Finding God In The Darkness

My heart is hurting.
The one guy who's gone out of his way to be there for me lately is the one I can't seem to let in. The one I want to trust is the one who's dealing with his own stuff and has no clue how to even hear me. Telling me I need to sleep when you're the one who sounds exhausted just tells me you want to get off the phone so you can go to bed. That's fine, I'll say goodnight, and act like I have no idea that you were tired of listening. It doesn't make it any easier to be here without you or your support when I hang up, it just lets you sleep better.
I'm overwhelmed right now, and things are in such a huge state of flux, and there's just so much going on. I feel like a child, scared of the dark, sliding along the wall, searching for a light switch in sheer darkness, unable to see anything around her or in front of her, having no idea what she might bump into or when she'll find that elusive light.
Every guy that's been allowed to get close to me has one thing in common: they've referred to my being with them, either in their place or together with them, as 'home'. The amount of implication in that statement is probably more than I can really process tonight. It makes me self-concious, honestly, to consider the reason and logic behind that particular theme. The issues I must have for that one word to sound so incredibly appealing...
I think I must sound numb right now, as I write this, emotionally, I mean. It's so much harder to filter the emotion out of words when I'm like this... How do you express emotion without being emotional? It's an on-going battle for me. I have to express myself, but if I just wrote what came to my head, well, there would be swearing and anger abound, and that just breeds more anger. I may struggle with it, but I surely don't want to give into that much raw, live power... It's too much.
I wipe away tears as I think about the people I really have wanted to be there for me, as I think about coming home from work today, collapsing into my chair and crying uncontrollably for 20 minutes, knowing all I really want is someone who is always there for me, someone I know is always on my side, who can handle supporting me, and loving me. I have family- God knows I wouldn't have survived without my brothers- but at some point, you get tired of seeing the families and couples and want to be there. I want that life, I want that much discipline and determination to make something work. I want to know that all the things I have in life will be with that one person, no matter what else happens.
I paw through the darkness, clinging to the walls that are the few solid things in my life, reaching out for that light that is my faith in God, that is the only thing I know that will sustain me so that I may come out of this horrible fear, this pitch-black darkness that I am in.
I am having a hard time right now, but I am not hopeless.
That is the beginning of everything.