Peace VS Vulnerability

That was my mistake.
I was honest, instead of hoping the issue wouldn't come up.
Here I am, feeling raw and vulnerable and scared, and it wouldn't even occur to anyone that I might.
I'm tired of being vulnerable, or having a reason to feel that way.
It was so long since I opened up to someone, I mean really opened up. I hadn't realized I'd kept so much inside for so long until he came along, but now he's gone, and I'm left knowing he isn't the person I'm supposed to be with... I can't be with someone defensive or aggressive or who's not independently willing to find out about who I am and what makes me tick. I need someone who trusts me to be honest, if nothing else. I'm not perfect, I make mistakes, but at the minimum, I'm not a liar.
Now that I remember what it's like to be vulnerable, exposed, it's like I'm having trouble closing those doors again. It's also bringing a lot of things I've been told before into perspective. Jere told me once that he didn't want to see me get my heart broke again because he knew I'd shut down again. I agreed, but couldn't for the life of me understand what he was talking about- I didn't shut down after a relationship ended. I just moved on. Now I see it. Now I see what my heart wants to do more than anything- to lock everyone out. To go back into my shell, to refuse to let anyone in, to just be me and away from the painful sunlight that would be so harsh on my still-open wounds. Right now, after telling some brief version of my story, after trying to show a little sliver of who I am and where I've been to someone who doesn't know me, well, I feel that burning sunlight so deep inside. I'm not trying to find forever. I'm just trying not to shut the whole world out again... but that's all I want to do. I just want everyone and everything to go away, and let me lick my wounds. I don't want anyone to see me like this, and that's why I know, from experience, that's why I must resist the urge to hide.
I can't let all these people see me that way, of course.
I just can't push those who have been there for me away.
I can't be the island again.
It's not a choice, because I will lose all the progress I've made if I close up again. I will be back at square one. I'm single, but I'm not alone... Not that I think the now-ex-boyfriend is even bothering to read this, but I'm sure he'd be thrilled to hear/see me say that. The thing is, opening up to him isn't an option, either. He's the reason the wounds are open, the reason the sunlight burns so bad. I love him, he did the best he could, and I really can't fault him for anything he did... He just isn't the person I need him to be.
So, here I sit, listening to Luda singing/spitting with Jesse McCartney, talking about how do you sleep... listening to the wind outside my open window... feeling the pain seep from the gaping, invisible hole in my chest... and wondering why the next step I couldn't find had to sneak up on me, and why it had to hurt so badly.
I told the ex one day... I told him I was stuck, I didn't know where the next step was, I had come to a dead end. I was out of luck. Now, the next step is plain as day: processing what I need in a relationship, what I can handle, what I need, what I can give, and accepting that some scars will simply be part of me. Scars do fade, though, and PTSD is not a terminal illness. This will not be what kills me, I have more historically significant battles to fight still. I have to find the strength to grow from this. I have to find the seeds that are spread amongst so much gravel, so I can plant them where they can grow. I have to let this pain run it's course, without stopping or medicating it, without arguing it's beginnings or ends... That is not for me to choose. That has already been decided. I have to learn to step back, to be detached as God has asked of me, and let the natural healing process do it's job.
Eventually.... eventually, this too shall pass, and the scars will fade and it will all make so much more sense than it does in this brief moment of clarity... When that happens, I may cry in gratitude. I will see that day. I've come to far.
It really pisses me off when the only way to heal is to be wounded.