Mizpah

Some things began to come together for me today.
I've been doing a lot of spiritual reading lately, though more about the three major faiths than that which I find myself holding to. "A History Of God" is an excellent book. I own the Quran, the Torah, the New Testament, as well as the Kitab-i-aqdas. I am fascinated by religions, faith, spirituality, and how it has all progressed.
Today, though, I think the beginning of some larger things came together for me in my personal life. I have tried to be the good woman, as well as the independent one. It's a harder balance than one might think. I know only what my heart tells me, and, well, sometimes we disagree. I see what I want, and I see what might be, and those two things don't always line up quite as I'd like. I know I will not give up on what I have without a hell of a lot more reason. I will protect it. I keep my personal life quiet so others won't be able to directly influence this. I keep this quiet and hidden so that I can heal without fear of repricussion from my peers and seniors if my relationship doesn't work out. I hide so that there will be no questions to answer, no sideways glances, no second thoughts.
My faith isn't as strong as I'd like. Should this not work out, there are choices I've made this time around that I won't be willing to make again, despite what most would assume might be my only choice. There's too much to lose making this decision. I can't regret what has so far taken me to the right places, but it's not something I will risk doing again, no matter the effort it will take.
I will let everyone continue to whisper, because it's not what any of them think.
It's better this way.
Physically, I have been more and more determined to get in better shape. I got that 256 while still on recovery from profile, I know that, come spring, I can get that 300. There's no reason I shouldn't.
Professionally, for once, I think I might like to slow down a bit. I'm looking at some goals I'd rather do before I get my stripes. I'm trying to determine the easiest way to combine flight medic with duty station of choice, and this is more complicated than I'd imagined. Or maybe I'm just looking from the wrong angle. I had wanted flight medic so badly, but allowed myself to be talked out of it- it was too hard, etc.
I refuse to back down this time.
I'm going to figure this out. I'm going to put the three things that I need to focus on right now into a plan, make them work together somehow. I'm going to get this right this time.
By any means necessary.