Darkness

I fell apart last night. There were way too many things stacked against and on top of me. I finally snapped- and it barely stopped before the point of no return. Between my recent heartbreak, which is far from healed, the anxiety of an upcoming diagnostic pt test I know I am unprepared for, half my clothes being removed from the laundry room, and a certain SPC with certain biases decided to move me to another room after weeks of me busting my butt to accomodate the roomate he said was forthcoming for me, I had too much. I almost gave in to the alcohol again. I managed not to, and it's still been almost 4 months sober, but every day is going to be another struggle with it for a while, as some part of me still feels like I lost that fight just by wanting it so much last night. I was shrouded in darkness last night, and reached out to the only person I knew would be there when I was emotional- the same one who broke my heart. It made some of the feelings worse. He stayed with me, though. He was there, even if he's not mine. It was the last time, though, because I can't handle being with him and not with him at once. There was no lie when I told him I loved him, no conditions or demands. I can't stop those feelings just because he doesn't want that connection anymore. So the struggle with that connection is on me now, and I have to break that particular bind, at least at that level, before it destroys me. I don't want to be alone, but I can't make him love me or want to be with me, and I won't be one of those foolish women who try anyway. He's going to leave in November, go home, see Lyndsey, go to Kuwait, and, I honestly believe, he'll end up marrying her. I've seen it before- I always seem to be that pause in someone's life right before they figure out what it is they really wanted all along and why. I'm just the temporary burden that becomes a turning point, and quickly abandoned for bigger and better things. I doubt he sees it or believes it, though. He doesn't have to. I'll still give him that damned cologne I paid too much for, trying to do something nice. It was meant for him, as a gift, and that's what it will be. What he does with it is up to him.

My nerves are raw today, my eyelids heavy, and my heart in peices so shattered that the jagged edges no longer hurt me. Once again, I am alone, and I pray to God I can stay such for quite some time. I have lost the strength to love. No one is capable of love without return, and I can't return it right now. I can barely take care of myself at the moment, and am incapable of being the other half of someone. I would love attention, someone to be there and take care of me and hold me and help me right now, but I am all I have, and that's how it will stay. I just have to put my faith and trust in God that this path is the one he'd intended for me to follow, and that it will lead me to happier days.