So, I Says "Self..."

So, this year's biggest focus- at least the one that was intended- is to get me back to myself, and taking care of me. It's mid-February. Success? Um, we're getting there, though most of the progress has been incidental. Things happen as they're meant to, though, I suppose. I finally met a few Baha'i's local to the area I'm currently in. That's helped a little bit. I'll be spending some time with two of them today, a couple that are currently traveling back in the states should return in the next couple weeks. That'll be nice. Things might get a sense of normalcy with a group of us around.

I have had some interesting experiences lately- the end of a relationship I was, at one point, determined to make work. That included finding out that loyalty isn't exactly a prized value to some people, despite what they preach- or, at the very least, their definition is extremely skewed. It hurts me to think about, though more in the universal people-can-be-really-cold sense than in the personal sense that it initially burned me in.
I have also developed feelings for someone I can't have. That's difficult, to say the least, but it's been a learning experience, as well. Obviously, for me to care about him in this way, he's doing things to look out for me that people who have had the opportunity to be with me haven't been. So, now I know what I need to look for. It never feels that simple, though.

For those of you who have been reading regularly, Slim is just gone, and that's where he should be. It took a lot of thought to realize that his actions showed no regard for my feelings what so ever, and he couldn't see that. That's not what I need. He talked a good game, but actions speak louder. Bones is still around, though I think he must be getting tired of me not committing and being less than reliable. I'm not ready to commit, and I've explained that to him, but I think he's used to girls who try and try to get him to settle down... I'm not that girl. I enjoy spending time with him, very much, but he's no more what I need than anyone else is right now, and I can't ask someone to be what they're not. I'm not even sure I could handle a relationship should it come my way at this point. It's better off this way. Smiley is, well, around. I haven't gotten to talk to him much lately, and, truth be told, I miss him quite a bit. I just don't have the energy or focus for that. He lives a decent distance away, and I don't think I'm what he wants, nor do I believe he'd be able to handle me as I am. It's nothing against him- really great guy- I just can't see someone with his life experience knowing how to handle all my complexities. It only becomes an issue when I realize I have no intention of changing. I like who I am- without that weird, random, conflicting and often wild side of me- "Charli"- there wouldn't be Gypzy, or the sweet, feminine, kind person I can be other times. I just am not the consistent, level individual that some people like to portray themselves as. I'm honest, and I won't hide what I feel. Whether that makes me strong, as some have told me, or weak, as I suspect, I don't know, and need to stop caring. This is who I am, regardless of what anybody thinks, and I don't want anyone who can't be okay being with me.
Maybe I just need to find someone as complex as me.
Or not.
And the beat goes on....