The Woman In The Pearls

I was watching a movie the other night with a friend, Made Of Honor. Total chick flick, by the way, but he got a kick out of it, anyway.
Something struck me about the movie that I never, ever expected. The bride's mother came into her daughter's bedroom one morning, still in her night clothes, and it made me realize who I thought I'd end up being. There she sat, in her perfect cream-colored silk nightie- the long, elegant kind, not the short, honeymoon kind- and her pearls, and the robe that matched the nightie and... I realized that's the woman I want to be.
This, coming from the tattooed tomboy fat kid for life.
I am such a massive contradiction.
I love my tattoos. I love that I'm strong, and like sports (not necessarily good at them, but oh well), that I'm hard-headed (to a degree...), that I like motorcycles and trucks and sports cars... The thing is, the ultimate goal isn't to be a guy. It's not even to be a tomboy or a tough chick. It's to be a lady. I don't do insanely well with behaving as such when I lose my temper, but, hey, such is life. I have a very hard time balancing the things I enjoy and the woman I am. When five people make shocked faces or astounded remarks when I show up somewhere in a dress... well, it made me realize that it isn't what I wanted them to be shocked by.
I've been wild my whole life. I've been independent and hard-headed and fiercely, well, me for as long as I can remember. I've always had my own ideas about EVERYTHING. I'm not sure if I'm more surprised that I survived my childhood or that my parents did. (Two outta three aint bad.) I like the unique, pretty, girly things... More than anything, though, I like being treated like a lady. I'm tired of being just another female, just another soldier... at work, it's one thing, but I shouldn't find myself surprised to have doors held open for me, or when a guy is genuinely hurt when I tell him that yes, we can hang out, but not to think I'm going to sleep with him. I'm tired of faith and race and any other intelligent subject being off limits for conversation, because everyone around me is too busy gossiping and talking about alcohol or sex or the like. I'm really over this partying crap. I have no issues going out to the bars every once in a while and letting loose... but why bother going out to the bars when your whole life revolves around what happens there? I mean, how is it letting loose or even remotely interesting or exciting when that's all you effing do?
I feel old. I'm turning 24 in a couple weeks, and I just feel old. The number is so low... but, I mean, really... how many years do you have to live to figure out that doing the same thing over and over again is the same thing over and over again?
I want to be that woman, that lady. I want the dignity, I want the grace, I want the respect. I want to fall in love with a man who has a relationship with God like I do. I want someone who knows what they want in life. I can't raise a family in a non-religious home... I hate the word religious, but I have no other idea how to explain it. I want my children to feel safe talking about race and God and what they want to do... I don't want my children to think there are subjects that are off limits. I want a life, a family, a career. I don't want to sacrifice who I am or what I believe in to have this. I don't expect to meet the man of my dreams tomorrow. I don't need to meet him tomorrow. I just really hope I can find a way to help myself become the woman I know I was meant to be.