"You may have played with theirs, but you won't play with mine." -Haystak
I fought with Ashton last night. Maybe fight isn't the word. He actually made the effort to spend time with me last night, which I was grateful for. It felt great to be with him, though I felt ridiculously vulnerable. After finishing up a project and some ice cream at the Hilltop, we went back to his room, as he has far more privacy than I do. We went back there to talk, and did little of that. It hit us both then how much we'd missed being together. We mostly just kissed, and he rubbed my back. At some point, I fell asleep. When I woke up, it was almost 10pm, and I told him I needed to go back to my room. He tried to convince me to stay, but it wouldn't have panned out in the morning, I would have needed to walk across post twice. I also felt like giving in to him at that point was just giving him permission to blow me off again, it was giving too much of myself when I was already hurting. It was scary to feel vulnerable to him, when he'd only just hurt me.
He was mad that I wasn't staying. He was quiet about it, but it was obvious.
I text him thank you on my way back. It started a conversation which wound up with me calling him. We talked about things with us, but, as usual, he was completely non-commital, and it hurt me every time he had the chance to say he wanted me back but didn't. He doesn't want me back, but he doesn't want me gone. Unfortunately for him, he doesn't have that option. He told me I was giving him an ultimatum when I told him he needed to make his mind up about what he wanted because I couldn't wait forever, and it was already hurting me. I explained to him that I can't be in-between, that I either need to be his or not, and that not knowing hurts me, and is only going to hurt what we have. He kept arguing, and, frankly, being a jerk about it. I suppose the other girls he's dated never stood up to him, seeing as he cheated on all of them, his words not mine, but I won't be walked on. He may have played with other girls hearts, but he won't play with mine.
I fell in love with him quickly- much too quickly. He's not going to be the death of me, though, because he's gone, and he won't be the last man I love. I won't go back to him. I can't- not when things are this painful. It felt great to be with him, but when he can hurt me so badly with his words and not even realize it or seem to care, I don't need to be with him. After our fight or discussion or whatever the hell that was, the PTSD came back, again. At least this time I know what the trigger was. I slept like crap last night, what I did sleep, and haven't been able to pull myself out of the misery this morning. I almost yelled at my commander and nco before 0830 even rolled around. My commander asked me to speak to my 1sg, because he thinks it's a good idea for me to go on leave a couple weeks early... I'm sure that's not a good sign, but I appreciate the fact that this chain of command is at least noticing. I have a lot on my plate, which I'm learning to deal with much better, but a good chain of command can not be overrated. I'm not going to say I even get along with all of them, really, cuz there's honestly one or two people I'm not ridiculously fond of. Our unit is a family, though, without question or exception. I'm grateful to be part of this company.
I have a date, I suppose it is, tonight. Keddrick is a good guy, and much more mellow and sweet than most. He manages this without appearing weak, though he is going through a hard time in his life, so I don't look at things with us as really going anywhere. I do enjoy his company, though, and want to know more about him. His personality soothes me, and it feels like things revolve around me when we're together, even if we talk about him more, which happens sometimes. I don't know what he's in my life to teach me, but I know that I was supposed to meet him. God has a plan, even if I don't understand it right now.
Patrick, Cris, Joe, Ashton, and Keddrick- all the people in my life are part of that plan. All I need to do is keep following the path He has put me on, and I will be alright. I don't need anyone else to prove my faith to me, I do that every day. I can tell you, though, that I will be doing a lot more praying in the near future. If there was ever a time I needed God in my life, it is now. I thank Him for the blessings, as well as the opportunities.
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2 comments:
hrmm....I was waiting for the blog to show up and here it is. In retrospect of last night and what you wrote today. I agree with some parts. Most of all, I got your text this morning which stated that I won't get a second chance. I can't fault you for that, considering as you've stated it is unfair to you. My short comings with myself and not knowing what I want shouldn't have to hinder your love life and continue to hurt you because I want you around so when I do come to the conclusion that I'm ready for a relationship for you to be there. Truthfully, that's just selfish on my part and isn't right. Like I said, I can't always have my way which is why I'm in the situation that I'm in right now. I do agree with you that when we were together things were great, and I felt that we could conquer the world hands down. Though I think from time to time that even my success and what I can conquer doesn’t bring happiness to my love life. I ended things with us considering I wasn't sure that I wanted a relationship. I guess I can say I got caught up in the moment, though everything that I felt and still feel with you is true. I've never felt so many things for anyone so quickly, but I guess it was meant and it happened. If I had the chance to re live the situation, I would have taken things much slower and explained that I was unsure if I truly wanted a relationship at the current time. By far you are a incredible, beautiful girl. I revalidated that as you slept on my lap for the short time last night. I guess it will have to be a memory for now. Maybe one day it will become a true reality again if we ever cross each other paths in a relationship manner. I'll be straight with you, to know that you are moving on so fast hurts my heart, kills me to know that you are already out seeing someone new even though you aren't sure where it's going. My feelings are still strong, and dealing with a relationship with anyone right now or anytime soon just isn’t' fit for me. People say don't sit around and sob about your feelings and the things you can't change, but true love and caring just don't fade in a couple weeks. At this point, I feel that I've manned up to you. Told you the truth and I'll admit at this point anyone is better than me for you. I guess when I come to a point where I'm stable and able to sustain a relationship I'll see if you are around. In the mean time, I'm sorry for everything that you have had to experience on my account. I know that you are writing this off as an experience, which maybe that's what is may have been. The future will tell, I truly hope not.
Thank you. I'm not angry, I'm frustrated, and hate that this hasn't worked out. I know we could have had the world, but I can't make you ready.
I need to be around people. What you see as me moving on to someone else is more my coping mechanism, because right now, I don't feel attractive or worth anyone's time, and I need to remember that I am. You will likely have a hard time understanding that, between your feelings on it all, and the fact that we just work very differently on some levels.
I appreciate your response and everything you've said. This is all breaking my heart, don't confuse my determination for strength- I am not strong, nor ready to try to be strong. I am just doing what I know I must to keep myself in check at this moment.
I hope our paths cross down the road. I told you I believe in you, I still do. I know you can do and be anything you set your mind to, including conquering that which you believe to be your biggest challenge. You don't have to be your father.
I have never been through anything quite like this, and don't think you will ever be forgotten. I won't call you selfish or tell you I wanted an apology, or even said you were unfair. You did what you felt you needed to, and I just have to assume you did what was best, because I know I don't understand your reasons.
Above all, thank you for opening up to me and for replying to all this.
It was not in vain.
LEGENDARY.
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