Onward Ever, Backward Never

I got my retention photo taken today.
Today feels like a fresh start, though my direction is not clearly defined.
I went to see someone last night, a man, over on Carroll, who I met through work. We'd initially started talking about his adorable little girls, and the situation with our exes, when he was in my clinic. I'd emailed him some advice via AKO in reference to his daughters, and we kept in contact that way. After Ashton ended things- well, actually, not til 2 days ago- I sent him my number. He's a good guy, but going through a rough time. Needless to say, the fact he has kids does not worry me in the least. He's fun to be with, and a real gentleman.
As I sat there eating my pizza with him, I got a text message from the person I was trying so hard not to think about: Ashton.
It said goodnight, sweet dreams, and he really loves and misses me. *sigh*
So much for not thinking about him.
The hardest part is that I don't know, at this moment, that I believe it's going to be any different if things happened again with us. The harsh demands to eat healthier made me so self concious about my weight it was painful. I am not at a healthy weight for me, and have only gotten so ridiculously skinny because of the meds. I haven't been working out, and will put on weight when I start picking up on that again. His ex-girlfriend was a twig. I will never be that skinny, and I will never try to. Some part of me believes that's what he wants in a woman. I'm the wrong one for that. There's so many things about him I adore and appreciate, and then there's the things like feeling self-concious of my weight, and seriously questioning who these girls are that he was keeping around. I'm not the jealous type, and I refuse to be in a relationship where I feel I have competition. I need- no, dammit- I DESERVE to be appreciated for who I am and what I'm about. I'm a damn good woman, a hell of a soldier, and anyone who feels differently can go overboard with all the other shipjumpers.
I'm still hurting, but I need closure, and I don't have that right now. I've been told it takes time to prove you love someone, and that everyone deserves a second chance. I do not give my heart freely the second time. It must be earned, and right now it's at a turning point. The road I take is not completely up to me.
Regardless of who I spend my time with, some things must remain; I will not abandon my self-improvement or routine for any man. Gym schedule, sleeping routines, work- none of these things will suffer for another. I am a PFC and doing jobs way out of my paygrade. I will not risk losing my shot at being pinned corporal for a man who isn't going to stick around any damned way.
All I have is me, and my career.
I have not seen sufficient evidence to believe otherwise.
Keddrick is a risky situation, with all he's going through.
Ashton has already hurt me, but he is where my heart lies.
Neither will take my focus off of me and my goals, because what means most to me right now is getting those two stripes on my chest. I can make sergeant, without a doubt, when it's time. Corporal, though, is an honor that few get, and I'll be damned if I'm going to jeopordize the thing I want most.
I have worked too hard to stay where I belong. It's time I move up, because where I belong is no longer my comfort zone, and I can and will do better for myself, in my darkest moments and my brightest, even if I see both of those completely alone.