Soulshine

This is my life.
It's not perfect, it's not easy, but it's mine.
Life is a beautiful struggle.
Creativity takes courage. -Henry Matisse
You have to do stuff that average people don't understand because those are the only good things. -Andy Warhol
When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.' -Wayne Dyer
'Love Everybody.' -Muzik Mafia

I will have my rough days.
I will survive them.
I will have my good days.
I will shine through them.
I will meet new people everyday.
I will seek to learn what it is they have to teach me.
I will never, ever forget that everyone is going through something I won't understand.
I will always remember that I've been there, too.

I am not cleaning like I should be. I'm not studying or doing the online courses or talking to my husband-to-be. I am not doing any of the things the rest of the world believes I should be doing right now. I am taking care of me. I am just going to have to learn to be okay with that every once in a while.

I went to the gym yesterday. It felt good. I did not hurt my back any further, but I pushed myself to reach my limits. I did dips and pull ups, because they are the easiest upper-body exercises to do without putting any strain on my back. I did crunches, but quit when I felt my back muscles starting to tense up. I did 10 minutes on the stationary bicycle, and thought my legs would surely give out on the way down the stairs. After my work out, I sprinted for 10 more minutes. I felt good. I went out last night, I danced and hung out with people I know have my back. I was reminded by a good friend that my good deeds, that my patience and genuine give-a-damn has not gone unrecognized. I was also reminded that I am beautiful, and someone people feel lucky to be with. My friend is struggling with some things that I have been through. I am doing what I can to help, though I think I am getting more out of it than I could ever begin to put into it. I am grateful that my friend is able to open up to me, and trust me, even if it's only a little bit. These things take time, and I am okay with that.
I was reminded that my fiance loves me very, very much. There's no splitting us up. I am truly blessed to have him to spend the rest of my life with. I understand, now, what it means when people say they married their best friend. I am more than eager to see it in action. It has been so long since Ryan has seen me. It occurred to me earlier just how much I have changed since he last saw me, and I was struck by a feeling of overwhelming pride. I have grown up so much in these last two years, so much has changed, and I am just so proud to be who I already am. I have been through so much, I have handled so many things, I have made an effort to help people, and have helped myself in the process. I have found my life, and, I suppose, in a sense, I have found myself. I am grateful, and I am blessed.
There are so many people in my life that have been there for me, and so many who simply refuse to give up on me... For the longest time, I felt that there would be no one who wouldn't eventually give up on me. Now I see that it was never my loss. I am better for having been through all I have, I am stronger and wiser and so much happier for every minute of pain, of struggle I have seen.
The struggle, no doubt, is not over yet.
I just wanted to pause for this moment, though, and smile.
Thank you, all of you, who have never given up on me.