Cold

Eventually, I'm bound to start sleeping again.
I hope.
Saturday, I reached sheer physical exhaustion- I hadn't gotten more than 3 hrs of sleep a night in 5 days, I had gone hiking on some rough terrain, and packed for hours. I had gone out the night before, dancing. I was hurting. I slept for four straight hours. I don't remember any nightmares, for once. I couldn't sleep any more than that, though. I'm not sure why the PTSD is so severe right now, but it is truly a defeating feeling to lose so much of yourself to something you thought you'd won the battle over. Headaches, dark circles around my eyes, total lack of energy- my legs felt like they were going to collapse out from under me as I walked the 4 blocks to work. Emotions are one of two things lately: numb or overwhelming. There are a few exceptions. When I'm with Casey or Scott, I seem to keep in pretty good spirits. They're good guys. I still have a tendency to go unexpectedly numb, though, even around them.
I'd love to be home right now.
I'd love to be in the states, where people speak the same language as me, and going for a drive is possible. Driving used to be my sanity. It's been a year since I've driven.
Nearly everyone here has given up on me. The girl I called my sister has written me off in a big way. I'm so tired of people's bullshit, I've stopped caring. I'm ready to wipe my life clean and start over some days, just because it seems like the easiest thing.
Ashton ended things last Wednesday. I still hear from him every day, and Thursday I was such a wreck I asked him to stay the night. I told him the next morning it would be the last time. Saturday, he showed up drunk and tried to stay. I told him, in no uncertain terms, and in front of Casey, that it was not going to happen. It hurt too much to have him want to be with me like that sometimes, and still not want to be in a relationship with me. I won't let myself feel used. I don't even feel like I can speak to what or who he is anymore, because I question everything I thought I'd known about him right now. I don't trust anyone at this point, and I'm hurting pretty bad in general.
I keep finding myself thinking of my friend back home. He's been good to me, and he's a loyal and wonderful friend, but it's been a long time since my thoughts of him were strictly as a friend. I put myself out there, willing to be hurt, I think. He's never once said he's interested in anything more, and I swear I'm just asking for the pain I keep finding myself in these days. I want so badly to have someone there for me, someone who won't give up like everyone seems to, so I put my friendship at risk, hoping to capture what seems unnattainable. I've never done it voluntarily, but at this point, I don't think I have a choice. I'm going into shut down mode, I'm not going to keep letting people in. I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than keep hurting this way over and over. I was wrong, the brief pleasure of having someone around is not worth the pain that always ensues. The PTSD is already too much to manage, work keeps me plenty occupied, it's time I shut the rest out. I'll have soldiers under me soon enough, it's time I take care of my future instead of hoping for something that clearly isn't meant to be. I will learn to accept that I'm not going to have a family, and it'll be much easier when I do.
I can't keep letting people in.