Medicine, Woman!

With prayer beads in one hand, and a knife in the other, I try to remember who I am and why I'm here. With hope in my heart and fear in my eyes, I raise my soul to God and pray for Him to draw near.

My heart is broken, my soul is wounded, and even my body is aching today. I turn on the music, take a breath, and try to take a step back from the world that turns, and so often turns away from what it doesn't understand. I try to stand still, try to remain detached, so that the story may unfold as it was meant to without rippling the easily disturbed waters of my spirit. I try to see what I must do from the outside, rather than from the place inside the picture, where I stand. I try to replace the fear with faith, try to remember that there is a reason for every step, every breath, and certainly every tear. I must cling to my faith in God when my faith in humanity is dulled. There is medicine at the store for my physical aches and pains, but only God and time will heal the wounds of my heart and soul. I'm not the best woman, friend, soldier, sister or daughter I can be. I have done decent in most of these categories, but need to do better. I am grateful for the people who have had patience with me, and hope they are around to see the dawn that I can only pray is coming from the terrible darkness I have been in.

My favorite prayer, one I found in Illumine My Heart:

Glory be to Thee, O Lord my God! I beg of Thee by Thy Name through which He Who is Thy Beauty hath been stablished upon the throne of Thy Cause, and by Thy Name through Thou changest all things, and callest to account all things, and rewardest all things, and preservest all things, and sustainest all things- I beg of Thee to guard this handmaiden who hath fled for refuge to Thee, and hath sought the shelter of Him in Whom Thou Thyself art manifest, and hath put her whole trust and confidence in Thee.
She is sick, O my God, and hath entered beneath the shadow of the Tree of Thy healing; afflicted and hath fled to the City of Thy Protection; diseases and hath fled to the City of Thy protection; diseased and hath sought the Fountainhead of Thy favors; sorely vexed, and hath hasted to attain the Wellspring of Thy tranquility; burdened with sin, and hath set her face toward the court of Thy forgiveness.
Attire her, by Thy sovereignty and Thy loving kindness, O my God and my Beloved, with the raiment of Thy balm, and Thy healing, and make her quaff of the cup of Thy mercy and Thy favors. Protect her, moreover, from every affliction and ailment, from all pain and sickness, and from whatsoever may be abhorrent unto Thee.
Thou, in truth, art immensely exalted above all else except Thyself. Thou art, verily, the Healer, the All-Sufficing, the Preserver, the Ever-Forgiving, the Most Merciful.
-Baha'u'llah

It's interesting to me now that I have a favorite prayer. It wasn't that long ago that saying a prayer other than the words in my head or heart (and sometimes not even words) was something I believed could never appeal to me. I can't explain exactly how things have changed, really. I am grateful to have found a faith that has always been so much a part of me, even before I knew the name of it. I bought the book with the prayers in it, and, when I found one that fit what I was looking for, I started saying it regularly. I would push myself to imagine the images, above and beyond just saying the words, immersing myself in the intent of the prayer. It made a huge difference, and it feels so natural now. I haven't memorized it yet, but it is so much a part of me. I wish I had musical talent, I'd try to put that to music, as some Baha'i groups have done with other prayers. It's inspiring. It takes effort to remember, sometimes, that the anger, that the pain is a sin against myself and others, that there is no reason I can't do better, and the universe was not made to accept things staying the same- nothing, after all stays the same- so it's far easier for the universe to accept change than sometimes it is for us to change. Deciding change and improvement is what we truly want is the hardest part. Once we want it, well, the rest of the universe will accept us for who we are becoming far more easily than we can imagine.
To quote a friend:
Is God good?
All day.