to pray before I eat, as I've never quite gotten into that habit, and I'd really like to. I pray at night, and some mornings, but not nearly as much as I feel is right. My beliefs are very important to me, and I find myself more and more interested in things having to do with how to make that stronger. I have someone in my life right now who's being way more encouraging of that than I had expected.
When I do finally settle down, it needs to be with someone I can talk about God with, someone I can ask to pray with me, and someone who will do the same. I have repeated a story I heard before about a minister, during a marriage ceremony, using a braid to demonstrate what marriage is made of. There are two blue strands and a white one. The two blue strands are the husband and wife, the white one is God. Without all three, the braid will simply be two strings next to one another. That's not the marriage I want. Regardless of the formality of it, I won't raise children in a home where God isn't openly discussed, or where prayer isn't common. I want my children to understand faith, and life, and hope. I want to be able to ask my husband to pray with me. I want to know that he has faith, like I do. I don't want to be alone in my prayers.
I am learning so much about myself right now, I am so proud of how much I've grown up, how far I've come in this last year... I'm not the same person I used to be, and I'm very, very happy about that. I will never feel satisfied with who I am, I will always want more from myself. Maybe, though, just maybe, I'm getting the hang of patience and faith, and trust.... Maybe things will start getting a little bit easier for me, maybe it won't be so hard to remember faith in the dark moments soon. Maybe I'm finally learning that lesson I've been reaching for for such a long time now.
It's been a while since I've lost control, I'm really hoping this is the turning point. I know I can do this, I know I can over come this.