The Hardest Thing

I am my own worst enemy.
This isn't news.
Right now, though, I am struggling with everything I feel, everything I know, everything I feel is right and those things that I feel are wrong.
I'm also struggling with my own sense of who I am and what is right for me, and the limits implied therein.
I love Ryan in a way I didn't know I was capable of.
I am in such a state of complete and total transition right now that I'm scared that we, as a couple, will not see the other side of it.
I need a spiritual foundation right now. This isn't news, either. This is something I've searched for nearly my entire life. Right now, though, more than ever, I find myself straining, reaching, begging life to give me the outlet I so badly need spiritually.
So few people here understand my faith, understand what I need and offer.
I'm not Christian, and there seems to be so few people who can see faith in any other color than that one, if they can see it at all.
I need to find my place, and I need to find my peace.
I have a relationship with God that most, especially where junior enlisted are concerned, could not ever begin to understand. Faith is so much stronger shared, though. Most people seem frightened by the very subject of faith or religion, or God. I just want someone I can call to talk to about this, someone who understands, who's not afraid to pray with me, who sees why this is important to me.
I love Ryan, and he seems to get the brunt of all of my bad days, and I don't like myself for that. I wonder if he understands this.
I wonder if he can relate.
I wonder how much faith and belief will impact all of this.
I'm frightened and feeling awfully alone right now.
I know Ryan loves me, and I know there's plenty of people who are there for me right now.
Yet, somehow, I couldn't bear to talk to someone I had to explain this spiritual pain to.
I feel very lost and very confused.
I hope this gets better soon.