Because They're Forever

I bought myself a diamond and aquamarine ring today.
I'm ignoring the fact that it wasn't insanely expensive, and therefore not a huge splurge, like one would imagine a diamond ring would be. It caught my eye as being 'the one' and I ignored the fact that I would have been okay with spending nearly 3 times what it cost for the purpose that it will serve to me.
I don't know where my relationship stands right now.
I love him, but the demons I am battling put me and whoever is close to me in the same bad places over and over again. It's almost down to a science now. Daily, I'll struggle with the bad memories, the pain, and, if I've been having trouble sleeping or haven't been eating/writing/praying as I know I should, then the flash backs and anger will be major obstacles for me daily, too. Every month, I will have a period of one to three days where, if I can avoid people, I can overcome it quietly and without notice, but the emotions are always the same. If people are not to be avoided, it is an end to the relationships closest to me, and very dark thoughts. Always lots of fear, lots of pain, lots of questions during these days. That never fails. People being around just makes it all so much worse, though.
I'm not bipolar, hell, the same two moods would be a blessing compared to this crap some days.
Anti-depressants just made the aggression worse.
I'm on my own with this. Even if my boyfriend decides he wants to try again, he's completely clueless as to how to handle this, and seems less and less willing to try. Can't say I blame him. Either way, I am who and what I am. With or without anyone else. I'm tired of even wanting to be part of a relationship, though I know myself well enough that I know it'll never stop. It's not that I miss being single- I want only one person, truly- it's that I miss being less complicated. As a person, you only have your own actions, emotions and life to deal with. As half of a couple, well, good luck even getting to deal with your own. Not only is there another person involved, but their feelings mix with yours and then it feels more like there's 3 sets of feelings rather than 2.
See, this is where the diamond thing comes in. There's only 3 things in this world (besides cockroaches and Twinkies) that are forever- God, me, and diamonds. The rest may cause a whole lot of pain, but I don't have the luxury of being able to wallow in drama or other people's lives. I have plenty on my own plate. Between me, God, and the diamonds on my finger, well, it's up to us to solve this stuff, because no one else gets it, nor do they need to.
Maybe the ring will also help me remember that it's bullshit to expect someone else to be what I need them to. That's nobody's purpose in life except my own.