Admission On Me

I feel sexiest when I'm wearing sweats and a tank top, not when I'm wearing lingerie.

I'd rather be unwillingly abstinent for the rest of my life than without love.

I'll find a way to tell anyone that they're not weird for feeling the way they do if they trust me enough to tell me something they're uncomfortable with about themselves, even if it takes me by total surprise. Very few things take me by surprise as a result of this.

I think it's hilarious that multiple people have told me I'm far more normal than I'll ever know.

I couldn't eat spinach for 15 years because a particularly disturbing older relative specifically stated he liked that I ate my spinach, despite my all-out love affair with vegetables prior to that incident.

I feel guilty every single day of my life for things I couldn't have changed, and still suffer effects of. Every single day.

I feel like a complete moron trying to explain to people with combat patches why I have flashbacks. More often than not, they're the only ones who get why.

I am a thousand times harder on myself than anyone has ever had any reason to suspect. It takes every ounce of effort not to bash myself for things I couldn't have known the outcome of.

I wish I'd shammed when I had the chance.

I say I'd never change a thing about how I grew up or where I came from, because then I wouldn't be this person... but sometimes, I really, really, really would like to be someone else for a while.

The meaner I am, the more pain there is fueling the fire.

I've forgiven my attackers, but I will never be able to forgive myself. Ultimately, I was not the only victim in either attack, and both could have been prevented with a little less faith in humanity.

I still think about drinking again at least once a week, and it's been over 8 months since I quit drinking officially. (I feel more guilt because of this, and because of the wine I allowed myself for a period of time, and the night I had 2 drinks before realizing how much I hated the feeling of being drunk.)

I throw out more of the fruits n veggies than I end up eating, but I go through frozen dinners and the Mexican candy I order like it's water.

The biggest compliment I've ever received was a school teacher in the PX smiling at me and saying 'Hello, Beautiful' without wanting anything or having any agenda behind it. I will never forget this compliment.

The most vivid (pleasant) non-family memory I have as a child is of a college student who was doing a project for a religions class. She was taking pictures of random strangers on the street, and posting them on a board titled "Is This What God Looks Like?" I was instantly fascinated, and was no older than 6 at the time. It's been 18 years and I haven't forgotten the project or what she looked like.

Half the conversations I have on Facebook and Myspace chat are out of guilt. The half that reads this are probably not the people I feel guilted into talking to.

I've never wanted anything more than I want children. I do, however, give up on that more often than any other dream. Despite the want, and the amount of love I have for children, I'm terrified I'd just screw them up.

I want to be a career soldier, because it's the best job I've ever done. Most days, though, I can't imagine surviving 20 years of it.

People constantly mistake the fact that I have almost no secrets for trusting people. It's easier not to have secrets- that way I don't have to trust anyone with them. Ever. For any reason.

I am addicted to Facebook because I am addicted to the idea that eventually someone will say something to make me feel so much better. It's my way of tempting fate for the positive. Occasionally it happens, and it's usually the very same people.

Everclear is the one band I listen to when I absolutely have to get myself in a better mood. I have never, ever been able to figure out why their music has this effect on me, but it works. "Unemployed Boyfriend"" is the number one song on that playlist.

People repeatedly tell me I'm one of the strongest people they know. They usually pick a point when I've completely lost my temper and started throwing things or had a massive panic attack to tell me this. It never seems to occur to anyone besides me that this may be a completely counterproductive plan of action.

I'm tempted to cut off all my hair just to see how many of my guy friends still talk to me when I go out.

I believe, more everyday, that men are generically shallow assholes, and that I've gotten lucky with a few good ones that I have in my life. This is the polar opposite of my point of view roughly 10 years ago.

I'm generally what I think of as a happy person... but, sometimes, I just get so tired of it all.