The Battle Within And Trying To Win The War

Forget North Korea.

I may be a couple hours south of the crazy little man with ego issues, but he has nothing to do with the struggle I'm looking at.

My mother and I don't see eye to eye on some things from my childhood, that's perfectly normal.

Bitch of it is, I'm starting to worry some of it had a grain of truth to it.

Bipolar is more vulgar a term to me than any other word I've ever heard.

I'm fighting the thought that it may be the appropriate one, though.

I have a decision to make now, and that is how I'm going to handle what I think may be the issue with my PTSD, moods, sleep, and anger management problems.

None of these have truly disrupted my work yet, but I have no intention of letting them get there. I'm a medic, and I'll be damned... *sigh* I'm trying to quit swearing. It's not going so well.

I'm not going to be put on any more medications. If it goes beyond antidepressants, it will be handled without medications. This is a choice I've made- I think. I refuse to go back to being on medications that numb me. I am going to have to gain some discipline, buckle down, and get myself on a regular excercise schedule that goes farther than just normal PT, start eating better (vitamin D goes a lot farther than most people understand!!! calcium, too.) and my writing is going to have to get serious- daily, at a minimum, and not just online. I also need to start tracking my moods, and get a better handle on the bad choices I'm making and what is triggering those.

My friend base is already in the process of a drastic overhaul. The people who have walked away from me are not going to be allowed to be a focus anymore. I knew there was a big change coming, I called it the 6th, on my way back from the long weekend with Ashton. I told him there was something about to happen. Here it is. Everything is about to change. EVERYTHING. This is going to be hard, it is going to be a pain, and it is going to take some serious time, but every morning it's got to be a renewed commitment to this. I only have me to take care of, I only have me to fix, and I only have me to keep myself in line. I'm capable of anything I don't give up on- and no one can tell me otherwise. All I have to do is keep going.

I have been sober nearly 4 months. In terms of war, it's Korea- I always have to guard the border, but the battle itself is non-existent.

The next battle is this right here- recognizing, once again, there is a problem with the choices I'm making and how I look at them. This is a little bit bigger battle, and may just be the battle that wins me the war.

TAKE THAT HILL!!!!!!!